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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do you allow your 15 yr old DD to sleep over at a girls house you don't know?

107 replies

trickydickie · 19/02/2018 19:49

Dd asked if she could have a sleep over at a friends house for the friend's 15th birthday about a month ago. I had never heard this girls name before left alone met her. In Dd defence she never has friends back to our house and maybe only meets up with a friend once every 6 weeks or so. (whole other topic).

She does talk about friends so I am use to hearing the same 4 or 5 names from her. Though I have never heard my Dd even mention this girls name before.

As I said she did ask about this sleep over about a month ago. I just kind of ignored it as I felt unhappy about it. She said again tonight, "Mum, remember I am going to Jane's house on Saturday night for a sleep over for her birthday". I have asked her a few questions about Jane. She sits with her and others for lunch every day.

I am delighted she has been invited but I don't know this girl, have never met her. I wll drop her at Janes house but I am very uneasy about allowing her to stay over night. Different if I had met Jane a few times.

I have asked Dd to ask Jane for her Mums number so I can call her and just check it is ok for Dd to stay over etc. Obviously Dd is mortified that I would want to do this, and no one else's parents are doing this according to Dd.

Do you think Jane's Mum will think I am a rude cow phoning her and checking that it is ok for my Dd to stay there? Am I being unreasonable to say to Dd that she can only go if she gets me Jane's Mum's number or I can contact Jane's Mum to check all is ok?

OP posts:

lljkk · 19/02/2018 19:52

It's fine to phone Jane's mum & check "that all the details have been relayed correctly." Talk about drop off time & pick up time & what to bring & so on. Most parents would do this, ime.

tumpymummy · 19/02/2018 19:58

Totally fine to contact other Mum to check all is ok. I would do the same, and also it is to check practicalities which teenagers sometimes forget! i.e. what time does she need collecting? It shows that you are a parent that cares. I wouldn't think it weird if someone were to contact me if DD was having a sleepover.

BertrandRussell · 19/02/2018 20:03

I don't think I would at 15 and a school friend. Presumably your dd has a phone? Why would you need the mum's number as well?

Sparklingbrook · 19/02/2018 20:03

I wouldn't at that age.

When they were a bit younger I used to get them to ask friend's Mum or Dad to text me to say it was ok. Just in case friend had invited them without mentioning to the parents.

Sparklingbrook · 19/02/2018 20:04

Sorry, meant I would allow DC to go but wouldn't be ringing the parent. Might say a quick hi at drop off and ask when to pick up.

Steamcloud · 19/02/2018 20:05

I'd first ask some parents of dd's close friends if they know of this girl and her family. Then I'd call the mother directly. And no I wouldn't let my DD sleep over at a friend's house I didn't know and would make the sleepover conditional on covering all the bases first. "Jane" could be absolutely genuine or could fictitious and be the cover for a boy/a party/some other shenanigans!

superram · 19/02/2018 20:06

Yes I would but I would also ring the mum-to check that the girls are actually staying there. Surely we all told dibs and stayed st someone’s house we weren’t meant to? I probably didn’t but know everyone else did (boring old me).

Sparklingbrook · 19/02/2018 20:13

I have to say I have never had one of these calls. The children would just arrive and I might just say a quick hi to the parent before they drive off.

LizzieSiddal · 19/02/2018 20:20

Yes, I would phone Jane’s Mum AND I would pick her up around 11.30.

When they were 16 I allowed them more freedom not before that they didn’t stay at anyone’s home unless I knew them.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 19/02/2018 20:22

At 15 I most definitely didn't sleep where I told my dm I was.
Check for your peace of mind.

upsideup · 19/02/2018 20:25

I moved out at 16 into my boyfriends who my parents had never met. Shes 15 not 5, shes definately old enough to decide if she wants to stay round her friends house or not. YWBU to say dd cant go if she dosnt give you her mums number, definately.

Paperdolly · 19/02/2018 20:25

Definitely would check to say 'Thanks' to the mum for allowing your daughter to be there. 😉. Someone's mum rang me once and me and my OH were actually going away and my son had reluctantly said yes to hosting a party. He was quite pleased he'd been rumbled actually. 😂

I work with teenagers and their protests mean nothing but their safety is everything.

upsideup · 19/02/2018 20:26

Yes, I would phone Jane’s Mum AND I would pick her up around 11.30

I hope you mean you would pick her up at 11.30 the next morning, its a sleepover.

Sparklingbrook · 19/02/2018 20:28

If you don't trust your DC and they have a habit of not telling you the truth about their whereabouts that's a bit different.

Remote1candles · 19/02/2018 20:33

I've had parents ring or call around a few times when they've been invited around by my daughter and we'd not met them before. It's fine with me - no harm in checking that everything is above board. Teenagers might well be embarassed by parental caution but they will get over it!

I think when they were younger, we'd probably have met their parents or carers when taking to school etc, but as they get older they make friends without us being around. Whilst they are old enough to choose their own friends, there is still room for parental advice and guidance, which can include a bit of checking up now and then.

Pollyisinmypocket · 19/02/2018 20:34

Sorry may get some people disagreeing here but your DD is 15, in 3 years she’ll be allowed to go clubbing drinking etc, be at uni partying but at 15 she can’t sleep over at a friends house unless you know her? At 15 I had lots of friends I didn’t invite over to my house. I’d drop her off at the house so you can see where she is, check to see who opens the door to greet her, if it’s the other girl or Mum give a wave then leave. I’d be very embarrassed at the aged of 15 if my parents called other parents to check

INeedToEat · 19/02/2018 20:35

It depends if you trust your daughter and your own parenting skills to date.

I've allowed my 15 yr old son to stay at several friends houses (girls) as the only person staying and in a group (he is always the only male).

I trust him. I know I've taught him as much as I can about keeping himself safe, drugs, strangers etc (and through discussions I know he's listened). He's never given me a reason to not trust him.

BeachyUmbrella · 19/02/2018 20:37

I normally drop the parent a text, just confirming the invite and checking details. I always want a full address.

user1493413286 · 19/02/2018 20:41

I wouldn’t ring but when dropping her off I’d make sure I said hello to the Mum or dad just to make sure there will be a parent etc and that I know where she’d be

Mishappening · 19/02/2018 20:45

and no one else's parents are doing this according to Dd - parents of teenage DDs have been saying this for decades - you probably did so yourself!

Contact the mother.

grannybiker · 19/02/2018 20:45

Unfortunately my Mum used to believe me when I said I was staying at a friends when I was 15...
Always ring "Just checking pick up time?" or something similar now!

Mishappening · 19/02/2018 20:45

or even hearing this!

Original poster

trickydickie · 19/02/2018 20:47

Very mixed replies. I don't post looking for advice very often but will definitely have my hard hat on for the next time I do.

Thanks for everyone who was pleasant enough in their advice. I will have a think about what I will do.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 19/02/2018 20:48

I hope you mean you would pick her up at 11.30 the next morning, its a sleepover.

No I meant 11.30 in the evening. But, I’m assuming there are boys sleeping over too and at 15 I didn’t allow mixed sleepovers when I didn’t know the children involved.
If no boys are going to the party I would of course allow them to sleepover.

LizzieSiddal · 19/02/2018 20:50

Tricky do what you think is right. It is a very tricky thing but you’re the parent, you do have a say in what happens.

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