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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Boyfriend stopping over

62 replies

Mooxxxmooxxx · 10/05/2018 14:45

Just a general question to see what other mothers think is right as far as letting their daughters boyfriend stop over, eg. What age roughly would you allow it and how long would they have been together. My daughter and her boyfriend are both 16 and been together for 8 months and she hasn't asked yet but I'm assuming the question will come up soon and would like to see what other moms think

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/05/2018 17:17

My own view in my house is a bit old fashioned because I don't allow boyfriends/girlfriends to stay overnight even though my kids are late teens.

To be honest it makes life easier. Imagine this scenario - my daughter brings her boyfriend back for sex. they split up. she brings another man back to the house for sex. they split up. she brings another man back to the house for sex. Yada Yada Yada . Before I know it, I've allowed my child to bring a string of men back to the house to have sex with.

Nah, a blanket ban is a lot easier.

As I said though - I'm a bit old fashioned.

Fairylea · 10/05/2018 17:21

I completely agree with the poster above.

My dd is 15 and she will not be allowed to have boyfriends to stay. Ever. The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable.

housingadvice123 · 10/05/2018 17:22

I agree with the above posters to. Blanket ban is easiest

DownstairsMixUp · 10/05/2018 17:24

I wouldn't want it, same reason as first poster really plus it's my house, I don't want to wake up to a teenage boy in house, I like to walk round comfy and that's somethings in small clothes when it's hot etc things like that and I don't pay bills to not do as I please in my house.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2018 17:28

My two were going to university, so I said once they'd left home, they could bring a boyfriend/girlfriend home and they could sleep in their room. Until then, they couldn't.

It stopped the whole idea of someone casually stopping over after a night out and it meant I didn't have to worry about other parents worrying about their child staying over.

Teenageromance · 11/05/2018 18:15

Another one with a blanket no for now. Plenty of time when they are older.

HipsterAssassin · 12/05/2018 14:34

My dd has just asked for this. She is 15. He barely says anything to me and hasn’t so much as stayed for dinner (too shy). So the answer from me is no. Not appropriate. I know I would just feel uncomfortable in my own home. When she is 16 I might re-consider though.

Teenageromance · 12/05/2018 15:37

Dd has a boyfriend that’s a non talker. Equally not willing to feel awkward in my own home.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 12/05/2018 20:33

Bit of a different view here. DS is 17, his GF 16 and they share a bed both in my house and at her parents when he stays there. They have been together for 15 months.

I found out that they were having sex last year and after chatting to DS about the implications of this and things like contraception, respect and feelings I realised how serious he was about this girl. I also spoke to GFs Mum. We decided that they were going to have sex anyway and whilst I wasnt that comfortable about it to begin with it felt like the right decision to allow them to sleep together.

There is no awkwardness now, she is almost part of the family and I have got used to it. Having said that I wouldnt allow one night stands and both my boys (I also have a 19 year old) know that I decide who sleeps in my house and they have to ask first - even if its a mate sleeping over. I would want them to be in a relationship for a good few months before their girlfriend stayed here.

But at the end of the day it is your house and your rules. What I would say is that if you have 15/16 year olds you decide this now and make it clear how things are going to be so there is no misunderstanding!

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2018 20:38

I have a 13 year old. At the moment I feel I would allow it once she is an adult and in a long term serious relationship. Certainly an absolute NO while she is still at school.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/05/2018 20:39

I think I will probably say no while she is a teenager.

princesspeppax · 12/05/2018 20:47

My now DP and i have been together since i was 13, and he was not allowed to stay in the same bed with me in our house until i was nearly 17 and by then family had got to know him fairly well and we it was a more serious relationship

yummymummyheretohelp · 12/05/2018 22:44

My dd is 15 and my ds is 17. I've always preferred them to bring people home so I know what's going on. If not who knows if they are going to be having sex in dodger toilets. I would rather have them home. Also I think that being open about everything is easier, rather then having my dd and ds lying to me

Leeds2 · 12/05/2018 22:51

My DD was 17. She had been going out with her the boy friend for a while though.

WhiteFreesias · 12/05/2018 22:57

DS is too young for this to be an issue but his friends are always welcome to come over and stay now. I think over 16 and not a ONS seems reasonable.

I've never stayed in the same bed as my oh in my ILs. We met at school, have been together 30 years and are married. They aren't the least bit religious but had very puritanical views towards sex before marriage. They came to stay in our house before we got married and asked if we'd not share our bedroom out of respect before them. I was nearly 30 and no fucking way was I getting into bed with mil. Nice enough people but very, very odd.

PeakyPolly · 12/05/2018 23:03

I said 18 years old or relationship of a year’s duration... whichever came first. It was a rule for the eldest really because I didn’t want the younger two to suddenly be joined at the breakfast table by a randomer,
Now my youngest is 18 and we have stuck to the same rules,as my elder two have commented how pleased they were to have boundaries clearly defined.
What I would say though is that you can’t dictate the rules at DC’s partners parents house and some of my friends DC basically stay at the parents house with the most liberal views. Grateful that didn’t happen here.
Also, to those who say they are going to have sex anyway so why not facilitate it in a safe environment, I miss the fumbles in bus shelters, back of the car etc. I see that as part of growing up. You will hopefully have years in a double bed!

Fifthtimelucky · 12/05/2018 23:11

The first time this came up for me was in the summer between my older daughter's 1st and 2nd year at university. She was 18 and he was a couple of years older. They'd been together for 6 months. I let her choose whether he shared her room or had the spare room and she went for the former.

Younger daughter first had her boyfriend overnight at 17. They had also been together about 6 months and were still at school (and still are). I took the view that if they were going to have sex, they might as well do it somewhere safe and comfortable.

So far each of them has only ever had boyfriend stay the night. I like them both and don't have a problem with them staying.

Loandbeholdagain · 12/05/2018 23:24

My parents allowed my bf to stay over from when we were 15. They didn’t have any rules about it. We are now married. So I don’t think it’s a given that allowing your daughter to have a bf stay over will mean they bring a string of people home.

Maverick66 · 13/05/2018 00:12

No I just didn't 'allow' it. I felt if they are allowed bf's or gf's to stay then life would be a bit too cosy for them.

What would be their incentive to move out and get their own home?

pallisers · 13/05/2018 00:17

Mine are 21, 17, 16.

I don't have a "blanket ban" as such but would not let a 16 year old have her boyfriend or his girlfriend sleep over.

Not only for the excellent reasons that notsuchasmug gave but also because - especially when they are younger - I wouldn't want to encourage that close a relationship. For a 16 year old, my feeling is you don't need to be sleeping over/becoming part of the family etc. It puts too much pressure on young people to stick with a relationship they may be outgrowing.

That said, I also agree with this:

I took the view that if they were going to have sex, they might as well do it somewhere safe and comfortable.

But my take on it is you can do it in your bedroom/the basement living room in the evening - no need to stay over.

MrsJasonIsbell · 13/05/2018 00:24

My daughter has had a BF since18 and she's now 20. He stays here on the 2 nights a week my youngest is at her Dad's and has done for the last year or so. I think it's ok if it's a serious relationship and you trust them to be respectful of the home and that they're pleasant. If the partner wasn't prepared to eat a meal with you, wash up their dishes etc it'd be a no from me!
It's so hard for young students to move into their own space financially and I'm a single parent do this is the best I can offer.
Plus, young love is a wonderful thing and a safe place is arguably better than the alternative....
If it was a casual relationship I would not entertain it.

Petitepamplemousse · 13/05/2018 00:27

16 fine for a serious relationship I think. That was my mum’s rule and didn’t end up doing it until 18 but I appreciated being treated with respect. My sister had hers to stay at 17 and I know she appreciated being allowed to develop a healthy loving relationship sleeping in a cosy bed with her serious BF rather than having a fumble in a park. I’m thankful for having had liberal 21st century parents.

MakeItStopNeville · 13/05/2018 00:30

We said no sleepovers until they went to Uni and then only with a serious girl/boyfriend. I didn’t want the younger kids seeing a procession of random partners.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/05/2018 00:46

Our rules were that it has to be legal, they have to ask us first, and not on a school night.

In practice that has meant DS1(24) has had 2 long term girlfriends stay over. DD(22) has had 3 longterm boyfriends stop over and DD2(18) has had one girlfriend over. They have dated lots of other people who haven't progressed to staying at our house.

If you raise your children to be respectful then they are not going to parade a succession of partners through your house. And to expect your adult kids not to sleep with their partners is just weird.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/05/2018 00:51

And i don't think it's going to warp our youngest to see the older ones have steady boyfriends and girlfriends sleep over.

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