14yr dd - i've just found drugs in her room

[ihatedrugs]

I have just found 15 tablets hidden in dd's room. She had a party last weekend and one boy smuggled in ecstasy, and proceeded to hand it out like smarties. There was also weed, NOS balloons, alcohol and cigarettes. I'm presuming they have come from him, but can't be sure.

Never again!! I am gutted that this happened in my house and can't believe how many of dd's friends seem to partake in all this shit. They are only 14 ffs.

However, I have just had a look in dd's room and found these pills, which smell like weed tbh (but I don't know if weed comes in tablet form). Last time I snooped in her room and confronted her with something I found, she didn't come home for 4 days.

I feel sick and so, so scared of telling her I've looked again but after the party, and just her general behaviour, I felt I had to.

To all of you who think your dc would never do this shit, don't necessarily believe it! There were kids there who I would never have thought would.

I know I need to confront her but I feel sick

How did you do a drug test on her op?

I don’t think you are a bad mom, but I think considering everything you have said about your daughter and her fragile mental health, you need to re-examine your approach to drugs and alcohol.
You had a very lucky escape, thank god none of the 14yr olds were seriously ill.
Your daughter needs to see a doctor and you need to talk to her school and her about the drug use amongst this friendship group.

They could be Xanax or pregabalin.

This is harsh but an ex neighbour, thank god not directly used to let her teens have parties like this, her daughters friends used her because they knew her mum was lax and as her daughter had no boundaries, was disliked by other parents and was used she self harmed and had terrible anxiety, she saw other parents not allowing this and once the ‘cool’ mum wore off she realised her mum left her to it and saw this as didn’t care.

She is now 20 and trying to catch up, the friends long since gone and the mum still doesn’t see her part in it all.

She had social services on her back and Police would be called.

Do you think you might need to step up?

I also have a 14 year old and confidently say she wouldn’t go to a party like this, doesn’t drink or do drugs and never do her friends, they are more interested in their future careers and much more studious than I ever was. In my experience it’s not normal.

Call the Police and inform school.
May seem drastic but even if you know what the drugs are you have no idea what has been added.
They could be fatal in the wrong hands.
She needs to learn a valuable lesson here and school should know then they can get the appropriate professionals to talk to the kids.

OP you mention DD's mental health and your concerns around that.
I've experienced self harm and mental health issues with my own DD.
Your priority needs to be communication and honesty on both sides.
You need to address her poor choice of friends and her self destructive behaviour.
Being the cool mum who allows a free for all just doesn't cut it.
I say this in the kindest way because what I have learnt is to look at my parenting, your DDS behaviour has not come out of nowhere. In my case I didn't see that DD was craving attention that I was putting into her sister and her needs. I had to learn to listen to what my DD (then 13) had to say with no judgment and to accept that for her to begin to recover i had to change too.
If this is genuine, your only way forward is compete honesty with your DD, sharing your flaws as well as her own.
Maybe you need to start a new thread to discuss your DD's self harming and MR difficulties.

Hi all,
We're just popping on to thank the people who reported their concerns, and to say that this poster has been with us for a very long time with a decent posting history.

You need to inform school who was at the party.
I'm not surprised your dd has mh issues, she isn't parented and allowed parties at 14. You appear to lack suitable boundaries for your dd, I hope ss become involved and give her the help she needs.
have you considered parenting classes?

She didn't drink actually. And I did a drugs test on her the next day which was clear

How did you do a drugs test that quick?

Hmmm not sure what kind of drugs test you were using there, OP.

Is your DD receiving support for her mental health issues? I would be very concerned if a child with a history of self harm was drinking heavily, taking drugs and stockpiling paracetamol. I think you need some professional support here.

What I meant was, if your DD is like that, how the hell did you get a urine sample off her?

Xanax pills? 'Fashionable' at the moment with young teens!

They are paracetamol.

And also, no teenage boy would be ‘giving out’ ecstasy he was dealing in your house while you were there, you need to up your disciplining me thinks

Maybe the OP's defensive responses to those stating the obvious shows that she's not completely unaware of her culpability in what happened.
Although I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, it's difficult to believe you have withheld the fact you are suspacious enough of her behaviour to do a drug test (I also would love to know which one you used) and being aware of her MH difficulties, that you still allowed your 14 you DD to host such a party.
Honest question, are you trying to over compensate, do you think if your DD is happy/popular her self esteem will rise, she won't cut?
Do you try and say 'no" to your daughter, does she rule the roost?
You've only given us a snap shot of your life in which you've demonstrated poor parenting.
Tell us more about you relationship with your daughter.

Perhaps a bit drivin yes.

I had the drugs tests already. As I said, she has dabbled in weed before so I was going to use them as a way of making sure she knows if she takes drugs, she may get caught. This is the first time I have used them.

I provided coke, lilt and bottles of water, plus crisps and nibbles. I told the parents dropping off there was no alcohol provided but couldn't say some wouldn't try to smuggle it in. Most laughed and said things along the lines of 'teenagers eh!'

She has had counselling but won't engage at present. School are aware of her mental health and watch her closely. She does talk to me and despite all the above, I think we have a good relationship. My lack of 'informing' about the party stuff possibly comes from a place of not wanting to lose that. I feel I have to manage my relationship with her and yes, this may make me weak.

1:5 14 yr old girls apparently self harms. Ds17 (who is coming out the other side thank god) tells me it is really common to smuggle in drink to parties.

She won't be having another party!!

OP you've had a bit of a pasting here, some from me earlier on! It sounds like the party went to hell in a handcart and should definitely not be repeated, but I think you know that. Teenagers can be really difficult and I completely get wanting to keep the lines of communication open rather than going in all guns blazing. Personally I think you maybe need to draw some firmer boundaries with your DD, but you have the best sense of her mental health and how she would respond to that.

@JeanPagett it's £10 a pill nowadays

I get the sense that many are doubting OP's story but nothing here seems out of the ordinary. Drugs (and not just weed) are as common place now with young teens as drinking cider was in my day.

Some people are very naive to this, but be naive at your peril if you are a parent.

I don't understand people posting to give the OP a hard time, that is not helpful and very judgemental.

That makes me feel old 

There's no way to ID a blank white pill other than testing it tbh. Could be OxyContin with the etching rubbed off.

But most unmarked pills are vitamin supplements...

Oh, those are paracetamol

Avocado. Thank you. That's how I feel. I've been through it with ds and at every party he's ever been to since aged 14 there has been copious amounts of alcohol, including spirits, smuggled in, or at least attempted to be.

Even he was shocked re the ecstasy tho.

The head of yr 10 just called me and they are going to tell the police and the girls parents and follow up the dealer.

I only wanted them to drink lilt!! 

OP I'm sorry you've had such a hard time on here. Some very judgemental people about and I was always taught "if you have nothing nice to say then stay quiet"

You clearly recognise you have made a mistake with the party and unfortunately it's kids these days that don't understand how serious drink and drugs are and that they ruin lives!

Mine are not at this age yet and I dread the day they are! No advice but just wanted to say I hope the talk goes well and remember the teenage years are only temporary.

Good luck xxx

Those aren’t ecstasy. And to the poster who said they’re normally round, they’re not. They come in myriad shapes and colours with various things printed on them. A party with a load of kids doing whole ecstasy pills would be complete carnage - pills today are strong! I had one recently that blew my head off after half and I’ve been doing pills 25 years or so

Despite my own recreational drug use I’d be gutted if I found my child in this situation. You really need to enforce that if she’s going to drink and try drugs then it’s drink or drugs, never both at the same time. And avoid weed - that shit ruins your mind.