Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Is this true or in my head.
I am a victim or a perpetrator.
Should I just attach this to my will with the condition that it is not read until my children have passed. If they see this in their lifetime it may damage them. Or will it give them awareness and strength to stand up to what I didn’t.
I will be trolled, questioned, judged. My motherhood will be smashed, my mental health the answer. My children may hate me. But in a way they do already.

Break the chain is what you’re supposed to do. Have I done what I promised to my children when they were sleeping that I wouldn’t. I have not been perfect. I have lost my temper, shouted, cried, exposed them to things they should never know, not kept them safe, made allowances made up for things that weren’t ever in their lives. Afraid for them, watching my daughter agonise over the lack of affirmation over a photograph or comment, not having enough friends, not being popular or edgy enough, being too bright, achieving too much, having views, opinions and beliefs. Worrying about the shape of her nose. She in her mind will never measure up.
But her grandma is her safety, a stable and quiet influence, a wise old owl, offering oblivion. Little does she know.
My daughter will have a voice one day. She screams for it, she is desperate for it. But she has to conform. She is judged. Every day. So she attacks, manipulates and hurts. She hasn’t had the standard life. Does anyone. God knows I have tried. Kittens, puppies, a horse, makeup. She sees beyond it all. She is spoiled. She wants things and then doesn’t. Possessions are not important but she wants them. Affection attention and love are what she needs but she can’t accept them. Sharing my stories is heinous but she is curious. Conflicting loyalties, confusion, switching from being good to being bad as everyone expects the opposite of each.
So, now I wait for my boy to leave. I delight in his joy for life and belief in his future. But is he just biding his time, being loyal, keeping his head down. He will go on to better things soon and I can’t wait for that for him. Will he come home for a Sunday lunch and to have his washing done. Is that all I can hope for. My heart will leap for joy at a text and if it has an ‘x’ at the end I will be able to revel in the thought that have a child that loves me. That will buy him some more pocket money and a few months off having to come home.
Do I sound like a victim yet. Do I sound like a self-obsessed mother who is ridden with guilt. How is this possible when I have been the best I could be. My love is unmeasurable, unfathomable, incomparable. Yet not effective.
I cannot be alone. I must be amongst thousands. Yet where are they all. We could laugh and tell stories. But I don’t. I haven’t learned that skill. Its all in my head and dreams.

Being level headed is everything. So I surpress, control, try not to feel. You must never show emotion, only to an acceptable level. My mind and body rebel. Where does all this go then? Put your energy into work – be inspirational but vanilla and don’t rock the boat. And then an explosion of emotion. Very bad and not up to standard.
Do I ever get to be right. Surely I know what is right for my children. I know I do, I think, maybe. But I have to keep it inside. The old, wise woman is a force not to be reckoned with. I must conform. But I am 50. 50 years of being a child. Shame on me.

maryanne19
Oh, that is so beautifully written. My heart goes out to you.
Hugs 👐

Maryanne that is wonderful and so so accurate

Good morning everyone!

Maryanne19 thank you for such a very powerfully written post The question of victim or perpetrator in particular rings bells for me!

Billbagpuss I know you said not to ask but may I say I think you deserve a and several s for taking in unofficially adopted teen. How lucky they are to have you there for support

Thanks for giving us all hope Firefighter999 (very appropriate nn for this thread btw ) , Billybagpuss WhoopiGoldberg'sCat and SandraDea! It is much appreciated!

Yes, Billybagpuss hopefully we will all come out the other side stronger (including our teens) and be able to support others with similar issues.

Funnily enough Holdingtherope and Obviouslynotallthere we haven't had any major dramas for the past week either - just the usual "so and so is in Italy, and x and y are in Turkey and Spain and I'm stuck here at home" to which I calmly reply, "you have a horse, having a horse is a responsibility, you knew that it would mean giving up holidays when we bought the horse, you agreed after long and careful discussion that you would not mind giving up your holidays to be with and look after horse, many other teens would die to have a horse etc etc etc" [sigh] . But all in all, not too bad!

Sorry you are stuck in the middle Storminateacup ultimatums never helpful How is it going now?

LittleCandle thanks for posting, that must have been so very hard to go through. Glad to hear things much improved now

LordProfFekko Well I suppose being able to respond with a few old testament commandments might come in useful occasionally, especially "Honour thy father and thy mother" . Speaking seriously though, can really sympathise with the soul searching and the general anxious ponderings. Mine is seriously worried about the world ending when she is 37 owing to global warning and/or war and tbh I don't think it is entirely misdirected worry but obviously trying not to say that in so many words but trying to redirect the angst to what we can do on a personal level. It's tough going though!

FentonforChristsakeFenton (another great nn btw!) Billbagpuss TicklingCheese and Squeegle yes , exactly, that's the thing. I don't think any of us on here are saying that parenting methods don't matter, how we parent is fundamental to a child's development I think we all agree, but children in the same family can turn out very differently. One of my best and oldest friends has four dc now young adults. My friend is one of the most dedicated mothers I know. Let's just say all of her dc are on stellar career paths in medicine, music, law and academia; but I remember her telling me how hard she was finding it with two of them in particular and how stressed and defeated she felt at times. (And she is not one to complain.) She told me years later than one of them nearly split the entire family apart. That particular child is now at a prestigious US University teaching something like quantum physics! So it's entirely possible to be a good parent and have challenging teens who kick off!

And YY Fenton and Billy my dd is very skilled in trying to play dh and me off against one another! And he falls for it every time! Probably because he travels a lot and works long hrs, so isn't around to observe everything else that goes on!

Xeroxarama hope you are not having to endure too many protests and bad language during the holidays x

Staywithmemyblood hope you survived London sojourn and YY to flickering light switch image!

Stick with us Daintytoes

How are the holidays going McMen71 are you managing to keep track of your dd? Hope all is well

Waves to BigSandyballs Bibbitybobbityhat Tinselangel

Can't scroll down any more so will bbl if I have missed anyone out!

Thank you for your comments. My ramblings were an attempt to explain what happens when you lose the power to parent a difficult teen when she can run to my mother who happens to be a controlling narcissist. It's tough enough with the added complication. So the result is my daughter is now living with my mother and won't come home. It's heartbreaking.

Catching up ... cont'd/...

Xeroxarama TheGodmother and QuickNchange I think being on screens too much has a depressive affect on my dd, not necessarily because of the stuff she is accessing (although everyone else's life is always better of course!) but because of what she is NOT doing when she is on the wretched thing. She doesn't have access to phones at night but it's difficult to remove during the day because she has so much project work for school. She does do quite a bit of other outdoor stuff, but reading your posts, I think I am going to perhaps get her to agree that we have two or three "screen free" evenings this holiday.

Yes indeed LittleBillie it's those "little moments of sunshine" we need to store up to help us through the dark days!

QuickNChange Hope things are going OK for you during the holidays? x

Oblomov How are things going for you? It all sounds so hard. Any resolution with regard to school and weed incident? It doesn't sound fair on your ds. Extremely draining to cope with when healthy, never mind when you are unwell. And good luck with job hunt.

Staywithmemyblood Aargh! Teen relationships! I agree with MachineBee and others. Sorry your dd is being treated that way which must be very hard to witness. No advice but I hope your dd eventually finds happiness elsewhere with someone much more deserving of her attention

How are things going with you and yours Whoops75?

Waves to Parsley65, Nakedscientist and everyone else I have missed; sorry it's difficult to scroll further on this device! But hope I haven't ignored anyone; if so, it was unintentional!

Hang in there Po Ts!

Oh Maryanne19 I'm so sorry

So sorry maryanne
Obviously don't know the back story, but perhaps the 'best' you can hope for, is that it is your dds teen rebellion. Our teens tend to choose the things we react the strongest to, in order to rebell the most, and hurt us the most. Hope she sees sense. Best wishes.

Thanks I hadn't thought of it like that.

Hello All,
Just wanted to say Maryanne that she will know in her heart that you are there for her - and always will be. Just remind her in any small ways whenever you get the chance
Easter hols here. DD is 'revising' in her room and I can hear her laughing, so assume she's actually communicating with friends instead! I haven't the heart to go in, as it's so nice to hear her having some fun after being stuck under a black cloud for much of the last two years.
Anyway, Easter greetings to all. Hope you can find some small moments of peace/solace/enjoyment...

Definitely stuck under a black cloud here atm. Talk about a 180 degree thrnaround. Tried to have a word with her about it as it's bringing us all down - and was the same last Easter - and I had spoken to her some weeks ago reminding her about this, asking her to consider others. She's stressed about her studies, but she has also procrastinated hugely, so alot of the stress is of her own making.

Conversation started off parent-child, but her responses were so rude and entitled, that I'm afraid I let it descend to child-child. Tbh it was a better alternative than doing what I wanted to do in that moment which was to shake her ( Sorry if that sounds hideous. I'm not someone who is prone to being physically violent ever, honest! ) But her lack of comprehension and insight as to how her behaviour affects us and then, when we have explained it again, her total lack of care about it, is utterly infuriating.

And this happened right after reading this thread today fhs and looking at the interaction models again! How stupid of me was that?

And now I feel right back to square one again. So demoralising after a really great few days away (especially as I spent the day mostly doing her laundry so she could study!).

I know it's largely subjective but her life is so much better then mine was as a teen, not just materially but in terms of having two parents who are interested in her and care about her (my parents did too but were too worn out/strict/tied up in their own worries/ very large family) to be able to show it that much.

DH has so little time off work and it's ruined his day too . He's being much more patient about it than me that makes me feel even worse tbh.

That's a very good point from Ticklingcheese. Maybe, Maryanne your DD needs this distance for now to separate herself off from you, the person she loves the most.

Hi. Just working out how to talk to you all. It's clear we all have our children's best interests at heart. An agonising time but thanks for the hope that it'll get better

Hi @pegs. She does care I promise, she just doesn't know how to express things at the moment. At my lowest ebb I actually told DD2 that she had broken me and her response was 'I don't care' and she did that eye rolling well look at me thing, and for what it's worth Easter is the worst. Christmas is ok as they can emotionally detach from what is to come, but Easter they know within 2 weeks of going back it gets serious. How old is she? is it GCSE year?

Hi. She is about to do GCSEs. It's so much for them to take in and to achieve and I understand the pressure is immense. I wanted to help her through it but now I can't. I have to leave her alone so I don't disturb things for her. But it should be me helping her, not my mum.
Bty I am very aware that all my posts since signing up today appear very selfish and all about me. I am better at helping others than myself (as I'm sure you all are).

Hi @maryanne the point of this thread is to have somewhere you can whinge and be selfish and make it about you

How long has she been with your mum for? Will she help persuade her to come back. The other thing you could do is visit, take her out make it seem like it’s perfectly normal that she’s there. Don’t forget to post to let us help you hide the fact that the whole situation is killing you inside.

For all of mine once the exams actually start the attitude changes. The anticipation before is by far the worst bit. Then she’ll have other focus’s prom etc have you bought the dress yet?

Stay strong she’ll come back 💐

Totally get what your all saying. My mother unfortunately has been a very controlling influence and will delight in the fact that it is her seeing my daughter through her exams. I have bought prom dress and it is with the seamstress. My mother will take that over too. We have been estranged for a year now and she is happy to come between me and my child. Cant believe it all. Maybe I should go on Jeremy Kyle

Good morning all!

Maryanne19 That seems like a very difficult situation with your mother. Dealing with a challenging teen is hard enough without added family complications! And yes, never apologise for "me me" posting! We all need to vent and that is precisely what this thread is for!

Thank you (again) Billybagpuss your presence on here is invaluable and is keeping us all sane! (Definitely keeping me sane anyway! ). DD did apologize last night and she actually said she didn't mean it - and then just carried on as if nothing had happened - as usual it took me longer to move on. I really think a lot of this is hitting home when it normally wouldn't because I am a bit unsteady ATM owing to issues related to menopause, lack of confidence, future direction etc. The more these disputes happen, the worse I feel, when normally I would bounce back a lot quicker ifyswim! Also, I know I should be more forgiving but when a teen says "sorry" for having said "I hate you" two hours previously, then repeats the very same thing the next day (for example) one tends to grow a bit weary and sceptical!

Anyway, as ever, it's a new(ish) day! We'll keeping plodding on!

Although DD is 18 she still doesn't seem to realise that the way you treat people will affect the way they respond to you.

An example today: DD in foul mood, stomping about, arguing with her sister (who to be fair is just as bad today), back chatting me, refusing to clear up all her shit in the kitchen etc etc. I said "God I wish I hadn't taken a day off work, it's easier being at work than here with all this going on". DD responded with effing and jeffing and said she also wished I was at work as she preferred being home alone without the hassle she gets from me. I walked out the room and left her to it.

Fast forward a couple of hours …. "Muuuum I reeaaallly need a new dress for Friday's party, can I have your card to order something online pleeeease, love you". WTF! NO. She genuinely looked shocked. Then "Muuum, I'm popping out, could you strip my bedding and put it in the wash, as it's got fake tan all over it".

NO, why would I do that when you speak to me like a bit of poo on your shoe.

That bottle of red wine is calling me ….

[flower] to everyone else this evening.

Pegs I completely agree re: menopause etc and finding it harder to cope with the aggro.

My ds 12 nearly 13 is like this, pblybwoth me not his dad also the model student polite outside them home etc. Add to the mix I have a 2 year old who is going through tantrums and in menopausal! It's a fun place to be

All quite here this week but its only Tuesday. Looking advice for dd1 she is going out with a boy since Jan 19 she goes around his house often. He has never been to our house so she asked him to come up on Sunday he said hed like too, but when it came to sunday she never heard from him and still hasnt. She has tried to contact him but he is not open her snaps and not answering phone. He has been seen by his friends at school so he is ok. She is so heartbroken and confused as he hasnt broke up with her but is ignoring her. They had a great weekend together have never had any arguments lucky him she saves them for me. Her friends told her to keep messaging him but I think this is a waste of time if he not answering. Im telling her to forget about him or go to his house which she normally in at least 4 times a week and sort it out. Please go easy with replies as im very fragile about it as I kept at her to ask him up and when she does this happens so im feeling I put too much pressure on them both are 15. He is very good to her normally and this is totally out of character for him he is very popular.

@sandyballs, I completely agree they have no idea what the impact of their rudeness has. It is funny now mine are older and they start checking themselves when they realise they are doing it. I was at the gym earlier with DD2, we were both feeling a bit meh, and when we'd finished I was set to go and she started blaming herself for being so negative and started acting happy (hope she managed to snap out of it internally as well as externally) We ended up having a good time did some weights. This would not have happened not long ago it is just finding the balance between pulling them up on it and not pushing them back into foul moods.

Isn't their a bit in 'Genesis' that says for eating the apple we will have childbirth in pain, I guess they edited out the bit about menopause coinciding with teenage crap.

@mcmen I don't really know what to suggest, she must be in a right wobble and you were absolutely right to ask him to come round, she needs to realise you'll be more trusting of her if you can meet her friends. But for now you need to try and help her handle it with dignity. If he is ignoring her, she should assume its over and he wasn't worthy of her. Its so hard for you both.

Hi Maryanne - thank you for sharing your beautifully written post. for you, and sincerely hope your DD finds her way back to you soon. It must be heartbreaking for you, especially with GMs influence, but I'm sure Parsley65 is right and your DD knows deep down how much you love her and will always be there for her.

jobbymcginty sounds like you've joined the right thread. Welcome!

Sounds like you deserve that this evening Sandy - enjoy! The fake tan covered bedding is a recurring thing in our house too 🙄

Hi Pegs - glad you managed at least a few days drama free, although it sounds like the light switch has been flickering for your DD too. The Parent-Child thing is sooooo hard to hold on to isn't it. You sound like such a lovely person though, and one day your DD will be able to tell you she knows just how lucky she is to have you as her mum

Our London trip had its moments! I did think of you all when DD and I were walking arm in arm down Oxford Street , but here's the 'behind the scenes' reality - DD just gets anxious in crowds! Then she gets v narky and critical ("You're so slow" "Why are you breathing funny?" etc ). I think it's born out of her frustration at wanting to be all independent and grown up, yet realising she is still a child in many ways and needs the protection of her parents.

daintytoes - hope you're doing okay

As always, really appreciate the support from this thread - it helps me a lot realising I'm not going through this alone, and the wise words from those who've been through it truly give me hope for the future. Thank you

Thank you to all of you - I haven’t posted in a while but I’ve found it so helpful to read the lovely supportive comments.
Some days I really feel I can’t go on anymore and I don’t know what’s going to happen to our little family. My DD’s reactions and refusal to comply have been so extreme that we’ve been referred to Social Services. Before Christmas we had had no problems and a nice, happy, comfortable life. Within four months our whole world has crashed around us because of DD (14) erratic and unreasonable behaviour. She has physically attacked me, tried to run away and been brought back by police and tried to jump out of an upstairs window. She is so nasty and calls me ‘weak’ that I cannot deal with things by myself. She is demanding that I get her a new mobile for her birthday next week - obviously I can’t give into emotional blackmail but I’m terrified of her reaction. She is also doing no work for GCSE modules in a couple of weeks time.
I just hope and pray we find a way through this but am finding it so hard to stay strong with no chinks of light in the darkness . . .

Hi mcmen sorry to hear about your DDs BF trouble. It's so hard to witness them being let down and badly treated isn't it. I think you have given her good advise, which will preserve her dignity. Fingers crossed she doesn't bombard him with messages as per her friends advice. Sadly though, no matter how much we want to be able to make it all better for them, all we can really do is be there to listen and hug and mop up the tears for you both

billybagpuss If we'd been told about the menopause/teenage combi in addition to the painful childbirth the human race might've died out long ago!