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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AIBU - my son refuses to visit grandparents in India

118 replies

Nev1lle00 · 03/07/2018 23:15

My 18 year old son refuses to visit my parents in India. He is the only grandchild and last saw them 5 years ago. He has had gastroenteritis each time he has travelled there and it is boring for him as they are old , infirm & hard of hearing so communication is a problem. No young people his age or that he feels he can relate to. But we feel he needs to see his extended family & cannot cut himself off. He has huge anxiety and a phobia about travelling to India. He is still financially dependent on us as he goes to university . Would it be unreasonable to withdraw all support unless he agrees to go?

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 04/07/2018 07:24

A phobia is an irrational fear and he has genuine reasons to fear traveling, gastroenteritis is horrible.

It's a shame he doesn't have a relationship with his grandparents but I don't think it can be helped.

PalePinkSwan · 04/07/2018 07:26

If you want him to value family, you need to model that by demonstrating strong family values. That includes supporting your children’s education and happiness as best you can.

Forcing or blackmailing him to do something he is so opposed to will irreparably damage your relationship with your son.

If you want him to take more of an interest in the extended family you can foster that with Skype, letters etc - obviously you’ll need to translate but at least he’d have some communication with them.

Lostteddy · 04/07/2018 07:31

This is quite upsetting to read. I feel very sorry for your son. Please don't do this to him. You will end up driving him away.

SharpLily · 04/07/2018 07:31

I'm not sure why you've posted, to be honest, OP. You've had a very clear response telling you that YABU, but you don't seem to be listening. If his previous visits have inspired the feeling that he never wants to go to India again then I'm afraid you've clearly handled said visits badly in the past and it's looking like it's too late to fix it now. That's not his fault. And I'm not quite sure what you're worried he'll be 'cut off' from - at the risk of being harsh, these are some very old people, probably not much longer for this world, with whom he apparently can't communicate anyway. What exactly will he miss out on?

BlackStoneCherie · 04/07/2018 07:34

Would it be unreasonable to withdraw all support unless he agrees to go ?

^ So you would bully him into doing it, regardless of the fact it affects his health? How awful.

Imknackeredzzz · 04/07/2018 07:37

You sound absolutely awful!!!

U risk driving your son away from you both as well with this horrible selfish attitude.

He has valid reasons for not wanting to go, respect your son and his reasoning and support him.

Can’t believe parents like this exist to be honest!

rollingonariver · 04/07/2018 07:37

Your son will go NC with you one day, what a nasty ducking attitude. Poor boy.

LoveProsecco · 04/07/2018 07:38

How awful. Every point you make is a reasonable reason for him not to go. Combined it sounds like the holiday from hell

TheVanguardSix · 04/07/2018 07:42

You're very old fashioned and harsh, OP.
Time to move with the times.
Your son isn't being some hard-nosed jerk here. His issues about going are legitimate. You're not listening to your son. You're reacting and only thinking of your outdated expectations.

So, when did YOU last go? They're your parents, not his. Why don't you go?

French2019 · 04/07/2018 07:43

OP, you're thinking about this in the wrong way. You cannot manipulate your DS in this way, and you cannot force him to go to India if he doesn't wish to do so. Relationships need to be based on mutual respect, not guilt and obligation.

I get why you're upset. It must be incredibly sad for his grandparents, and obviously it would be difficult - perhaps impossible - for them to travel the other way. I do think family is important, and don't agree with the other posters who say that those ties are irrelevant. However, you cannot force a relationship.

Perhaps it's time for you to reflect on how you've done things over the years. Have you worked really hard to facilitate a good relationship between your DS and his extended family or have you just assumed that he will continue to see them out of duty? How many times did you take him when he was a child? And how did you ensure that trips to India were interesting and enjoyable for him? How have you nurtured the relationships with your family between visits? What did you do to try and prevent DS from getting ill while he was there?

We have family in India. I really hope that dd will continue to see them when she is older, but there will be no pressure on her to do so. It will be her choice. Our role, as I see it, is to facilitate the development of the kind of relationships with her family in India which will make her want to go and see them in the future.

Please don't try to manipulate your adult son. If you do, you will end up just pushing him away.

TheVanguardSix · 04/07/2018 07:54

My bad. I saw that you were there recently.
But that doesn't change my stance at all.
You have a different dynamic and responsibility towards your parents than he does.
You expect your son to be 'responsible' for the extended family and do his duty.
Well, you should listen to his reasons for not wanting to go and sincerely honour them. My gut feeling is that you know that you yourself need to return this summer and do your bit (it's very demanding to have old, infirm parents so far away- I feel for you) and you want to surreptitiously put this on your son in order to relieve you from your own obligations. You can't share the load of this burden with your son. And I think that's what you're angling for here.

You can't saddle him with your parents' ailments and high needs (because I believe that if he went this summer, you would then expect him to go every few months in your stead).

You can go with him or not have him go at all.
But you can't force him to go alone.
And you can't reject your son for not wanting to do your bit of wrapping leg ulcers in India and come home with long-term gastro problems.
You have to let go of your old fashioned ways and mentality in this regard, OP.

Messyone · 04/07/2018 07:56

I don’t think you should force him because if do you will make him hate India more. You should all go as a family when the weather is better and actually take him to see the touristy bits. If there are any children in your extended family who are of a similar age it will help if your son can hang out with them. He doesn’t need to be with grand parent s 24/7.

Also why Does he keep getting sick? Do your family members not take precautions with his food and water?

I don’t know why south Asian parents think it’s a great to take you to hot country and you stay with relatives not doing anything ( my parents always did this to me). Thankfully whenever I went as a child my extended family always took me on trips esp to the cooler Northern Areas and we always went to the city so I was never bored.

NukaColaGirl · 04/07/2018 08:00

If you withdraw financial support, he is well within his rights to go NC with you, move out, tell SF he is estranged from you and get a full loan etc from them.

And you’ll have to live with knowing you almost ruined his education and entire future.

Yay you

lifechangesforever · 04/07/2018 08:01

I don't even go visit my mum in Aberdeen (8 hour drive away) because it's such a farce and is a logistical nightmare, never mind going halfway across the world to somewhere where I get ill, I'm bored and essentially, have minimal interaction with the family there. YABU.

I think you're more concerned about how this looks to others on the 'family commitment' front, rather than about your son.

sleep5 · 04/07/2018 08:11

Given his grandparents are so old and likely won't survive much longer, I think it's fair to ask him to go, especially given you're paying.

I was pushed into visiting my grandmother in a rest home when I was at university and hated it at the time but am so grateful now for my parents insisting. That time was beneficial to me and my grandmother and I remember it vividly now.

He's living at home and you're funding his studies so he should be expected to do something in return. Personally I'd tell him that family are important and that while he's living with you it's "your house, your rules". He can always move out and support himself if family are that worthless to him.

TheHobbitMum · 04/07/2018 08:14

Aren't you a peach! Read your post back and let it sink in, would you want too either?

Lottapianos · 04/07/2018 08:58

'He's living at home and you're funding his studies so he should be expected to do something in return. '

No. Just no. Supporting your child financially while studying or training is just what normal parents do. He doesn't owe you for that. He's an adult and you don't get to tell him what to do anymore.

You sound a lot like my parents OP. They always saw me as an extension of themselves, and had no respect for my wishes even after I became an adult. I rarely see them now. As everyone else has said, you are being very unreasonable here

MissEliza · 04/07/2018 10:04

This makes me so sad. What a shame that your ds feels like that. I recently lost my dm and it is some comfort to me that my dcs had a close relationship with her, despite the fact we live far away. My dcs do get bored visiting their dgps but they love them and understand it's important to spend time with them. You need to talk to your ds about making time for family and his dgps not being around forever.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2018 11:36

@Nev1lle00 - I am glad that you have seen sense and decided not to threaten to withdraw funding/support for your son's education - but you then say "... but we support him with so many other things & surely there is give & take..." - which suggests that you are still considering withdrawing some other support from him, if he won't go to India and visit his grandparents.

Let me say again - if you do this you will lose your son. Blackmailing him by threatening to withdraw the support that you are giving him as his parents is appalling behaviour, and I would be ashamed to even consider doing it to any of my children. It would be incredibly poor parenting!

It would be nice for your parents to see their grandchild - but it is NOT his responsibility. It would not be unreasonable of you to ask him to write to them regularly, to send pictures, to phone them, if that is possible - but to threaten and blackmail him to make him go and visit, is utterly unacceptable.

I will repeat - if you do this, you will lose your son - are you willing to take that risk??

villamariavintrapp · 04/07/2018 11:43

I don’t think you should force him to go, he’s an adult and can make his own choice about this. But at the same time I think it’s ok that there are consequences to his choices. So if he isn’t willing to contribute to caring for family, and supporting you with this-and I am sure it is tough for you to be back and forth to India frequently to look after elderly relatives, and that you might appreciate the company/support-then I think it’s fair enough that he also has to make sacrifices. Maybe he doesn’t get to travel to enjoy family holidays if he’s not willing to travel to support family. Maybe he has to look after the house/contribute in some other way, if you’re the one being left to do this?

Greenglassteacup · 04/07/2018 11:52

Incredibly unreasonable and bullish behaviour OP.

How is he getting gastroenteritis every time? No wonder the poor lad doesn’t want to go. I think you need to stop bulldozing him otherwise he might not want to visit you in the future.

Pastaagain78 · 04/07/2018 12:00

Yabvvvvu. Nothing else to add that hasn’t been said already.

SoftBallSophie · 04/07/2018 12:22

Yabu

You cannot force him to go, your attitude of control will destroy your relationship with him.

NorthernSpirit · 04/07/2018 12:26

Incredibly selfish and manipulative of you.

Your son is an 18 year old adult and doesn’t want to go.

He’s not a small child you can bully and manipulate to get your own way. The threat of withdrawing university support is disgusting on your part, you should be ashamed of yourself.

My mother used to do this to me. Force me to do things and control me with the threat of withdrawal of support. I left home at 18 to go to university and haven’t had a penny off my parents since. She’s an emotional bully (which you and your partner are showing signs of). Pretty much NC with her now.

RedSkyLastNight · 04/07/2018 12:30

Why can't he stay in touch with them via Skype (or whatever)?
If communication is limited, they can't do anything much together, and he's likely to find it too hot and possibly get ill, I'm not sure why him visiting has any positives?

If you do cut off financial support, he can take out maintenance loans and/or get a job to support himself ... but your relationship will never recover.

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