I've ruined my daughters life

[Lisaloo14]

I feel so guilty. I moved my daughter away from our life in Cheshire where she loved school, had loads of friends, was doing brilliantly, and she was really happy. Why? because I wanted to move back to my home town in North Yorkshire. I love it here, I'm surrounded by family and friends and have a job I love. My daughter is lonely her social life is non existent, she hates school and has nothing in common with other kids there. I have justified the move thinking in 6 months time she'll be right as rain, she's a lovely girl (one of the 'cool' kids) she'll have loads of friends and love living here as much as me. It's been almost a year, she's had friends and fallen out with friends (as they do) she mostly sits in her room and watches vampire diaries. Parents evening informed me she's doing well at school and the biggest problem is she is so quiet. All previous parents evenings at her other school the biggest problem is her talking and laughing - I miss that. She's not interested in joining 'clubs' and forcing friendships. I hate what I've done to her. Financially I'm not in a position to move her back, what's done is done.

It would never occur to me not to do or to do something based on the friendships of a 12 year old. You've done what's best for your family unit as a whole.

12/13 year olds are very fickle and its likely that she would have had the same situation with falling in and out of freindships had you stayed anyway. Is it is she still gets to see her old friends.

She'll be gone to uni anyway in a few years and will have completely different friendships.

Also agree with horse-riding/dog suggestions!

When I was 15 my parents moved from a house I loved to a bigger one on the other side of town and even that was traumatic for me!

It also coincided with me moving on from an established friendship group to a new more exciting but challenging one, that eventually drifted away from me.

The two experiences combined made me introverted and to not really want to go out anywhere for almost two years. My parents just let me get on with it though until eventually I just got my confidence and enthusiasm back.

I think your DD just needs time to be allowed to adapt without feeling under pressure to integrate, as long as you let her know that you love her and care about her, which you seem to be doing already.

Do they do Dike of Edinburgh?
Best typo ever!
misses point of thread altogether

It’s really unfair to move without considering the children or consulting with them. I appreciate sometimes it can’t be helped but when there is a choice it should be a family decision. Did you consider how it would impact on your daughter at all ?

Laughing very immaturely at Dike of Edinburgh

Let's not berate the OP on her decision. Families move to new areas all the time and the children do adjust. It's about finding ways to faciltate that for the daughter.

An you bribe her to join some clubs in the hope she meets someone?

13yrs is a terrible time for friendships anyway OP. My dd, who didn’t move or have any disruptions had a terrible time with friendships that year. She moved away from one friendship group and struggled to find a new one. She was anxious, miserable and withdrawn. Now, she has settled brilliantly into a new friendship group (found her tribe as someone else said) and has regained her confidence.
The old friendship group are lovely to idealise from a distance but I bet there would have been falling out etc amongst them anyway - not because of your dd, it’s just a horrible age. Take heart that your dd may yet still find a good group of friends where you are, it’s unlikely you’ve ruined her life! You obviously care and have really tried to support her and help her find her feet, that will go a long way. Good luck to you both

I think people have been really harsh on you OP. You did what was right for your family.

Making friends is a skill and it is a bit scary but she has to put herself out there. Friends aren’t going to appear like magic unless she makes an effort.

Does she really not have any interests? None at all?! I think maybe you need a bit of tough love - challenge her to try one new activity a month perhaps, either at school or out of school. You could sit down together to write a list of ideas and make it fun. You could try new things too.

ByeByeBye unnecessary, and absurd.

OP - there will be some kids there that she has something in common with, she can't not have anything in common with anyone, she's still adjusting and probably isn't actively trying to make new friends due to pining for her old ones, she'll get there, I moved to a different part of the country when I was 11, took me a good long while to get settled.

OP does she really have nothing in common with her peers in school or is that her perception?
Is it worth speaking to school to see if they can help discreetly with developing friendships? I'm thinking of seating plans and working with others on projects etc.

OP said her happiness is linked to seeing her old friends at the weekend. Why are people suggesting cutting off her old friends are forcing her to join clubs??
From someone who has been in this position, please, let her do things that make her happy. Don’t force her to do things she doesn’t want to.
OP - Just talk to her and ask how you can help.

My parents did the reverse when I was 13. I hated them for it for years. With hindsight though, it was the making of me & I think my life would have been very different had we not moved

It's not always to do with having things in common though, is it. Teenagers can be very insular and not especially welcoming of things that are new and different - such as a kid from another part of the country who speaks differently. That can lead to bullying. That was my own experience - but doesn't at all mean that the OP's DD will experience similar. I mention it only because of this 'things in common' point. There are some parts of the country where someone new will be a bigger deal than others. At my DD's London comprehensive, it wouldn't raise an eyebrow.

We lived in a supposedly cosmopolitan town in Yorkshire for ten years and were still made feel like blow ins when we were leaving, do not underestimate how hard this is for her.

My DPs moved my sister and I when I was 14. I hated it. Failed all bar one of my exams and never settled in. I've still never forgiven them, it deeply affected my life for the next 20 years.

I hope your DD can find a better way to deal with this than I did.

We moved when I was year 7. We moved from city where I'd done nursery, first and middle school with same children. You started secondary in year 8.
We moved to a village (not tiny!) outside of that and started secondary school October half term. I'd never even done the whole transition thing and the school was in the adjacent town.

My peers had all been through primary together.

It was a culture shock! (Was youngest in school when I started!) also I was entering a place where long term friendships were already well established.
But this meant the friends I did make were real friends. They weren't people I just hung a round with for comfort and I continued my dancing in the city. It also meant I got to know the other kids in my local area.

Turned out well in the end. But there was a feeling of being the outsider for a year.

I don't think posts telling the OP she's selfish etc are at all helpful. People have to move for all sorts of reasons and staying could have been worse for them as a family.

I think you should give it more time. 13 is a difficult age - and girls and friendship groups shift and change a lot in years 7,8,9. Its not an easy time for anyone - girls can be friendly and inclusive at one stage and bitchy, cliquey and excluding at another (I've seen this with my own DC - now older). This could very easily have happened to her if she had stayed where she was at her old school.

I moved school and part of the country at a similar age. I took some time to find my friends and group but in the end I was really happy and I feel that it built my resilience and life skills when I look back at it. It also made me much more sympathetic to the people on the edge of groups who didnt quite fit in which meant I built much more interesting friendships and social life when I went to uni later.

Just give her lots of love and support and keep trying to encourage her to try new things. I'm sure you weren't just being selfish in deciding to move - having family and friends around has probably helped you be a better parent. So please don't put the blame on yourself (I know you will because thats what being a parent does to you). But we cant always make their lives be happy in whatever place or situation.

I've always believed that its not the easily popular girls who end up being the winners in life - they haven't learnt the skills to stand on their own two feet. Many I knew when I was younger turned into rather boring adults. And some dont have the resilience and confidence to cope when they go off to college or university and have to start again socially. I'm sure your daughter will - whatever path she takes. She will grow from this.

Have you moved from posh Cheshire to a not so posh bit of North Yorkshire? Kids can be quite excluding of anyone they (often wrongly) percieve as being a bit "up themselves". Something as innocuous as being confident and having a different accent can get you ostracised in some more insular areas. Could there be low level bullying stuff she's not telling you about?

What were her hobbies when you lived in Cheshire? It has been my experience that Drama clubs tend to be full of kids who struggle to fit in for whatever reason. Both my daughters have forged strong groups of friends from drama and happily welcomed outliers into the throng. Lots of quirky, less judgemental types at drama too.

Bouledeneige makes many excellent points.

Those saying you should consider children when you move, the thing is many people don't like it initially after moving, if they aren't the prime driver in the whole thing. I've found it takes more than a year to feel settled, and if the dd is going back on weekends to see dad/old friends most weekends, it will be hard to resettle initially.

But you can't build a family's happiness around one 12 year old girl, as someone else said. I know a family contemplating moving, who has three children, one wants to move a lot, one doesn't a lot and one is happy either way. They are all stuck. Ultimately it may have to be money or career or parental happiness that takes them in a new direction.

We moved when my youngest was about 8, and she hated it for 1-2 years. It was painful and I did worry about it. However, now she has new friends and a new life and wouldn't want to give them up for anything.

It's also worth remembering the teen years (12 onwards) are hard though, because previously confident outgoing children suddenly get spotty, grow boobs if a girl, and friendships and even relationships suddenly start looming large. Lots of children are super-confident at 8 and hiding behind the camera at 13. It's not clear that your dd would be the bubbly centre of attention aged 13 because it's a stressful time, and my experience even if she was, there'd be a few nasty ones ready to knock her down. Factions/breaking friends is really common in my dd's year. This is a painful time, but if you listen to her, and her solutions, then I think it will be ok.

How about a dog, OP? Would you and your daughter be able to cope with the responsibility? With lots of family nearby, can they help when you are at work?

A spell of home education to broaden her horizon beyond secondary school?

OP, this sounds very hard for you (and for her as well). 13 is a tricky age, I remember vowing to chain myself to the furniture when my parents wanted to send me to a new school at that age. While they didn't in the end, I think with mature reflection I would have been better off if they had, and it was my fairly bratty and emotional response that stalled it as well as them having to deal with so much else at the time.

13 is an age when friendship groups are really intense and can help with going through the changes that being a teenager can bring, so it must feel to her like all her peer supports have disappeared. BUT on the positive side you say she enjoys being around family, and that is really great. Are there activities you could do with the extended family and her that she enjoys, and then with time she might invite someone from school along to join in and that would help build up her friendship group? She sounds like a lovely girl to be so understanding of why you moved and I really hope for you both that things improve.

Well I would say that the fact that you are being attentive and caring about this will make a difference OP.
My DS was 5 when we moved and it caused him a great deal of upset. It has taken far longer than a year for him to find his "tribe". 5 years later he is settled and happy. Your daughter will be up against the fact that friendship groups will have been formed for a long time already.
She's obviously socially capable. I'd say all you can do is keep chatting to her about it, let her know you are there for her. If she still has close friendships with pals back in the old town maybe she doesn't feel all that motivated to make new ones?
Your relationship sounds lovely. I'd say she's very lucky to have you don't be too hard on yourself.

My parents did this and I never really got over it.
BUT it was fantastic for my DB and DSis. They thrived.
I think the major difference was that they did like joining stuff and got involved in sport and organised clubs.
I think thats the key. I know your DD doesn't want to join things but you may find something she likes.
My parents expected me to do the usual guides, swimming club type stuff and didn't bother to look any further than that.