Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

@Staywithmemyblood any advice??? Hahaha we don't learn, my aunt is in her 70's is going through the same! Why do we do it to ourselves? All you can do is hold her hand I suspect, and hope she learns from it. Wish I could offer advice. It's awful when your dc is hurting and you can't "fix" it.

Ok PoTs, hard hats on, let this Easter break be as painless as possible.

@Xeroxarama

Yup 100% agree with you!! My DS is so much "better" now I've permanently taken his Xbox off him. And I love it when they don't have their phones, def more engagement. Probs coz they're trying to be nice to get their phones back, hahaha, but whatever :)

How many are finding their teens are better with the better weather.

🙈Oh dear, TheGodmother, your poor aunt!

Fingers crossed for more sunshine @ billybagpuss ☀️🤞

how is everyone's week going. I have had a few moments but trying to stay calm. I gave dd1 20 pound on Tuesday to last her the week as she has rehersal's after school every day for a show, she needed food but had to give another 10 yesterday and weekend coming up and she will want money to go out with friends. I will have to drip feed her money from now on. Teen disco for other dd2 (14) tonight but thankgod she does not cause me any hassle yet. I went into dd1 bedroom on my day off on wed after reading posts about messy bedrooms and it was terrible and I like an idiot tidied it all up took out at least 4 big bags rubbish clothes all over place. I had ordered her new clothes that arrived today Im at work so told hubby to hide them as she doesn't need them today. She got results of a Y11 gcse biology test yest she got a C* in foundation or ordinary level I don't know what this means if it good or average she said that is the highest you can get in foundation. She won't do Science for a levels. She is into Music drama arts Spanish. Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend my 2 dds don't get Easter hols to next wed.

I honestly feel its all got to go pear shaped soon. Mine are being amazing this doesn't seem right I've had so many years now where every holiday had arguments and all sort, this is just too calm - are they growing up?

That’s good news for your DD re test results mcmen - well done her! And well done you for keeping calm 👍🏻

Also great to hear things going so well with yours billybagpuss - you are giving me hope for the future.

DD is like a flickering light switch - one minute all is light and lovely, the next it’s all gone dark again. She as a total pita this morning. We are I having our London break and she wasted most of our morning putting on makeup, having a tantrum and taking it all off again, blaming me for everything naturally and topped it all by burning her face with her hair straighteners. I was soooo mad, but just kept thinking of that Parent-Child model and held on to my temper, and hugged her when she burnt her face. she eventually stopped her shitty attitude and apologised

Glad to hear some good stuff. Tedious argument here about everything from cleaning teeth to dinner and two massive shouting matches where he swore horribly at me. It is so shocking to be on the receiving end of such awful language. I felt upset all day. How much autonomy do people’s 12-13 y olds have? All I seem to hear is ‘you have no right to tell me to ...’!

oh I hear you @xero and people can tell you not to take it personally but of course you do, they don’t speak to anyone else like that so why should we have to put up with it?

You’ve got this itbis going to get better

You have to start early if you want to avoid a hard time with your dc in the teenager years!

Basic life skills like putting laundry in the basket, knowing where to put the detergent in a washing machine, making basic meals, tidying up and putting away, how to wash up etc can all be taught at the same time as potty training and cleaning the teeth: the toddler stage

Then these things become automatic. You won't need to remind a child to do these things if they are taught as part of a normal, early routine.

Kind and thoughtful behaviour can be taught too at an early age. All older DC can learn to make a cup of tea when someone feels tired, for example.

The worst parent-dc relationships are when the parents do everything and expect nothing. Or when the home is treated like a hotel.

These DC turn out to be selfish, self centred, ungrateful and in the case of boys: horribly misogynistic in that they just expect women to pick up after them.

Parenting is about helping to give your child the basic life skills and social skills needed for your child to have a happy, successful, independent life.

You would be amazed how many DC go to university without having learnt the basics like cooking a simple meal or cleaning up after themselves.

Blame the parents!

In answer to the title, yes. It also puts a strain on my marriage (which will be fine because we keep talking but I can see how easily the strain of teens could blow a marriage apart). At the moment they are the biggest source of conflict for us.

Disclaimer: I love my teens dearly. I always feel I need to say that.

Ah Prettyvase I thought that once. I had my kid cooking and cleaning with me at 5. At 12 he decided the mere idea was an outrage. Maybe give parents a bit more credit

prettyvase
I really, really have to disagree with you. Do you have teens?

I could have said the same until...
Yes it is a general issue that parents cater too much to their dcs needs, because it is easier than teaching them. BUT all the upbringing seems to disappear when our dcs turn teens. Some are easier, some develop mh issues, some just reacts very strongly. When out the other side their upbringing emerges again.

But please - it is just too easy saying it is the parenting. If so why has teens always been an issue.

I have tried to put this kindly, but before you have lived it...

It's like people whose infants sleeps nights from day one, who cannot emphasize with others 🙁.

Sorry about language, not uk, and I got excited 😀.

Long day yest up at 7am bed 1.30 this morn went to pick dd2 up at disco all perfect Dd1 all i could see at 1am was her on her own she swears the bf walked her down but when i pulled out he was no where to be seen so i kept calm to this morn and told her i am not happy with the bf that i am so annoyed he didnt come down to where i could see him with her showing her respect. I had been driving for 2hours doing collecting and droping off friends so was angry that i didnt see him told her if he is going to disrespect my rule I dont want her to talk to me about him bit childish of me so she said if you let me stay out late tonight like 11 I will ask him to our house tomorrow. I wont hold my breath they will make ip an excuse he has something on once they get out to 11. She away out now to rehersal for show until 4 and then out with bf so apart from a few msg i might get I wont see her again to 11 Just having a sat morn rant

Oh, it’s rough starting your weekend like that! I find any mention of respect etc is so emotive- I get on better if I stick to strict facts (even those will provoke endless argument!) and clear consequences. When possible!

@mcmen - absolutely agree they'll make an excuse, I'd turn it back around and say invite him for tea tonight and then you can stay out until 11. I had a tiny grumble at DD1 (22 ffs) for leaving her plate and cup next to the dishwasher rather than in it. Her response I was just about to and I just came back with 22 years of experience tells me otherwise. Which probably wasn't fair as she's actually been really good with helping since getting back from uni this time. Also why are you spending 2 hours driving all her mates around whilst she's not even there? or have I misunderstood that one? and at her age I would be livid BF leaving her alone at that time of night.

@Fenton hope you're ok I completely agree that it puts a strain on other relationships too, especially when you handle it alone all week then they come along with an oh so helpful suggestion, or give them what they want undermining you, or believe their lies and not what you tell them. (He did have major egg on his face over that one.

@Prettyvase hahahahahahahaha hope that made you feel better and may I congratulate you on having such perfect children.

Thanks Billy! Our dd has a very good divide and conquer strategy she likes to use. Trying to get dh to see it for what it is can be hard. I’m not sure how much she knows she is doing it - she’s not a nasty girl. She is, however, sure that she is a poor victim of terribly harsh parenting whereas all her friends’ parents are much more easy going etc etc

@Prettyvase I'd tell you to fuck off but I'm too polite. It's people like you that really piss me off with your judgemental bull.

@billybagpuss the driving around was for the girl at teen disco and her friends and collected the older one at a shop near her bfs house on way home. I really couldnt be bothered with anymore drama so all quite when she out other 2 building lego ☺

Fucking hell at that preposterous post from PrettyVase! Fgs.

Way to go Prettyvase, coming onto a support thread and smugly telling everyone it's their own fault.

@fenton (haha, just read your full name, just been doing a gun dog course and that clip came up )

Yes we had that a lot with the older one and DH would try and take her side then hate it when he had to apologise later when he realised what she was doing. They do also try and play off what they perceive other parents to be like, its very rarely accurate.

Ok, I have a problem, 3 DC's in the house, all having an afternoon nap, just got home and someone has stolen my chocolate

Yes I have 4 teens and one who is 21 and the behaviour you are describing sounds horrific.

My teenagers and their friends are a delight. One ( my 18 year old) is currently cooking for everyone. My 16 year old has just done my nails and my 13 year old is outside washing my car.

I honestly don't understand how you cope with being so utterly badly treated.

Mine do their own laundry, do extra jobs around the home and garden if they want extra money and even have to contribute money for family holidays by having a local job/ babysitting/ washing cars etc.

They can cook for themselves and their friends if they don't want what we are eating and they pull their weight around the home as part of a team.

They have looked after our animals from a really early age ( we live on a farm) and so are used to being kind and responsible to others from an early age.

They are all far bigger and stronger than me so it would be frightening if they weren't as lovely as they are.

I am very sad you are having such a soul destroying and miserable time.