Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I've ruined my daughters life

110 replies

Lisaloo14 · 25/03/2018 12:34

I feel so guilty. I moved my daughter away from our life in Cheshire where she loved school, had loads of friends, was doing brilliantly, and she was really happy. Why? because I wanted to move back to my home town in North Yorkshire. I love it here, I'm surrounded by family and friends and have a job I love. My daughter is lonely her social life is non existent, she hates school and has nothing in common with other kids there. I have justified the move thinking in 6 months time she'll be right as rain, she's a lovely girl (one of the 'cool' kids) she'll have loads of friends and love living here as much as me. It's been almost a year, she's had friends and fallen out with friends (as they do) she mostly sits in her room and watches vampire diaries. Parents evening informed me she's doing well at school and the biggest problem is she is so quiet. All previous parents evenings at her other school the biggest problem is her talking and laughing - I miss that. She's not interested in joining 'clubs' and forcing friendships. I hate what I've done to her. Financially I'm not in a position to move her back, what's done is done.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 25/03/2018 12:39

How old is she?

AgentProvocateur · 25/03/2018 12:42

What age is she? If she’s still in primary, I’d give it more time. If she’s in secondary, and doing exams, I’d see if there was any way at all that she could go back. I know you say you’re not in a financial position to move back, but is there anyone she could stay with?

Whirlytastic · 25/03/2018 12:44

My parents moved us from one end of the country to the other when I was 13. That was 33 years ago, and I remember the trauma very clearly. It was a horrible disruptive experience for me and I never felt I fitted in. I know it won't help to hear this, but it wrecked my teenage years and damaged my confidence for a long time. Other people will I'm sure be able to share more positive experiences though.

cheshiremama89 · 25/03/2018 12:50

My parents did something similar, and I never really got over it.

My grades didn't suffer but I became a total introvert and threw myself into studies.

Missed out on growing up with peers I trusted and so by the time I got to college and uni I went AWOL - boys, drinking you name it!

I would see my old friends on social media years later and feel robbed, that that was the life I should have been living.

BastardGoDarkly · 25/03/2018 12:51

Need to know her age really op

NorthernSpirit · 25/03/2018 12:56

Has she maintained contact with her dad? Does she see him as much? Could she be missing him?

SavoyCabbage · 25/03/2018 12:59

Presumably a teenager as it’s in teenagers.

We moved continents when my dds were ten and thirteen and it was hard for them. The younger one, who I wasn’t really worried about as she was quite confident really struggled and two years later I still don’t feel like she’s as happy as she was before.

My oldest started high school a term into year seven knowing nobody and knowing nothing and she managed to find herself in the right friendship group for her and was happy from day one.

Original poster
Lisaloo14 · 25/03/2018 13:00

Oh dear this isn't sounding very good. She is 13. She goes back every other weekend to see her dad and her friends and in holidays etc. She doesn't want to go live with her dad - me and her are very close and have a lovely relationship. She's not being difficult or complaining (I think that's the hard part) it's like she's just accepted that this is her life and that her happiness is linked to when she goes back to see her friends.

OP posts:
LIZS · 25/03/2018 13:03

Sounds like it is still early days and there is a cultural shift to negotiate . Has she joined groups, sports clubs etc.

flowerslemonade · 25/03/2018 13:07

I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't beat yourself up. You did the move with the best of intentions and you thought it would be fine. Could you speak to her about it and ask what would help? What about a different school?

Original poster
Lisaloo14 · 25/03/2018 13:08

She's not interested in joining any groups of any kind (believe me I've tried) We spend a lot of time with family which she enjoys. I just want to see her laugh and have friends and things to do.

OP posts:
sinceyouask · 25/03/2018 13:10

LIZS, it's been almost a year. Op has already said that her dd is "not interested in joining 'clubs' and forcing friendships".

Op, I feel for you both, as you're clearly a nice and caring parent who genuinely feels for your dd and isn't doing that awful "they'll just have to buck up and get on with it! No matter how sad they seem it will be fine!" thing that so many adults seem to do re children who are made unhappy by adult choices. And your dd sounds lovely, isn't complaining or creating drama, but obviously isn't very happy at all.

Is moving back really not an option? Would a school change be a possibility- and if so do you think it could help at all?

SavoyCabbage · 25/03/2018 13:12

Yes, you need to help her expand her social circle. I had mine in various clubs almost as soon as the plane landed and they both have friends that don’t go to their schools.

Think outside the box a bit to try and find things where she might meet like minded kids.
Climbing
Sewing
Drums
Netball
Hockey
Athletics
Art
Trampolining

Also, there are probably various things happening at school both at lunchtime and after school.

Byebyebye · 25/03/2018 13:12

Honestly I think you’ve taken a lot away from your daughter for selfish reasons.

Whirlytastic · 25/03/2018 13:12

cheshiremama, I was just the same - threw myself into studying as a way of coping, and a route out of the isolated rural area we'd moved to. Got into a good university and never looked back, so there is a happy ending Smile

My parents, though, never understood the problem. They loved the place they'd moved to, and entirely assumed that what was a good decision for them would be good decision for me. They couldn't conceive of it being otherwise. They still don't. (It remains a touchy subject with them even after all this time. I guess no-one wants to be confronted with the fact they've treated their children badly.) I vowed I would never make my children move, and I haven't. I do realise, though, that sometimes moves are necessary and even positive!

kimanda · 25/03/2018 13:14

I know this isn't very helpful, but I would NEVER have uprooted a child at such a vulnerable age as 13.

Can you move back?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/03/2018 13:15

It will take time. Maybe going "home" nearly every weekend and holidays isn't helping as she still sees that as home? Could her dad visit your new area sometimes?

Clubs and groups for her are a good idea or inviting school friends over to you on weekends? Sleepovers, cinema or something?

There's no point beating yourself up now. She's at a difficult age anyway so some of her behaviour (lying in her room watching vampire diaries) is something my teens might do.

I think it will take a year or two to adjust.

JaneEyre70 · 25/03/2018 13:16

You're a bit stuck OP now, because if you go back she won't have the same friendships with people, they will have moved on. And you will resent her for having had to move back.
I think you need to be really honest with her and say you're worried, and how can you help. Making friends is a lifeskill that we all need, and maybe she just needs a little extra help from you with it.

billybagpuss · 25/03/2018 13:17

Do you do any clubs. Could you maybe join a gym together that perhaps some of her school colleagues might be members of that whilst not 'forcing' a friendship necessarily might just open up other avenues?

thebluenailbrush · 25/03/2018 13:17

i think you need to find some way to move back . I personally would concentrate my efforts on that path and how to do that.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/03/2018 13:17

Sorry just seen she doesn't want to join clubs!

I don't think it's helpful to call OP selfish and say you'd never do that to your children. Sad It's hardly constructive.

User14567891 · 25/03/2018 13:18

I moved schools when I was 13 and it was pretty traumatic but after a couple of weeks I made friends at school, although no one I’ve kept in contact with after school. I’d already moved a few times before that so didn’t have friends I’d grown up with to miss and was used to adapting to fit in.
My boyfriend never moved schools and still sees friends from nursery. I want my kid to have friendships like BF so will try not to move him if I possibly can.

Now that you have moved her, I would bend over backwards to help her to maintain her long-term friendships. Can she go back every weekend rather than every other? If she is doing well at school she is probably not too unhappy there. If she can live with you in the week and then have her social life and friends back home at the weekend, that’s the obvious solution.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 25/03/2018 13:19

Honestly I think you’ve taken a lot away from your daughter for selfish reasons Hmm, I know a mum's place is in the wrong, but I think that's extremely harsh, presumably the mum who pays the bills has to have support and a job and nearby family is a good move often to stabilize these things.

I am a homebody so moving away from the area I like would be stressful. However, on MN all the time, people recommend moving for careers etc and I really don't think many men would be advised to stay put and not get a great new job in case their 13 year old daughter doesn't like it. I do think people under-estimate how much moving can upset children of all ages, it can teach resilience but it can also be hugely disruptive at a time when their friend making abilities and general environment can be really difficult.

However, if your dd won't join any clubs and is not keen to make new friends, I don' t know what you can do. I don't think moving back would be the answer, I suspect those friends have also moved on and the imagined brilliance of being in that social circle would not actually match reality. I guess the next big moves are 6th form and university, or into an apprenticeship or work, and I would focus on helping her stay steady through exam periods and then make good choices from then on in.

Nightshiftmad · 25/03/2018 13:20

Good idea maybe girl guides or scouts would be good. My child has made good friends outside of school. I'm sure in time she will make good new friendships. Don't blame yourself to much you made the move for the rights reasons for your family.

trashcanjunkie · 25/03/2018 13:21

Would she try horse riding? A local school where she could go and help with the horses after school? That was a lifeline for me when I was a kid that moved and felt lost. Also if possible I would try to arrange for her to spend some weekends with you so she has chance to integrate during ‘downtime’.