Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

[StifflersMom]

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "pssy", fck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

(stands in awe at the mner that is Custardo)

Littlelapin - I often make mental notes of Custardo's advice!

Me too (re. Custy). I think she's younger than me but she doesn't half remind me of my 'aunt' who is the wisest person I know about handling children and teenagers. I always knew I could go to my aunt and would get a fair hearing, good advice and possibly a virtual clip round the ear if I deserved it. The most reassuring, sensible, funny person I knew - and sometimes being told off, or told that you are being bloody daft is actually what teenagers want, secretly (not that they would ever admit it).

Stifflersmum, glad it has all worked out. I used to know a consultant who specialised in CF who was firmly of the opinion that lots of girls had babies young because of the limited life expectancy - that they wanted to have a normal life but knew they were pressed for time, IYKWIM. No idea how that translates for boys, though.

Thank you DaddyJ. I value so many of the comments on this thread, and not only those who think they'd have reacted similarly to me. But yours as one in particular because you are male and obviously remember what it was like to be a teenage boy.

Gingermonkey thank you for your comments and the time it took to make them and I'm not meaning to sound ungrateful but when people only read the OP on a long thread (and this happens a lot) it is sometimes not all that helpful to comment; which is a shame as people obviously want to say something constructive. The whole of yesterday/the night before it was an emotional roller coaster for both DS and I. I used the word disgust in the OP because I was being honest at how I felt, but the disgust was not at him, it was, primarily the language he used and my shock at not realising that he was capable of using it (whether it not he thought the message up himself or not; he claims not but I doubt whether that's true but not pressing that point. Either way he claimed the message as his own when he chose to send it.) I would never, long term, run the risk of having him withdraw into himself at least NOT because of my treatment of him. I think it is v.important to have as open as possible relationship with our teenagers and will strive for that.. but that's not to stay that some teenagers go off the rails anyway and withdraw completely despite the best efforts of their parents. (

This is/was an unusual incident in this family and my reaction that night and most of yesterday was a knee jerk one. I am now fully of what DS has may be "into", too young or not too young, whether I want to be or not! I still do not and cannot "approve"; I think 14 is too young and that is that and he now knows this now if he didn't before. I have no wish to "keep him as a child" nor do I have anything other than what I see as the usual "pangs" about my 'little boy' growing up. (Except maybe a few issues about lifespan which I think are understandable?) As I have said previously, I spent the first half of his life worrying that all this "normal" stuff wouldn't happen to him because he'd be too ill by this age (thank God he is so well!) or that girls wouldn't fancy him because he'd look/be too sickly.. or something.. so in that respect I am happy and grateful. But no amount of knowing it is normal will make me "feel" it's ok, this soon.

Edam, most CF boys cannot have babies, at leasy not "by accident" from fooling around too young. (The can certainly contract STis though of course!)

Girls with CF generally have no fertility issues but their health often goes seriously downhill after the stress of pregnancy/birth/caring for a baby. If I had to have a child with CF I feel lucky that he was a boy in this respect. Also that they can build their muscles and make their chests physically stronger. (DS is very strong and well built for his age - 6 pack and all.. probably what the girls like .. he swim trains for 4 hours a week.)

He is a good boy really.. bless

custardo I think that is one of the best posts I have ever read on mumsnet! I feel like printing out and keeping it to refer to.

Completely in awe at the wisdom of Custy. Ace post.

Stifflers, glad you have been able to talk to your son, and get some valuable advise on here. Sorry if I came across less than understanding earlier, custy is right in saying that many have younger children and only look back to themselves. That is the case with me. (And hey, I didnt know about periods till I got them, and mum did not know I knew about the birds and the bees till she walked in on me and boyfriend...)

I have not read all posts since then, but I see it has moved on to talk about internet and security for kids.

My friend always just assumed her 12 year old daughter was showing sense online and on her blog page, "because she is such a mature girl". Bollocks to that, I decided to take a look myself, and ended up scrutinizing the blog pages of her and her best girlfriends, and found pictures the girls were uploading (nothing graphic, just pretty young girls in short skirts and t shirts, etc)of themselves, sleepovers, trips to the cinema, and they were leaving messages in the guest books and message boards on eachothers blogs, with their real names, references to the school, local football team, this and that boy in year 11, etc.. Some messages were really nasty, the girls presumed it was a girl from a different class doing a prank, I did not think so. (Put a trace for the ip address of nasty messages, it was all the same, and it did not correspond with any of the ones from the friends). I told my friend to have a look at the blog pages, and she agreed, this was irresponsible of the girls, anybody could put two and two together and find out what school they went to, so advised her to get in touch with the other mums to have a chat about online safety. HOWEVER, and this is where it gets freaky, when she called the other mums, she learnt that a specific car has been parked outside the school the last week at the time when the kids go home, and this car has followed the girls to their homes, one after the other.... It happens, and it might as well happen to YOUR (or my in a few years from now) teenager.

The other thing and you are probably all extremely aware of this, I would always be careful with chatrooms. In my work I have had the very upsetting task of reading through chat logs from young paedophiles pretending to be a lot younger boy or girl, talking about his new rabbit with girls he has befriended under one pseudonym, and talking about his lusts and desires with other likeminded in other forums. It is a very sad world, and a scary place for teenagers, and their parents, when the reality might be far from what it seems.

Ah, I see Stifflers. Consultant told me about negative effects of pregnancy but said drive to reproduce was so strong it seemed to outweigh all other considerations - he could tell them till he was blue in the face how it might affect them but it wouldn't make much difference.

Must be very, very hard for all of you. Esp. with the letting them go off and make their own mistakes - most of us are fortunate enough to merely worry about all the ordinary stuff that can happen when we let our children out of our sight.

Your poor DS. What a reaction!

I really feel for Stifflermom and I think she has been very honest in her posts and dealt with it very well in the long run.

Custy - I am saving your post (might even print it out and laminate it!!)and will return to it in 7 years time. Sound advice matey!!

Stifflers I think you have been very badly treated by some posters here. And luckily you have also received some fab advice too. But you obviously handled the situation well in your own way, maybe not textbook as you say, but in a way that suits your family.

Good for you for wanting to protect your son and for wanting him to have a better attitude towards women than the prevailing teen culture promotes. Just because it's the norm does not make it right and if we don't educate our boys how are they going to grow up into decent men?

And I agree that just because some posters here were at it like rabbits aged 14, doesn't make it desirable or okay. I took drugs and it was a stupid, rubbish, ill informed decision that I would do anything for my DS to avoid. My mum took the cool attitude. I wish she had laid some boundaries and shown me that it was not acceptable. There are no easy answers.

Don't waste time fretting any more over this. Move on. Your DS sounds lovely but flawed, as I'm sure we/they mostly are!

god custy's post made me cry.
what a fantastic mum she must be.

I want custy to be my Mum!

i think we should all print off custy's post and keep it for future use!

Wickedwaterwitch's 18:32 post is exactly my reaction to this.

I cannot imagine how grim it is to have to face the reality of a 14 year old's pornographic mind. I don't want to imagine my 5 and 3 year old ds thinking like this. I do, however accept that this WILL happen.

I don't have a problem with the phrases used as an adult so that must mean that for me it is the emerging adult sexuality that is uncomfortable when envisaging this as part of my ds's future.

Some normal people like talking dirty, it doesn't make it disrespectful to women necessarily unless there is a demeaning tone.

So, yes, I think you overreacted badly and have done a bit of self esteem damage there probably. Not irreparable though, of course.

I have printed off Custys post, and also Cods. DS1 is only 3.2 but always better to be prepared!

SM, I think you have understandably had a shock and your reaction was only human. What would have happened if Girl's parents or a teacher had seen the texts? I'm sure your son (and you) will learn from this and grow as a result.

Gawd, I am soo horribly scared of the teen years to come (I thought toddler tantrums were challenging!)

why , kitty?

Milkchocolate, that's a really crucial point (this thread is turning
into an absolute goldmine!) and it's the reason why I disagree with
the privacy argument.

The Internet is an amazing place - what Mumsnetter would disagree with that!?

But: it is also largely unregulated and it is very much linked with RL
which is something that a lot of people (not just teenagers!) seem to forget.
With, at times, serious consequences.

For that reason I think it is entirely reasonable to keep an eye
on what kids are up to online and on their mobiles.
As much as this sounds like an infringement of their human rights..

I really feel for you StifflersMom, I am probably a lot like you in that I wouldn't want my teens to be using these words or thinking these thoughts. Luckily I have a fab best mate to turn to when mine get to that age.

It must be sooooo difficult watching them grow from innocent children to walking hormone fuelled adolescents - in your case it seems almost as though it has happened overnight. And perhaps because of his illness, you have more reason than most to be protective of him and to want to hang onto his childhood years for as long as possible.

Custy speaks sense. A lot of what she says I know that I'll not want to hear when my kids are doing it, but I'll have to force myself to because otherwise I'll be irresponsible and stupid. And if it helps at all, her kids are the bestest teens I know! They have a great relationship with her and so her parenting methods are to be followed - they really do work!

But for you personally, as a mum, this must be a terrible situation for you. I grieve when mine grow from newborns to babies, then I grieve when they grow from babies to toddlers and so on, because whilst it is so lovely to see them form and blossom, you also know that you'll never get that part of them back again.

Your son is growing out of childhood and that must be extremely difficult for all of you. I hope you accept my very best wishes. I can't give you advice but I can show you a little support. I think unless people have been there, they have no clue how it feels from your point of view.

Best of luck for all of you x

Fab fab fab post from custy. I hope I can be as wise when my ds hits the teens......

StifflersMom - I haven't read the more recent posts as it was getting a bit long! But from what you have said, I was wondering if your son may be trying to overcompensate for his medical condition if it is any way related to fertility/his genitals. And what he said about his mates - is he posturing for virility kudos and being egged on? I know it is not quite the same but I can remember getting friendly with a different crowd at that age and swearing alot - sort of like trying on a different costume to see if it was me or not? Hope this reamble makes sense. You have my heartfelt sympathy - I am dreading this testosterone fuelled stage.

Please do nto carry on upsetting him to the point of being sick, you have told him how oyu feel and what the rules are, and if he says he is not having sex that is all you have to go on.

the language used in the texts in teenage nonsense he probabyl thinks it is really grown up to text like that like he might thnk grown ups do and it was not meant for your ears or eyes, nowadays everything happens to early. I would say that if you pay for the phone adn top it up and for any computers he has that it is your right to censor what goes into them and so he shoudl nto do it for that reasona dn because it upsets you, and also , that is not a nice way to tlak to a teenage girlfriend, but after you have said how you feel adn what the rusle are you have to leave it and stop bringing it up as it must be pretty excrutiating for him to have his mum see this stuff, whihc was prbably for nonsense and bravado with his little friends.

Springadora, no my son's condition is not related to his genitals but it was fair comment. It is also possible that he IS revelling in being "normal" but to be fair, the only way his condition has really infringed upon his life is the gruelling treatment regime (not least his persisting needle phobia). He had always, so far, touch wood, been able to be very busy and active as any other child.

JennyLee.. was wondering, can you point out WHERE I have stated or implied that I might make a HABIT of "upsetting him to the point that he is sick"? What I said was that he throws up under stress; not that I make a habit of causing it. He is a worrier and used to have a confidence problem, NOT I might add through anything I have done or said to him.. it's just the way he was/used to be. I have gone to great lengths to help him recover from these issues and fought long and hard to have his needle phobia addressed because he can't escape blood tests; they are a part of his life. As may be IVs at some stage. I have taken him to London to see a special psychologist as well. Does that reassure as to how much I care about his state of mind?

When he was sick, the night before last, he was reacting to the shock that I had found out about what he had been up to and questioning about it; I am sure of this, NOT because I was threatening him or being abusive or violent in any way. I was not. I was being quite pathetic and crying actuallu. I was also shaking like a leaf and feeling extremely nauseous. Over-reaction.. quite possibly.. terrorising him? No.

Please try not to make unfair assumptions.