Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Just saw your post MissusSee - sorry you are going through all that. It sounds so difficult to deal with, especially since things seem to have escalated so quickly. Hopefully you will get the family support you need soon. Please believe that you are not 'weak' for needing help. My DD likes to taunt me with that too, so I know how much it hurts
and hugs for you - stay strong and keep holding that rope. We will all get through these testing times

Good morning Po Ts!

Sorry but I had to cackle a bit at those two scenarios Sandybigballs ! so then you for posting! They sound extremely familiar! Its strange isn't it, that they have so little insight about this sort of thing? I suppose we can take encouragement from it in two ways (a) in a sense it proves how much they are in their own little worlds and how their main intention isn't to wound (b) they definitely are secure in terms of knowing they are loved! . Because no one would behave like that if they weren't

The menopause thing is difficult! I have at night, after a dispute, seen DD fast asleep within 10 mins, sprawled across her bed seemingly without a care in the world! And I retreat to mine only to remain awake all night with worry and a wierd palpitating heartbeat (yes I have had it checked out!) . I tell you teen stress does horrible things to the menopausal body!

Crikey JobbymcGinty toddler and teen rages all at once must be very challenging to handle! Welcome to the thread!

Sorry your DD is still suffering McMen71. Teen relationships are very difficult. Fwiw I don't think you should feel any guilt at all about inviting him to dinner! We invite dd's boyfriend to endure family meals with us on a frequent basis (poor lad!). And if that is the basis for the split, which I doubt, then the relationship was on shaky ground to start with I reckon. Who knows what goes on in the teen brain though? But it's only been a few days. Things may change. It's not right that the boyfriend is calling all the shots though and blanking her. It's very hard, but I think the only thing you can do is to stay slightly more detached from proceedings and support your daughter to negotiate her own way through this,
by talking to her, and maybe trying to deflect her attention to other things; take her out of the situation for a bit, go swimming, cycling, take her to see a film or a cool gallery or something you don't normally do, with the aim of getting her to see the world is a large place and doesn't revolve around this boy? Maybe? Good luck with it

Billybagbuss don't forget the sword piercing the heart too, if we are going for biblical imagery! . Indeed Staywithmemyblooc little did we know!

Billy That's so true about finding the right balance between coaxing them out of their moodiness without pushing them further back in to it! Great advice as ever! And great to know they will start doing it themselves one day too!

Thank you for the comforting words Staywithmemyblood they are much appreciated! And great to hear you are finding this thread helpful ( I am too!). So glad the London trip went (relatively) well! Your description sums it all up in a nutshell! They are desperate to get away and have the freedom of an adult, but slightly resent us for the fact that they still need us for support!

Oh Missussee I really "get" the "I can't go on at times" feeling. Sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard, especially when it has all happened so suddenly. The "weak" accusation is really unpleasant but please try and ignore as it's probably just a bid to undermine and distract from the matter in hand! And please keep posting

I have a few days break away from everyone ATM because dh is with DD in one place and I have headed to another! Whoo hoo! Is it terrible to say that I feel rather de-mob happy!

Have a good day everyone hanging on to that rope!

So sorry for misspelling your name there Staywithmemyblood !

And that should have read "Thank you for posting" Bigsandyballs!

Must remember to preview!

Pegs you lucky duck! Throw that tin hat in the air and go enjoy your freedom! We all benefit from a bit of respite now and again. Bet you miss them like crazy though

Thank you Stay it's actually more work than pleasure, but my evenings are my own, so will definitely enjoy!

@pegs enjoy your few days off 😍

@missus💐 for you. That sounds so hard. No I wouldn’t give her a phone with that kind of behaviour either but I would try and discuss it and explain why beforehand so it doesn’t ruin the day with expectations. It’s so extreme there must be something triggering her, is it worth. GP appointment?

@maryanne I’ve been thinking about your situation, it’s so hard as she’s pushing you away completely. Do you think she’d go for a stealth trying to rebuild the relationship. Something along the lines of looking like you’re accepting her choice to move in with your mum but would she let you take her out for a kfc (or other crappy food chain) and a shopping trip? Don’t make any suggestion of her moving back but just start to rebuild bridges.

How is DD today @mcmen both of you stay strong, it’s ok to collapse on the floor for a while though.

@daintytoes hope you’re still with us even if not posting 💐

It’s interesting what @pegs was saying about them being fine so soon afterwards, the more I look back the more I can see it was them sometimes pushing boundaries but others they just can’t find the words to articulate what’s going on and the red mist comes down and I don’t think they genuinely know what they’ve said and they definitely don’t fully comprehend the impact it’s almost like they chose their words to try to transfer their pain, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.

When we had our first child free holiday in over 20 years last year I really missed the dog.

at missing the dog Billy! I must admit, after yesterday's shenanigans, its going to take more than three days to miss anyone much!

This is going to sound trivial, but it comes on top of 3.5 years of issues from DD1.

DD1 (19) had medical appointment today. She wanted to take BF. So rather than me driving her and being able to be at the appt, she has to drive BF (so has the hassle of parking at unknown place etc, BF doesn't drive). After appt, she then rings me up to ask next steps. I point out I wasn't at the appt so don't know what they said, and this is why I thought it might be a good idea if I went …. (She has form for not asking all needed questions due to her dyspraxia).

In parallel, DD2, 14, refusing to engage with a small amount of maths. Yes it is the school holidays, but in term time she is 'too tired from school'. We have just had a week away so she's had 11 days off. Then she says 'I never wanted to be adopted'...

Either one I could cope with, but both at once is too much.

I hear you Teenstimestwo it grinds you down after a while. It's when every little standard task or interaction becomes difficult that you begin to lose the will to live! Its very draining indeed. I feel a lot less motivated to do thinks overall, as it kind of sucks the life out of you. Huge sympathies

Is it time yet?

What a day of running around for kids at the doctor again for bp to be checked and bloods done
A Van drove into me at petrol station so nice big scrape to sort
Dd1 bf got on touch he was so sorry his phone broke and he was off school sick he only lives with his dad who doesnt have a mobile so whether its true or not she believed him and meeting him after show rehersal
I think ill stay out of it now and might help my bp if i calm down. Have to go now to leave dd2 in town and now she starting to drive me mad she gave dd1 her pocket money last week to get her alchol for before teen disco whicj dd1 didnt do and dd1 told me when they where having an arguement . I told dd2 ( 14) she could go to town for an hour and then school concert so hopefully she doesnt let me down
My heart goes out to all of you hope this thread helps you all as much as it helps me.

Hi everyone, sorry for flouncing off out of the thread but you understand why...won't go in to it again!

Since I last posted things have mostly been good. DD hoovered living room without me asking, has made cups of tea without asking, wanted a photo of us both on her phone she's mostly been like a different girl (although always scared of saying that out loud / writing it down as I could jinx it!).

The issues which have arisen are in the form of supporting her with an incident from the weekend. She was out locally Saturday evening in a group of girls and boys. Home at 8.30pm by choice then at 9pm asked to go meet one of the boys half way down our street as he wanted to speak with her.

Basically he tried to kiss her despite her repeatedly saying no and stop. Forced his hand up get jumper and put his hand between her legs, over her jeans.

She told me about this last night. Suggestions to take it further have been refused as she's scared of not being believed. She's confided in her best friend who has said it is sexual assault but DD isn't so sure. She told her stepmum who then told her dad (my ex). He has old DD she was over reacting, it's what teenagers do and she probably led him on ex has form for being a total dick head btw (but that's another story!).

I have told DD that she done absolutely nothing wrong...nobody ever has the right to do any of those things without permission...even if she dances around naked it is still completely wrong...no such thing as leading someone on, to get that in return. Again, DDs head is filled with the shit my ex is putting in it.

I told my DH last night and although he agrees it's not right, he is treading carefully as "DD has form for bad behaviour and lying" I'm livid. Totally livid and my head is all over the place. Who is this man I married?

DD does not want to take it further...boys parents, school, police....as boy is from a "dodgy family who have knives etc" and apparently the boy threatened her when she ran away after the incident.

Head is pickled disappointed in my DH, raging at my ex and sadness for my DD and also frustration that she cannot see this for what it is.

Thank you Staywithmemyblood, Pegsinarow and Billybagpuss. I appreciate the encouragement. That sounds horrible Daintytoes - you’re completely right to feel let down by the reactions of those around you. So hard to know what to do and how best to help if she doesn’t want to take it further. How is your daughter feeling now? Hope the more settled period between you both continues xx

Oh @daintytoes that’s hard. I am dreading trying to help ds navigate gfs and sex. He is way too knowledgable and keen for his age and I fear won’t listen to any advice from me or any other adult. Has form for doing massively stupid and impulsive stuff and our rship feels too fragile for me to influence him. However, school hols not too bad so far tho he is on phone the entire time , ‘having a life unlike you’.

Oh daintytoes that is so awful for you and your dd this is one of my biggest fears I trust dd1 she is sensible and only kisses and her bf has never let his hands wander so that is why im keen on him but dd2 will be different she is away too advanced and after looking for alchol i cant trust her now so gave her no money going out tonight and explained to her she too young and if she gets drunk she wont know what she is doing and boys could do anything to her so i hope this frightened her.
I hope your dd is ok its so hard to let them out after something happening
At least she told you it shows she has a good bond with you and you are a great mum

good evening PoTs

@ Teens that exactly what I am relieved I no longer have to deal with, they want to be independent yet always miss something, they want you to do things 'now' your life is not your own. The only thing I do know for sure about your post, is she absolutely does want to be adopted by you. You are her safe place, you will be the one she runs to when she needs parenting advise herself. You will be the one sharing all her major life successes to you, you are doing an amazing job.

OMG @Dainty, first, I don't blame you at all for your little flouncelet It was a totally unnecessary bump on the thread that is all gone now. Secondly your poor DD. I think on this occasion she is probably right to not pursue it further but simply because it will prolong the stress for her and nothing is likely to come of it (and its so bad that I feel that way, I hope someone comes along and tells me off and with something more encouraging) The reason your DH gave is awful, of course she should be believed and I bet she was in a seriously weird mood before she told you. As for your Ex I can absolutely see why he is your ex that is awful. I think you've done the best thing so far, telling her that no one has the right to do that, it is sexual assault and that you will help her get through this as dignified and with as much confidence as she can. Is he at school with her? I would maybe persuade her to let the school know as 'locker room banter' would be really difficult to handle and could have far reaching impact.

@Mcmen Oh dear for you, I think you more to come with that young lad. At least things will be calm again for a while and hopefully he treats her right. Hope you have a good calm weekend.

Thanks for replies.

billy yes he's at her school and in a couple of her classes. I suggested telling the school but she was dead against it as she's scared of the threats. This boys cousin apparently stabbed someone at the weekend. Well I say apparently...someone in our area (which btw to a particular budget pants from before, is one of the "nicest areas" in our part of the country) was stabbed at the weekend, was caught and apparently it's this boys cousin. And his family is known for this type of "big man" behaviour. So she's terrified of any type of authority finding out.

I absolutely see this as sexual assault. Don't get me wrong I'm sure teens (boys and girls) in their naivety will test the waters for the next stage, but surely they teach this stuff at school and home that No means No? This boy went from trying to kiss my DD, touch her breasts to her genital area all in a matter of under a minute despite numerous No's and Stop's from DD. Wee fucker.

I'm here if she needs me, I've done all I can to reassure her that she's done nothing wrong at all. Her agreeing to meet him was not an invitation for a grope. It was her being a friend and meeting him in innocence. She knows that if she wants me to take action then I will.

I remember this from being a teen. All the "frigid" and "like trying to get blood out a stone" comments. It makes you feel like utter shit. And back then it wasn't regarded as assault, it was seen as the norm I guess.

DD went to her room when she got home and I only saw her in passing as I had an early night. Sunday was spent grunting at me from behind bedroom door whenever I asked if she needed anything or if she was ok. Then after that she seemed to be in a good mood. Tbh the only concerning and u usual behaviour was he good mood

Thanks mcmen for your lovely comment. I'm not so sure about he great bond but I guess something like this does show that we have a better bond than I thought we did.

We made great progress at CAHMS this week, went for a lovely lunch after our session today.

Then ds asked could he go to a sleepover for an 18th tomorrow night and we said no.
He opened the car door when dh was driving, dh stopped. Ds got out said fuck this, slammed the door, thumped the window and walked off. Dh came home, ds in 3 miles away. I want to put him out, how fucking dare he. We’re in CAHMS morning noon and night I’m exhausted

Deep breath @whoops it will get better, hope you get a peaceful night sleep.

Is there a way you could compromise with him tomorrow night? Its so hard, especially with everything else he's putting you through.

Oh your poor DD Daintytoes I hope she is ok. How depressing that our teen girls have to still put up with this crap in this day and age [anger]. And so sorry you've had such unsupportive reactions from the men in your life. God it makes me livid! Probably not the best approach, but I'd want to wring that lad's neck frankly, or at least give him a good talking to!

You'll know best how to handle it Daintytoes but I think I agree with Billybagpuss about having a word with the school; so that they can call all the lads and lasses in and give them a serious talk about consent. Hopefully they could handle that in a discreet way for your dd.

Will she be ok with him being in her class? You can judge best in this case, but sometimes I think it's necessary to talk to the school even though our DC don't want us to (in the case of bullying for example) and this is similar.

Great that she confided in you though and great you came back to the thread! Long may the calmer times continue!

I'm seriously thinking of enrolling my DD in a self defence course before she leaves for uni! What a world we live in eh? This sort of thing was getting better in my day; but it seems to have nose-dived again.

Sorry you have had such an awful day McMen71. Hope car scrape not too expensive to fix. I guess you can only give the bf the benefit of the doubt in these circs and tell your DD to tread carefully! Really great that she didn't buy your youngest alcohol! Shows that she has been taking on board your advice, even if she doesn't like to admit that she is at the time! . So a testament to your dedicated parenting there! I hope your blood tests come back ok. Would it be possible at all for you to take some time out for yourself to do something relaxing for you once in a while?

Teentimestwo I meant to say earlier btw, if it's any consolation, that DD regularly says "I didn't ask to be born"!

Billybagpuss yes, I think a large part of the back chat is about transferring the pain now you mention it!

Waves to Xeroxarama MissusSee and all the other lovely Po Ts on here!

I am currently revelling in solitude in my own budget hotel room! Tis lovely! Have been visiting/helping a relative all day but now have a bubble bath, double bed, a remote control, some M& S grub in the fridge, and a half bottle of white wine and a spanking new copy of Country Interiors all to myself! No DH snoring (sorry DH ) and no teen dramas! Whee heee! Living the high life!

Xpost Whoops75 oh what a shame when it was going so well. Hopefully he'll regret his moment of impetuosity. Hard though it is, try and and hang on to the fact progress with teens is never linear. It's three steps forward, one step back. Hope you can relax this evening.

Sorry Whoops75 expressed that badly! Meant to say you are making progress if he's attending CHAMS and you had nice lunch, so try and hang on to that. Could you use 18 th birthday as some sort of bargaining chip? Such as, you can go if back by a certain time if you drop your CV round to X number of places, or investigate X number holiday jobs, x number of college courses? Sorry if that is way off beam.

We had said we would collect at 2am
He packed a bag and left, hit the furniture on the way out and said I was a c**t.
His younger sister is ashen.
He was only being good because he wanted something, I should have known.

We’re walkjng on eggshells all the time, it’s an abusive relationship, I’m exhausted, I’m relieved he’s gone, my heart is broken

whoops do u know where he went
I never allow sleepovers yet but said id considercit when they are 16
Both mine out tonite hubby will collect them at 11 so im having an early night and catching up on this thread. Hope your dd is safe.

pegsinarow enjoy your peaceful night and I have time out when im at work get plenty of peace in office I just need to calm down got some medication for stress and it is helping. Had a mini child child moment this morning but back tracked quick and it blew over easier.

Oh Whoops75 I'm sorry. . That sounds so hard. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry you are going through such a hellish time atm. I hope in time he will come to realise that it's much harder out there in the real world than he imagined and come to appreciate everything he has at home with you.