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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU - my son refuses to visit grandparents in India

118 replies

Nev1lle00 · 03/07/2018 23:15

My 18 year old son refuses to visit my parents in India. He is the only grandchild and last saw them 5 years ago. He has had gastroenteritis each time he has travelled there and it is boring for him as they are old , infirm & hard of hearing so communication is a problem. No young people his age or that he feels he can relate to. But we feel he needs to see his extended family & cannot cut himself off. He has huge anxiety and a phobia about travelling to India. He is still financially dependent on us as he goes to university . Would it be unreasonable to withdraw all support unless he agrees to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nev1lle00 · 04/07/2018 06:09

I went in March this year when my mother had a leg ulcer. Before that I was there in January when my father developed pneumonia.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 04/07/2018 06:10

Why is he ill every time?

Original poster
Nev1lle00 · 04/07/2018 06:13

We have suggested he takes a friend, offered a trip to a nice hotel etc but he says NO to all these options.

OP posts:
Battleax · 04/07/2018 06:13

I was pretty sympathetic until I got to the last sentence of your OP.

Of course you can’t cut financial support or make it contingent on his obedience! What an awful message that sends (about your relationship with him, about visiting grandparents being a bribable chore...)

Let him skip it for a couple of years and he’ll probably resume visits of his own accord once they are truly voluntary and he’s a bit older.

In the meanwhile can you find a way of phrasing a broadly truthful explanation that makes it sound as though his aversion is to flying?

Imchlibob · 04/07/2018 06:19

It's not "selfish" to refuse to do something that you know will make you extremely ill. It's extremely selfish to expect someone to make themselves ill against their will.

Fundamentally it seems from your posts that you neither love nor acknowledge the personhood of your son. He's not a pawn to be played in a big game of family politics. Loving parents prioritise the health and physical wellbeing of their child as more important than the feelings of their parents and older relatives. Decent parents also respect the rights of their 18yo+ DC to make their own decisions. Yes your student DS still needs financial support while he completes his education. Parents normally do this because their love their child and want them to thrive as adults, not as a way of retaining coercive control over them for a few years more before they can achieve full independence - that is the path to losing him from your life and family completely.

headhurtstoomuch · 04/07/2018 06:20

How long are you expecting him to go for? Can his trip be shortened. Getting sick on one of these trips is truly hideous and it's not uncommon each time.

Can understand his reluctance but can also see why you'd want him to go. Reach a compromise without cutting him off financially.

Battleax · 04/07/2018 06:22

Has nobody invented something effective for gastroenteritis yet, BTW? I find that mildly surprising.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2018 06:22

I think you need to reconcile that your ds is too scared to go and your parents are too frail to come. Two valid reasons. Get your parents set up on Skype and ask your ds to talk with them a couple of times a month. If they can’t do that ask him to write to them. Does he not communicate regularly with them anyway? If not, you’ve not done your job.

SummerGems · 04/07/2018 06:23

The concept of family is overrated.

These are just people related to him by virtue of the fact they’re his parents’ parents. Other than that they’re not family to him and he owes them nothing.

I grew up abroad and there are family members of mine I wouldn’t know now if I passed them in the street. So what? If they were just people left behind then nobody would bat an eyelid, but because they’re grandparents people feel there should be this special bond? Why? They weren’t that special to their own children who moved half way around the world from them so why should he feel any kind of obligation?

Fengshui · 04/07/2018 06:26

Are you staying with them? Is the expectation that the whole trip be centred around 'visiting family' which means obligation after obligation?

I have family abroad and I have to mix it up for my DH and my two sons by;

a) -staying somewhere (not in the family home) so they have their own space, and can chill out with their own thoughts

b) breaking up the intense family visits by having a couple of little touristy trips away that they want to do- water parks etc (they are only little)

c) protecting them from the intense familial expectation that they / we will behave like performing seals on the endless merry-go-round of family visits

If the trip was going to be like that, and not staying with family, intensely involved 24 hours a day with family would this be more appealing for him?

historyismything · 04/07/2018 06:27

YABVU. I would advise you son (assuming that he knows about what you said re: financial support) to speak to the university; surely they will help he apply for support and complete a CV therefore not needing to rely on you for support.
I supported my grandparents out of choice, your son is choosing not to for valid reasons. You should listen to him.

KoshaMangsho · 04/07/2018 06:31

Indian here. With grandparents there. I am shocked at your attitude. My sons are young. But I would never ever ever force them. You cannot force relationships. He has no tie to his grandparents. He can’t speak to them. What does he gain from visiting them? What do THEY gain from forcing a young man to fall ill whom they can barely talk to?

So what if he is old one day? I don’t get why old age means you can be unreasonable.

Also. I find this Indian obsession for ‘family’ ridiculous. Indian families can be loving and close knit. Or oppressive and demanding.

And you are his parents. You are meant to do things for him. It’s not a relationship where you bargain. Be careful how you play this or else once he is independent he will cut himself off from you too.
You sound horrible and I feel very very sorry for him.

PS i go to India because I have aunties and uncles and friends. Not just my parents. My sons come with me because they cannot be left behind. But those are MY relationships, not his.

Bingpot · 04/07/2018 06:34

OP I don't think you really believe all the posters on here. You seem to think you're in the right when the entire thread is in agreement that you're being horrifically selfish, not your son.

I understand you're hurt he doesn't want to go but you yourself have described it as a phobia. He is afraid to go. And with good reason, it makes him sick. In all honesty it sounds like he will struggle to communicate with these elderly frail relatives, so I'm not sure what you expect him or them to get out of the visit. It sounds like you want him to fly across the world, to a place he hates with good reason simply for the sake of it.

What you and your husband want isn't important - he's an adult and he makes his own choices. He's given you good reasons for refusing. So back off and don't threaten to withhold money for his education just because you don't get your way. That's appalling, selfish parenting.

GnomeDePlume · 04/07/2018 06:40

Just how ill, worried about getting ill, worried about being ill in public does he have to be before his feelings are important to you?

You have a sense of family with parents because they are your parents. But for him they are the parents of his parents so in terms of closeness they are a step further away from him. He didnt grow up with them. There is no point of connection except through you.

Making your support of him conditional upon him making himself ill and spending an extended period of time with virtual strangers risks pushing him away from you.

OliviaStabler · 04/07/2018 06:41

But we feel he needs to see his extended family & cannot cut himself off.

YABVU

You have so little respect for him that you don't care that he does not want to go? His desires on how he should live his life and who he wants to see mean nothing to you?

ApolloandDaphne · 04/07/2018 06:43

You are being very unreasonable. You can't force another adult to go somewhere against their will. This is one sure way to push your DS away completely. There are other ways he can be in touch with his grandparent without actually visiting. Phone calls, Skype, letters and photographs.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/07/2018 06:43

You talk about how his grandparents are too old to travel and you seem to accept that because of this they aren't unreasonable in not traveling to you (and I agree!) but you also said He has huge anxiety and a phobia about traveling to India.. I do understand that many people use the word "phobia" when they really just mean dislike and that anxiety can be anything from being a bit nervous to full-blown panic attacks but I wonder if you are a bit guilty here of not taking his mental health seriously? What are his phobia and anxiety symptoms? Is he actually capable of going on the trip you're suggesting without it further traumatizing him? Have you properly considered what the experience will be like for him from his perspective? Is it possible you are ignoring the seriousness of his response because you don't really accept mental health issues as being on par with physical health issues or you think it's just an excuse for him to avoid doing something he doesn't want?

londonrach · 04/07/2018 06:50

Yabu and vvvv nasty to your poor son. Terrible.

gingergenius · 04/07/2018 06:50

Wtaf??! Yes yabvu
They are YOUR parents. Presumably you made the decision to move away from them so to your son, they are really just your parents rather than his grandparents. It sounds like he has virtually no relationship with them. Exactly how is he 'benefitting' from this family connection.

To cut him off financially as a form of emotional blackmail/coercion is disgraceful.

gingergenius · 04/07/2018 06:52

Sorry by that I meant that he doesn't have an emotional connection to them, not that they are literally not his grandparents!

Bananamanfan · 04/07/2018 06:53

You & your dh have brought this on yourselves. How much effort did you make during his childhood to ensure that he didn't get ill and to make the trip enjoyable for him? I imagine he already has resentment about this. The fact that you are trying to force him into harm's way now must be incredibly hurtful.

Kingsclerelass · 04/07/2018 06:56

YABVU and very foolish.

Your ds is an ADULT and very shortly - two or three years - he will have the option to walk away from YOU.
I put up with a lifetime of parental bullying but as soon as I had my degree I didn’t go home at all. I was FREE. I would have lunch with my mother but my father & I never spoke again. So be careful what you wish for!

Shortstuff08 · 04/07/2018 07:10

One day he will grow old too. But he has such a phobia re India, he says he never wants to go there again.

And I imagine if it makes he grandkids ill, to visit him, he will be understanding about that.

auntyflonono · 04/07/2018 07:13

He needs to focus on his education, talk to him about it again when he has finished.

strawberrypenguin · 04/07/2018 07:17

YABU. Your son obviously doesn't have a close relationship with his grandparents no matter how hard you find this.

Do they ever make an effort with him - writing/emailing/phoning or is all the emphasis on him?

Can't he just FaceTime or similar?

I wouldn't be keen to go somewhere I knew I was going to get ill either.

I can't believe you'd consider withholding money to force him to do what you want. If you posted that your DH was treating you like that you'd be (rightly) told he was abusive.