Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Will update properly later.

But just to drop by to say...ffs prettyvase we're not totally shit parents like you have insinuated we are. My DD was an amazingly kind and lovely little girl. She was genuinely the funniest person I'd ever known. And she was helpful. I taught her to do loads around the house and she loved being my helper.

She then hit the teen years and she is like a stranger living in my home. She's not the best but she's not the worst either.

Yes there's some properly shit parents around but please don't come on to a support thread and speak down to us and blame us for anything! If you've got advice on how to deal with things as they are then great! But what is the actual point in saying "should have done this or that!!" That ship has sailed!!!

So if you've got some constructive advice then great. If not then cheerio!

Some of them are angels and some are devils. My DD is lovely,, helpful and thoughtful; my DS is the opposite. I don’t think you can attribute either behaviour to my parenting.

The more I think about this the more I am seething. I also read your cross post prettyvase. Good for you, I'm glad your dc's are washing cars and cooking dinner. Big par on the back for you!!!!

I don't know what you're doing on this thread, apart from being deliberately goady. You've given no proper advice. Just "be better parents....10 years ago". Great advice thanks.

@prettyvase you're not sad at all just smug.

However would like to report in That DS2 has had a great week staying with his grandparents and is now home slobbing about after being so good.

And @prettyvase mine too have days like that, and we’ve also had days when they’re paralysed by depression and suffered ED so frankly I hope your nails look amazing and that your younger two don’t suffer. There is still plenty of teenage years left.

I am a good parent mine all do their own laundry and could cook a full family meal from the age of 9/10. As a parent you are also their safe place and very often that can mean being treated like shit, which is bloody hard and can seriously effect your MH these lovely ladies have helped me start to recover.

My kids are all successful, one is set to graduate with a first in a law degree this year and the others are also achieving firsts in their first year now in equally demanding subjects. That does not mean they haven’t suffered and I have borne the brunt.

So enjoy your perfect kids and I truly hope they remain that way 💐

And to those with DCs in year 12 who have lost their way a bit, for various reasons both dds repeated year 12 elsewhere so don’t stress its not easy but there are always options

Prettyvase glad to hear you've brought your DC up to be "kind and thoughtful" and "responsible." With all due respect however I do think you could practice what you preach as your glib "Blame the parents!" comments on a thread for parents struggling with MH model none of the above qualities

Hang in there PoTs!

Billybagpuss hope you tracked down the chocolate thief! Unacceptable behaviour!

Billybagpuss hope you tracked down the chocolate thief! Unacceptable behaviour!

I know shocking behaviour 😳I’ve whittled it down, dd1 doesn’t like nuts and it was fruit and nut. DH is playing the ‘what was that chocolate wrapper in the bin’ card (to deflect from his guilt) and if it’s dd2 she’ll be on the loo all night as she has issues if she eats too much fat. Which leave UADS1 (unofficially adopted ds, don’t ask it’s a long story) but he’s more of a savoury man and not prone to chocolate theft, prime suspect had it been pizza or cheese though. I’m thinking dd2?

I missed prettyvase’s post. Utter poison on a thread like this.

Some teens in caring homes of responsible parents sail through the teen years, some don’t. My lovely friend’s teen is giving her hell. Absolute hell. Her other teen is delightful. It’s blindingly obvious to anyone with half a brain that that’s because all people are individuals and will respond differently to the same parenting so beware the Ides of smug because you NEVER know what is coming.

Hello everyone, just checking in.
My 15 year old actually said 'thank you mum' for his dinner the other day! I nearly fell off my chair! A small thing, but a little ray of hope. He's still a nob most if the time though.
Agreed, it's really not helpful when posters come on and tell us about their perfect teens. Just makes us feel more shit really and also feels goady, like 'this is what you could've had, if you were a better pardnt like me'
Anyway, here's wishing you all a restful Sunday with your teens, keep strong people, we'll get through this.

Another thing that has occurred to me as a result of prettyvases post. This is precisely why so many parents suffer through these years in silence with their mental health in shreds. You are spending every waking hour questioning yourself as a parent. Is it my fault my teen has an ED or is suicidal or self harms or is actually just a perfectly normal teenage shit. You dare to mention it and get told actually yes it is your fault if you’d taught them how to do the washing up and turned off the WiFi all would be fine. 😡

Another thing I’ve noticed as my kids and their friends get older and are now starting to come out the other end, all this crap they (and you) have been through has given them real life experience. I’ve been astounded how many have gone into caring or mental health professions or have been able to spot the signs in other friends and really made a difference.

Keep holding onto the rope everyone, you’re doing a great job and it is worth it

Morning @whoopi that did make me chuckle😁

Well, mine thinks he is found religion now. This can have its uses though (tell the truth now - did you take your phone to bed?) but he has only got his ideas from the Old Testament so you can imagine...

It could be worse. I think he has been pondering death, life, the universe and everything so just needs a compas.

I had a break down when DD1 was about 16. There were other factors involved in it, not just her, but she was the main reason. I was also being undermined by her wanker father, which also contributed. My mental health improved hugely when she left home. Things were difficult between us for years, until she became pregnant. Now, its a different story and she has also lost the rose coloured glasses that she was viewing wanker dear father with.

Tbh billy I actually feel like not sharing any more on this thread due to previous comments. I don't want to be judged, especially on other people's behaviour (DDs). Doesn't really feel like a safe place anymore

Don’t feel like that @dainty you are doing a good job and I think there are far fewer, if any, families like that of the pp. from my DDs year there have been so many issues from good decent hardworking families who had little angels at primary school that had so many troubles when they get older and those who thought life was perfect either had a ver real awakening or honestly didn’t know the half of it.

Keep the hard hat on and 💐 and the one thing I have learned from this thread is I am absolutely not alone. Even down to the sanitary pads.

daintytoes please don't say that. Not that i don't understand it, but you need to offload somewhere.
Think of not so prettyvase, as someone who has a lot in store or perhaps is a bored teen 😁.

Smug people should not be given the power to destroy this thread.

I so wish, it had been here, when I was at my lowest.

Just wanted to add you all seem like amazing parents- keep telling yourself this is temporary and there is light at the end of the tunnel 😁

I’d love to know how old prettyvase DCs are

This view that all troubled kids come from troubled families is so untrue.

Like other posters I wish real life friends would be more open and honest about their teens. Not just a Facebook/insta account of fabulous holidays and everyone getting on.

My hubby has just given me an ultimatum him or the kiddie yo the unruly behaviour of teen DD. Problem is she is desperate for her dads attention and she wants to do stuff with him but he wants nothing to do with her until she behaves. She misbehaves she gets his attention. She is horrible to him but he is horrible back so bit of a no win situation.

Oh @storm he seriously needs to grow up doesn’t he and you are stuck in the middle. I guess you’ve had the conversation many times trying to explain what she’s doing. He also needs to realise that ultimatums just don’t work as people always take the other option. 💐and 🍷for you.

Hello everyone. Op here just checking back in.

Everything has already been said really about Prettyvase's posts but I just wanted to add that, although everyone is entitled to an opinion, as Staywithmemyblood mentioned, I'm not sure it's either wise or kind to post "blame the parents" on a thread where mental health issues are flagged in the title.

It tends to make parents, who are already struggling, feel even worse and isn't remotely helpful.

Speaking generally, there are parents posting on here from all walks of life and in different circumstances, whose children include prospective Olympic athletes and school refusers. And the underlying issue that affects us all is challenging teenage behaviour. Is that some strange coincidence? Are we all bad parents? Or does the state of adolescence itself, its hormones, and their adverse affects, have some role to play here?

I'm happy to take responsibility for my own parenting mistakes (I am sure I make many) but I don't believe for a moment that everyone on here is a bad parent.

Fwiw, my DD has her own horse and has always looked after animals and had chore lists from the age of six years. We have always encouraged her to cooperate within the family. She was also an altar server at church and has looked after and has always mentored younger children in that role. She can also be a delightful, helpful child who, as it happens, cooked for us frequently, while we were away just now. However, none of that makes a jot of difference when she is stressed and lashing out.

And I can understand Daintytoes why you feel reluctant to share whilst we are being judged in this light. I felt exactly the same way when I started the thread tbh. But I would urge everyone to carry on posting simply because its immensely helpful to share these problems and swap strategies. To hell with it, if we are judged by others, as long as it is helping!

Lots of unpacking to do now before washing and packing again, so I may not get back to catch up on everyone's posts tonight but will definitely be back in the morning to try and do just that!

In the meantime, welcome to newcomers (non-judgemental ones anyway) and big waves to the "regular" Po Ts! Strong brews all round! Enjoy your Sunday evenings everyone!

Evening all!

After my DD epic behaviour last weekend she has been an absolute angel all week. No back chat and nice to be around.

I’ve been thinking well what have I behind doing that’s different. Chances are absolutkwy nothing different and it won’t be long until she blows up when I ask if I can make her some dinner?!!!

Hope you have all had no back chat weekends

It gets easier, my 18 year old is a lot nicer now than a couple of years ago!