AIBU - my son refuses to visit grandparents in India

[Nev1lle00]

My 18 year old son refuses to visit my parents in India. He is the only grandchild and last saw them 5 years ago. He has had gastroenteritis each time he has travelled there and it is boring for him as they are old , infirm & hard of hearing so communication is a problem. No young people his age or that he feels he can relate to. But we feel he needs to see his extended family & cannot cut himself off. He has huge anxiety and a phobia about travelling to India. He is still financially dependent on us as he goes to university . Would it be unreasonable to withdraw all support unless he agrees to go?

Totally unreasonable. That's blackmail no?

OP "He is happy to take all the advantages of being in the family but not the responsibility that goes with it.
I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond & being honest."

You mean the 18 year old that YOU brought into the world needs some money? Wait till he's got some savings. He will cut you off.

What the fuck has being old got to do with this? I'm talking to my 97 year old gran tonight, she'd weep at what you are doing. She hasn't seen me since I was a teen but she's got a brain in her head and basic human kindness in her heart, so she knows why.

And there's only one responsibility being neglect here. YOUR responsibility to your child. You and your husband don't deserve to have a child.

Yabu. Sacrifice his education because he doesn’t do what you think 😮

So he has massive anxiety about going to India so you want to try and force him to come by saying you will withdraw financial support? That’s pretty low.

You can’t emotionally (and literally) blackmail your son to travel to a country he hates, to spend time with family members he doesn’t have a relationship with. My in laws are Indian so I understand Indian culture and family dynamics, but what you’re suggesting is cruel to the extreme.

You are being very unreasonable, just to spell it out.

Why on earth would you go in the summer? That is bordering on insanity. I have Indian family members and they don't go in the summer either.

Blackmailing him with withdrawing financial support is low, really low.

I do believe that teens and young adult children should make an effort to meet with family members, if their parents are doing so - but I mean attending a UK family wedding, lunch or being ready to chat when a family member comes around, rather than sloping off just because they don't feel like it.

Leave it this time and perhaps he will want to go when he is a student and travelling to India becomes a bit more 'cool'.

He really shouldnt be getting sick every time he goes. Maybe once every now and then as a result of bad luck but if he is getting sick every time then either there is something wrong with his digestive health (in which cases he shouldn't be going) or he has been mistreated whiled he has been there by being forced to eat /drink unsanitary food in which case it is no surprise that he doesn't want to go. If it is the latter case then if you promise to stay in a hotel catering to westerners the whole time and only eat/drink at the hotel than that may ease his mind.

Some people are more sensitive to digestive illness abroad. I know someone with Crohns who was badly ill for a long time after going to India.

YABU to ruin your son's education and future in order to force him to visit grandparents who he barely knows, in a country where he gets ill and is bored. In fact YABU to try to force him to do anything - he's an adult and can make his own decisions.

You're putting your parents before your son - they want to see him but he doesn't want to see them, so you're going to force him to see them against his wishes just to make them happy.

Worst case scenario your son refuses to go, leaves university, then cuts contact with you for ruining his life and education. Is that what you want?

Whilst it would be lovely if your DS had a close relationship with his DGP (and I understand why you would want this) you just can’t force it if that relationship isn’t there.

I lived far away from my DGP but was very close to them, chose to visit as a teenager and an adult. I think part of that was not having an expectation put on me to go. I think if I would have been pressured to go I might have been reluctant to!

I think you just have to accept your DS doesn’t want to visit his DGP otherwise he’s going to resent you and you risk damaging your relationship with him.

A friend of mine was forced to visit family in India as a teenager, had a miserable time (heat, illness, language barriers) and he has never gone back, hates the place.

But he’s one of the most loyal kind people I know, and has a great sense of family responsibility and connection to his extended family in this country - the people he actually knows and can form a connection with.

Ahhh. OP seems to have done one so to speak.

God. I'm glad you're not my parents. You sound bloody awful.

Your son is your 'family' too - more so in fact than the elderly grandparents. Put him first.

FFS

Don’t blame him. I utterly dislike India too, remember spending many a boring childhood holiday stuck in various relatives houses being bitten to death by mosquitoes which would swell up like crazy, getting the squits was a given, it’s so dirty and they treat women so so badly. And the heat and humidity we’d be drowning in sweat the second we set foot off the plane.

Haven’t been as an adult.

Will not go as an adult either.

Funniest thing was when my FIL excitedly told me he was taking his family to India, he’s English. I smiled and nodded along to his plans all the while thinking why on earth would you do that?

Another’s YABU.

He has huge anxiety and a phobia about travelling to India.

You know ^ this and you're hell bent on forcing him to go? What parent would even consider doing that? I've been to India twice and there is not a person in the world that could force me to go back as I was ill both times I went. It's my idea of hell and filthy, no bloody wonder he doesn't want to go.

YAB totally U! He's an adult and should be able to decide what he does. He's been with you many times before and got seriously ill, so why would he want to go now on a trip you admit is lonely and boring? I know it's your parents and that you probably feel embarrassed and bad that he doesn't want to go, but he's an adult now and you can't dictate what he does and where he goes.

you are blackmailing him..and emotional and financial abuse. I would hate to go to India too

I totally understand where your son is coming from, but I do also understand the culture and the expectation of basically unconditional respect to elders.

Unfortunately it's unreasonable for you to try to force him to go. It's sad but there's really nothing you can do about it. India will be hot and boring for him and that's speaking from lots of personal experience as an adult.

My in-laws live in India and we visit them and the the rest of DH's family annually. I'm pretty laid back but even as an adult I can't get though a fortnight without a couple of 'I hate this place' meltdowns! When our DC become teenagers in the future I can imagine encountering similar issues and resistance as you are facing.