DD's boyfriend "staying for a couple of days" - it's been three weeks and I can't afford him. What do I do?

[VauxhallVectra]

DD (18 next week) boyfriend had a bust up with his parents and stormed out. DD asked if he could stay a couple of days and I said yes.

A couple of days turned into a week, which turned into two weeks, which is now nearly three weeks. There's no sign of him leaving or reconciling with his parents.

Back end of last week me and DP sat them both down and said if he's staying for a bit longer then he (or his parents) needs to start giving some money as we can't afford to just pay for an extra person in the house.

He said he'd ring his parents and get them to give some money. They refused. Then his mother called me and we had tense conversation about the situation which ended with her washing her hands of the whole thing (her words were "It's not my problem").

The boyfriend doesn't have a job (he's at college) so no income so he can't really pay his way. Apparently he can't get a job because his course is so intense (he does seem to have a lot of time at college) and he's trying to get into Oxford so needs to give it his full attention.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to kick the boy out because he's got nowhere to go (his mother's been clear he's not welcome back) but I can't afford to keep him.

DP's suggestion is to just not feed him or wash his clothes then the boy will have to find a solution. I don't know, that feels cruel and I worry that DD will suffer (e.g. splitting her dinner with him).

I feel we need to walk a fine line as well because DD is very ready to take her boyfriend's side. My worry is that we'll kick him out or he'll decide to leave and DD will go with him to live in a squat somewhere.

I'd be so grateful for any advice about this.

And I can guarantee he'll be fine then - rich gparents, off to Oxford. Unless your dd is also going to Oxford then she can kiss him goodbye next year after he's used you all to help him on his way!

He needs to get in touch with his grandparents. You should be able to track them down? Are the British citizens? If so you should be able to trace them through their local consulate or embassy

I have no idea how it works. I don't have the time to bother my arse chasing around his insane family. I've suggested he tries to find his GPs but he's not keen.

I'd be having more than a 'tense conversation' with his mother. It IS her problem and he needs to go back home - abusive violent situations excepted of course - but you make no mention of that
We had a very tense conversation. I don't think I could be more clear with her that her son isn't my responsibility. I told her I would stop feeding him if I didn't get money for housekeeping. Her response was that her son's a grown man so that's his problem not hers

Give him a date that rent has to be paid or he moves out. It might force him to investigate the money sources mentioned above
That's what I'm thinking I might do.

It should be his parents doing the worrying not you! Maybe they are hoping you will kick him out so he has no choice but to go back home? I would tell him he can't stay more than another few weeks without rent and then take him to CAB and get them to go through his options with him. It may give him a wake up call. Either that or make him earn his keep by doing all the cooking/ cleaning. I'm sure if he used his initiative he could get hold of his grandparents number. I assume he still has a key?
Yes, I think I will give him a date! The thing is I don't want him to earn his keep - I need money. It'd be very nice having someone doing the cleaning for us but it doesn't address the problem that I can't afford to feed another grown man.
Yes, he still has his key.

Do you know what the row was about? I’d want a face to face meeting with they bit and his parents, possibly at your house, so you could all hear each other’s sides. If after that he still wouldn’t go home I’d think again about claiming benefits for him.

Stress to boy & DD that now they’re almost adults they need to act like adults and that means weighing up all the factors and finding solutions.

If Oxford and studying is his most important goal this year, then he needs to keep his head down at home and not cause trouble. He needs to know exactly what his money arrangements are due next year - and that means keeping his parents on side. Try to approach it from that angle - that he needs to swallow whatever the unpleasantness is now for his long-term future. That you’ll always be somewhere he can come to escape home for periods, but he can’t burn his bridges with his parents now. Counsel the long game whilst being super sympathetic...

He needs to speak to the gps! Has he not got a number/email/address? Get him to search past emails
He doesn't have contact details for his GPs. His parents are very low contact with his GPs. I think they exchange Xmas cards every few years and that's it.

Maybe his parents don't want to pay because they are actually waiting for him to apologise for whatever caused the row and go home?
Maybe but that's not my problem. He's their son and I'm paying for his existence.

Why has he flounced out? They may feel you are enabling a petulant teenager?
I can't make head nor tail of it to be honest. They're all very dramatic and fiery so it seems like something and nothing but they're all too stubborn to give in and apologise first!

It is too much to expect your DD ro be an emotional crutch for him. I assume she should be getting on with her A levels too.
I agree but DD's really unphased by all of this. She just doesn't really see him staying as a problem.

I think his parents were right to call his bluff if he was being a twat, he’s 17 not 7. Plenty of people are living independently at that age. He sounds like a twat to be honest, moving in with you, taking advantage. I’d be very worried for my DD being in a relationship with this man.

His Oxford application is not your or her concern! It’s all very oh I’m so clever and important you must accommodate me. Nah tell him to get to fuck. He’s homeless he needs to get down the council. Make him an appointment with citizens advice, confiscate his key (if he has one) and don’t let him in.

I’m a bitch though! I was homeless at 16, properly homeless. Spoilt twats being dramatic piss me off. There are teenagers genuinely in need out there if you aren’t housing them don’t house him!

Yep, he is annoying and immature.

I don't like him at all which isn't helping the situation.

How old is he? Does he still qualify for family tax credit? Or an out of home living money?

@VauxhallVectra can he not claim job seekers when he's 18 ? X

@Batteriesallgone agreed with you completely. He's nearly 18 he needs to sort himself out not rely on OP to look after him. Deffo make him an appointment with housing officer or whatever it's called and get him claiming job seekers

His Oxford application is not your or her concern! It’s all very oh I’m so clever and important you must accommodate me. Nah tell him to get to fuck. He’s homeless he needs to get down the council. Make him an appointment with citizens advice, confiscate his key (if he has one) and don’t let him in

god yes I totally agree!!

His Oxford application is not your or her concern! It’s all very oh I’m so clever and important you must accommodate me. Nah tell him to get to fuck. He’s homeless he needs to get down the council. Make him an appointment with citizens advice, confiscate his key (if he has one) and don’t let him in

You are wrong. His Oxford application is everyone's concern. Everyone has to hear about it, and be very impressed with it, and then do everything possible to facilitate his application turning into an offer turning into an actual place

Sorry to drip feed but I should've mentioned that he once turned up at my house wearing a turtle neck and a beret.

Oh god OP

you sound lovely btw but I would be looking hard at your own dd in this.

I'm not too concerned about my DD being a relationship with him - she's a very strong, feisty young woman who puts him in his place.

She admits he's a bit of a twat (her words).

She's said she doesn't see a long-term relationship for them both and she's just having fun while it lasts.

All very nice but now he's living in our fucking house, DD*

Christ. Have his bags packed when he gets back from college and tell him you’re driving him and his stuff back to his parents and that he has to sort it out there. Ring the doorbell and leave him at the door. Tell him he’s welcome to stay on Fridays and no more.

Instead of phoning his mother, why don't you actually to and speak to her in person ? It's one thing for her to speak tersely to you by phone, but if you go and see her one to one, you might get some better information , see how the land lies. The whole thing sounds very odd to me.

I was talked into giving a boy a home in similar circumstances - he ended staying for three years ! He was like a cuckoo in the nest, I hated him by the end of it but he was impossible to shift . I felt as if my home wasn't my own, it was horrible. You really need to get this boy out of your home ....what if he doesn't get into Oxford ? What then ? Will he stay with you forever "because he can't work" ? You need to talk to his mother and get him home, and fast !

Well. The Oxford application will be a dead duck resolved by mid January. So he can't use it as an excuse any longer than that.

If you're going to let him stay, he has to pay board. £50 a week. There are plenty of Christmas jobs advertised in shops at the moment. He's an intelligent young man so I'm sure he can get one. Give him a start date and the debt starts building up from then if he hasn't paid anything.

Either that or throw him out. But I guess your DD will get caught up in the drama of it all and go with him?

Oh, just read your last message. Throw him out then?!

Put in a claim for Child benefit, contact the parents again asking for maintenance as you would rather not go down the path of involving the cms and that they have until Friday to cough up. If they don't put in a claim. I would they cannot just wash their hands of him.

But I guess your DD will get caught up in the drama of it all and go with him?
That's my concern to be honest. While DD isn't in love with him and doesn't see a long-term future, she's very quick to defend him against me and my unreasonableness.

tell him you’re driving him and his stuff back to his parents and that he has to sort it out there. Ring the doorbell and leave him at the door. Tell him he’s welcome to stay on Fridays and no more
This was DP's suggestion last week.
The only problem is that his parents' house has gates on the drive so you can't actually get to the front door. I guess leaving him on the pavement outside is a possibility but it doesn't leave him in their possession as such IYSWIM.
DP suggested getting a couple of his massive, body-building friends to help chuck him over his parents' hedge. I waved it off at the time but now I'm thinking it might not be such a bad idea

You sound totally soft to me. I wouldn't be letting my 17 year old dd move some casual 'just fun while it lasts' boy in to my home. Tell her it stops and it stops NOW

Or put up with it

I don't like him at all which isn't helping the situation.

Let's face it, his DM is using this row as a convenient excuse to avoid having her irritating son at her house.

Her argument that "he's a grown man" doesn't stand, as he's still only (just) 17, in full-time education, so she still has parental responsibility.

She either needs to take him back in, or contact the Social Services and ask for him to be put into care.

She's hideous not to even secretly offer you money towards his food, etc; you can see where he gets his selfishness from.

My (dramatic!) mum kicked me out twice, first time when I was 16 and then again when I was 17, after blazing rows. The first time I found a local charity place where families took in teenagers for short-term stays. I lived with a family for a while, then rented a flat. I honestly can't remember how I did that, I think I must've been working somewhere but no idea where.

The second time, I had a part-time job in a pub so I just lived there.

Both times my mum reached out an olive branch and invited me back. 🙄 It has messed me up a bit, though. I am not someone to rely on other people any more.

His Oxford application is everyone's concern. Everyone has to hear about it, and be very impressed with it, and then do everything possible to facilitate his application turning into an offer turning into an actual place

God, he sounds awful and full of himself.Your poor daughter.

You know once he goes to Oxford you and your daughter will be dust.

He's a leech and his problem with his parents and their dysfunctional relationship are not your concern.

Anyone with any self-respect would not be leeching off another.

Get rid.

And ask yourself why you feel responsible for him. Do you take in every stray cat in town too?

Oh, and I lived in Oxford as a teenager/early 20's. Some right weirdos at that university.

I was going to say get him to do housework instead but after reading through and the fact you need the money you are going to have to get tough. He also sounds a bit of an idiot tbh and not a very likeable person. If his parents are rich why on earth should you be supporting him ! You probably could claim some benefits by him living with you but I can see why you wouldn't want to make it official plus that could take weeks anyway. Such a tricky one as you don't want to drive your daughter away. How about sitting him down again and asking him to ask his parents for say £30 a week board if they arent willing to pay then he will have to go home. He must have some income surely?Teenage boys spend money on social things and lunches out he cant live off fresh air.

Honestly?

Unless he is an absolute rock who is doing loads for you around the house and showing immense gratitude..

I'd tell him to reconcile with his family. He has the future at university to keep him going as a goal.

I had a tense time with my (non abusive) mum through my teens and early twenties and had someone taken me in it would have done me no favours.

You are hindering his maturing.