Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

tickling yes it was a sight to behold! Spanx and strapless bra on show while hanging upside down!! just as well it was back when I had a figure, look like a potato now!!!

godmother keeping everything crossed for you that the good days continue for you, you deserved a reprieve!

Mine were horrific as teens. Truly vile. Violent, stealing etc...

Fast forward a few years and they are the politest most considerate young adults (thank God).

There is hope OP it just doesn't feel like it right now.

mas ah that's lovely to hear thank you, hopefully ours will all turn out the same way I was properly vile to my dad tbh. Went to live with him from about 13/14 and was awful. Feel v guilty about it as an adult. Maybe one day all ours will look back with remorse?

I think daintytoes, you have explained it really well.

This is how I imagine it working.:
Scenario , Getting an early night.
Adult to adult:
You: you look tired love, why don't you get an early night?
Them: I'm just watching this programme and then I' ll come to bed.
You: ok, how long is it?
Them: just another hour
You : oh that will make it midnight
Them: I know but it's the last one in the series
You: if it were me I'd leave it to watch tomorrow, night night.
( fine if it's your DH, but you've not got them to bed, but you have avoided confrontation this one I do too oftentimes avoid a row)

Parent to child
You: you look tired love, you need an early night tonight
Them: I'm just watching this programme, them Ill come to bed
You: no, save it till tomorrow, you'll be tired all day. I'll make you a hot chocolate and that's my final word
Switches TV off
( fingers crossed this works, may take a much longer convo!)

Child to child
You: you look really tired, why don't you go to bed instead of getting yourself really knackered and bad tempered tomorrow like you usually are. It's a stupid programme anyway.
Them : shut up, it's really good, better than your stupid programmes.I'm watching this last programme then I'll come to bed, idiot.
You don't you speak to me like that you cheeky little brat, filling your head with rubbish. Get to bed, now!
Them: no eff off
Etc!!!
( this is how you feel, just spilling out and it makes things worse!)

Child to parent
You: you look knackered already, god help us all tomorrow if you don't get an early night, I don't think I can put up with it anymore. It's a stupid programme anyway.
Them: you have no idea what this programme is even about, do you.? And, if you think I look knackered, have you taken a look in the mirror? You're the one that needs to go to bed.
You: I'm just going to scream if you don't do as you are told FOR ONCE
Them. Here we go again. I'm not listening to you anyway.
Etc

Haha that was a loooong post, sorry.

Thanks for the info and diagrams daintytoes - really helpful and something I definitely need to work on. When DD kicks off big style I guess I subconsciously allow the Parent/Child roles to reverse, leaving myself defenceless to her accusations of me being a psycho if I lose my temper, or weak and immature if I cry with frustration . Like many of you, I find the calmer and less responsive I am, the quicker DD will calm down. She is a persistent little besom though.

Parenting a teenager is by far the hardest thing I've ever done, and plays on all my weak spots and insecurities. Not having had great parental role models myself (DV and emotional abuse, everyone shouting but no-one listening) I was determined to be a 'good mum' and up until DD hit puberty I believed I was doing OK. How naive! I'm now having to face up to a lot of personal issues I've previously avoided and realise I still have a lot of growing up to do myself

Anyway, for you RoseMartha and well done for picking up on, and dealing with, the texting/bullying issue. These bloody phones!!

That sounds absolutely terrifying Bottomplasters. I would've totally lost my shit too . Please don't be hard on yourself . I hope all is calm again and you've had a peaceful evening.

That's really lovely Parsely65 - long may it continue

Sorry daintytoes but I did laugh at your description of your maxi dress incident . That could've been really nasty though . Doesn't bear thinking about.

Woo-hoo! TheGodmother Success! Hope this means you're on the home straight

I'm really so grateful to have found this thread - thanks for starting it Pegs . It's like the line from that Letter Your Teenager Can't Write You, If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a 'surviving your teenager support group rage fest' that's fine with me....... just don't give up on me." Keep holding that rope PoTs!

Also appreciate having the wisdom and support from the 'mums who've made it through' billybagpuss, TicklingCheese, Masai71 and any others I've missed out

Great explanation nakedscientist - love it! I'm going to save it for reference

2DS 18 and 20. 20 year’s behaviour teenage was utterly awful. It has defined the adult relationship between us. 18yo also affected by the behaviour and consequently very distant from me. We love each other and I am always there when they need but otherwise stay well out of the way. Look back on the experience of mothering and wonder what was the point.

Really useful examples, nakedscientist and thanks to dainty for the info. Plenty to think about in that model for sure.

Really good examples nakedscientist thank you. I’m afraid if I did parent-child it’d bring a fight for the remote and a massive scene followed by removal of phone access. But I guess that’s part of it. We regularly get told we have no right to tell ds what to do, and I feel we’ve basically given up parenting for a modicum of peace - helping with chores, putting phone down, and spending time with us are all things I feel really strongly about but have had to back down. Never mind wearing earbuds at all times.
313440Taff that sounds heartbreaking and I feel for you. It’s still early days into adulthood. Relations may heal more I hope. Many of our generation chose motherhood very deliberately - unlike some of our parents- I think that makes it harder, reflecting on how unrewarding it’s got now.

@taff there’s still a lot of time you’re still not at the adult relationship time yet. Hope things settle down for you. My youngest is 20, exams are just around the corner and I’m sure she’ll get more stressed next month but this is the first year we haven’t had it already. I’m almost letting my guard down.

@xerox I’m the same I do everything rather than rock the boat. Their behaviour has been pretty controlling tbh.

Good morning Po TS!

That's a really great explanation thank you NakedScientist. I'm going to print it out as a reference. I'm constantly trying not to let this happen, but like Staywithmemyblood and Xeroxarama an interaction like that here atm might start off parent-child, and easily go through two other models unfortunately before it concludes! But that gives a great example of how to hold the line!

Yes, don't give up hope 3113004Taff. There is still time for things to improve. Their brains don't stop forming until 23/24 yrs. It sounds so hard in the meantime though

Staywithmemyblood agree that this is the hardest thing ever.
Even harder when our role models weren't the best!

Masai71 thanks for posting that; it's so great to hear!

Waves to Daintytoes, 5Leafclover, and all troubled (and formerly troubled) parents on here! Have a good parent-child day everyone

X Billybagpuss I'm guilty of that too. It just shows how their spikiness has a definite pay off! When I came out of hospital a while back and complained I wasn't getting enough help, my DD said "you only have to ask". Er, well no actually ... seeing as asking can involve an explosive reaction or endless procrastination. But at the same time, she doesn't genuinely seem to have a clear idea of how obstructive she can be!

Hi everyone! On my way to work after a late evening of parenting from afar. Trouble with DD while she was at her dads. Alcohol involved, as usual. And 2 boys physically fighting over her apparently always difficult when you're phoned and asked for your opinion and input, but instead you're actually just sitting on the phone listening to them both arguing with each other, like a very strange fly on the wall. I fucking hate it when that happens. Monday and Fridays are my "nights off" from the drama when she stays with her dad. But I always end up getting dragged into it, heart sinks when I see either of them calling me. DD will only really call when she's there when she wants my back up or to moan about whatever is going on over there. Can't ignore the call as exdp was abusive to me when we were together so I'm always on high alert.

naked fab explanation! Thank you, you probably explained it better than my many attempts it's probably a whole load of balls in most situations but may come in handy for someone!

stay I feel exactly like you, fee I have no idea how to parent! My DF is absolutely an undiagnosed on-the -spectrum and has no clue how to show an interest or even pretend to. Loads of other things make my DSis and I think so (and I'm meaning no disrespect to anybody by saying this, not an insult to my DF or anyone). He's a good person and has a good heart but has never had any idea how to communicate with his 2 daughters, especially as teens. He turned a blind eye when we were teens and as a result we were out drinking, in clubs underage, staying out all night, sneaking boys back to our house and although he probably knew about most of it he didn't do anything or set boundaries or even discipline us. He didn't care that I didn't go to school until he was threatened with a fine. By this point my attendance was 33%. Then you've got my 'D'M. Too long a story to get in to but she was verbally and emotionally abusive. Everything was met by sarcasm etc and she had some fucked up ideas on how to prioritise her own flesh and blood and not put them in danger.
As a result I really struggle with how to parent this little stranger that's living in my home. Like you stay I get I was doing a pretty ok job until she hit the teens and maybe younger. I've no idea how to deal with conflict, rebellion or attitude and feel I'm learning as I go along. And probably doing a bloody terrible job of it! And my MH has absolutely suffered as a result. Partly because it brings back my own past and it hits home how little guidance I had.

Anyway! Hoping everyone has a great day. A peaceful day without drama llamas or teens trying to kill you

dainty both my lovely non-teens were home this morning 😁.
I asked them how to stop a teen from drinking week nights?
Their take is, it is very much dependant on their friend group and you have to manipulate them into thinking it is their own idea 😆.

Sorry not helpful, but they say it has to feel like their decision 🤔.

Hey everyone. Gone from weekend. Journey was ok.

Did isolating in room on phone. Me isolating with coffee and quiet time I. Living room.

Asked her to take washing up “in a minute” but no battles today.

Keep holding the rope!

Bottom here! Name changed as a reminder to keep holding the rope!

I had a big tantrum this morning as I got up plate and cup on table from oldest girl snacking last night when she came in from activity at nearly 10pm when I said about it she just goes Right in attitude tone and said calm down it’s only a plate but it’s the fact that she thinks its ok to be having a snack when she already had been given money and went out with friends at 8pm this would normally be last snack time if it home. She then went into shower and noised about drying her hair to about 11pm when other 2 kids trying to sleep. I mentioned this and she had a real strop on. Got in car to go to school put in her headphones and this was going to be the only time she had with me to after 9 tonight as she is in a drama show and they have training after school every day for the next 2 weeks. I completetly lost it then did the usual you will be in bed early tonight and no phone then she threatened I’m not going to go to classes now I’m too upset I will stay in toilets for the day. The blackmail worked I pulled in on way to work and sent her a text I’m sorry please go to class I love you and miss having time with you. Got a message back I’m sorry to love you. So I think it was me caused more of this drama and annoyed myself. I really need to change my approach to adult-adult but its hard when you get up to a mess at breakfast time. Her only chore is to wash dishes and her sister to put them away and keep her room tidy. I stay out off their rooms so I don't totally loose my head.

Just found this thread and have had my fair share of dramas with my teens (ds 17, nearly 18 and dd 15). Including self harm, depression, overdose, weed smoking, ecstasy taking and alcohol induced vomiting! Plus lots more!

I sympathise with so much on this thread.

However, I just can't get my head around a tantrum about a late night snack and a plate left out. (Sorry, I know it was in the heat of the moment and you've apologised) but this sort of 'telling off ' for minor misdemeanours is just SO not worth it and causes more harm than anything else.

Not helpful probably and I'm no expert but all I know is the more I talk to mine as if they were mini adults the better behaved they are. I would never rant at dh for leaving a plate out for example. Or my mum. Or a friend. But when a teen does it, it's the height of disrespect

Headphones in whilst in the car. Totally normal. Ignore and enjoy the peace!!

@mcmen I do know what you mean, honestly you probably want to start getting used to the midnight snack plates. I just have a clean up first thing and say nothing mostly now with every now and then 'please can you put your plates in the dishwasher when you're done' which of course falls on deaf ears. It is disrespectful as they have no intention of cleaning it up but I honestly don't think they see them. I have sent so many apologies for getting upset when they've not done something they were supposed to but I think it does make a difference to their headspace at the time.

Welcome Pasanda! Everyone's experience is really helpful - we all have different approaches and varying circumstances - and it sounds as though you have coped with a lot!

I can see both sides of this tbh, because yes, absolutely, we need to choose our battles and in the grand scheme of things a stray plate doesn't matter (as McMen71 acknowledged when she said she needed to change her approach) but other adults such as friends or our mothers, wouldn't leave a plate out night after night for five years ifyswim (well I hope not)! I know I seethe inwardly when I come downstairs and see an empty yoghurt pot and a spoon resting in the arm of the sofa day after day! That in itself is not serious but add it to the clothes on the floor, the wet towels, the shoes and coats and cables left about, the moulding plates and cups in her room, etc etc, when you have asked politely again and again, it does start to feel personal after a while ifyswim. I'm aware that this is probably more about my resentment about ending up as a facilitator of everyone life atm, but it's the straw that break the camel's back sometimes!

Having said all of the above, my current approach is just to grit my teeth and tidy up without saying anything. It's easier than rowing And this is from someone who insisted dcs should always take part in clearing up and doing chores and helping out (before adolescence struck anyway )!

Glad it was all resolved happily in the end anyway McMen71! (I only enter dd's room when wearing full forensic protection suit.)

NC noted Holding

Wise words Tickling .

Daintytoes Sorry you had such a tough time as a teen. It sounds really hard

Xpost Billybagpuss yes, I type that slowly

Oh mcmen you sounds as if you need a break, so sorry.
Choose you battles, I know it is hard, but nagging confirms dcs opinion of their parents.
Snacks are OK, plates - when there aren't more everyone will notice, headphones you won't get a decent conversation after all 😀.
Saying sorry a lot, I feel gives the dcs the upper hand. Of course you should apologize, if you are wrong, but only then.

@pegs, no you're just more thorough