I've ruined my daughters life

[Lisaloo14]

I feel so guilty. I moved my daughter away from our life in Cheshire where she loved school, had loads of friends, was doing brilliantly, and she was really happy. Why? because I wanted to move back to my home town in North Yorkshire. I love it here, I'm surrounded by family and friends and have a job I love. My daughter is lonely her social life is non existent, she hates school and has nothing in common with other kids there. I have justified the move thinking in 6 months time she'll be right as rain, she's a lovely girl (one of the 'cool' kids) she'll have loads of friends and love living here as much as me. It's been almost a year, she's had friends and fallen out with friends (as they do) she mostly sits in her room and watches vampire diaries. Parents evening informed me she's doing well at school and the biggest problem is she is so quiet. All previous parents evenings at her other school the biggest problem is her talking and laughing - I miss that. She's not interested in joining 'clubs' and forcing friendships. I hate what I've done to her. Financially I'm not in a position to move her back, what's done is done.

To put a more positive spin, my DD had to leave school because of bullying around that age, and went back and made a completely new set of friends who she is now very close to. I also know of other girls at school who have moved in year 8 or 9 and settled in fine. I think it's difficult at that age to realise that life is what you make it. It sounds harsh but no one else can change her life except for her. It took me until I was about 30 to fully grasp that! Perhaps if you are feeling bad about it it's reinforcing her helplessness. We moved in year 3 and DD hated it for a while, and I felt a bit guilty but now with that and recovering from bullying she says she feels much more equipped to deal with change and challenges in the future. It seems a way off but many friendship groups completely change at sixth form age anyway.

Selfish decision.

No point berating op's decision. I'm sure it felt like the best thing to do. And the fact she's posting for advice shows she cares very much and wants to support her daughter. She sounds a very caring mum.
I think it will take time and lots of support from you,op, but with a caring mum she stands a really good chance. I suspect all the posters saying it ruined their lives did not have parents that were prepared to offer the right support. And potentially they are less resilient than your daughter.

My son was 11 when we moved, we moved 5000 miles from his home, he didn't speak the language and we went from central London with its first world luxury to rural South America, where such luxuries are no longer available.

It wasn't easy but he embraced the new life because there is nothing else to do. He's 15 now and happy with his new life, he's adaptable and strong. When life throws you lemons you make lemonade. Support makes all the difference. OP is doing what she can for her daughter, nothing selfish about that. I agree with MrsDV, giving children that much power is harmful.

Honestly, if a childhood move is the most devastating thing to happen to you in life, you're very lucky.

Dear OP

As others have said - there are way worse things that can happen to you in life than moving - in England! Many families move abroad. My uncle was assaulted and the family lost their house when the kids were 12 and 14 and my kids have been through divorce. I had a friend who committed suicide and another who lost a parent.

You moved for good reason - to get family support for you and your family. Teenagers have a tough time, period - friendship groups change, they go through periods of fall outs and can be more moody and withdrawn, spending more time on their own in their room. That's perfectly normal. This could have easily happened if she'd stayed where she lived before.

She will learn to adapt but needs time. Learning to adapt and find new friends and being resilient are all important life skills. Don't beat yourself up for enabling that.

If you'd written here that you needed to get away from an abusive ex and toxic friends everyone would be applauding you moving.

As an adult we have to make rounded decisions for the good of the family - they are not simple and clean cut - not everyone can 'win' at first and one persons needs do not trump another's - they have to be taken in the round. It isn't easy taking these decisions on your own - it's not easy being on your own full stop. So you gravitated towards a source of support, which everyone needs particularly after a break up. So don't listen to those who judge you. They are not in your shoes.

Maybe get you daughter to visit every other week or space out her visits to give her new place a chance and give her space to settle. I'm sure she will come out of this shining.

It's not about giving a child too much power it's about considering the effects of your actions on your child. Which I'm afraid precious few parents do these days!

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't have moved, but perhaps the timing was a bit hasty if it was just after a relationship breakdown this girl was ripped away from a closer connection to her father, the friends that were probably her support network post divorce are now suddenly a world away. Just as giving children too much control can lead to problems, so can having no control whatsoever!

My parents moved me a lot as a child but the worst one was aged 13 at the beginning of what is now year 9. I was always an outsider and bullied mercilessly.

I've often seen threads on here by people planning a move which their teens are against. The usual response is that your future is more important and not to let frivolous teenage objections influence the decision -quite different from this thread.
So sad to hear of the lifelong effects on some.

The usual response is that your future is more important and not to let frivolous teenage objections influence the decision

I have to wonder how many of the life long effects can be traced back to that ^^ attitude!

Some people are naturally more resilient than others, sometimes that resiliency is less due to circumstances/timing and sometimes the most resilient of people are unexpectedly shaken to the core - human nature is unpredictable at times.

What is clear is that OP did what was best for her and what she thought would be okay for her DD, she didn't anticipate the impact that the move has had. I also suspect that had she posted on here pre move and said she wanted to move her DD away from her dad/school/friends not for work, but so that she (op) was closer to family there would have been some criticism.

OP, advising is difficult because without your DD's perspective it's hard to know what she might need. I suspect someone to talk to who she won't feel guilty about speaking the truth to, it may also be worth talking to her form tutor about her not settling in any way other than academically. Her sadness and her lack of desire to get involved may be linked, alternatively she may be reluctant to put down roots and build a life in case you rip her away from it again - in which case she might need to talk her fears through with a professional.