Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Thank you McMen71 wishing you a peaceful night too!

💐@whoops

Hope for a peaceful night and that you’re able to focus on DD without all the. drama

I have four teenagers. None of the are awful but I do find the constant worry of them all affects my mh. My eldest is away at Uni and costs us a lot of money and I worry he is reckless. He has wasted away in excess of 3.5k in a few months which was money his now deceased geandparents lovingly saved for him to set him up in life. He cannot account for where it has gone. My ds 2 is a great nut we have had a lot of worry over the past year with a terrible incident wherevhe witnessed his friend killed by a speeding driver. The after effects are ongoing and affect us all. It is just the constant grind of dreading what is going to happen next the worry when they are out at night , when they start driving etc. Its never ending and if you are already an anxious worrier as I am then it becomes overwhelming.

Babyroobs it really is a hairy time and I agree, if you are at all anxious generally, having teens really exacerbates that. It must be especially hard with four! My sister went through the same thing with the driving worry (still does to an extent). So sorry your dd2 has such an awful experience.

He’s just home, sent an apology text from outside the door.
Asked to be let back in said we were right.
He text his friend to say he wouldn’t be at the party.
I’m in bed with dd
I’m going to stay here, I’m too exhausted to move tonight.
To be honest I’m not ready to forgive him.
We live to fight another day.

Babyroobs
I agree even good kids are a worry. I couldn’t wait for mine to be older so I could sleep the night and have ME time. Now I would take 3 under 6 in a heartbeat.
So sad about your son and his friend x

Oh thank heavens he's home and safe Whoops75 . That's great he chose home over the party! I know you're understandably still cross with him but it's great he's seen sense. Sleep well!

So glad he’s home @whoops it’s another day of finding the balance between forgiveness and annoyance good luck.

@babyroobs. It’s just constant one thing after another isn’t it 💐 to be fair it’s not hard to go through that much at university and I’m sure his grandparents would be happy he’s used it towards it. Does he get loan too. My dd has been on the breadline for 3 years as she gets the minimum topped up with a bit of bar work and piano teaching.

I’m so sorry about your ds friend it will never truly leave him especially having witnessed it that’s awful

it’s another day of finding the balance between forgiveness and annoyance

^This is so accurate

Onwards and upwards x

maryanne and daintytoes everyone

This space is for you, not the teens! Thank god, a space for us.

I've skipped in and am not up to date, so sorry if things have moved on a bit from Tuesday.

Anyway, this is how I've come to think. This is not a judgement. The teens can't care for us. We can't let them break us, it's not fair on them. They simply don't have the equipment to deal with taking any load from us, so they shut down and roll their eyes, shout, punch the wall, swear, dash out etc.

So when I say "see how you've upset me" DS's snarls because there is nowhere for this to go. It's like when you've had a bad night, a long difficult day at work, headache and then friend says " Can we chat?" And you think noooooo, not now! But you respond as an adult.

So I guess that's going back to the Child- adult dynamic. Teens are big, clever, articulate toddlers,and you'd never ask a toddler, mid tantrum, to kiss mummy.

Thinking like this helps me to, I guess, keep strong and I suppose, adult, instead of blaming them, as if they were adults, for how awful they are. This protects my MH. I do think I have suffered physical problems due to stress to be honest. Migraine ( very bad and often) and hair loss.

maryanne Your DD living with your mum is a big tantrum, you not off loading about the backstory is magnificent, adult and right. You are also right to be sad, in private, here with us.
And in RL if possible.

It will pass, all things pass!

PS prettyvase your comments are simplistic. I massively agree that parenting needs to be great from the beginning and I have adhered to the ideas you have mentioned. I could paint an oh so rosy picture of my family,: happy 25 year marriage, careers,. Kids: polite, fit, kind, well educated , do chores, look after animals, no playstations, no phones at the table, family meals, blah blah but this is not the whole truth for us.

I never say this to others, except one work friend who has a 15 year old DS nightmare, and her DH is a posh vicar! No one escapes life without scars. Let's help eachother and not apply for the top of the smugs prize. (prettyvase you are the winner, by the way .) . If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there are many truths about a situation.

Wow that was long! Sorry

Whoops

We have discovered Dd who is 14 has a 19 year old boyfriend. She says she is in love with him.

We have contacted police and social services. They have put her on an at risk register. We have tried grounding her, taking the phone, etc etc

She just sneaks out. It's so exhausting. Everyone but her can see he is manipulating her.

Yesterday, I was so stressed I couldn't come down from it at all. I went for a long walk which helped a bit. All is calm now but I'm always on tenterhooks , waiting for what will happen next. I am working later and will be grateful for the break

whoops75

Last summer I was having an enthusiastic moment, and thought it would help DS with GCE exams if he looked ahead to university.

I saw a drama course, which he loves, and suggested he aim for this. Well, he went mad ( in front of GF) punched the living room door, punched his door, split a panel in both, punched the wall, chipped plaster, called me. C**t and stormed out vowing to never return.

He came back alter and apologised and filled the holes he made. Still bemused by it.

Hugs and empathy to you.

he is on phone the entire time , ‘having a life unlike you’.

Xero this made me laugh! Can I nominate it as teen quote of the week?

whoops75 Im so glad he came home hope you have a better day

Thanks for all advice from everyone since this thread started i am coping better have a good day everyone Im at work to 5 left them a note to tidy rooms heres hoping.

Hello! Just popping in while taking lunch break! Busy today and out to dinner tonight so may not get back on here until tomorrow morning, but sending waves to all Po TS in the meantime!

Just wanted to say it's so great reading through everyone's posts as ever; enlightening and reassuring all at the same time!

Sorry things are tough currently though Whattodogfs

Thanks Pegsinarow she has just admitted she sneaked out last night after we were in bed.

Goodness Whattodofgs you must be worried sick. Really good that she is communicating about it though!

whoops75 so glad your DS can easily home safe. Hope he can get back on track with the CAHMS sessions and you get a chance to relax

Daintytoes really to read about the sexual assault on your DD by the boy from school. What a fucking liberty!
Terrible response from her father too, and disappointing not to have full support from your DH either. No wonder you are livid! This was not her fault in any way.
Hope your DD is doing okay and maintaining her good mood
Like you, I had similar experiences at high school and it was seen as normal 'boys will be boys' behaviour. You would hope girls nowadays wouldn't have to put up with this shit, but sadly it still happens and unfortunately, as in the circumstances you describe, I can understand why girls, such as your DD, refuse to report it.
However, like Billybagpuss and Pegs have suggested, I think it would be worth letting the school know, even if you make it clear DD does not want it pursued at this time. At least then, they'll have it on record, and if there are any further incidents with any other girls they'll be likely to take it seriously. Maybe they could also issue her with a pass, in case he upsets her in class and she needs a bit of time out (my DD has one which allows her to go to the guidance corridor when she feels overwhelmed/anxious. She just needs to just show it to the teacher and doesn't need to explain what is wrong in front of the class).

nakedscientist "The teens can't care for us........They simply don't have the equipment to deal with any load from us." Totally agree with you. However, DH can't get his head around this. It's his biggest frustration with our DD that she us oblivious to the hurt she causes. I'm going to show him your post Our counsellor is also trying to work on this with him as it's damaging his relationship with DD. He means well, and is trying to be protective of my MH, but trying to 'shame' her into seeing his POV does not work. Underneath all the teenage drama and outbursts DD is a loving and caring person, but until that teenage brain matures I've just got to keep wearing that tin hat and find appropriate support (counselling and you lovely ladies are helping enormously - thank you

mcmem fingers crossed for a tidy house when you get home today

Whattodofgs teenage girls in love just don't see the red flags, do they. Sound like you're doing all you can. Just keep being there for her now

Have a lovely (grown up) evening Pegs

Whoops75 should've read 'came home safe' - damn autocorrect!

Mine are not quite teens yet so I hope nobody minds my asking, but do you think it’s harder if you’re a sahm? Because you’re around all the time to take the flak?

I am currently a sahm through choice right now but frequently worry that it could give my dds something to look down on me for when they enter this tricky stage....

Mind you, my mother worked and I still think she bore the brunt of my sister’s teenage years instead of my father. Maybe mothers just take it all more personally.

@whattodo that sounds so hard, they just don't get it do they?

Yes @escapade I do think the mums get more of it, I don't think your DD will look down on you hopefully it will be easier for her knowing you are there, but I think you need to make sure you have plenty of outlets yourself so the 4 walls don't start shrinking in on top of you.

DD2 has just come home borderline tears thinking she's boring, it was one of those conversations where whatever you say she wouldn't listen or believe. She has struggled with MH for some time so does sleep alot when she's at home she works and gets very frustrated when people don't pull their weight, which happens a lot, so they all think she's terribly serious. I feel she's lost herself at the moment and she wants to achieve at uni and is living at home so she is worrying that because she doesn't want the traditional alcohol fuelled uni experience that makes her boring too. I know its just her mood at the moment but I can't seem to help.

escapade - I don’t think it makes any difference. I was a SAHM until my eldest was 12 and then I went back to work FT. After 3 years I got a WFH job which was brilliant as it stopped DCs treating my house as a party house when I was at work.

They were difficult, my eldest DD especially but my DSCs were harder because I had no authority just a lot of responsibility for them. My DH was a terrible Disney Dad in the first few years and has only recently realised how wrong that was for us all. Weirdly the youngest DSS is 15 and so far he’s been no trouble. But he still has time.

Placemarking as I have a 12 and a 15 year old!

OP it's not just you!!

Last week I had to cancel meeting an old friend because my DS15 had been shouting his head off at me for a comment I had made, and slammed a door so hard that bits fell off it (he's 6'1"). I cried so much I couldn't go. We ended up having a long talk about it later on though and things have been better since.

My DD12 has been charm personified until she started secondary, but is really changing now and getting sassy, so I may have double the problem soon.

I also have elderly parents next door and a very hot tempered DH and this combination has led to my alcohol consumption increasing dramatically over the past two years.