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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD's boyfriend "staying for a couple of days" - it's been three weeks and I can't afford him. What do I do?

129 replies

VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:03

DD (18 next week) boyfriend had a bust up with his parents and stormed out. DD asked if he could stay a couple of days and I said yes.

A couple of days turned into a week, which turned into two weeks, which is now nearly three weeks. There's no sign of him leaving or reconciling with his parents.

Back end of last week me and DP sat them both down and said if he's staying for a bit longer then he (or his parents) needs to start giving some money as we can't afford to just pay for an extra person in the house.

He said he'd ring his parents and get them to give some money. They refused. Then his mother called me and we had tense conversation about the situation which ended with her washing her hands of the whole thing (her words were "It's not my problem").

The boyfriend doesn't have a job (he's at college) so no income so he can't really pay his way. Apparently he can't get a job because his course is so intense (he does seem to have a lot of time at college) and he's trying to get into Oxford so needs to give it his full attention.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to kick the boy out because he's got nowhere to go (his mother's been clear he's not welcome back) but I can't afford to keep him.

DP's suggestion is to just not feed him or wash his clothes then the boy will have to find a solution. I don't know, that feels cruel and I worry that DD will suffer (e.g. splitting her dinner with him).

I feel we need to walk a fine line as well because DD is very ready to take her boyfriend's side. My worry is that we'll kick him out or he'll decide to leave and DD will go with him to live in a squat somewhere.

I'd be so grateful for any advice about this.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/10/2018 09:06

The onus is on your DD and her boyfriend to suggest a solution.
What are their suggestions?

BumbleBored · 16/10/2018 09:10

Tell him he HAS to get a job. Even if it's only a few hours a week as he can't live rent free.

If he chooses not to he will have to find accommodation elsewhere, which will be 10x as expensive.

No ifs or buts, those are his choices.

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:11

Well, the boyfriend has made some murmurings about getting a job around college but these don't feel particularly genuine. DD's worried that if he gets a job he won't get into Oxford so she's not keen on him getting a job.

DD herself hasn't come up with any suggestions.

I think they're both of the mindset that either (a) the situation will miraculously resolve and he'll go back to his parents or (b) worst case scenario, it's only for another year until the boyfriend goes off to university.

OP posts:
Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:12

@BumbleBored

That is kind of what I was trying to put across last week. I need to be more forthright about it next time we discuss it.

OP posts:
TheHobbitMum · 16/10/2018 09:14

As he's in education can't you claim child benefit for him? Add him to tax credit/UC claim if you have one? He may need to get a Saturday job for a few hours and just deal with it if nessasary, plenty of kids can manage college and a few hours work.

tenorladybeaker · 16/10/2018 09:14

Is the boyfriend under 18 or over?

tenorladybeaker · 16/10/2018 09:17

I think if you draw up a contract defining him as a lodger and charging him rent, he will then be able to claim housing benefit to pay you with:

www.nus.org.uk/en/advice/money-and-funding/can-i-claim-government-benefits-as-a-student/

Akire · 16/10/2018 09:17

If he is homeless then he needs to contact housing department and see about renting a room via housing benefit he should be entitled to some money to support himself. They can’t just ignore problem for another year if you can’t afford to pay the extra.

They must be some student support at college who can offer advise that may seem less stressful then more official routes to start.

If he really does think that the situation at home is so bad he rather sleep some hostel then he needs to get it sorted. Maybe when he sees alternatives going home might not see such bad option.

Tronkmanton · 16/10/2018 09:18

Probably not a very helpful comment sorry but how is going to afford to go to Oxford when he can’t support himself/have parental support now?

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:25

@Tronkmanton
Probably not a very helpful comment sorry but how is going to afford to go to Oxford when he can’t support himself/have parental support now?

His family is loaded and apparently he has some kind of trust fund/account to support him through university. It's his grandparents that are providing this money but they live abroad and are low contact with the boy's parents so he doesn't know how to contact them for help now.

The boyfriend is 17 at the moment, turning 18 in December.

@TheHobbitMum I'm not on UC/tax credit. I don't know if I can claim child benefit for him. I'm reluctant to because that means just giving up and admitting that he now lives here, which I don't really want to do.

@tenorladybeaker That's a really good idea, actually, thank you Grin

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 16/10/2018 09:27

I thought that if he is in FTE he will be eligable for Child Benefit until the end of the academic year he turns 18. If he is staying , claim it! He is not with his parents. Presumably you can claim if you claim any other benefits as well. Is it worth a chat with CAB? If you claim any benefit for him, I suggest you let his mother know.
If he is wanting Oxford his form should have been with UCAS yesterday- has he actually applied?
I think you should encourage him to apply for a job for a few hours at the weekend, athough these are not easy to get. If he goes to Uni he will probably need to get a job anyway so expereince helps.
Can the college assist with advice? They might be aware of sources of financial support and he may need support anyway if relationships with parents have broken down.

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:29

They must be some student support at college who can offer advise that may seem less stressful then more official routes to start.
I have no idea.

If he really does think that the situation at home is so bad he rather sleep some hostel then he needs to get it sorted. Maybe when he sees alternatives going home might not see such bad option.
To be honest, I don't think it is that bad. His family is a bit weird and dysfunctional but there's no abuse or neglect or anything. From what DD has told me they all just seem a bit over-dramatic and that's certainly what I got from speaking to his mother on the phone. I think they've had a massive row but they're all being too dramatic to just make up. I think the fact the boyfriend think he has a viable alternative in just living with us isn't helping!

OP posts:
TheHobbitMum · 16/10/2018 09:29

That's understandable OP I'd feel the same I think, I also love the idea of him being a lodger too. He has to pay his way somehow, he can't live for free anywhere so if the lodger plan doesn't work then either he or DD will have to get a job to bring some rent money in. He doesn't have the luxury of not working right now

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:30

Yes, he has applied to Oxford.

I'm really reluctant to start claiming any sort of benefits for him. I don't want it to be in any way "official" that he's living with me.
It feels like claiming benefits would officially make him my problem/responsibility and he's not!

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 16/10/2018 09:35

He needs to get in touch with his grandparents. You should be able to track them down? Are the British citizens? If so you should be able to trace them through their local consulate or embassy.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 16/10/2018 09:36

Give him a date that rent has to be paid or he moves out. It might force him to investigate the money sources mentioned above.

BatFacedOK · 16/10/2018 09:36

I'd be having more than a 'tense conversation' with his mother. It IS her problem and he needs to go back home - abusive violent situations excepted of course - but you make no mention of that

So id stop being soft and I'd be putting daily pressure on his mum and dad

flissfloss65 · 16/10/2018 09:37

He needs to speak to his college about financial help. There are bursaries for students. A friend of my dc left home in Year 11 and the school helped a lot with obtaining financial help for her.

Pebblesandfriends · 16/10/2018 09:37

It should be his parents doing the worrying not you! Maybe they are hoping you will kick him out so he has no choice but to go back home? I would tell him he can't stay more than another few weeks without rent and then take him to CAB and get them to go through his options with him. It may give him a wake up call. Either that or make him earn his keep by doing all the cooking/ cleaning. I'm sure if he used his initiative he could get hold of his grandparents number. I assume he still has a key?

flissfloss65 · 16/10/2018 09:39

*Year 12 not Yr 11

ArkeNOTen · 16/10/2018 09:44

He needs to speak to the gps! Has he not got a number/email/address? Get him to search past emails.

Miladymilord · 16/10/2018 09:46

His family is loaded and apparently he has some kind of trust fund/account to support him through university. It's his grandparents that are providing this money but they live abroad and are low contact with the boy's parents so he doesn't know how to contact them for help now

this sounds well shady

shelly0 · 16/10/2018 09:46

He really isn't your problem!
He needs to get a job and pay his way loads of other people do it, get a weekend job on Saturday & Sunday most of them are only 4-5 hour shifts plenty of time to study. He's nearly as adult it's really not your place to pay for him. I would be embarrassed if I was him and he begging my parents to let me back I wouldn't of expected my Bf mum to pay for me

ShalomJackie · 16/10/2018 09:46

Maybe his parents don't want to pay because they are actually waiting for him to apologise for whatever caused the row and go home?

Why has he flounced out? They may feel you are enabling a petulant teenager?

Perhaps if you say enough is enough off you go he will!

It is too much to expect your DD ro be an emotional crutch for him. I assume she should be getting on with her A levels too.

Miladymilord · 16/10/2018 09:47

Your poor dd. What a pita for her having to cope with all this bollocks during her final year.

He sounds annoying and immature.

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