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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD's boyfriend "staying for a couple of days" - it's been three weeks and I can't afford him. What do I do?

129 replies

VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:03

DD (18 next week) boyfriend had a bust up with his parents and stormed out. DD asked if he could stay a couple of days and I said yes.

A couple of days turned into a week, which turned into two weeks, which is now nearly three weeks. There's no sign of him leaving or reconciling with his parents.

Back end of last week me and DP sat them both down and said if he's staying for a bit longer then he (or his parents) needs to start giving some money as we can't afford to just pay for an extra person in the house.

He said he'd ring his parents and get them to give some money. They refused. Then his mother called me and we had tense conversation about the situation which ended with her washing her hands of the whole thing (her words were "It's not my problem").

The boyfriend doesn't have a job (he's at college) so no income so he can't really pay his way. Apparently he can't get a job because his course is so intense (he does seem to have a lot of time at college) and he's trying to get into Oxford so needs to give it his full attention.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to kick the boy out because he's got nowhere to go (his mother's been clear he's not welcome back) but I can't afford to keep him.

DP's suggestion is to just not feed him or wash his clothes then the boy will have to find a solution. I don't know, that feels cruel and I worry that DD will suffer (e.g. splitting her dinner with him).

I feel we need to walk a fine line as well because DD is very ready to take her boyfriend's side. My worry is that we'll kick him out or he'll decide to leave and DD will go with him to live in a squat somewhere.

I'd be so grateful for any advice about this.

OP posts:
Angharad07 · 16/10/2018 12:49

Maybe give social services a call. I bet that would go down well with the behind-gate-dwelling parents and their private schooled “Oxbridge candidate” spawn! Grin

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 16/10/2018 12:58

Her response was that her son's a grown man so that's his problem not hers
He’s not though. He’s a minor and she has made him ‘homeless’ (homeless because you are not willing to let him stay), so I agree with PPs, contact SS. Or, because let’s face it SS have enough to deal with without these twats, take him and all his belongings to his posh school sharpish, before half term, and ask to see the Head. Embarrassing enough for him and his parents without burdening the state or it’s purse.

MissSusanSays · 16/10/2018 13:09

Starve him out! I suggest making dinner shitter and shitter until he turns tail and runs. A selection of mashed swede and turnip with some sort of baked lentil 5 days in a row. Then you and DH have your real dinner after they’re upstairs.

Peridot1 · 16/10/2018 13:10

Sounds like a nightmare!

I would talk to your dd on her own. And just tell her he has to be gone by the end of the week. He needs to go home!

Tell her you are not taking responsibility for a teenager who has parents and a hime nearby. He is not being abused we assume. Just being an overly dramatic teen with overly dramatic parents.

Failing that I would contact the school. From a safe guarding point of view they need to be aware he is not at home and why.

If school has boarders he may be able to board.

starfishmummy · 16/10/2018 13:21

I'd get tough.

Meals would be made for you, your DP and DD only. Delicious meals (as "slap up" as you can afford) but no place set for him. No snacks in the cupboards for him to help himself to...

Redshoeblueshoe · 16/10/2018 13:34

I really wouldn't let him stay past Friday.
If he has a key take it off him.
Don't cook any more meals.
He sounds dreadful.

BarbarianMum · 16/10/2018 15:36

His parents can't make him go home. The fact that you're providing him with a home is your choice, not theirs. If they are refusing to have him home you need to contact social services.

parkermoppy · 16/10/2018 17:04

This would be so different if he was a lovely lad, had a future with your daughter, was respectful and genuinely in a bad place (abusive family, nowhere to go, no money), but this is not the case. Both him and his parents need to cut the bullshit and he needs to go back home because the fact is he is probably enjoying the drama of 'being kicked out'
I'd give him til Friday and explain to your daughter that you don't have time nor money for the dramatics. If she herself thinks he's a twat she will understand

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/10/2018 17:18

God he sounds horrendous, mind you his parents sound awful too so it’s no surprise I guess!

Tell him he has to go home for half term to sort things out with his parents. If his school is so posh are the GPs paying? Might be a way for the school to contact them?

claraschu · 16/10/2018 17:35

Am I the only person who thinks that the parents sound horrible?

OP if this boy did;t have a beret, a private education, and the hope of going to Oxford, would he still be an objectionable kid?

YuhBasic · 16/10/2018 17:42

Turtle neck and beret 😁

Batteriesallgone · 16/10/2018 18:46

Couple of weeks? Are you mad?

Stop being soft. This is a lesson for your DD in boundaries and self respect. You should take the opportunity to model this for her.

Being nice is nice and all but everyone needs to know how to hold their line. Draw one.

mimibunz · 16/10/2018 18:58

Why can’t he stay with one of his posh friends? They can afford him. Has he even been scheduled to interview at Oxford?

HollowTalk · 16/10/2018 19:06

I would have gone straight to the school and left the problem with them. He's under their care.

He does sound a right twat (hope you got a photo of him in his beret to torment your daughter with when she's dumped him) - he sounds very entitled.

I think I would take his things into school and tell the Head that the problem lies with him/her, now, not with you. I think your daughter needs to prioritise her own course and not pay attention to him and his problems now. They all seem self-inflicted, tbh.

unfortunateevents · 16/10/2018 19:09

How are his grandparents going to fund his lofty Oxford dreams (or indeed any other university) if he is so low-contact that he has no idea how to contact them? Bet he suddenly finds a way when it comes to actually needing the university fees! (Long before which he needs to be gone from your house).

Batteriesallgone · 16/10/2018 22:57

Not sure why people are dissing Oxford for a homeless person on cost grounds - if you are genuinely disadvantaged Oxbridge are two of the best unis to go to. Grants and subsidies galore. I was advised to apply to Oxbridge by my college because of the support that is there for students in genuine need.

However that’s by the by because this kid is clearly not in genuine need and is an idiot.

Daisymay2 · 17/10/2018 08:22

I think contacting the school for assistance may be a way forward. His parents are liable for fees and the school will want to ensure they get Them! I have known private schools involve social services in family breakdown circumstances. If it is boarding they might take him in and parents might agree to pay.
Do it before half term and private schools often have 2 week this term.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 17/10/2018 08:31

It’s half term on Friday. Ask him to leave then.

cloudtree · 17/10/2018 08:41

Agree with PPs. Private schools will be breaking up on Friday (or tomorrow). Contact the school today before the staff disappear. Its a safeguarding issue and they will deal with it.

Pinkyyy · 17/10/2018 08:42

I must agree with those who say two weeks is too long, this is going to continue for as long as you allow it to so the end of this week should be sufficient

Daisymay2 · 17/10/2018 09:17

Yep ring the school today, ask to speak to someone involved with safeguarding or possibly house tutor. Be clear that parents have tried to wash hands you cannot support his needs (support for study, feeding him etc) and are concerned for his welfare. How will he get to his Oxford interview without money? You are also concerned about your DD who is also applying for uni and studying. They will be in contact with parents PDQ. They can go to SS if they need to.
You might also say that you will not be paying his fees.so my previous comments about claiming benefits were wrong because that might imply responsibility.

Pebblesandfriends · 17/10/2018 20:21

How did your chat go op?

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 19/10/2018 08:56

Hello

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back on here - there's been all sorts of drama!

When I went to have a chat with DD about her boyfriend, she told me not to bother because she was going to dump him anyway.

So she did, on Wednesday night. There was lots of frantic whispering, crying, comings and goings, banging but in the end he got all his stuff and left. I felt like a big weight had been lifted so me and DD went to the pub for tea Grin

Before he left, I advised him to get in touch with the school, social services etc.

The boyfriend bought me a massive bunch of flowers and chocolates to say thank you. Not sure where he found the money for them Hmm

Then last night the boyfriend was throwing stones at DD's bedroom window (in the 90s teenage romance film style, not hurling bricks) but I was actually sleeping in her room. He got the fright of his life when I opened the window at 1:30am in my Winnie The Pooh over-sized T-shirt and rollers. I told him to bugger off and he did.

Then at 6:30am this morning, I opened the curtains and the boyfriend has arranged the autumn leaves in a message of "I love you" on our grass. But he'd done it in the dark so it was a bit wonky. I just left it but DP got rid of it on his way out.

So, we're rid of him as a lodger but I think the teenage histrionics are our new frontier. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 19/10/2018 08:58

How are his grandparents going to fund his lofty Oxford dreams (or indeed any other university) if he is so low-contact that he has no idea how to contact them?

From what I can tell, the GPs have just whacked a load of money in an account which the boy can only have access to if/when he goes to university. I think they're stipulated it can only be accessed if he goes to certain universities as well. I have no idea - the whole family are a bloody shambles.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 19/10/2018 09:08

Thanks for the update.

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