Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Nakedscientist

That's a lot to handle all at once Rosemartha

Well, I've had a tough few years with DS16. Last year was the worst - it was really affecting my MH.

But more recently I've thought, well, we're starting to turn a corner! However, we've just had a furious argument tonight, in which I ended up swearing and he called me some horrible names. He can sometimes be genuinely pleasant to be around; but seems to be unable to control his feelings, aggression, moods and opinions.

His GCSEs will be over in a few months, so I'm biting my tongue a little and biding my time. Luckily he is staying in his room mostly studying which helps, and I go out when I can.

But once the GCSEs are over, there's gonna be some real reckonings if he continues in this vein.

At the end of the day I'm not living with an abusive little arse, whether he's 16 or 56.

to all

naked "I value my time in bed" 😂😂😂 that's made my night!!!

Evening all. Well my DS (16) decided to go to school today, thank goodness...Maybe it was having his Gran to babysit yesterday that did it?!
In an attempt to get his PS4 and TV remote back he agreed to do some revision this evening. I said he could have them back for the same amount of time as he did his revision. (40 minutes) This was his response: "how can you think this will make me do work you have no idea how to parent your children"
Nice..
Meanwhile my sister (childless) has told me to take his phone off him and take it to the police so that they can find out if he's drug trafficking. AIBU telling her to leave me alone??

bucking lots of for you. That does sound really really hard. For all that I get so mad with DD and she pushes me to my absolute limit (and I do mean my limit) I can't imagine a life without her in it.

I hope and pray your DS doesn't continue this and will stop being so stubborn about it all. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of it all but I'm NC with my mum but for very good reason, hideous reasons tbh. My DD (who doesn't know the full reason) has shouted at me "No wonder your own mum doesn't even love you". Awful.
But as you say, your DD and ex(?) have backed you up and said it's not your fault at all. Like I've said I don't know what has led to this situation but for 2 people who do know what's happened to be telling you that you've not to blame yourself...please listen I'm blabbering on now I think. I'm keeping all fingers and toes crossed that he snaps out of all this.

Well tonight DD is at her Dad's for a little unexpected sleepover. As predicted she phoned me at work from the house phone (or The Brick as she calls it!!) she was sobbing and practically hyperventilating down the phone as I still hadn't returned her mobile phone honestly, they're just so caught up in these bloody mobiles aren't they?!

Have just got word that my ex is taking DD away in the summer!! For the first time in 4 years (and only the 2nd time since we split 10 years ago) I'm gobsmacked and also crazily excited at the thought of a little sunny relaxation holiday with DH while she is away. She's absolutely ruined all our holidays abroad and Uk trips for the last 4-5 years with her whining, moods, rages, cheek, refusal to do anything that resembles family holiday fun. So I'll be having a little look online for inspiration. We're also planning on going to Donegal nearer the end of the school summer holidays to visit my DH's family. There's other teens in the family over there so that takes a bit of the heat off and keeps her mildly amused. Although she tends to go in to smart ass mode when with them

Next year it's her grandpas landmark birthday so she'll be going away with all that side of the family on holiday to celebrate. And then the year after that is apparently her 6th year holiday she'll be almost 18 and they all go away after their final school exams. And then after that I don't know if we'll have another proper family holiday away with her? Was speaking to someone in work and she said that once she gets to about 21/22 she'll want to come away with us again as that's what she and all her friends done. Then she added, for a free holiday. (She's 27. No kids).

How does everyone else get on with going away on holiday with teens? Especially if they're an only child or large age gap etc? Mine has been bored stiff last couple of years and caused havoc for giggles I think.

mild I love your way of thinking with earning the same amount of time back! Will adopt this method!
Yes I've had practically the same response from DD. She loves to critique my parenting skills and of course everyone else's parents are ALWAYS so much better, and cooler, and not as strict or more sane!!!!
My most used phrase is probably "I don't care about what X Y or Z does. I'm only interested in you / us / what happens in this house". I'm pretty certain her friends parents are ripping their hair out too, as we speak!

I mean this in the nicest possible way but this thread has really cheered me up...knowing I'm not the only one has done wonders for me and my confidence with regards to my parenting.

Thanks billybagpuss "would you like to read that back....." I'll use that next time

So pleased for your sunshine moment Obviouslynotallthere - it's so lovely when their true selves reappear eh

BigSandyBalls2015 - like you, I do shield the DGPs from DD's shitty behaviour. I can't talk to my DM about it at all as she has a brain injury and has so many of her own struggles to face. I did try talking to my MIL a bit, but it's clear she'd rather not know, which is probably for the best really

Well done with your family meeting nakedscientist . We tried a family meeting recently and I think a spoon would've been useful to stop us talking over each other (or for hitting myself over the head in frustration as DH and DD talked over each other ).

Glad to have given you a laugh TheGodmother and pleased to report you have returned the favour with your 2-yearly foot massage and family film nights . If we can't laugh about it all sometimes, we really are up shit creek! I was there on Monday (after 2 hrs of screaming abuse from DD) and have no wish to go back again any time soon! However, after reading about your family film nights, and those of Pegsinarow and nakedscientist I no longer feel sad that ours have been postponed until further notice

Pmsl at the text messages too naked scientist "was just swearing" and "it's literally in the calendar". Why are teens love the word "literally" so much?

Loving this thread and so happy to have found all you wonderful, supportive mums and for everyone (I'm trying to save the and the for the weekend

@Pegsinarow you are an absolute angel.

@daintytoes are you sure you haven’t kidnapped my dd? She has uttered every one of those lines at me including my friends only pretend to like me!

Aw, so pleased you'll be getting a relaxing summer hol this year daintytoes. Fingers crossed there's safety in numbers for your Donegal trip too

We came home early from our summer hol last year (UK staycation) as DD's behaviour and attitude were so bad . We'd let her bring a friend too, thinking that would keep her happy, but it just ended up doubly embarrassing.

No plans for a family hol for this year yet. Definitely not a hotel though. We stayed overnight in a hotel family room for a family wedding last year and I'm surprised all 3 of us came out alive! Never, ever again!!

I am taking DD to London for a few days next week though (DH will be glad for the peace I'm sure!), so wish me luck!

It’s like you are all living my life! 2:30 am and the adrenaline from my son’s bedtime torrent of rage (no reason ) is still waking me up. He’s 13, he refuses to be told anything and turns swearing at us at the slightest thing wrong. It’s so corrosive and yes, just like an abusive relationship- I am always trying to please him and getting yelled at again. Didn’t think this was what unconditional parenting was meant to be like :(

Good morning all! Hope everyone is ok and game for another one!
Tin hats on everybody!

Only brief replies this morning as I am off on a day trip shortly but just wanted to say really happy this thread is proving useful for everyone (me included). A problem shared and all of that!

And yy to holiday horrors! DD ruined last Easter holiday by procrastinating over a hwk project, then putting us all through the mill when she had to actually sit down and work like the clappers to get it done. We are heading for exactly the same scenario this Easter despite me having discussed this with her and issued regular doom laden warnings for the past couple of months [sigh].

Think some protective mechanism in my brain is stopping me thinking about the summer yet!

Mixedcolours I think we all can all identify with tiptoeing around our teens at exam time! I am definitely guilty of that. That argument sounds stressful. I guess progress isn't ever linear; hopefully though the general direction of travel is positive!

Midlifemumofteens YANBU

Xeroxarama hope you got some sleep eventually!

Staywithmemyblood good luck! You can always post on here from London if you need to vent!

Strawberrisc thank you kindly but you might change your mind if you saw me in full teen rant mode

Daintytoes whey hey to the prospect of a bit of a well deserved break (for you) this summer. It sounds so awful saying it but dd is is going away on a school trip after Easter and I am looking forward to the respite!

Again, hope I haven't missed anyone! Have a good day everybody!

@Pegsinarow have a bloody marvellous day! 🥰

"U know it was ur fault cos u woke me up. Just get it right next time please Im so tired, my time in bed is valuable."
"wasn't swearing at you"
'was just swearing"

God I’ve had this so many times, how can they not see that when you’re in the line of fire, of course they’re swearing at you.

Having said that I do genuinely believe it is their own anxiety coming out. Dd2 now (20) still runs around the house late like a tornado of stress and I’ve just started sidestepping and ignoring it but it’s what I have to do to stay sane.

For years she would tell me I was imagining her bad attitude if I was trying to get her to do something or I wasn’t doing what she wanted me to. She acknowledged last week that in her head when she’s at work she gets pissed off when people don’t do what they should be, but she thought she hid it well, then someone said something that made her question whether she really was. I said very little but did say that she didn’t always hide it very well. It was cool you could see the realisation hitting her.

That first bit was a quote from @naked but I seem to be an idiot when it comes to bolding

Have a great day @pegs

And thank you ladies I feel a bit of a fraud being on this thread but I felt so weak and broken by the last few years you guys are helping me recover and put it into perspective.

💐🍷 and whatever else you need to every one to get through this.

Hi all, Unfortunately I am a member of this club too.

Teen Dd 14 absconds regularly from school and home so we have a never ending series of police and social workers on the go. She usually turns up drunk or just phones looking picked up.

I just don't understand what is going on with her.

for everyone.

Hi somewhere gosh that sounds awful, I genuinely don't know how I'd cope if DD was absconding all over the place. How do you cope with it? What are the police and social workers saying? I guess there's not much they can say or do as you can't keep her chained to a radiator.

Lots of and for you.

Well I've had a lovely stress free morning as DD spent the night at her dads house.

Was able to get ready for work without her trying to tip me out of my dressing table chair coz she NEEDS to use my straighteners (and unplugging them and taking them to her own room is just soooo much hard work). And god forbid that mammoth task makes her late. Who cares if I miss my train coz I've waited for her to finish faffing about at MY mirror!!!

No rummaging through my drawers for tights which she'll get ladders and holes in.

No screaming at me and saying it's all my fault because her makeup didn't quite work out (however she still looks like a supermodel with beautiful skin and immaculate makeup!!)

No shouting "make me a coffee and toast" through her bedroom door instead of saying "good morning" back to me.

Anyway, good luck and may the force be with you all today

Thank you for starting this thread.

I've got a 13 year old who is causing me so much anxiety at the moment and I'm going through the menopause so I feel constantly on the verge of tears.

My DS is adopted and I'm finding it so difficult. I confided to my husband that I sometimes feel like running away. That makes me feel so guilty as DS needs to know I'll be there for him whatever happens.

I've only read part of the thread but I can see it's going to be very helpful.

Going to read it all through and try not to cry at all of your stories of "terrible teens"

I'm just about struggling through to the end of GCSEs, by trying to detach a bit I guess.

But can I cope for another 2 years ("A" levels, etc)? How do other people look forward without a sense of how can I last? Or is it "one day at a time"?

Also, do you live in smaller home e.g. cramped flat like myself and son? I think if I/we lived in a large maisonette or house it would be easier.

Hi @Mixedcolours hope you're doing ok.

Keep trying to detach, sometimes it can be the only way, I know it goes against mothers instinct to not try and help and fix things and have it thrown back in your face every time but you need to look after you.

It was a bit different for us but I do think the run up to GCSE's are awful, they've had constant hassle and stress for 2 years especially at this time of year as things are at the most intense for them, its like waiting for the party to start once they get started its a bit easier. You should also try and decide about afterwards, would they be better sleeping for 3 months or do they need something like NCS to keep them busy.

Year 12 can go either way, its hard and very different. We had alot of problems in Y12 but once thats out the way Y13 is much better as they have so many other things to take their attention.

We live in a larger house, 4 bed, I think a smaller home it would have been so much harder so I do feel for you

I've found my tribe, can I please join you? I've a 14 year old DD diagnosed recently with ADHD. DD takes most of my time and energy not to mention my nerves. She will not do a thing she's asked, has major meltdowns, lashes out and breaks things, everything is my fault. She is so rude, roars and swears at us, constantly fights with her siblings. I can identify with you all and I'm so glad that this thread exists. I felt so alone for so long.

Evening all. Have just breathed a sigh of relief as I have a bit of time to myself. My DD has been having MH problems for 2 years (self harming and diagnosed with anxiety & depression) and I can honestly say that it has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. I deal with the stress by eating too much and have put on 2 stone, which then makes me feel rubbish. DD has missed so much school and is now about to start GCSE's. We lurch from day to day in a fog. Anyway, thank you to you Peg for starting this up. I'm sure we can put up with a lot if we know that we are not alone...

This thread is really helpful makes me feel my girl is not as bad as I think we have battles about who she going to meet I always like to see who my kids are meet up with as one of them was assaulted at school and principal turned it on me you dont even know who your kids hang around with this really affected me and im now on tablets for stress and bloodpressure Im always trying to see where she is on her snapchat map but can never get an acruate read she is at home now and map is saying she is in town so we argue about things that are not really her fault

Tried to be positive today and ignore the hateful comments like 'no one loves you, so shut up' and 'you're useless' or 'you're a dumbo'. The latter two used if I do not do a request to their ideal of perfect. Eg their hair or their tie. And the swearing under their breath at me when they are asked to do something like get ready for bed or turn the tv off.