Is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh?

[Pegsinarow]

I'm going through what feels like hell with one of my teen's atm.

Today she has told me that I'm a failure, that she hates me, that she wishes I was dead. The expression on her face was really hateful when she said it.

Normally I can shrug this off as "usual" teen angst. I was even advising my friend the other month about not taking this sort of stuff too personally.

But I am really struggling too now. Partly I suppose because my confidence isn't great anyway owing to the menopause.

Sorry if this sounds too "woe is me" but I just feel really crap atm.

Anyone else?

Lovely dd free morning, then parents' evening where I was told all about my quiet, polite and hardworking girl. Delightful was even used by several different teachers. Fucking delightful!

I got them to check we were talking about the same girl. Came home and I suggested we watch Married at First Sight together. I don't watch TV but had read on MN it was quite good.

So we watched tv together and I did the obligatory foot massage and SHOCK she left her feet on my lap when I'd finished. She is now asleep in bed beside me .....

All quiet and calm in the The Godmother household. Well except DS who has that 15 years old first love, on/off relationship which is currently off .... the drama!

Night parents of teens! PoTs!!! Hahaha

Night PoTs!

Our motto: Tomorrow is another day

Absolutely fantastic thread and so relatable thank you. It's nice to see that my teen is kind of behaving normally, well not normally but maybe age appropriate and very similar to others. I thought the early years were difficult but give me a newborn over a teenager any day.

Hi @mcmen hope you’re ok.

I take it the teen you’re having issues with isn’t the one that was assaulted? If you’re going to get through the next few years you probably need to ease up a bit. Checking the phone is very controlling especially if the bit you’re checking isn’t accurate enough, that’s not worth falling out over and if it’s a different teen she’s going to be resentful that she’s being judged by what happened to her sibling.

It’s so hard as all we want to do is keep them safe. 💐

Who remembers the conversation you had years ago. In love with your DP ‘shall we have kids darling?’ I never agreed to this, I never agreed to anything older than a 5 year old. What went wrong?

Good morning Po Ts! . (Love our new moniker Nakedscientist! )

Thank you for the good wishes re: my trip yesterday. I had a thoroughly good time! . I would encourage everyone in our situation to try and take some time out for a bit, if at all possible.

I did receive a txt from DD just before last two school periods saying she felt ill and was thinking of coming home and instead of replying as I normally would, strongly encouraging her to stay at school (the context being that she has been trying it on quite a bit recently) I replied extremely sympathetically saying that it was rotten luck her feeling ill and I'm sure she'd make an appropriate decision. And blow me - it worked - and she came home at the usual time having not missed any lessons!! .

Mind you, she's gone off to school this morning in a terrible grump, complaining of bad period pain unfortunately, so we'll see how long she lasts there today (fingers crossed).

Support from this thread is definitely helping me stay calmer about things though - so thank you everyone! It really is great being able to share current woes.

Great to see so many newcomers to the thread too! What stands out from the majority of your posts is the the really awful impact your teen's behaviour is having on you . Huge sympathies to all of you who are going through it .

Somewhereovertheroad that sounds extremely stressful indeed. As Daintytoes says, you can't keep them chained down so can only do the best you can do. Hang n there

Parsley65 and Markingplace So sorry you are both going through such a crap time. There's nothing in the world so stressful as a parent as seeing your child struggle mentally or physically. It really takes it out of you so try (if you possibly can) to take care of yourselves .

Angelwithsilverwings hats off to you. Parenting a teen is hard enough without the added complex dynamics that I imagine come with adoption. You are doing an amazing thing.

I feel the same Whippet75 I really enjoyed the baby and infant years!

I'm really sorry to hear that one of your DC was assaulted McMen and that the school weren't supportive. What an awful thing for the Principal to say! Sorry this is all having such a detrimental affect on your health too.

Like Parsley I have put on weight through stress eating and am on beta blockers for palpitations so I really "get" what everyone is going through.

Mixedcolours I also find myself counting the years and thinking "I can't do it" and sometimes (if I'm really honest) "I don't what to do it" but I think, as you say, the only way to get through is day by day. It's hard.

Mixedcolours & Rosemartha I think detaching a bit and ignoring are both sound strategies when we find ourselves in (literally!) viscious cycles!

Mixedcolours I hope it will be a comfort to know that we live in quite a big house and things are still hideous

Billybagpuss you are not a fraud at all on here and anyway we need the benefit of your experience! I also look badly fondly at the times when all we had to worry about was play doh! Seems like a lifetime ago!

Great to hear you have enjoyed some well deserved respite Daintytoes !

Sorry TheGodmother but I had to cackle a bit at the parents evening scenario! Great to hear things are quiet and calm atm!

Again, really sorry if I have missed anyone out. I think it is really important when you are going through this sort of stuff to feel "heard" otherwise you think you are slowly going mad ...and going mad alone! Which, as we now know, is not the case at all!

As Daintytoes said, may the force be with you today everyone! Have a good one!

look back fondly!

What irritates me is my previous lack of understanding. I work in a school and I used to sit in meetings with parents like us and think “I would do this/I would do that in your situation”.

Turns out that with some kids if you turn off the wifi they genuinely threaten suicide. If you say they can’t go to a party they escape off the roof. If you remove everything from them they literally just sleep for 24 hours and your heart is in your mouth every time you check on them. I hope so much that we can get back where we were because right now I just don’t lnow what to do.

Good morning PoTs, love the name. My short term memory is in a fog at the moment so please excuse me not referring to everyone by name, I'll have to get a notebook so I can reply to each of you.

It's amazing so many are really affected by our teens, it's like we are on edge all the time and we are going through trauma that's never ending, our teens have absolutely no understanding of the impact it has. I'm on anti anxiety meds and had to up them last week. I'm constantly getting calls from the school and my heart jumps into my mouth when the phone rings. I had a meeting last week and the resource teacher now realises that constantly being negative with our DD doesn't work, it makes her more defiant, we told them this last year in a meeting. The homework was causing major meltdowns and I explained this to the resource teacher, she was a great help and she told me to just sign the notebook and tick if she has done it or not and that we will try to get DD into a more positive place. I'm beyond grateful to her for her support.

I think what a lot of you are saying is so true, we have to ignore and detach from a lot of it, I saw a think on FB the other day about how others treatment of you is not a reflection of you but a reflection of the internal struggle of that person, it really stuck with me because it reflects what's going on with our teens.

It is just so good to have the support here, we all felt so awfully isolated as unless you are going through it no-one understands and it's a very lonely place to be.

It's a beautiful day here, the sun is shining, I hope you all have a great day and the sun brings out the best in our teens!! ☀️

Strawberrisc I think the utter helplessness we all feel at times is one of the scariest things about parenting a teen tbh. When they were younger, we could usually sort out one solution or another, or if that didn't work, jolly them out of it.

But with teens you have to factor in an individual will that is as big or strong (even stronger sometimes) than an adult's and is extremely volatile with it. I would liken it to a caged lion that only needs the slightest provocation to set it off!

No one can possibly know how difficult and wearing it is until you experience it in your own family. And sometimes when you have done all you can possibly do to help and reached your own limits, and brought in outside support, I imagine the only thing left sometimes is to hang in there and try and keep loving them, difficult though that is. Coming to the realisation, in certain circumstances that we can't do anymore - and now it's down to them - is hugely scary I think.

I suppose the only consolation is the recognition that they need that strong will to direct them out of the home in order to become a fully functioning adult. Without it, they'd be forever stuck in childhood. But it's a very dicey time while they transition.

Pegsinarow, can I call you Pegs? , thank you so much for setting up this thread, I'm a long time lurker on Mumsnet and this is the first thread that I know I'll be a part of, you really have stared something amazing. Thank you for your lovely comment, I really appreciate it. 💐

X post markingplace I hope you have a great day too! Good to hear that your dd's resource teacher has found an approach that works and is providing the right support (finally!). Really good re: hwk too. Yes indeed, the internal struggles of others have a lot to answer for in my household atm

X posts again Markingplace Thank you and Pegs is good!
Great this thread is proving helpful. It's really helping me too!

www.theguardian.com/uk/2006/nov/12/politics.theobserver

This article may be helpful.

Strawberries, you have got it in a nutshell, some kids absolutely become more defiant, consequences don't work, it just fuels the flames, it's such a delicate balance and goes against all we think we should do. It's unchartered waters for us all.

We are waiting for a psychologist for our daughter there is a waiting list even though we are going privately as there is just no help to be had in the public system. I can't wait until we get there as we need someone who knows how to deal with this and can find ways of helping our daughter.

I was at a meeting yesterday with the ADHD support charity and the one thing they said that I took with me is that consequences as much as possible should be natural, they should be small and instant. Other things I have learned of that there is a curve of escalation, once it goes to far, its meltdown mode and it can't be recovered, it's about trying to stop it in the early stages. This is all great in theory but doesn't always work in real life. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we need a tool bag of different things we try and see what works at the time and remember it's not about us at all really!! Easier said than done!

Thanks Pegs.

This is the quote I was referring to. I don't know how graceful we can be in our situations but the first bit is brilliant.

I also love the teenager rope story that was posted and the bit that stood out for me was "shadow is not bigger than the light".

Markingplace Y Y to counter-intuitive thinking. Hope pyschologist proves helpful!

Thank you Coronapop v helpful. The point about preparing strategies and boundaries in advance is a good one I think when you are in the midst of a fall out.

Eek to last sentence though

[Last sentence in article I meant, not your quote Marking!]

lPegs, lol re last sentence on the article and not the quote, the thing is it's bloody hard to be graceful!

Regarding the last sentence in the article (In my fantasy world of escapism) I'm hoping that when our kids brains mature, they will realise that Mom was right a lot of the time during the battles! I know my Mom was so maybe it's not a complete fantasy.

I do think it's the uncertainty that causes a lot of stress, if we knew that we just have to get through this and our kids would turn out ok then we wouldn't be so worried all the time as to where it's going to end.

Thank you OP for acknowledging. Last sentence is sadly true as I have discovered. I keep reminding DCs of all the holidays and things we did when they were younger to try and counteract it!

Yes strawberries I am a little less judgmental of parents these days .

I think one of the problems I have is that as a parent I am always meant to be a saint the bigger person. One reason I dislike modern psychological approaches like that contained in feted book "Get Out of My Life but first take me and Alex into Town" is because parents are reduced to virtually emotional punch-bags who have to suck up the disrespect, no matter how abusive. However, one thing, in fact the only thing really that I did agree with about the book is that it is a way for teenagers to separate from parents, so I take some comfort in that, as its certainly working .

I agree with whoever mentioned "escalation" being the problem, but I often feel powerless to do anything about it (even though in my normal everyday life I'm a fairly calm and rational person). My son just gets so provocative, argumentative and hostile at times that before I know it, we are engaged in a shouting match and insults are being exchanged. Over the last couple of days I've told him to F off a few times, not proud of it but its a kind of self-defence almost. He's called me a C, a B, a racist, mentally ill, etc etc. I think thats probably the worst its gone, and I am finding those insults unforgivable, at least at the moment (though we have had similar rows in the past and have made up he's never called me a C or a racist before, or quite so many insults all in one go, thats a new low. He's really telling me to "get lost" and "get off his case" in the only way he knows how I suppose.

Its very sad really though, and its even sadder to read in the Guardian article that my son will remember his teenage years (and no doubt our arguments) so much.

I'm just going to try and stay quiet, and disengaged. But deep down I'm concerned. I already have a chronic illness, and this is making things worse.

This latest big row has really made me rather frightened to ask him to do anything, which is something that must not be left unchecked. I will have to still ask him to clear up after himself in the kitchen sometimes. If he doesn't there's nothing I can do. But it will damage our relationship permanently and he will definitely have to leave when he's 18 in that case (18 months away).

Anyway, must stop typing!

I hope everyone's OK and there may be some bright spots or better things over Easter.

xx

p.s. I do think ADHD muddies the water a bit too. I think my son has possibly mild aspects of this. So I know some things he can't help. Its all such a struggle.

This has been a good thread to read at the right time for me. We have 4 children 18, 17, 14 and nearly 13 and oh what a good idea having them close was when they were little but now it's so bloody hard. Somebody always seems to be in a bad mood and generally it's aimed at me. I have even got to the point that I think it would be easier if I left. Their father seems to never do anything wrong.

This latest big row has really made me rather frightened to ask him to do anything

I've been feeling like that for years and the state of my kitchen now confirms it

and @chaplin I've felt like that many times too and often driven off because I wasn't ready to go into the house yet, I even sat on the drive for a good 45 mins once because I just couldn't face it unfortunately they noticed me eventually.