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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Boyfriend stopping over

62 replies

Mooxxxmooxxx · 10/05/2018 14:45

Just a general question to see what other mothers think is right as far as letting their daughters boyfriend stop over, eg. What age roughly would you allow it and how long would they have been together. My daughter and her boyfriend are both 16 and been together for 8 months and she hasn't asked yet but I'm assuming the question will come up soon and would like to see what other moms think

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 13/05/2018 08:57

Just realised that I left a word out of my last post - I should have said that they have each had only one boyfriend stay over.

The older one's boyfriend stays for a week or two at a time. He doesn't live in the UK. The younger one's stays one night at a time. He lives about 5 miles away, and tends to stay if they have been to a party together and are sharing a lift.

vampirethriller · 13/05/2018 09:02

With my first boyfriend his mother let us sleep in the same bed when he was 19 and I was 20.
My mother still doesn't let us have partners stay and we're all over 25.

pigeondujour · 13/05/2018 09:17

They came to stay in our house before we got married and asked if we'd not share our bedroom out of respect before them. I was nearly 30

Jesus Christ. Rude horrible fuckers.

My dd is 15 and she will not be allowed to have boyfriends to stay. Ever. The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable.

Ever? Hope you're comfortable with her never ever wanting to stay with you then. I wouldn't see my parents, overnight or not, if they had that attitude towards me.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/05/2018 09:22

Our dses have girlfriends staying over at 17+.

No way would I have a blanket ban. I want my kids to be happy at home and always welcome their friends/girlfriends.

Although we have said no one night stands, it hasn’t been applicable as they’ve all had long term relationships from 16.

Kate123cl · 13/05/2018 09:23

My boyfriend and I were together for a month and my parents let him stay over, initially in a separate room until I was 16. (So he was sleeping over in a separate room for a month) and then in the same bed when I was 16. We've now been together for 4 years this year and my parents consider him as part of the family. I guess it depends on how comfortable you are with them. His parents are different though and only just started allowing me to stay over but I never feel welcome so don't chose to. From experience, the more lenient you are with them, the more they'll stay around your family. I chose to never stay at my boyfriends just because we have more freedom at ours and both feel more comfortable Smile

Teenageromance · 13/05/2018 13:24

Isn’t that very young Kate to be in such a serious relationship. I do wonder if allowing sleepovers just makes the whole thing far more serious and like being married than is healthy at this age.

Kate123cl · 13/05/2018 21:41

@Teenageromance sorry but no I don't agree. My parents were together since 16 and still going strong to this day. Really not sure how age makes any difference? Our relationship is perfectly healthy but thanks for your concern.

SirVixofVixHall · 13/05/2018 22:46

I wasn’t allowed to share a room with DH until we were married, even though we were living together and both in our thirties. I didn’t even ask actually, I let my Mum choose where to put us. I knew that they wouldn’t feel ok about us sharing and that was fine. DH’s Grandmother would put us in the same room but not with a double bed.
When I was in my late teens I had an older boyfriend who put me under great pressure to sleep wit him. I really didn’t want to. Having parents who wouldn’t let him stay over, or me stay at his, was actually helpful, in that it gave me an excuse. He was very manipulative, a horrible person, and as I was young and he was my first boyfriend I didn’t know how to deal with it. So sometimes having a no boys over rule can help girls who are being put under heavy pressure to be sexual before they are truly ready.

Teenageromance · 13/05/2018 23:11

Kate - keep an open mind though that there may be something more adventurous for you to do.

LanaorAna2 · 13/05/2018 23:24

As old as possible. Several families I know have had an extra teen virtually move in, which isn't great. Then their DS/DD - inevitably - goes off the relationship, but everyone's stuck with a teen who prefers their house to his or hers. Or worse, has officially moved in and has nowhere to go.

Way too heavy to handle as a teenager, let alone the parents. Home needs to be home for teenagers, not a love nest gone wrong.

youokayhun · 13/05/2018 23:24

My mum never allowed my bf to stay over, not at all, even though when I moved out of my mums it was to my first house that we had just got a mortgage on, I was 20. Got on my nerves at the time but has a very liberal father so stayed there a lot/at his parents sometimes. He could have stayed over my mums but would have to stay in my brothers room! My brother is 19 and has the same rules, he has to sleep downstairs if he wants his girlfriend to stay in his room.

BitOfFun · 13/05/2018 23:46

On the twelfth of never. I'm not running a knocking shop...Wink

Seriously, I think that facilitating real intimacy between teenagers is a bad idea. They have important exams etc, and I'd hate to think I'd intensified the heartbreak that is so characteristic of that age.

I know they may well have (hopefully safe) sex at that age, but I don't want to provide a venue for a very adult relationship with all that entails.

pallisers · 14/05/2018 00:29

Seriously, I think that facilitating real intimacy between teenagers is a bad idea.

I kind of agree with this. I have a few friends where their teens have gotten into very serious relationships from the age of 15 on. What I notice is often the mothers are more invested in the relationship than the kid eventually - especially if the other person is a nice decent kid - it seems safer than their teen going out and potentially meeting someone less nice and less safe.

I've seen one friend nearly lose it with her son because he dumped his high school girlfriend and started dating someone he met at work age 18. She came over to me to calm down and stop herself making another screaming phone call to him. She was way too invested - he had been with the girl since 14 and the mother liked her and was kind of enmeshed with her. Another friend was telling me that her son wants to break up with his girlfriend but she is advising him that he should wait till after prom/see how he feels/maybe he is just stressed. he is 17 for gods sake, if he wants to break up, he should break up. If it turns out to be a mistake - that's a learning moment for him.

I wouldn't want my teen in a serious relationship at age 16. If he/she was, then I'd not be encouraging the intimacy further by being fine with sleepovers. Tbh I couldn't imagine how my 16 year old would fit it in - or tolerate another human in her room - after she is finished homework/rehearsals/clubs/work/activities/going out with friends etc.

Kate123cl · 14/05/2018 09:19

@Teenageromance Adventerous? But I've travelled around a lot of the world with my partner and we're constantly out and about? Sorry but I'm struggling to understand your point.

Teenageromance · 14/05/2018 09:29

As palliser says Kate - far too serious too young.

PasstheStarmix · 14/05/2018 09:32

I was allowed boyfriend to stay over at 18. I think I’d be make comfortable with my own dc when 18. 16 seems abit young.

PasstheStarmix · 14/05/2018 09:32

more*

PasstheStarmix · 14/05/2018 09:34

Actually I was 19 not 18, again over 18 I think is okay.

IceSwan · 14/05/2018 09:42

At 16 I'd had my boyfriend for a year who was very sweet and polite. He lived in another town so he was allowed to sleep downstairs and me upstairs.

I remember thinking this was RIDICULOUS and would sneak down to him. However I can't imagine being ok with it now I'm a mother myself

MaMisled · 14/05/2018 09:44

Both my DDs were allowed their boyfriends to stay over when relationship hit the 6 mths mark. Nice lads. I'd much rather they felt they could be together here. I always want my DC to feel happy, supported and comfortable in their own home and will always do all I can to keep them feeling that way

claraschu · 14/05/2018 09:47

My boys, 22 and 20 have each had 2 long-term girlfriends stay over. I try to make our house comfortable and welcoming for all their friends, and I know they wouldn't ever have a string of casual girlfriends coming to sleep over.

SeraphinaDombegh · 14/05/2018 10:05

Baffled the PPs trying to convince @Kate123cl not to be in a serious relationship as a young adult. Some people couple for life in their teens. Many don't. That doesn't mean we shouldn't be happy for the ones who make it work! Confused as she said, you can have plenty of adventures as a young couple if you're able to compromise and have similar outlook on life.

Kate123cl · 14/05/2018 10:11

@SeraphinaDombegh Thank you for that! Happiness can be found at any age!Smile

Loandbeholdagain · 14/05/2018 10:17

What a load of rubbish. I travelled, got a degree and post graduate degree, started a business ALL after getting married at 19. Being in a serious relationship as a young adult isn’t for everyone but there’s no reason it stops you from achieving or enjoying life.

ellsbells2 · 14/05/2018 10:25

I'm surprised people allow it at 15 when it's not even legal. I know people have Dec at this age, I did myself, but I wouldn't have expected my parents to facilitate it!