Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

The advice is got along with this, when I wailed at my therapist, what the feck am I meant to do when she's winding me up??? I just want to scream back at her! I was advised that's risky business as I go into Child Mode.
Instead the advice was to remain calm no matter what.

So for example if DD comes whinging about something I just calmly advise her. If she shouts at me because my advice isn't food enough (as usual!!) then I've just to advise her to stop shouting as I'll not respond to such behaviour. If she continues to try get a reaction I should just ignore.

I obviously asked "wtf do I do if she just continues to shout at me, or if I walks way and she follows shouting??" She said to me that eventually my DD will get bored of shouting and getting no response at all. Responding or rising to it adds fuel to the flames and gives them what they want...a reaction. Tried it and lo and behold she did indeed get bored of shouting and throwing nasty insults at me. She flounced away off upstairs and then appeared half an hour later with a sheepish apology.

Don't get me wrong I admit I've deviated so far away from this so many times it's untrue. I always forget about it and more often than it I'll tantrum back at her. But each time I've done this it's worked!! Obviously each child is different yet won't work for everyone but maybe worth a shot, keeping the model / framework in mind? It obviously doesn't avoid the initial bad behaviour and cheek but in my experience it does make things fizzle out a lot easier and quicker.

Need to start using this again! Was pretty embarrassing getting parenting advice from my psychologist as I felt like a total quivering snivelling failure but I was at the end of my tether. Stay strong PoT's 💪

Bad afternoon Sunday. Caught my dd bullying via text for fun! I was not happy. I had given her one to one attention, it wasn't as though she had been ignored that morning. This followed me taking phone away for couple of days. Then dd decided I was an f-ing c**t. Lots more aggression poured out followed by self hate and wanting to kill herself. I realise she felt remorse for actions and has made a sorry card for one person involved this was her idea to try and help make it right. Although I have insisted she speaks to all involved using my phone with me next to her to apologise.
Feel totally drained now. She was then unsettled and finally went to bed 20 mins ago. I am Still awake as kids need me to go to sleep last due to other issues.

Its worse than when they were two. I needed to get my housework done and all I manage to do was hoover. Due to spending two hours sorting her out and calming her down and texting and having calls from other parents whose kids were involved.

I am wondering if DD is worse with friends here? Things seem to be ok if she is getting her own way or getting something.

Driving home from day out today she unclipped seatbelt, leaned over me and kept pressing radio until a song she liked came on. Pushing DH out the way in the meantime. all At 60 miles an hour distracting and panicking me.

Fuck the parent parent transaction or the emotion behind it. I was so scared I went mad. It didn’t make a difference for ages then when realised I was taking her phone she kept saying sorry, sorry - you stress me out for ages. No real meaning. Tried to ignore but kept going “mum, mum” for ages. Difficult to walk away in a hotel room. I said awful stuff which I am up now hating myself for. I said I’m going to relapse on alcohol and your behaviour will drive me to it. Fucking hell. I hate myself I can’t cope with her.

No other kids but friend here.

All the books - mum take me to town- tell me punishment is futile and that girls fight 🙈

bottom that sounds absolutely bloody horrendous

My advice in that situation is absolutely not appropriate or suitable. If I were in that situation I'd have opened the car door and promptly kicked her right out, I'd have been livid. I've found it works in some situations but definitely not most of them. Trust me when I say I've absolutely lost my shit on many an occasion and done worse than behave like a child...I behaved like a TEENAGER!!! I've got a hole in my hall wall which I put in it when I flung a door open in a rage during an argument with DD, I've broken the handle on my oven from slamming it closed so hard while in a rage with her. You name it I've behaved appallingly as a result. So much so that I've had to get help for it

And it's just infuriating that your DD only responded when you threatened to take her phone away...these bloody phones!!! Good for leverage but on the whole, a massive problem in terms of our relationship with our DCs.

Hoping that things improve for you all

Ffs rose that sounds bloody awful too. I find it easy to believe that our teenage DCs are capable of bullying others. After all, is that not what they're doing to us? Have lots of and

Morning all! Hope everyone survived the weekend!

Daintytoes thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to upload those diagrams and for the explanation. It does make a lot of sense and it's good to know that it does work too. I know it does myself from the times I have actually managed to keep calm (not often enough! ) but I will definitely try and keep that framework in mind when the next clash arises! I'm desperately trying to improve the reaction between myself and DD and this will help a lot I think. Thanks again.

Rosemartha. Although bullying by text not good, you did really well to pick up on it (as many parents wouldn't) and to deal with it to the extent that your DD saw the error of her ways! No wonder you feel drained after all that! Great natural consequences too taking the phone away!

Argh! Plumbers here again! Back in a bit !

Morning PoTs!

Daintytoes and Peg

Do not under any circumstances come down from Parent into Adult mode

I didn't really explain myself very well before and I had a migraine yesterday which is why my posts were so short.

This discussion is very helpful to me and I think that's exactly what I meant. I feel for my part that I slip easily into Adult/Adult mode and I should be doing Parent/Child. My DH tends to go to the child/child exchanges when provoked (I feel bad saying this, bless him, he means well but he had very little good quality parenting-another story) I suppose I do to if I burst into tears with frustration and anger.

With the younger ones, its so easy to reason with them. My youngest is 10 and it then feels natural to say 'no love, you can't do that today because of X and y, we can do it tomorrow' so far so good. Maybe that is parent/child but it feels more like adult/adult to me.

With the teens, particularly my DS (17) and sometimes DD (15) I have tried so very hard to keep communication open, not bring them up like I was (VV strict). So much so that I avoid saying 'no love" because that elicits such a strong reaction. However, I have now found, pushing back sometimes works, despite the fallout: in a Parent/Child mode ie reasonable stance, no insults, no swearing (on my side). It does escalate to shouting though because they shout so much.

I've read the ' listen so they can talk' books and I do believe in those principals, also 'Raising teenagers', 'Telling tales...", 'How to raise emotionally healthy kids", "Teenagers Translated" and most usefully "Hold on to your kids" Gordon Neufield. This goes on a lot about the parent/adult.child relationships and also the parenting kids get from their peers, which is low quality and harmful.

However, it is desperately hard to apply this when they are ruining a family holiday and dragging you into a dark place with worry, failure at school and insults.

You PoTs are better than any of these books, by the way!

Blimey Bottomplaster that does sound full on! Very understandable to lose it in those circumstances and sorry you're still having a tough time on what should be a relaxing holiday for you too! I would have taken the phone away too!

When dd misbehaved in the car when she was a young child (took her seat belt off for example) I just used to pull in and refuse to move until she behaved, and I still do the same now if she is being rude. So that might be worth a try if it happens again? Just sit there in silence with your arms folded (doesn't work on the motorway obviously, and best if you are not desperate to get home for a wee or, are late going somewhere! ).

My dd tends to be better behaved when friends come around ; she reserves the vitriol for when we are alone . Is the other girl egging her on do you think? It's really good of you and your DH to bring her along too. Bet the friend's parents are really grateful to you too.

Oh and fwiw, my DD only really apologises when the phone gets taken away. Not good.

Nakedscientist Agree! I am in fact avoiding confrontation right now! It's the holidays and DD should be up and about to be receive a parcel she ordered which is arriving this morning. I have to go out and I don't want the plumber to be disturbed by it. And of course, she's still in her bed! I tip toe around her far too much to avoid arguments. Is that what you mean by positive confrontation, ie, making sure they carry out what they promised to do?

Sorry your weekend was a stressful one SandraDea. The rudeness really does get you down. Could you ask the parents of his gf to send him home on weekend nights? My dd has a boyfriend who is over here quite a bit but he doesn't stay nights (not allowed upstairs either). Hangvin there!

Sometimes a bit of humour in all the insanity is a tonic!
Yesterday my DD (15) offered to cook a two course meal for me as a delayed Mother's Day gift (she was away on a Scout camp last weekend.)
She spent the morning revising for her GCSE's and the afternoon preparing the feast, while I read a book and wonder if I've been dropped into an alternative universe
Delicious meal of sticky chicken wings, stir fried veg and noodles in a hoisin sauce and yummy coffee and walnut cake for pud. DD has seconds of cake. Half is left over.

This morning she asks if she can take the rest of the cake to school to share with her school friends. I am somewhat surprised, but agree once she has generously offered to leave me the last slice!

X post Nakedscientist Thanks for further explanation and book recommendation. Hope migraine not troubling you further. Think I get it now! (Sorry, brain not the sharpest ATM!) So what you are saying is that it's worth taking a stand and goung further sticking to what you are asking/saying in isolation of their reaction to it?

Sorry to be a dimwit but can you (or Daintyshoes) give me a concrete example of adult to adult just to make sure I have this right?

And yes, it is deeply wierd that it is so much easier to reason with a 10 yr old!

And definitely agree with this >> However, it is desperately hard to apply this when they are ruining a family holiday and dragging you into a dark place with worry, failure at school and insults.

DD has finally got up and trashed the kitchen.

Wow Parsley75 that's fab! (Especially as she left you the last bit! ). Good for your dd!

Meant to say Daintytoes glad you had a relaxing weekend too!

The good thing about this thread is that those who are currently in a calm state owing to teen good behaviour, can comfort and advise those posters for whom it has gone belly up! Then we can all swap places when the reverse happens

pegsinarow
Hope you don't mind me butting in.
I am a firm believer in that we (familie) help each other out.

BUT during the teen years I had to change it into - you need to suffer the consequences of your actions eg. If DD doesn't get up to receive a parcel, DD goes through the hassel to get it later. Or if it is raining and DD didn't wear appropriate clothes to school, SHE is going to get wet NOT picked up.

Then as a one off, you may help out, and they might be grateful 😁.

This is what their lives look like when they move out and they learn that quickly. This is not to be seen as a punishment, but as an 'i know you are capable of being responsible for you own actions' thing.

Hope this makes some sense.

hi just a query how often does your teen (15) (14) are ages of my two girls go out with friends. I Let my 14 year old go out if someones birthday or midterm or to disco in town and she says this is unfair that her sister 15 nearly 16 gets out 2 nights at weekend she normally just gets food with friends and watches a movie at bf's house and home at 10 or 11 and she goes one day after school to his house and home at 8pm she also meets him on a Monday when she at singing lessons.

Not butting in at all Tickling always grateful for advice in fact! I normally do run with natural consequences but need to be a lot more consistent about it though.

Mcmen I would stick to your guns for the younger one. We have exactly the same regime here and I think there is quite a big difference emotionally between a 14 he old and a nearly 16 yr old.

All ok here at the moment touch wood! DD revising and God's have been kind to her because parcel arriving this afternoon!

Have a good week everyone!

Have name changed for this in case anyone recognises my DS behaviour!!

I can identify with so much of what pp here have said unfortunately, except DS is just 12, not a teen. He has changed from a relatively happy, although still hard work, child, into nothing short of a monster. In the space of a few short months.

He is utterly vile to us, bordering on aggression. He hates us all (me, DH, younger brother), and wishes we were dead (probably not true, hopefully). He swears constantly, is only interested in his friends, is incredibly arrogant. Of course, his new secondary school friends are up till stupid o'clock on group chats, which really doesn't help.

He's become a snarling demon, and I walk on tiptoes around him (as does his brother).

His Dad is constantly stressed and depressed. I asked him just now why he looked so miserable and he said 'it's nearly time for DS1 to come home'.

It can't express enough just how miserable our household is due to a 12 year old. 12!!!!! FFS! Can't imagine the next few years, I'm trying desperately not to.

Sending empathy and to anyone else going through this hell, and thank you for starting the thread, makes me feel less alone.

pegs the way my psychologist described adult to adult is the way in which we, as adults, will behave around our friends / colleagues / shop staff / any other adult really!

So I guess eventually we will treat our teens as adults when they do reach adulthood but at this stage we've to definitely treat them as the children they are.

I'm really shit at explaining stuff tbh. Hope I didn't come across as patronising with my (super detailed ) posts on the Adult Child thingy!! It suddenly came back to me last night and I remembered that - in some circumstances - I found it helpful.

And yep, no doubt I'll be back here in tears at something my DD has said or done to make me feel utterly hopeless. I'm just clinging on to this tiny glimmer of normality while it lasts. And I suspect it won't be for long!

To the above poster (can't see who at the moment as on app). My DD was definitely younger than a teen when her shitty behaviour started. I can remember her pushing me on a family holiday when she was 10. I went head first over the side of a low wall and only narrowly escaped landing smack bang on my head because my dress got caught in the thorns in the bush. It was a strapless maxi dress which unfortunately slid down under my boobs when it got caught, and I was basically dangling upside down with the ground inches from my head. Fucking ridiculous tbh!!! So yes it's totally believable that your household is turned upside down and walking on eggshells by a not-even-teen-yet. My DD was vile at times but when about 12yo hot she too turned demonic

tickling I love your way of thinking. Makes total sense that they should suffer the consequences of their actions or non actions. I'm going to try that! Thank you

Thanks Daintytoes it's really helpful - not patronising at all.

I am still being really thick about it though - sorry

I understand what "adult to adult" is, but I still don't understand why it's such a bad thing ifyswim. Don't we want teens to step in to "adult" mode ultimately? I know this is referring to disputes but even then, I would have thought not always being in "parent" mode would be good occasionally but iirc, you said in earlier post pysch advised never to step down from parent to adult I think! I thought different circumstances (and varying moods of teen concerned) would require different "modes" of response ifyswim? Sorry for all the qs!

Welcome to the thread QuickNchange! Sorry you are having to contend with such stress ATM though. I guess this sort of thing can strike different DC at different ages. Hopefully it will mean you are "through the tunnel" and out the other side quicker? In the meantime , stick with us here! . Do you take his phone away at night btw?

Daintytoes sorry just read the para about your fall! Hope no long term ill effects and that your dd was suitably remorseful!

peg that's ok you're not being dumb I think what is meant is that the model is to be used when in conflict, not all the time iyswim? So when they're behaving like arseholes there's no point in trying to treat them like Adult to Adult as it won't work. You gotta speak to them as Parent to Child.

They'll obviously reach a certain age where you can't scold them, and there will be situations where this obv doesn't work like in dangerous circumstances (like the poster earlier talking about what happened in the car). And speaking Adult to Adult is the way to go. But at this age (I think average ages of all ours is 13-16) then Parent to Child is appropriate. A lot of parents want to be their child's friend. I want to be my DDs friend but in my case it doesn't work as if I give an inch she'll take a mile.

Oh god I'm not good at explaining this!!! maybe this is where I'm going wrong!!

No lasting damage from the push / fall. My DH untangled me from the thorn bush and helped lift me down but my dress was ripped DD didn't really show much remorse at the time and even said afterwards that she didn't see the big deal as she didn't MEAN for me to go head first when she pushed me. If I've ever mentioned it again she reminds me it was aaaaages ago. So I'm a nutshell she's never really given a shit tbh!

Oh I'm sorry dainty, glad you were alright. Couldn't help but imagining you hanging upside-down though 😁.
My DD still does the 'but that was aages ago' thing. It is as if she sees those years as if it was not her, but something i moan about from a different lifetime with another person 😕.

Right I'm sitting in my cold car for 3 hours waiting for DD while she is at training and thought I'd update you.

A fucking miracle has happened!!

Since parents evening she has been amazing! My ex didn't pay maintenance this week so I've had to work about 50 hours in total this week to cover the shortfall. I've been leaving the house at 5am then coming back taking DCs to their "stuff". Worked all weekend and had to miss a comp DD was in.

She won ... just saying ;)

Anyway when I've come home from work the house is sparking, washing done, kitchen tidied!! She's pleasant and has been biting her tongue, as I'm exhausted and grumpy.

This is the girl who last year kicked me in the head when I was driving, and had physically attacked me in the supermarket!! That was awful, I told her the consequences if she ever laid her hand in me again!

Anyway it's only been 4 days so I'm not cracking th champagne open yet!

But fellow PoTs I feel I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and it ain't a train coming to run me over!

If she gets into the Olympics in 2024, I swear I'll wear some sort of MNet/PoTs Tshirt in thanks for helping me through this!

Daintytoes on the contrary you've explained it very well. You'll be relieved to hear I think I finally get it! Tbh, I've never understood that "my child is my best friend" thing. But it's a difficult balance between that and not being overly strict like our parents. And when we are second guessing ourselves and DC are accusing us of being overly harsh and terrible parents, it's good to have the reassurance of a trained HCP saying "it's ok you need to hold the line here" so thanks again!

Poor you wrt the fall . I think it takes a while before the teen brain knits itself the bit that develops the capacity to sympathise!

Ticklingcheese

TheGodmother Yay! That's brilliant news! I'll be looking out for that t- shirt through my binoculars come Olympics 2024! . Bloomin' well done to your DD! And you deserve a ruddy great gold medal too for everything you do for her!

tickling yes it was a sight to behold! Spanx and strapless bra on show while hanging upside down!! just as well it was back when I had a figure, look like a potato now!!!

godmother keeping everything crossed for you that the good days continue for you, you deserved a reprieve!