I've ruined my daughters life

[Lisaloo14]

I feel so guilty. I moved my daughter away from our life in Cheshire where she loved school, had loads of friends, was doing brilliantly, and she was really happy. Why? because I wanted to move back to my home town in North Yorkshire. I love it here, I'm surrounded by family and friends and have a job I love. My daughter is lonely her social life is non existent, she hates school and has nothing in common with other kids there. I have justified the move thinking in 6 months time she'll be right as rain, she's a lovely girl (one of the 'cool' kids) she'll have loads of friends and love living here as much as me. It's been almost a year, she's had friends and fallen out with friends (as they do) she mostly sits in her room and watches vampire diaries. Parents evening informed me she's doing well at school and the biggest problem is she is so quiet. All previous parents evenings at her other school the biggest problem is her talking and laughing - I miss that. She's not interested in joining 'clubs' and forcing friendships. I hate what I've done to her. Financially I'm not in a position to move her back, what's done is done.

I would try to look at it differently. Yes, she would prefer to still be in her old life, but in life things change, and sometimes you just have to get on with it and make the best of it. I think there's an important life lesson here and if you think carefully about how to deal with the situation, you could hopefully help your daughter realise this and help her to be that person who in the future can take things more easily in her stride. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I think taking a different perspective on the situation could help turn things round at a time when your daughter is starting to learn some of those skills that will be needed when she gets older.

Yes, I'm sorry. You've torn your daughter away from her father, her friends, and her entire life so that you could be closer to your own family, and at a particularly difficult age.

I would consider moving back. Or forcing your daugher to do things (of her choice) - I don't know why you allow her to just shut herself in her room and watch TV.

Move back. I cannot emphasize this enough. Or at least let her live with dad.

I feel your plight. But during our kids' teens (at any age BUT ESPECIALLY their teens) their wishes, dreams, goals, and needs trump those of their parents (unless there is just an opportunity you simply cannot reject- but this doesn't seem to be the case).

The move back will be hard on you. But can you just make a 5 year plan to stay put in your former area or at least have her live with dad until she finishes secondary school?

This really, really won't get much better, OP. Sorry to be blunt but I am being honest. She won't magic up any joy. If it hasn't happened by now, it won't.

You've done what's best for your family unit as a whole.
That's an interesting take on it. I really am not slating op, she sounds like she cares very much indeed, and made the move with the best of intentions. But I don't see how this move can be seen as the best for the family unit as a whole- unless I've missed op saying there are other siblings who have found the move beneficial, it sounds as if the family unit is just op and her dd?

I would argue strongly again the suggestions here to further limit dd's time with the friends she does have. I don't understand parents who think that way, at all. In any case, that would mean dd doesn't get to see her dad, wouldn't it?

My parents moved us from one end of the country to the other when I was 13.
Best thing that happened. It took a while to make friends, but I did, and my grades improved too.

Your DD may need a bit of extra support from you while she makes the transition. But kids are remarkably resilient.

I think the OP has kind of made her bed and has to lie in it I'm afraid as there isn't a magic wand she can wave to make it better. Seeing as moving back isn't an option, but all isn't lost as things may come right in the end.

The thing is she was uprooted just at the age where the influence and significance of parents is transferring to the peer group. If she was settled and thriving socially it's a shame that had to be obliterated. Particularly for a young girl as wider society has this annoying and pernicious habit of knocking the crap out of girl's self esteem. Iirc a report last year concluded that this gap starts to be measurable from the age of 6.

I know this sounds harsh, and I'm only being so hard on behalf of other parents considering moves at a similar time in the children's lives. I'm not saying never ever move, but children aren't considered enough in situations like this. The thing is the parent-child relationship is the only major relationship that is involuntary (from the perspective of the child obvs!), and thus parents have to hold themselves accountable to a higher standard of behaviour than a friend/partner as the option leave exists.

My guiding star once my child is old enough to be an adult would they look back and reflect and feel they couldn't have chosen a better parent? I find this question helps in examining questions of this nature.

To the OP you are in damage control mode I'm not sure how long there was between the relationship breakdown and the move? If it was short she has had a tremendous amount of change to process and the loss of an old life to grieve for. As children we crave the safety and security our parents provide and when a parent is responsible for diminishing that it damages the credibility of that parent, like I said couldn't be a worse time as her peer group were starting to usurp your parental influence.

What I'd zero in on with your daughter is her self esteem, my guess is she is feeling like a failure, and because she loves you she doesn't want to undermine the happiness you have acquired post move. I'd be inclined to approach her honestly and reflect that you feel like you made the wrong decision, and you would never have countenanced the move if you had realised the impact this would have had, and ask her to unpack her feelings even if that means she expresses emotional negativity about and towards you, take it on the chin and start working on what she needs to do to rebuild herself.

Fwiw I don't think you are a bad mother as I suspect you were in the position of having to choose the least worse option here, as it's clear you love your daughter deeply as she does you. As hard as this post may be to read (and if I'm way off base just ignore it as Internet ramblings!), put a pin in the guilt you are feeling as I suspect it is contributing to an emotional/communication blockage with your daughter. Best of luck and I hope it works out.

Lots of helpful (and not so helpful) advice, especially encouraging more sleepovers and vIsits to the new home for new friends and old.
I just want to add that if you'd stayed she may also have opted to spend many hours in her room watching Netflix, mine do.
Talk to her, you both sound lovely and seem to care about each others happiness a lot.

It's possible the move coincided with the beginning of teenage angst anyway. The secondary school years are the most fraught.

Is there any possibility she could spend every weekend with her DF, and maintain a social life with her friends that way?

I moved at rising 13, admittedly with a sister. We certainly did not fit in (having come from a rural small town still really a child, to a more sophisticated city where our peers were already dating, allowed much more freedom, more rebelious and into pop culture. We were teased and felt stupid but were teased for being swots. We did develop friends ( from church and music) but it took a while. It did come right in the end - we both studied and looked forward- although that feeling of not fitting in and being a bit of a country bumpkin still affects me at times. 6th form was much easier, although that was back when it was chosen rather than compulsory- so we mostly all wanted to learn!.
I don't know how to best help your daughter, if she doesn't want to socialise or join clubs. Its good she is keeping up with her old friends, but maybe also she needs things to help her look forward . If she has an interest or skill could that be encouraged by staff at school ( I know it is trickier at 13)! Perhaps getting involved in charity ( national citizens service if old enough) or helping others might help her feel valued outside of home?

Lots of good ideas here (and some not so good ).
It seems to me that at present your daughter is not making much of an effort to settle in the new area or school or social life, and any improvement in any one of these areas would make her life happier.

Meanwhile, and until dd accepts she will actually have to make an effort to join in, because it's what people do, I think OP's best course would be to continue suggesting things they could begin to do together in their new locality.

Kids are resilient, as various posters have said. I certainly was. But I was also a sad teenager, and the experience shaped my personality for a long time. It's not the end of the world - people cope with all sorts, and do fine. It's just not to be under-estimated, that's all, the impact of a significant move at this sensitive age.

I can’t believe how much shit the OP is getting! People move. Teens are moody. This is not news. OP is clearly a great mum and doing her absolute best. She posted here for suport and all she’s getting are dramatic horror stories of how moving ruined people’s lives. She has already said that moving back is not possible. So all you are doing is making her feel worse. Just...why?

I fucking hate Mumsnet sometimes.

Also, I think it’s easy to blame your parents for screwing up your life. But with all due respect, if starting a new school as a young teenager was enough to set you off course permanently, things weren’t going to go well for you no matter where you lived. There’s no way that moving house as a child should be affecting your mental health decades later, bar possibly very severe bullying, which is not the case here. You’re all just idealizing the path not taken. We all do that sometimes, but it’s not healthy to dwell on it. At some point you need to be responsible for your own happiness and stop blaming your parents. You’re not overweight and depresssd at age 30 because you switched schools at 13.

OP - have you sat down with your dd and come up with a plan for how she might get to know people in the new place? It might be worth doing something as specific and in a way contrived as that. It sounds like that because she is still half-part of her old social life that is sustaining her 'enough'. It might help if you helped her focus on developing new friends in quite a planned way - so for example, inviting one or two kids in her class over for pizza and a movie, or having an end-of-year party, or an easter party or something like that. It sounds like it would be good if you actively did this.
In terms of others saying you shouldn't have moved - just ignore them because you've moved now, and you say you can't move back so I think as active an involvement in getting your dd up and running at developing a social life might go some way towards helping things.

You’re not overweight and depresssd at age 30 because you switched schools at 13.

No, but as an outsider I was an obvious target. I was horribly bullied. For my accent, my clothes and music choices, as the tastes in the new area was different and for having to get used to a new curriculum just as I started my exam years. From moving to a top, city school to a large but small-town (in size and attitude) school where all the friendship groups and cliques had already been formed for the previous 2 to 3 years.
The whole episode came at the wrong time. If we'd moved when I was 11 it probably would have been a different story.

Teen years are difficult. You could never know if you'd stayed where you were that she might have just become quite, less bubbly naturally. I didn't move at 13 but dynamics changed at school, friendships shifted, people changed. Most 13 year olds think a lot about themselves and their differences and similarities to others. Your daughter's sense of belonging is still tied to her old group. She doesn't want to lose that or change anything.

I'd just like to chip in with the fact that starting in year 9 I started to have a very challenging time at school and we had not relocated. It's often a very challenging phase anyway. I desperately needed a change of school but I do not resent my parents for not making that possible.

And you can't ruin a life that has barely started.

I suppose I'm saying don't make this into a bigger thing than it actually is.

Could you invite a couple of her friends up for a weekend and do lots of fun things to start building some positive feelings/memories about the local area and your new house?

If she's unhappy, can she not go and live with her dad?

And you can't ruin a life that has barely started.

The fuck you can't.

DistanceCall, I think that was meant in the context of moving to another place. Not saying a child's life can never be ruined, of course it can. But not by being moved to another part of the same country and visiting old friends often. Hard yes, but hardly life shattering.

I know what she was referring to. But what adults often forget is that what seems normal to them can be devastating to children.

Also, I think the OP is forgetting that her child has been living through a divorce. First her parents separate, and then her mother takes her away from the only home she's known, from her father and her friends and her life. Everything that seemed certain and secure to her is gone. It's got to be devastating.

I think moving was a serious mistake. Children deserve a certain degree of stability.

distance Children have far far harder things happen than divorce and a move, and come out the other side just fine.

In my opinion, always putting kids first is a big mistake. When parents are unhappy, that has a big impact on their kids too.

Giving them love and support and helping them adjust goes a long way in helping them in difficult circumstances, and I think that this is what is lacking in so many children’s lives.

I’d wager that all the people who were ‘devastated’ by a move in their lives either did not get that love/support, are romanticising what was left behind, or are blaming everything in their lives on one thing that happened, rather than a general pattern. Happy, well-adjusted, confident children do not have their lives ruined by one event.

The long-term effect - being withdrawn for a few years, never quite belonging, having to cope with bullying- was in my case mainly the result of emotionally clueless parents, not the event itself. (Of course - it's not the move so much as how it's handled.) The OP is not like that and wants to help her DD - so they will be fine.

My mum did this.
I moved back without her as soon as I was 18.

Most families cannot stay put on the say so of one child.
That isn't how life works
As much as I hated moving when I was a kid I am not sure what they could have done.
They needed to move.

Its ridiculous to expect the OP to pack up and move on the say so of a child.
There are ways of managing this.

As Whirly says the damage is usually done by lack of understanding.

I am astounded some would give such a young child that amount of power. Children don't need the burden of that sort of responsibility.