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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU - my son refuses to visit grandparents in India

118 replies

Nev1lle00 · 03/07/2018 23:15

My 18 year old son refuses to visit my parents in India. He is the only grandchild and last saw them 5 years ago. He has had gastroenteritis each time he has travelled there and it is boring for him as they are old , infirm & hard of hearing so communication is a problem. No young people his age or that he feels he can relate to. But we feel he needs to see his extended family & cannot cut himself off. He has huge anxiety and a phobia about travelling to India. He is still financially dependent on us as he goes to university . Would it be unreasonable to withdraw all support unless he agrees to go?

OP posts:
MountainPeakGeek · 03/07/2018 23:40

I can't believe that you have to ask? It would not just be unreasonable. It would be incredibly nasty and a disgusting thing for a parent to ever consider. I feel very sorry for your son.

LighthouseSouth · 03/07/2018 23:52

oh OP you sound awful, horrible parenting.

my relatives are all in another country too but I cannot travel without being ill. They haven't seen me for 35+ years.

It really isn't worth going abroad just to be ill - even in hospital in my case. Leave him be. He's an adult and he's finally free of you dragging him around. Luckily my parents learned within 2 visits when I was a child. I can't imagine I'd even be on speaking terms with them if they had pushed it.

Really shocked by this post in fact.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 03/07/2018 23:55

Yabu, I've been to India and it was horrible. spent 3 weeks in and out of hospital when i got home because of how ill i was and i was staying in a decent resort.

I wouldnt force anyone to go anywhere they didnt want to, Hes an adult and i don't see why he needs to see his distant family.

LighthouseSouth · 03/07/2018 23:55

I also have huge anxiety and sometimes I get annoyed with my parents for wanting me to travel 90 mins to see them!!

honestly, this post has made me really sad and cross at the same time - such terrible and ignorant parenting. This is not how anyone makes a happy family.

honeyrider · 04/07/2018 00:07

YABVVU, what disgusting parenting. I feel very sorry for your son. Instead of threatening him you would be better off taking a long hard look at yourself.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2018 00:11

If you cut off your support for your son - frankly, if you simply threaten to withdraw your support - you will lose your son.

Please do not carry out this threat - you would not just be u reasonable, you would be the epitome of unreasonableness.

qu1rky · 04/07/2018 00:12

Yabu and your parent's should understand his reluctance to go.
To withdraw financial support because he won't do as you say is tantamount to bullying.
Poor lad Sad.

BagelGoesWalking · 04/07/2018 00:33

" He has huge anxiety and a phobia about travelling to India."

And gets very ill - yes, you are being completely unreasonable. Surely you value his university education more highly than that?

I understand the issues as my husband is from abroad and his mother and other family are over there. But he's an adult now and, given the reasons above, he's got the perfect right to say no.

daytonabeach · 04/07/2018 00:38

You can either support him or bully him.

Are you going to punish the elderly grandparents for not travelling to see him?

Watchingthecloudsflyby · 04/07/2018 00:39

Yes OP, financially blackmail him to do whatever you want him to do, that won't fanfare your relationship at all!!
He'll go, be ill and forever be angry at you or he'll refuse, drop out of uni and you'll always be disappointed and he'll be angry.

If you don't want to pay for uni, don't.

If you want to go visit your parents, go.

Don't turn out into a game of control

Nodnol · 04/07/2018 00:47

Poor kid.

You are not only BVU, you are a shit parent.

Takfujimoto · 04/07/2018 01:03

I feel very sorry for your son.

What is wrong with you? Why would you even consider financial blackmail to manipulate your own child?

He gets sick every time he goes to India, if this was my child I wouldn't have taken him back after the second time.

Do you even care about him or just your family reputation and expectations?

Sort yourself out and grow the fuck up and act like a half decent parent ffs.

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2018 03:04

Stop the pressurising, bullying and blackmail

If you're so worried YOU go and visit them.

I feel sorry for your son, having dictator parents. You don't even care that he clearly doesn't like India, has been ill there, wasn't raised by or with his grandparents (who you moved away from anyway) so why on earth would he feel any bond with them?

Go ahead and withdraw your support, if you like. One day you will get old and you will need your son before he needs you

TanteRose · 04/07/2018 03:06

YABVVU
that is all

Ummmmgogo · 04/07/2018 03:49

I think you would be unreasonable to cut off financial support but I do think he needs to go. they are his grandparents!!!! I've heard India is lovely, make the visit half tourist stuff and half family visits?

pambeasley · 04/07/2018 03:56

Jesus Christ. Poor guy. Yes you are massively unreasonable.

EdWinchester · 04/07/2018 04:20

Yes, horrible of you.

Original poster
Nev1lle00 · 04/07/2018 05:20

Thanks for all the responses. We were born to much older parents so the grandparents are 97, 94 & 87 years of age. Big age gap between my husband’s sister as well who is 65. So I can see where he is coming from - communication with them is limited, the weather is hot & he has fallen ill on previous visits. But at the end of the day , they are family & they are too old & infirm to travel - should he not see them? One day he will grow old too. But he has such a phobia re India, he says he never wants to go there again.
I would not cut off support for his education but we support him with so many other things & surely there is give & take. It seems to us that our son is being selfish. He is happy to take all the advantages of being in the family but not the responsibility that goes with it.
I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond & being honest. It does help me to get some perspective. My husband is very hurt by my son’s attitude.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 04/07/2018 05:45

You were the ones who moved away, not your son. Don’t punish him for the guilt you’re feeling for not seeing your parents. I can’t think of anything worse than going all that way out of a sense of duty to get ill, be bored rigid and have an anxiety attack before you go.

Jeffers3 · 04/07/2018 05:53

When did you go last?

foxssoxareinthebox · 04/07/2018 06:02

Oh my goodness really?? Yes YABVU.

OccasionalNachos · 04/07/2018 06:05

He is happy to take all the advantages of being in the family but not the responsibility that goes with it.

Is there not any other way of keeping in touch?

Aside from the compounding issues of anxiety ‘ travelling, teenagers & young adults are generally a bit crap at keeping in touch with grandparents and other older relatives, it’s quite normal even if t does seem selfish! When I was at university I visited & called grandparents fairly infrequently, and I had been close to them for my whole childhood. I just had different priorities at that time. If you force him to stay in touch now there is a real risk he might resent this in the future.

Fflamingo · 04/07/2018 06:06

Can he stay at a nearby smart hotel and just make short visits and not eat with them.

Fflamingo · 04/07/2018 06:07

Perhaps take a friend, do some tourism.

Solasum · 04/07/2018 06:08

He has no responsibility for your family OP. They are practically strangers to him. That was the choice you and your husband made by raising him elsewhere.

If he has said he never wants to go again, he has made his decision. He is not a 13 year old having a strop.

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