14yr dd - i've just found drugs in her room

[ihatedrugs]

I have just found 15 tablets hidden in dd's room. She had a party last weekend and one boy smuggled in ecstasy, and proceeded to hand it out like smarties. There was also weed, NOS balloons, alcohol and cigarettes. I'm presuming they have come from him, but can't be sure.

Never again!! I am gutted that this happened in my house and can't believe how many of dd's friends seem to partake in all this shit. They are only 14 ffs.

However, I have just had a look in dd's room and found these pills, which smell like weed tbh (but I don't know if weed comes in tablet form). Last time I snooped in her room and confronted her with something I found, she didn't come home for 4 days.

I feel sick and so, so scared of telling her I've looked again but after the party, and just her general behaviour, I felt I had to.

To all of you who think your dc would never do this shit, don't necessarily believe it! There were kids there who I would never have thought would.

I know I need to confront her but I feel sick

It gets worse! A 14 year olds party resulting in empty bottles of gin and vodka? And you said you were supervising?
I cannot believe you are for real.
From where were you supervising?
I'm not saying this from a holier than though perspective, but really?
Is she your eldest? Do you have other DC?
Has she ever given you cause for concern in the past?
Do you know any of her friends?

I really don’t think those tablets are ecstasy!

They aren’t ecstasy. I would have thought they were aspirin or paracetamol.
Serious negligent parenting though if allowed that amount of alcohol to be consumed in one night whilst you were in other room. Alcohol is a dangerous enough substance for an adult let alone a 14yr old!

Are you sure it's not valerian

I’d bet money those tablets are not an illegal substance (although maybe they were sold to your daughter as one, teenagers aren’t the brightest sometimes).

I’d bet money those tablets are not an illegal substance (although maybe they were sold to your daughter as one, teenagers aren’t the brightest sometimes)

That's true. I was once sold a bag of mixed herbs as a teenager passed off as weed.
I pretended to be stoned because I was so cool. 🤣

Ok so now I also think they are paracetamol. Which is good. But also shit seeing as she self harms and has quite fragile mental health.

Well then you need to take her to the doctors. And stop facilitating her drinking alcohol

The party was a bad idea. I know. Trust me I know. As I said, never again.

I'm sure the parents of the dc that smuggled in the booze etc are also seriously negligent and totally naive to let them in the first place!

DD's best friends mum gave me a bottle of wine upon her arrival and thanked me for hosting a party. We briefly discussed alcohol consumption in teenagers and she promptly told me that her dd was quite innocent and not into any of that.

That would be the same girl I caught smoking, drinking and whose boyfriend it was that had given out the ecstasy then. Who may also have taken something else, who knows.

And yes, her mum does now know.

I was going to say codeine/paracetamol. Ecstasy is normally round with a print of something on.

I won't jump on you. My kids are grown now, and the teenage years were tough.

I don't facilitate her drinking alcohol at all.

You did facilitate her drinking, you facilitated all the drinking at your house.

You don’t just ‘give out’ drugs. He was dealing it, under your roof.

Is it absolutely necessary for people to be giving OP such a hard time? I think she understands the issues and has said she regrets the way the party developed. Lesson learnt.

But she has a DD with history of fragile mental health who is perhaps storing up Paracetamol. And she's clearly worried sick and needs advice and support.

It's not something I have experience of YET (can't promise that any of my DCs won't do ridiculously stupid stuff in the future) so not much help with practical advice but here for you. 

But you do OP- you are the parent, you need to take some responsibility. 40 teenagers (young teenagers at that) were in your house and drunk all that gin and vodka. Did you not look once to see what they were doing? There shouldn’t have been opportunity for that alcohol to be consumed on your property.
I understand you can’t search bags on arrival, but you can go and check on them and take anything away that they shouldn’t have. They didn’t drink that in 30mins. That’s a full nights unsupervised drinking. That’s wrong. As I have already said you are lucky none of the kids were hospitalised.

She didn't drink actually. And I did a drugs test on her the next day which was clear.

Yes, she has issues. She has dabbled in weed before now and self harms. She is not the only one by any stretch and from now on, my relationship with her and talking to her about all of the above is what counts.

the head of yr10 has also been given the name of the boy who I was told was giving it out. The girls told me his name, when they had come to let me know one of them was not very well.

I can’t quite believe OP was actually in the house. Or maybe there was an adults party going on too.

What do you mean you ‘did a drugs test on her’?

How do you have access to drugs testing?!

I don’t want to offen the OP, and I know teenagers are bloody hard work, but not accepting responsibility won’t help either. You are very quick to make comments about the other kids parents being naive and oblivious. What makes you think you aren’t any of those things?

Thanks mamamedic. This thread is supposed to be about the stash I've found in her room, not the party.

And Harriet please give over, I get the message.

OP, I think you need to sit her down and talk about this with her. Show her the articles of Leah Betts, explain it just takes one bad pill to kill. If she is holding onto these drugs for her friend then she needs to know that she would also be in serious trouble with the police if caught.
We were all kids ourselves once we all know that we used to drink and smoke under our parents noses. We all had friends with that house we knew we could drink and smoke at without the parents knowledge because we were sly.
Clearly OP you have trusted your daughter and her friends to respect you and your house and under your nose they have been up to no good.
I think now that she has lost your trust it needs to be earned back.
I also think discussing her self harm issues with her would be a good start to getting to the bottom of it all.
You have acknowledged everything other posters have said and I don't think you are a bad mother as has been implied. 💐

How do you know she wasn’t drinking?
You didn’t know about the canisters until the next day...
Your dd allowed you to drugs test her. 🤔
You have a very different approach to parenting than myself that’s for sure.

They could be paracetamol but a small chance they could be Xanax.
Go to your local police station with the pills, explain about the party and the boy.

I would be tempted to wait for your daughter to notice the pills are missing before speaking about it.

You said she has a history of self harming behaviour. Did she receive any support from mental health services?

I would speak to the school too.

northern - I do accept responsibility. Hence never doing it again. I am not naive and oblivious though, now I have seen it with my own eyes.

Harriet - I bought them off the internet - easy really

Allowing a 14yo with fragile mental health who self-harms to drink copious amounts of alcohol and take drugs, and hand hang out with kids who give out free ecstasy doesn’t sound wise to me.
The minute you realized what was going on you should have called the cops. A party shut down by the police and an ongoing investigation into drug suppliers might have saved some of them from thinking this was cool.
It might also have alerted parents who assumed their 14yo dd was going going to a naice house party supervised by three mums that they might want to be a bit more vigilant.
If I found out that any of my three teenagers had been given free drugs at your house, and that you knew full well that the case, and hadn’t reported it or told me, I would report you to the police myself.
They are not ‘all doing it.’

Grow up. I know you are worried about your dd. Ignoring illegal activities under your own roof and colluding to prevent children’s parents knowing is utterly despicable.