Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD's boyfriend "staying for a couple of days" - it's been three weeks and I can't afford him. What do I do?

129 replies

VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 09:03

DD (18 next week) boyfriend had a bust up with his parents and stormed out. DD asked if he could stay a couple of days and I said yes.

A couple of days turned into a week, which turned into two weeks, which is now nearly three weeks. There's no sign of him leaving or reconciling with his parents.

Back end of last week me and DP sat them both down and said if he's staying for a bit longer then he (or his parents) needs to start giving some money as we can't afford to just pay for an extra person in the house.

He said he'd ring his parents and get them to give some money. They refused. Then his mother called me and we had tense conversation about the situation which ended with her washing her hands of the whole thing (her words were "It's not my problem").

The boyfriend doesn't have a job (he's at college) so no income so he can't really pay his way. Apparently he can't get a job because his course is so intense (he does seem to have a lot of time at college) and he's trying to get into Oxford so needs to give it his full attention.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to kick the boy out because he's got nowhere to go (his mother's been clear he's not welcome back) but I can't afford to keep him.

DP's suggestion is to just not feed him or wash his clothes then the boy will have to find a solution. I don't know, that feels cruel and I worry that DD will suffer (e.g. splitting her dinner with him).

I feel we need to walk a fine line as well because DD is very ready to take her boyfriend's side. My worry is that we'll kick him out or he'll decide to leave and DD will go with him to live in a squat somewhere.

I'd be so grateful for any advice about this.

OP posts:
LanaorAna2 · 16/10/2018 10:22

The Oxford thing is BF saying 'I'm more important than you so pay my bills', teenage grandstanding. Ignore it.

BF's parents sound pretty disgraceful. It is their problem if their son has 0 to eat and nowhere to live. No wonder he's a bit annoying. And hoping to leave for Oxford.

BF should talk to the pastoral care team at his college, they'll sort him out. There are usually grants for vulnerable students.

Maybe provide enough cash for a second beret Grin

Jaxtellerswife · 16/10/2018 10:25

Turtleneck and a beretGrinGrin

notapizzaeater · 16/10/2018 10:26

Have you spoken to him and to h8m he needs to pay his way, how he facilitates this isn't your problem.

OatsBeansBarley · 16/10/2018 10:30

Having read further it seems you need to make this clear to your daughter.

Or would she like to pay his board?!

OatsBeansBarley · 16/10/2018 10:31

Then the broken record technique with the young man.

"You have to leave.." and repeat.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 16/10/2018 10:32

Is the school he is at the type of school that would very much like to have such a beret wearing Oxford applicant? I'd go to the school and say he's with you, you've got no where with his parents, you can't afford to feed him and everyone's terribly worried about the effect on his beret wearing Oxford application so what are they going to do about it.

You know he's a twat, your DD knows he's a twat, he knows he's just using you, his parents don't care ... how much stuff has he got at yours? Can you pack it up in a handkerchief and drop him at the head teacher's office?

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 10:34

Yes, he goes to a posh private school where they all seem to be beret-wearing wankers.

I like the idea of dropping him off at the head teacher's house Grin

He doesn't have that much stuff here - he's got a drawer in DD's bedroom and that's it.

OP posts:
stellabird · 16/10/2018 10:36

DD said she doesn't see a long-term relationship for them both and she's just having fun while it lasts.

Is DD aware that this "fun" is costing you a fortune ? You really need to speak firmly to both of them - they are like a couple of silly children who are playing games at your expense. Time for them both to grow up.

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 10:41

Is DD aware that this "fun" is costing you a fortune ? You really need to speak firmly to both of them - they are like a couple of silly children who are playing games at your expense. Time for them both to grow up

I'm going to talk to DD separately before I give her boyfriend an ultimatum or tell him to sling his hook altogether. My DD's usually very sensible and mature

Divide and conquer and all that.

OP posts:
OatsBeansBarley · 16/10/2018 10:44

Hold your nerve!

PersonaNonGarter · 16/10/2018 10:52

Do not say you don’t like him (obviously). And I wouldn’t make it about money either.

What if the family pay? Then you are stuck with someone you don’t like in your house.

Tell DD that you said yes for a few days and you have been tolerant. It is time for him to find something else - he must leave on Saturday.

Then, separately, you and DH must have a conversation with BF, alone, telling him he must resolve his issues with housing and that he will need to leave on Saturday.

It makes it more awkward for him to ‘rebel’ if your DD isn’t there.

Sicario · 16/10/2018 10:54

I had a similar situation with a kid that turned up on our doorstep (a friend of DD). After 3 weeks my DH put her in the car with her stuff and took her back to her parent's house. This is NOT your problem, and taking on somebody else's teenager never ends well. They are too young to have any clue about what they're doing. Return to sender.

CalmConfident · 16/10/2018 10:58

Posh private school. Is boarding an option?

fleshmarketclose · 16/10/2018 11:02

What happens if his parents decide to stop paying school fees as well? I'd contact his school explain the situation and say they need to speak with his parents because as of next week one of their pupils is going to be without a roof over his head.

educatingarti · 16/10/2018 11:02

I agree that this is not your problem, but he needs to talk to someone ( a counsellor at school?) about his home life. What seems like fiery over dramatic reactions could just be that or he could be on the receiving end of some emotional abuse, which can be quite hard to spot.

SerenDippyEggs · 16/10/2018 11:05

Agree with PP - tell your daughter what the deal is and what you plan to do, and then follow through with it ASAP. Good luck! He sounds like a right tosser

Northernlass69 · 16/10/2018 11:07

Tell mum that if she doesn't claim him asap you'll be informing his school that he's homeless.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/10/2018 11:15

I would call the school and tell them the whole story and that you are turfing him out as of X date. Then call his parents and tell them the same and also inform them that the school knows. He can take his belongings into school with him and go home at the end of the day. If he isn't welcome at home then the school can help him go to the council to be housed. If they have boarders in his school they may find a bed for him there.

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 16/10/2018 11:31

Thanks for all your support and advice

I'd come on this thread asking for advice on how to get him to pay some housekeeping but now I actually just want rid of him Grin

I'm going to chat to DD tonight about it.

I'm going to give the boyfriend a date until which he can stay while he gets himself sorted. I'll give him a couple of weeks.

I'll call his parents and tell them that after that date, he won't be able to stay with me anymore. That morning, I'll drop him (and his stuff) where-ever he wants to go but he can't stay at ours indefinitely.

I'll be clear that he can stay one or two nights a week, as he was before.

Thank you everyone. I'm just off to work but will check in later on Smile

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/10/2018 11:50

Do you want him at your house 24/7 during half term?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2018 12:09

I'll give him a couple of weeks.

Just going to quote back from your OP...

A couple of days turned into a week, which turned into two weeks, which is now nearly three weeks.

Don't give him a couple of weeks. Not least because as someone above pointed out, you'll be stuck with him fawning over his own brilliance 24/7 during half term.

You've been lovely. You've given him a chance. You're not getting anywhere OP! It's Tuesday. Out by end of the day Sunday is plenty of time.

NoSquirrels · 16/10/2018 12:20

Sounds like a good plan OP.

Tell him, tell DD. Tell his DPs and tell them all you’re also going to let the school know (for his own good because of his Very Important Oxford Application & Offer).

Stick to your guns.

SpottingTheZebras · 16/10/2018 12:29

I’d give him until the end of the month at the very longest and say he has to have left by that date. Tell him to ring Shelter for advice if needed but the onus is on him to be sorting out his own problems.

TattooUndo · 16/10/2018 12:37

No, not a couple of weeks! By the end of the month at the very latest. Also phone the school, explain the situation to the head teacher and ask them to deal with it from their end.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 16/10/2018 12:40

God no, you had me at beret. Imagine how much nicer your weekend is going to be without him - this weekend. He's not the love of your DD's life - he'll find someone else to leech off. You can't afford him.