Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Or verbose Billy

Must admit Tickling the noise cancelling headphones are a great asset in our household sometimes and not only for teens... .

Hi everyone. On way home from work (on a phased return after a stupendous mh breakdown last year!) I had text my DD to remind her to let the dogs out for a pee and to give the living room a quick hoover.

Reply "whaaat??!?!? But you love hoovering"

I do actually quite enjoy hoovering but out of principle she should do it as, you know, she's off on holiday! And you know what, she agreed! I'll see if she's done it by time I get home though

Personally, I feel IMO experience it's better to pick my battles. This is the main thing DH and I fall out about. He thinks "picking my battles" equals me being soft and letting DD away with murder. But seeing as I have underlying mh conditions which are very much affected by stress (including non epileptic seizures which are stress induced) I do definitely let a lot of things slide. So eye rolls, door slams, a bit of attitude etc I just let go, for the sake of my mental health and peace and harmony in our home. The bigger things such as trashing her room (including used sanitary items on the floor ), drinking, bullying behaviour toward me, igmorong her exam studies... I can't let that slide.
Whereas my DH gets all het up over the smallest thing. He seems to think because (in his rose tinted memory) because he and his siblings were "nowhere near as bad as my DD" then we should clamp down. From my own experience I know that things could be 1000000x worse so I choose to not sweat the smaller stuff. But each child and parent are different and so are their tolerance levels.

Anyway, let's see if my living room floor is dust and let hair free! Almost home!!

including used sanitary items on the floor

Eughh don't do that to me @dainty I'm having flashbacks now
We even had pads go through the washing machine where she just stripped off and put them in the basket.

billy yep same here it's revolting. Saturated pads still attached to knickers which are still inside trousers. Saturated pads face down on her cream carpet ffs! She's a vile and revolting specimen at times.

She'll put maximum effort in to her makeup and hair but really not give a shit that she's got makeup or toothpaste on her clothes. I've been trying to prise a hoody from her for almost a week now so I can wash it. It's new, pale pink and covered in food. In fact she's wearing it right now and I'm planning on my head how to get the bastard off her and in to the washing machine. I think I need to go on the sweary thread.

Hoovering done. Not to my standards but it was done!

YY daintytoes and billybagpuss - used sanitary pads often left on the floor/attached to knickers/in the washing machine here too (courtesy of DD - they're not mine! ). Just disgusting!

Sounds like we're living parallel lives daintytoes. I let a lot of petty stuff slide, partly for the sake of my MH (I too have recently returned to work after a prolonged MH related absence), but mostly because they don't really bother me. I'm more concerned with DD's MH and keeping communication channels open. DH however (who was apparently an angelic teenager ) says I 'pander' too much and gets really pissed off with all the little things.

We've started seeing a counsellor who is going to mediate and help us devise a joint parenting strategy we will both be happy with. Hopefully a more united approach will benefit DD too - or at least she'll hate us both equally!

On a more positive note, DD and I went for mini-facials today . So lovely and relaxing, and no arguments - all day!

Hang in there PoTs!

Love the NC btw Holdingtherope

We’re still on pause.
No school
No desire to find another
No idea of next step

Good morning everyone!

I'm going to be absent from this thread for a few days so just wanted to wish everyone (and their teens) well while I am away and hope you'll keep on chatting!

Oh Whoops75

Daintytoes and Staywithmemyblood good luck to both of you returning to work. Hope it is going well .

Hope the counselling proves helpful Stay

And hope you managed to nab that hoodie Dainty

Billy/Dainty/Stay similar ickiness here with pads stuck to underwear in laundry and re: hygiene which goes in phases, either extreme buffing, scrubbing, brushing, beautifying, or wearing same hoodie for days on end!

My DH doesn't notice any of the "little" stuff. I wish he did. It's me who gets irritated by the mess. I actually did a little celebratory dance in the bathroom yesterday on discovering that DD had put a liner in the bin for the first time in three years of asking . Small victories and all of that!

Take care of yourselves Po Ts X

@whoops hang on in there, the rope will get more secure soon.

I’ve just looked back through your posts and your description of the cahms waiting room sums the whole bloody period up perfectly🙄

Will his old school take him back or has that ship sailed? I think you said he was coming up to 18 so yr 13? He can get full funding at 6 form college until 19 (or could 5 yrs ago may have changed) this means starting the course by 19 so still ok to finish if that makes sense.

Of course the other option is a crappy minimum wage job that might put things into perspective for him and help him find his motivation, as you are well within your rights to insist that if he’s not in education he starts contributing to the household although please stay on the thread for the handholds and hugs you’ll need for that route.

Hope he’s not giving out too much over Easter hols. 💐

Have a good few days @pegs and I’m strangely relieved I’m not the only one who’s dd did that with san pads.

for you whoop we seem to have escaped that type of teen trauma, for now. No advice but hoping things start looking up soon. Has he been excluded from s hype is he choosing not to go in? I'm on the app and as I've Bookmarked on here it's taking ages to scroll back...I got to your post about your waiting room analogy, which is so true. I have certainly aged and become quite haggard over the last couple of years and I'm not even 40 yet

Managed to secure the hoodie. Makeup on the sleeves, as in neat foundation splatters, so will need more stain remover and another wash. Anyone know what will get it out of the stain remover (Vanish) doesn't work? She bought it with her own money so maybe this will be a lesson to her.

All quiet here last night. She's been told she's in every evening this week to study for Nat 5's which start in about 5 weeks. And if she can do that then she can get out at the weekend. Some low level whinging but all good.

Woke up to 4 text messages from her at 1am asking me to pick her up Primark pyjamas after work and a full description of them. She's to leave her phone at the bottom of our stairs overnight so will need a wee chat with her about that. But thank fuck my phone is on silent overnight!! And what is it with teen girls and Primark jammies??! I swear she owns more jammies than actual outfits

Have a good day everyone!

Good morning everyone
Hope u have a nice peaceful break
pegsinarow Its my day off so I decided to pull duvet over my head and leave them to it. The 2 teens are away off to school everything was more quite maybe its me thats the drama queen. It will be all rush rush after school for a show they are in to get dinner hwork and back in town for 5 have a good day everyone.

@dainty I do think they own enough jammies proportional for the amount of time they spend in them. Christmas Day aside I can not remember a time when they ate a meal wearing proper clothes. They change into pjs the second they get home. More nap appropriate I guess.

@mcmen enjoy your duvet you bloomin deserve it after last weekend 💐 good luck to dcs tonight, and don’t forget that it takes 2 to make drama and when one is a teen with its brain in bits it’s very difficult not to react accordingly.

Have a great few days Pegs - tin hat on!

Sounds like a good plan McMen - enjoy the peace

Well, after congratulating myself on a drama-free day yesterday, I popped in to say goodnight to DD (and check she was off her bloody phone!), only to find her in tears (again) due to exBF. Asked if she wanted to talk about it, and ended up staying up til 2am til she was calm enough to go to sleep. It's fine cos it's the hols and we've no work/school today, but this shit has been happening on a regular basis since they broke up in November, and I've lost count of the number of days of school she's missed because of him .

They were together for 4 months. He's in the year above her at school (DD is almost 14) and was her first proper boyfriend (not sexual, but first snog etc). He broke up with her, and she was devastated. Completely heartbroken. Anyway, by mid January he started messaging her again, saying he missed her, he'd made a mistake blah, blah.

DD was over the moon and hoped they would get back together. But no, exBF doesn't want that - seems he just wants to text her when he's lonely, bored, feeling down, and ignores her when something/someone better comes along, gets angry and moody with her if she tells him she feels used, and generally walks all over her!

I can't understand why DD is allowing this? She had a problem a couple of years ago with 'popular' girls and fake friends. Long story, which culminated in months of counselling, but as a result DD now handles girl friendships really well. She can spot the fakes, the suck-ups and the snakes a mile off, and takes no shit. She has healthy boundaries and self respect.

So why does she have a blind spot when it comes to this boy? I guess first love is a powerful thing.

Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent, but I'm looking for your wisdom and experience PoTs. She point blank refuses to delete and block him. I've also tried gently suggesting she set boundaries for what she's willing to put up with, and for how long, before she walks away as it's not healthy or good for her self esteem to give him all this control over her. Any other advice I can give, or do I have to butt out? And how can I stop it affecting her school attendance?

Mcmen
As I see it you did child -child with the plate and cup and then reverted to parent child when you texted and that worked a treat
The recommendation is to keep to parent - child with teens and avoid adult adult because they make poor decisions.

@Staywithmemyblood. Sorry to hear your DD is being treated so shabbily by her BF. I would be very careful not to judge or say anything critical. She will remember those words above all other sensible and kind ones.

It sucks but teens love lives are one area where you have to largely leave them to work out a lot for themselves. Keep ground rules in place but opt for simple and straightforward as much as possible. Do as much as you can to keep the channels open with you and your DD, invite BF round, treat the relationship as utterly normal and drama free, encourage her to keep up with her friends and never judge.

And keep all your fingers crossed.

I'm having a bad time. I feel ill and have been unwell for some time, and am job searching for a second job, that just isn't going well.

and Ds1 is on isolation because he got together with a big group of boys to try and buy weed. One boy was caught with it in school, so by default Ds1 was named as one of payee's and so is in major trouble.
What a mess!

@Oblomov that sounds so hard, its really upsetting when kids get into trouble like this when its not their fault. Is he taking it ok?

@staywithme

What I found with DD1 was it wasn't the boy she actually wanted it was the whole concept of a BF, she was absolutely determined to have a long term relationship and he was a complete and utter controlling arse she didn't have particular good taste where her original BF's were concerned.

So with your DD, I guess he was the first to show an interest in her and she is obsessed. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do. Every time she had similar episodes to what you had last night (although she was still with him) we would have a chat and slowly start chipping away at it with her and eventually she saw sense.

With your DD the boundaries are the way to go and slowly and gradually she will get over him

Afternoon all!
The bit about the rubbish all over your DD's floor (including used pads) really resonated here. I just thought my DD was the worst slob in the world.
Yesterday her bin was overflowing with all sorts of choice morsels. I won't go near it. She asked for money for today to go out with friends for dinner today before a school concert. I told her yes, if her bin was emptied. This morning I went in to chase her out of bed and looked pointedly at the bin. Reminded her she wanted money and after a bit of huffing and eye rolling she did it
Think there's a lot to be said for choosing your battles.
Good luck everyone...

Thanks daintytoes, sorry to hear about your dd pushing you over a wall, sounds horrendous! My DS will get up in my face and barge me. He's a total embarrassment to take anywhere, he has no idea of social niceties, and I end up giving him whatever he's begging for, as it's less humiliating than the almighty entitled meltdown he'll have otherwise.

Thanks Pegsinarow,I really hope I'm through the tunnel quicker, we'll see. Yes, i'll stick with the thread, it helps to know you're not alone. I try to take his phone, but he erupts, so sometimes I'll insist, in which case he'll literally hurl it in my direction, and other times I just give up. His Dad almost always gives up. It's always worse at night when everybody's ground down.

This morning DS wouldn't get up, until it was minutes away from catching the bus. I'd packed his school bag, so we didn't have that drama, but he couldn't find his shoes, earbuds (earphones), bus pass, tie. Didn't do his teeth or have breakfast and was pretty abusive. Happy days.

Btw, a friend of mine's DD would shove her used sanitary towels under her bed. She never did find out why!

For every insta profile with shined-up teen girls, there ought to be behind the scene pics 😂
With smell! Dirty clothes and pads 🤣.

For every insta profile with shined-up teen girls, there ought to be behind the scene pics 😂With smell! Dirty clothes and pads

So true, I'm actually rather pleased that its not just my DD. I honestly couldn't believe it the first time she did it and was equally shocked subsequent times its almost a relief to know she's not the only one.

Yep they are cloudy days with moments of blistering sunshine. I often relish those little moments

Thanks MachineBee and billybagpuss - guess I've just got to keep stocking up on the tissues and hope DD sees sense soon

for you Oblomov - sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Please look after yourself, and hope the job prospects improve and the situation can be sorted with your DS.

Ticklingcheese at the behind the scenes Instagram pics!

I'm heading off to London with DD tomorrow - tin hat packed and fingers crossed for moments of sunshine @littlebillie

I had to give mine an almighty bollocking today and confiscated most tech. The peace has been incredible. I think he actually needed the boundaries laid down and being removed from the always-on social media has been a relief too. I struggle to limit phone use these days as he gets so angry but I’m going to try harder. I just wish more other parents did too.