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Teenagers

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Original poster

AIBU - my son refuses to visit grandparents in India

118 replies

Nev1lle00 · 03/07/2018 23:15

My 18 year old son refuses to visit my parents in India. He is the only grandchild and last saw them 5 years ago. He has had gastroenteritis each time he has travelled there and it is boring for him as they are old , infirm & hard of hearing so communication is a problem. No young people his age or that he feels he can relate to. But we feel he needs to see his extended family & cannot cut himself off. He has huge anxiety and a phobia about travelling to India. He is still financially dependent on us as he goes to university . Would it be unreasonable to withdraw all support unless he agrees to go?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 03/07/2018 23:16

Yes.

Laniakea · 03/07/2018 23:17

completely

mummyretired · 03/07/2018 23:18

Yes. Unless you don't want him to go to university and are subsidising him against your inclinations.

LizB62A · 03/07/2018 23:19

Sounds awful, YABU

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 03/07/2018 23:20

He is an adult, it is his decision. If he is ill every time he goes then I can understand why he doesn't want to go back. Maybe in a few years he will change his mind. Can you FaceTime with him while you are there?

halcyondays · 03/07/2018 23:20

Yes.

Cheekyandfreaky · 03/07/2018 23:20

Yabu from someone with family in India.

halcyondays · 03/07/2018 23:21

I'd be anxious about going if I got gastroenteritis every time.

ImCatbug · 03/07/2018 23:21

You want to force your ADULT son to go to a place he finds frightening, boring and where he always gets sick, by threatening to cut off financial support and therefore risking him leaving his education?
YABVVVVVU

AppleKatie · 03/07/2018 23:21

Yes completely unreasonable. You can’t force an 18 year old halfway around the world if they don’t want to go.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 03/07/2018 23:21

They can visit him- it works both ways.

evilharpy · 03/07/2018 23:22

Just wow.

Yes, YABU.

UndomesticHousewife · 03/07/2018 23:22

So if he still refuses to go are you going to withhold the support until he has to leave university and fucks up his future?

AndInShortIWasAfraid · 03/07/2018 23:23

You are completely unreasonable. He doesn't want to go, so stop the threats and leave him alone.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/07/2018 23:24

Would you really follow through with your threat and ruin his further education because you didn't get your own way?

He is an adult, he gets to choose what relationships he wants with extended family now.

WhiteLily83 · 03/07/2018 23:24

You can’t force him to go. To withdraw supporting his education is ridiculous and cruel.

LittleBearPad · 03/07/2018 23:25

You are kidding! It would be incredibly unreasonable

CourtneyLovely · 03/07/2018 23:25

Is this for real? I wouldn't want to go somewhere I'm always ill and unhappy either.

NorthernLurker · 03/07/2018 23:25

He isn't cutting himself off. He just doesn't want to go to India. You and your parents just need to get over it.

VimFuego101 · 03/07/2018 23:26

YABU, I wouldn't want to travel somewhere so far away knowing I would get sick either.

pallisers · 03/07/2018 23:30

Yes. completely.

You made the decision to move away from your parents and live somewhere thousands of miles away. (I made the same decision)

or else your parents made the decision to move back to India.

The one person who didn't make a decision is your son. You cannot rear someone thousands of miles from family and expect that family to be the same priority to him it would be if he had been reared two streets away. Sorry. Sometimes it works out (my kids did prioritise my parents but they didn't get sick every time they went home either and had houses full of cousins and friends to hang out with)

I really don't mean to be harsh. I understand the pain of being an emigrant and leaving family behind and the urge to have your children keep those connections. But those are your issues. Not his.

If you want your child to value family, the best thing you can do is show him how YOU do that - not force him to make trips etc.

SandAndSea · 03/07/2018 23:34

Your op is interesting in its honesty but yes, yabu.

TheBlueDot · 03/07/2018 23:35

Exactly what Pallisers says.

I understand family is important but you (or your parents) took the decision to live thousands of miles away. He can keep in touch with Skype - have you ever tried that with your parents?

honeysucklejasmine · 03/07/2018 23:36

Wtf?! YABVU.

Heratnumber7 · 03/07/2018 23:39

Could he visit, but stay in a western style hotel offering food his digestive system might be more comfortable with?
Could your parents visit him instead?
Could they meet half way somewhere?