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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I've ruined my daughters life

110 replies

Lisaloo14 · 25/03/2018 12:34

I feel so guilty. I moved my daughter away from our life in Cheshire where she loved school, had loads of friends, was doing brilliantly, and she was really happy. Why? because I wanted to move back to my home town in North Yorkshire. I love it here, I'm surrounded by family and friends and have a job I love. My daughter is lonely her social life is non existent, she hates school and has nothing in common with other kids there. I have justified the move thinking in 6 months time she'll be right as rain, she's a lovely girl (one of the 'cool' kids) she'll have loads of friends and love living here as much as me. It's been almost a year, she's had friends and fallen out with friends (as they do) she mostly sits in her room and watches vampire diaries. Parents evening informed me she's doing well at school and the biggest problem is she is so quiet. All previous parents evenings at her other school the biggest problem is her talking and laughing - I miss that. She's not interested in joining 'clubs' and forcing friendships. I hate what I've done to her. Financially I'm not in a position to move her back, what's done is done.

OP posts:

Bythebeach · 25/03/2018 13:21

I think you should consider moving back if at all possible. It is especially hard if she still regularly visits her old life when visiting her dad - it’s a disincentive for embracing new friendships. You can always move again for yourself when she is 18.

bigKiteFlying · 25/03/2018 13:22

It will take time. Maybe going "home" nearly every weekend and holidays isn't helping as she still sees that as home?

I wondered this as well or at least slowing down the intergration in the new place.

My were bit younger than this but we moved, mid yr6 for eldest, and TBH they have never looked back and we were really worried that are shy quiet children would seriously struggle.

If she's not interested in clubs and activities to meet different people I'm not sure what to suggest but ride it out and give it more time.

ivykaty44 · 25/03/2018 13:22

Thing is you will never know what would have happened if you stayed...

My dd changed a lot and by year 8 was a different child that left year 6 and we didn’t move.

Is there a reason your dd doesn’t want to join clubs? Why does she think this would creat forced friendships?

Whirlytastic · 25/03/2018 13:24

I am massively resentful of my parents, for a whole variety of reasons - this is a big one, but it isn't the only one. I felt so adrift and unheard and alone (obvs teenagers feel all this stuff extra intensely!)

It felt like I was just a bit of baggage dragged along by my parents. If they'd said at any point, we know this is shit for you, what can we do to help make it easier? - that would have gone a long way. The fact you are concerned enough to have posted this shows you are very different to my parents!

Situp · 25/03/2018 13:25

By best friend moved from the Midlands to Cumbria at the same age. It took her a while but she found her tribe eventually.

Instead of constant trips home, would it be possible to invite some of her friends from her old home to stay?

Take them out to the coolest place your new home has to offer and help her build some positive associations.

If she has confident friends, maybe their presence will also help her feel better about socialising.

Nightshiftmad · 25/03/2018 13:25

On a different note the old school says "she talks to much" the new one says "she's to quiet" can a mother ever win? 😂

facelessvongorgeous · 25/03/2018 13:28

This is interesting for me as I'm planning a move at a similar age for work, but it's in several years. Most posters have highlighted my worries quite starkly.

Pigletthedog · 25/03/2018 13:29

I too wondered if going 'home' to see her dad is actually making things worse. There may also be the issue soon that she won't 'fit in' there either too, once her old friends start to grow up and move on. Which will be awful but may also actually help in the long run.

When I was 13 my parents moved us from the house and village I grew up in to a town about 20 miles away. It was the making of me. I went from a very large county school to a much smaller school in a town and I loved it and made lots of friends across my whole year. So that's a positive story

However, negative or positive stories don't actually help you op. Is there a way her dad could visit her at yours? Sort of explore the area with her, help her learn to see it as home?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/03/2018 13:30

Perhaps because it was raised by her teachers that she was quiet and reserved you could ask if the school have a counselor your dd could speak to? Just as she doesn't seem herself since the move.

That might help if she has found uprooting traumatic and wants to speak to someone impartial?
I don't know she might be like most teenagers and say that's too "cringey".

upsideup · 25/03/2018 13:30

Did she not got any say in the move at all?
I know that you're the one paying for the hosue but honestly if you decide to have kids then you need to consider their feelings on things like this.
You didnt have to move due to work or financial reasons, you moved purely because you wanted too. 13 is a really vunrable age and its going to do some damage to her, can you really not find a way for her to move back?

witchofzog · 25/03/2018 13:32

The op can't halt the trips back to Cheshire though as this is when she sees her dad too.

Op this is a bit of a long shot but if she really really hasn't settled in at school and you don't think she ever will, is there any possibility of changing schools and trying again? This might go one of 2 ways. Either it will be even more disruptive or it might result in her meeting a whole new set of friends. It's tricky

Somerville · 25/03/2018 13:33

Of course you haven't ruined her life. Teenagers catastrophic hie and it really isn't necessary for their parents to do so too.
Loads of kids move house and area. It happens. She's lucky in that throughly her visits to her dad she is not leaving behind any of her old friendships. But I suspect that staying connected to old friendships means she's not lonely enough to be bothered to go make new friends.
Just keep spending time with her, gently encouraging her, and supporting deductions which will lead to more friendships. School residentials are one - they're often massively bonding experiences; is there a school trip abroad you can offer to let her join in with? Or do they do Dike of Edinburgh?

DaphneduM · 25/03/2018 13:33

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it will have been a massive culture shock for her. She sounds lovely and it makes it even sadder that she is not 'acting out' like a lot of 13 year olds do. She is having to cope with the divorce as well as the change of location. Are you sure there aren't any underlying bullying issues at school? Maybe you need to have another long discussion with her and explain that you are concerned that she is not happy and in an ideal world what would she like to do? If she says 'move back', you could explain that financially you would not be in such a good place, but if your daughter is that unhappy in Yorkshire it may be the best option. You obviously do not under-estimate the seriousness of the situation and need to take action. Your daughter's happiness has to come first, as you have recognised.

User14567891 · 25/03/2018 13:33

Also you definitely haven’t ruined her life. She’ll probably cope better and find it easier to make friends when moving to sixth form (and university if she goes) than if she’d spent her whole school life being comfortable with the same friends.

StargazyDrifter · 25/03/2018 13:34

I was also that 13 year old, struggling with a big family move and feeling isolated and alone. As someone else has said, all of this impacted badly on university to start with. Sometimes it still lingers.

I get that she doesn't want to do clubs and activities. How about charity? Perhaps the focus on helping rather than fixing her own 'issue' would help reframe this, help her think of something was for a bit? I know she's very young, but there might be things you can do together? Have a look on do-it.org. Or, if you're nearish to the sea, check if there are plastic-related groups, or some kind of conservation stuff? You can then also give her the. If picture reasons for why it all matters etc.

What really helped me was reading. A smart English teacher gave me some books that really hit home and, although I wasn't any better off, I felt more comforted and not like the only person with this sort of issue. What also really helped me was our dog. Not because I made any friends walking it, but because it made me get out and have a good look at our new town every day. Eventually you start to see things you like.

LIZS · 25/03/2018 13:35

Does she take music lessons, enjoy drama, gymnastics, dance etc ? Has she had a birthday so could do a cinema trip, sleepover etc with friends old and new. Friendships don't need to feel forced. There are often week long workshops in holidays which will be a mix of children from different age groups, schools and locations. Are there any other kids within the family or friends she could hang out with?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/03/2018 13:35

OP, relax. She has friends, with her dad. She has you. She is doing well at school. She will make her own adjustments

It simply is not true that every kid that moves away from friends feels uprooted, hard done by or is permanently damaged by it... honest! Many people more than survive moving... some even enjoy it, even as teens.

Unless your daughter starts avoiding you, tells you she hates you and wants to live with her dad, it is not unlikely that she has decided to make the most of the move, to settle down and stop being so bloody noisy in class!

Talk to her. Keep communicating. Ignore anyone who tells you you were selfish to move! They'll be the same as those people that spout 'a happy parent makes a happy child' - a tad trite, narrow in their thinking!

StargazyDrifter · 25/03/2018 13:36

Typos, sorry. What I meant was you can also give her the bigger picture for the charity issues, so it's not just picking up litter on a beach but all the stuff about how it goes into the food chain etc. Something that links it to a wider context.

Whirlytastic · 25/03/2018 13:37

Somerville Are you my mother?! You sound like her. Yes, my life as I knew it was ruined by moving 300 miles away to a very different sort of place when I was 13. There was nothing positive about it at all, beyond turning me into studious (though sad and angry) kid, and I guess making me independent and resilient. My own teenage DD is also learning independence and resilience though, in a much less brutal fashion.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 25/03/2018 13:37

With support, there’s no reason she can’t flourish. It’s the kids that are left to ‘get on with it’ that end up friendless and resentful, I’d say.

Being able to adapt is crucial in life. This is a great time for her to learn that sometimes you have to do things you’re not that into in order to survive.

Steamcloud · 25/03/2018 13:37

There's no "right" answer to this op - so easy as it is to say - try not to feel guilty.

Presumably, you moved for good reasons. Away from family support and a good job, you may have been unhappy. And an unhappy mother is not good for a teen either.

On the other hand, it is impossible to be happy when your daughter is unhappy.

Speaking as someone who has sacrificed time with my own family/good career to live where we do - it's not a black and white issue - life is complex.

I think Whirlytastic has great advice.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/03/2018 13:37

Could she be interested in horse riding OP ?

CotswoldStrife · 25/03/2018 13:38

Does sound a bit like you spend all your time with your daughter with the people you want to spend time with and not the ones she does, OP.

Can you really not move back? Although the friendship groups may have changed a bit if she sees them every other week (and that's a big journey for her tbh) and in the holidays she may pick them up quickly.

Dvg · 25/03/2018 13:39

unfortunately i went through this at 15 when my mum moved us from Hampshire to Devon,
I drifted into depression as i could never make any new friends and could never get on in school.
Ended up in college, got 1 qualification then dropped out of different courses multiple times as didn't have any interests anymore ( used to horse ride with my friends and go to the beach and forest in the summer etc)
Ended up getting a boyfriend and spent every day and night on my PC playing games. Gained tons of weight and have spent the last 7 years wondering what might had been if i had stayed in Hampshire and i kept my childhood friends.

it was only 2 years ago my life started to look up as i got the most amazing partner and now we are expecting our first child but honestly.. before i met him i wished i had never moved.

Whirlytastic · 25/03/2018 13:40

Btw I tried horse-riding. We'd moved to a very horsey area. Didn't help. Sorry

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