Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Forgot to wave to Xeroxarama and everyone else! Oh and I've ordered more for later!

I saw a video of someone can't remember who, I'm atheist and they were clearly Christian but I thought the sentiment might help some, She said the its gods way, of making teens so unbearable for many years it makes it easier for you to let them leave when it's time, and she held onto that sentiment when it was hard. I dunno 🤷‍♀️ not got teens yet, you sound like a great mum.

X post Billybagpuss! Great to have the benefit of your experience when it's still fresh in your mind.

And very interested to read your take on Bottomplaster DD situation. I see I would have gone running in there listening to the words and not the emotions behind them again , despite typing out all that theory yesterday! Change is hard.

Thank you for posting Staydazzling! You never imagine it being this hard when they are young! Enjoy yours before the hormones arrive!

Can't stop crying...

It's ok Headache . This horrible bit will pass, promise. Do you have anyone else you can talk to other than dh? Any friends with teens who will admit to the crapness? If not, you can always keep posting here. I'm going out for a bit but will bbl. Could you take yourself out for a treat/distraction?

@headache 💐and hugs it is so hard.

When you get chance just let her know there are other options. If the path she is currently on is effecting her MH (and yours but don’t tell her that bit) she doesn’t have to carry on with it. Far better she is happy and able to cope than what she’s going through at the moment. if she does decide to carry on that’s great too just count the days until the summer hols as year 13 is much less stressful as they have other things taking their attention.

Thanks all. This is week one of brace wearing and I think it's been the week that I have felt like giving up this single parenting lark, the most.

The main problem is her self esteem is so low anyway, she really doesn't care what her teeth look like. So what's the point in going through pain and stress to sort it out?

She saw how upset I was last night and ended up being massively apologetic. It's not so much the C word itself that bothers me, it's the thought I would just as soon have thought of flying to the moon than of using it to my parents.

I've told her I'm prepared to try a week of nice cop where if she wears the brace she gets a reward at the end of the week. If this fails then it's nasty cop- I change the WiFi password and she has to earn it back by brace wearing.

God it's exhausting. Solidarity to all of you dealing with much worse problems

My twin boys (15), have given me a big hug which helped but also made me cry more! Feeling a little better, going to watch them play football soon so I can get some fresh air and a change of scenery

Thanks for listening, back after lunchtime

Morning all. I woke up soon after 6 (not unusual) and decided to go for an early morning walk before the day kicked off here.

My DD actually did some work for her GCSE's yesterday, which is amazing. Two years ago her MH problems had just kicked in and she was cutting her arms (will have scars for life) and saying she had nothing to live for. Heart breaking stuff for a parent to hear. She was frog marched onto the school bus every day, but would just sit in the library and missed lots of lessons - though would attend if she particularly liked the subject (art) or the teacher (physics)
We got into CAMHS within weeks and she has been seeing a psychologist ever since. It started off being weekly, but is now more like every 2 - 3 weeks. For the last 12 months she has been on AD's (her choice - she said she couldn't stand the stuff in her head any longer and that counselling alone wasn't enough) and there has been a steady improvement.

Seeing her yesterday with her head down over her books made me realise how far she has come. She is still very stressed about exams (as are all Y11's, I'm sure) and I feel as though I'm doing them with her, but at least she's going to give them a go...

Anyway, my walk has helped get some perspective on this parenthood journey. Hope you can all take a bit of time for yourselves today. Sending thoughts and to all.

Well done @parsley thats so good to hear, and so glad the AD are working [flowers} , and I'm so sorry to everyone if I am being a fraud on here you have no idea how much being on this thread is helping me to forgive her for the years I put up with it. She has been amazing this morning, the last few weeks for the first time in a very long time she has been encouraging me to do something for me (gym) and really seems to care and want me to succeed and is proud of the little bits I've managed to do (I'm somewhat on the very overweight side at the mo) this caring side I don't think I've seen since primary school and had forgotten it ever existed.

Hang in there everyone, it will get better.

billybag another fraud here 😀. YY to forgiving. After the worst parts, you think moving on will be back to normal, but you have to do a lot of forgiving and forgetting. Seems easier for dd (Forgetting) than it is for me 😁. But we do have a nice time together now, that's a relief.
You will get there 🤞.

Back from football, feeling a bit happier

Very glad to hear it Headache!

Ticklingcheese and Billybagpuss no frauds at all here! You've both been through it/are going through the tail-end of it, and are wearing the t-shirts! And it's so great to hear how things improve! Noted about forgiving and forgetting! This is so helpful to know and prepare for.

Parsley65 really happy to hear that things are gradually improving for your dd after a really tough time!

Tinselangel the seriousness of the problem is immaterial sometimes because our teen's reactions are so extreme anyway! Hang in there! We have braces on the horizon too!

Academic pressure is off here slightly because it's the start of the holidays followed by school trip. No arguments so far! Hope everyone is having a similarly calm afternoon!

teens' reactions that is!

And happy for your sake I meant (obviously) Headache! (In case it came over in the wrong way - hopefully not.) Nice to receive a twin hug too!

Fresh air can work wonders I find! No wonder so many menopausal women take up gardening and dog-walk with enthusiasm!

Iv had a good day she gave me a mothers day gift a week late but her bf asked her did your mum like her present u got her and that reminded her she had given it but we had a family death on mothers day so i will forgive her She asked to get out and I said if bf can get u a lift home which he couldnt so they where understanding. We even played a board game before she went to dance rehersal. Havent had a day like this for so long

That's great to hear McMen71!

My DS 13 thought it was acceptable to not only refuse to go to school all week but disappear to his gf house on Friday and not come home till now - 10 pm on Sunday!

He’s persistently ignored my phone calls and texts - I finally get hold of him and there’s nothing but attitude- ‘stop bothering me’, ‘fuck off’ etc.

His dad has gone to collect him and he always calls 10 minutes before his curfew to ask for more time. He called me I counted 18 times in 4 minutes - it felt so good pressing my red decline button! He’s just walked in demanding to know why I didn’t answer his calls I replied with a smile ‘oh sorry I missed your calls, it’s quite annoying isn’t it?’
He’s gone off in a strop and slammed his door, but I don’t care! He thinks it’s one rule for him and different for everyone else! Self centred sod.

pegs Just wanted to add to my response to Nakedscientist's post below is that I am writing it all from a position of, I think, having been far too reactive and shouty in the past, and as that hasn't really worked, I am trying to re-think my strategy. Who knows if it is the right one though?

I agree fully that lines of communication need to be open.

I have read the books and do agree.

I meant you can avoid confrontation too much

Positive confrontation though.

Well well well! My DD has (fingers crossed, touch wood, toes crossed) been ok this weekend. Just a little low level cheek which was quickly ironed out with a firm but short telling off. Hoping and praying it continues as I've felt relatively relaxed this weekend, which is a novelty!

Over the years I've had various lots of counselling and CBT. While going through a particularly shitty time with DD (amongst other things) my therapist explained something to me which I found really interesting. Unfortunately I've not always stuck to this...I've deviated so far from this model it's untrue, but I do definitely make a conscious effort to try get back on track and remember it when I can.

So if you imagine 2 columns with 3 rows. Will upload a picture to make it easier. First column is you and the second column is your DD / DS and under each name in a list it says Parent, Adult and Child.

Until a certain age I guess, you should always stay in Parent mode and they should always be in Child mode. Quite often they'll try to step up into Adult mode and try to demand etc. You must stay in Parent mode when managing this. As soon as you start shouting, raging, swearing etc you go down into Child mode. This then gives them the perfect excuse to step up in to Parent mode, in which they'll give it "listen to yourself you should be ashamed".

I don't think I'm explaining this very well! Hopefully the photos will help with my site explanations wish I could remember the name of this model! I'm always better at explaining it face to face, with my flappy hand movements etc!

Ok so this is how it should be. You're the adult and they're the child. Even at 13,14,15 etc.

BUT...the little buggers will wind us up and break our spirit until we then behave like a child (shouting, swearing, tantrums) SO guilty of this behaviour

Anyway, when this happens we then go into Child Mode which then gives them the upper hand so they go in to Parent Mode and so the lecture begins! "You're meant to be an adult". "Look at yourself, it's embarrassing mum". And so on!

Do not under any circumstances come down from Parent into Adult mode. Not directly and obviously so. Not while they're still going through the terrible teen phase as if you step down into Adult Mode then they will step up into Adult Mode and that's dangerous territory!

Eventually it'll be safe to let your guard down and allow you, and them, to both live happily in Adult Mode. But not yet! None of us (or should I say or little teenage darlings) are ready for that quite yet