Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

LordprofFekko!

That's a good collection Staywithmemyblood! No one can accuse you of not having done your hwk that's for sure I've got eight of those and same as you, not sure I feel much better informed for it. But one can only try I suppose (and drink ).

I certainly feel I know far too much about how the teen brain works! But does it help?

Cheers Pegs

LordProfFekko feels like I am trying to parent a feral child sometimes

I call mine the ferret sometimes. Cute but bitey.

My "D"D just threw a tantrum and called me a cunt when I pointed out she wasn't wearing her brace for the umpteenth time this week. I'm in tears and feel like sending her to her Dad's. I just wish I had some back up.

Sorry for barging onto thread

Oh wow that sounds horrible. Does her dad stand up for you?

In a inconsistent, wet lettuce kind of way.

Thank God I have found this thread. I am currently parenting 4 teenagers, have a full time job and a husband who works away from home a lot. DS 2 is doing GCSEs , has additional needs and is about as likely to revise as he is fly to the moon. Today I have finally reached the end of my tether. Everywhere is a mess, no one takes responsibility for anything. If I lose my shit I am a 'psycho' and I have just discovered that my Mother's Day chocolates that I hid(!) have been scoffed . Seriously haven't even got the energy to go and confront anyone. So bloody fed up with the lot of them I could quite cheerfully leave.

Nice little quote

How would you guys deal with this?

Away for the weekend at Butlins cost a lot of money I don’t have. We have been out all day teen DD and friend been at Butlins all day.

Got back to hotel, DD and friend came in, DD sullen, moody. I just made general chat got loads of eye rolling and sharp responses. I asked if she would straighten my hair in the morning. She said “if I can be bothered” then started demanding and going on that I order her a takeaway. Friend lovely, feels dead awkward. Stomping round, slamming doors. Acting entitled and spoiled.

It just feels fucking miserable

"We can all have a takeaway tomorrow if you're nicer than you're being now. In the meantime, the toaster is over there"

Not that I'm any kind of bloody expert though clearly.

Relentless going on and on I want to run away. Such a rollercoaster love and hate

@bottomplasters, my DS is like this; I just say exactly what PP said- if you are polite and kind then we can do x. And walk away. Agree it is miserable but my aim is now relatively humble - to stay calm and tell him what he needs to do. I hope if he hears it often enough he will get it . Btw are you at Bognor Butlin’s? Have you seen the new pool? I heard it was opening about now.

I would strongly recommend a short book written by a parenting behaviour expert called Warwick Dyer (he had a TV series on a while ago) called “Mercury’s Child”.

Honestly. It unpicks all the power struggles.

The straighteners situation? I’d tell her that I’d like a proper apology straightaway or the straighteners were going straight in the bin and she would have to save for her own or ask for some for Christmas. And do it.

Bottom take her outside for a minute and ask her if she is feeling unwell, “because you know better than to talk to me like that”.

Say to her you would like an apology and that if one is not forthcoming then there will be no takeaway at all and you will explain to her friend that it’s because she has been rude and doesn’t want to apologise.

Forget about asking for your hair to be straightened.

Toomuchsplother my DD also calls me a 'psycho' if I lose my shit with her unreasonable behaviour. Do you think they get together and discuss best insults for parents? and for you to make up for the scoffed choc's - how very dare they!!

for you TinselAngel. Hate, hate, hate when DD calls me that. Teens today seem to think nothing of it, but for me it's a big NO, NO!

Love the quote McMen71 I think we would all benefit from taking a little time to ourselves and remembering things will get better.

Sorry Bottomplasters, no idea how to deal well with your situation this evening. We were very similar on our hols last summer - DD acting entitled and rude. I cried. DH got angry. DD's friend thought WTF! We came home early! Sending you hugs and . Lots of

Don’t send gin I’m a recovering alcoholic or cake I’m a binge eater!! Ha ha. I have no release!

@squeegle pool is amazing! Better for younger kids I think but teens liked it

Oops! Sorry Bottomplasters and hugs for you then - and good luck

Rejoined MN with new username to reflect how I feel due to DD (16, 17 soon)

Friday evening she went out without telling us where she was going... This isn't unusual, she usually goes to the chip shop about 10 minutes walk away.

An hour later, she isn't home so I text her. She replies to say she is nearby and isn't happy at home as we are shouting at her, blaming her, unsympathetic and she has no friends. DD and I had 3 and a half hours of text ping-pong about how unhappy she is at home. It has broken my heart

DH didn't seem to care at all. I suggested we go and look for her, but he said I was over reacting and she didn't want to be found.

DD came home without comment.. I didn't say anything as didn't want to say the wrong thing and end up with DD going off again.

Picked up a message from niece yesterday to say she had seen DD and checking she was OK as she had seemed upset...

DD late home from her paper round yesterday morning.. My mind whirring, had she run off, had she had an accident. I was just about to go and look for her and she came home. Told her I was worried and she gave me eye roll.

I felt upset, down and alone... struggling to cope with DD being out on her own Friday night, and her feeling she would rather be on her own than at home as she hates us so much.

She feels that I pressurise her too much regarding her A-levels. I feel that is a bit unfair. I know she is struggling, her teachers said so at her parents evening last month to the point she may not be able to continue into year 2. Since parents evening I've asked her twice how it is going, I promise I'm not on her back, seems twice is two times too many.

Yes we do shout at her at times, hand on heart, what parent of teen doesn't. Mostly the shouting is out of frustration, eg: she doesn't get of bed or she provokes the shouting, we react to her. Trying really hard not to get wound up by her behaviour and therefore minimise the shouting but it's hard..

Blaming her. -Yes, DH and do point out facts to her, it's not blame. Eg: if you don't get up in the morning, you could miss your bus to College

No friends. - Yes, she struggles to make friends. This has been ongoing for years. She is seeing PCAMHS counsellor. We have made suggestions, listened all to no avail. PCAMHS has suggested she maybe autistic, testing could take 12-18 months by which time she will be 18 and under adult mental health care. Two services aren't joined up and basically if no diagnoses one way or another by 18, back to square one.

DH puts his head in the sand, offers me no support. I feel so alone coping with this.

Oh goodness these situations are so sad.

Your DH sounds so unhelpful.

Good morning everyone I must say I think we all look utterly ravishing in our tin hats!

Welcome to the thread Headache77 there's nothing worse than being desperately worried about your teen and not being able to "reach" them in the moment, but I'm sure your DD deep down knows you are there for her. I hope things settle down a bit today. Could you take her out for coffee and cake? Although really, someone should be taking you out for coffee and cake too!

You are more than welcome to barge in Tinselangel! .
Like Staywithmemyblood I detest the see you next Tuesday word. Very very hurtful to have it hurled at you.

Hello to Toomuchsplother (love the NN!) crikey dealing with four teens all at once and working full time is a lot . Not surprised you are at the end of your tether. All I can say is "same here" to everything you have written (on a smaller scale in terms of numbers and working hrs). The sad thing I've come to realise recently is, that it's necessary for us to take time out for ourselves, and show ourselves some appreciation, because if we don't, no one else will! Hope - in the nicest possible way - you can say "stuff the lot of you" metaphorically speaking today - and take yourself off somewhere to do something you enjoy.

Sympathies to everyone on here whose other half or ex is not being as supportive as they could be, just when you need them to step up. Generally speaking, I think men find it easier to stay a bit more detached from this sort of thing and compartmentalise.

Waves to Bottomplasters on holiday! Fwiw, I think in that situation I would have said "we're having takeaway when you can find your manners" and shared out pasta ingreds and told them we were making dinner together then tried to change tone by asking friend to choose some music and got on with chopping. Not easy though. Like Cauliflower , esp if it continued, I would have had a private word with her too I think about the cost of the holiday, her attitude, and how she was embarrassing her friend and how more holidays will not be forthcoming if her behaviour continues. Having said all hat, it's so easy to write a strategy down from a distance when you are not in the middle not it! Hope your evening got better anyway and, hang in there, the force of the Po Ts is behind you! Hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Thanks for book recommendation Cauliflower I'm (genuinely) always interested in a new one and will add it to the creaking shelves!

Hey Squeegle I like your "humble" objectives. They cut through all the crap and do the job!

Love the quote McMen!

And @ "ferret" LordProf!

Wishing everyone as peaceful a Sunday as humanly possible! And please take some time out for yourselves too xxx

again to everyone and may you all have a peaceful Sunday.

@Tinsel we had a really good dentist and before they had their permanent braces out he showed them pictures and drew diagrams on his whiteboard about the teeth. Apparently without the retainer the teeth will spend the rest of their natural life trying to get back to the original position and very often 5 years after having a brace many people look very similar to how they were before.

So what I would probably do is when its calm, tell her this and get them some google pics to illustrate it. Carry on reminding her and if she uses that abhorrent word just calmly say 'please don't talk to me like that' and walk away. Then come and have a good old rant on here because it hurts and thats the bit that is so hard because saying to a friend my DD called me a cunt you never quite get the belief and comfort that you need.

@Bottom what did you do, did you have takeaway? What she needed was a friendly are you ok, whats wrong kind of chat. They don't seem to realise that swearing and being rude just exacerbates the mood and its the last thing you feel like doing when they treat you like that. Sometimes I could (eventually believe me this took years of me doing it totally wrong and arguments and depression to get to this point) get them to open up, its probably either the friend has annoyed them or something has happened on SM to upset them. We would then have a cry and go to bed or practise putting on the 'I'm happy' game face which once they start actually trying to not be miserable and pissed off they sometimes get better.
There is no point trying to ask for something like them straightening your hair when they're in this mood but its a good way of regaining the connection when they start to come out of it.

@staywithme. The thing that really pissed me off during this whole period with mine was I would bottle it up and bottle it up some more, doing all the house work myself because it was easier than the attitude I'd get if I dared to ask for help, taking all the teenage shit myself being verbally abused 24/7, or so it seemed, and being a complete bloody martyr and when I finally broke and got all shouty and emotional apparently I needed to see a GP for depression. No what I actually need everyone to help out around here and stop treating and speaking to me like I am a turd beneath their feet.

@Headache, We were in the same boat as you in year 12 and actually ended up repeating it and going to college where she did a level 3 course, got an A which is the equiv of 3 A's at A level and is now doing more or less the same uni course she was interested in when she was doing A levels, getting firsts in most of her modules. Also because the college course was so practical she now has an excellent job earning way more than minimum wage and she finally seems to be coming out of it (age 20) I did what you did for the first bit trying to help having it thrown back at me as she just continued floundering, then when we got to about this time we started looking at other options. Try and spend the Easter holidays doing anything but talk about school, don't ask how the revision is going or anything like that. Actually say to her 'right we are not going to mention A levels at all this holiday, lets go shopping' and do something fun with her so she can relax and she may start to open up for you. When she does, explore some of the other options, she might decide carrying on with A levels is the best option, in which case tell her you will still be asking her how she's doing, its not nagging its seeing if there's anything else you can do to support her. Or it could be to investigate apprenticeships or other courses. Don't worry about repeating, it seems like the whole world at the time but its just a blip in the grand scheme of things. In all my DC's uni courses there is a wide mix of ages and actually barely half are 18.

And aren't the mental health services an absolute joke