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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you allow your 15 yr old DD to sleep over at a girls house you don't know?

107 replies

trickydickie · 19/02/2018 19:49

Dd asked if she could have a sleep over at a friends house for the friend's 15th birthday about a month ago. I had never heard this girls name before left alone met her. In Dd defence she never has friends back to our house and maybe only meets up with a friend once every 6 weeks or so. (whole other topic).

She does talk about friends so I am use to hearing the same 4 or 5 names from her. Though I have never heard my Dd even mention this girls name before.

As I said she did ask about this sleep over about a month ago. I just kind of ignored it as I felt unhappy about it. She said again tonight, "Mum, remember I am going to Jane's house on Saturday night for a sleep over for her birthday". I have asked her a few questions about Jane. She sits with her and others for lunch every day.

I am delighted she has been invited but I don't know this girl, have never met her. I wll drop her at Janes house but I am very uneasy about allowing her to stay over night. Different if I had met Jane a few times.

I have asked Dd to ask Jane for her Mums number so I can call her and just check it is ok for Dd to stay over etc. Obviously Dd is mortified that I would want to do this, and no one else's parents are doing this according to Dd.

Do you think Jane's Mum will think I am a rude cow phoning her and checking that it is ok for my Dd to stay there? Am I being unreasonable to say to Dd that she can only go if she gets me Jane's Mum's number or I can contact Jane's Mum to check all is ok?

OP posts:
NeganLovesLucille · 19/02/2018 20:56

I have DD1(17) and DD2 (15). I would want to know the address of where she was staying. I would also make it clear that she could phone me at any time if she was concerned or felt unhappy. It is easy for them to say that they feel ill and need to go home if they don't want their friend to feel upset. I trust that my girls will be sensible and they have the courage to just ring me if they need to. At some point, they need to make their own choices within the safety net of knowing that mum and dad will pick up the pieces if necessary.

I have let them stay with friends that I do not know, but I trust them as they have given me no reason not to so far.

You know your child best. Would she ring you if she felt the need?

tumblrpigeon · 19/02/2018 20:57

I’d always text an unknown parent to check all ok and also to thank for the hospitality

Original poster
trickydickie · 19/02/2018 21:21

Lizzie - yes I am well aware I have a say in what happens, this is why I am posting this question. Thanks for letting me know what you did with your child/children before this.

Negan - thanks for your advice. Yes I do think she would phone/text if she was unsure about anything, worried.

Thanks for all the great and kind advice. No one ever said being a parent is easy. I appreciate people taking the time to give considered and helpful advice.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 19/02/2018 21:36

I have 3 dc, youngest is now 16, so obvs they have all been 15....

I have never had a call like that from another parent, so I can understand why your dd is mortified by the thought. Grin That said, I wouldn't have minded, or thought the parents odd or over-protective if they had phoned me, it has just never happened.

I think it depends on your dd. You know what they are like and you know if there is an element of doubt if what she is saying is 100% true or not (I'd have doubts with one of mine, not the other two, so I'm not saying that as a judgement).
I think, from the pov of not them lying, but them not knowing the parents / family / home, well, you wouldnt even if you did phone them, or she had been to the house before, so I don't think it makes it safer for her from that pov. You just have to instill them with the confidence and skills to trust their judgement, and equip them with a phone and the knowledge that you will come and collect them from anywhere, at anytime, no questions asked, if ever they need you to.

hidengosqueak · 19/02/2018 21:43

She's a teen. So whatever you do will be wrong but personally I like to be wrong and reassured my dd's are safe.even if they are angry with me and I would expect a parent to check.

PurpleCrowbar · 19/02/2018 21:54

I think it's totally reasonable to ask for other parent's contact details.

Then send a quick WhatsApp saying 'hi jane' s mum, Sarah's mum here, thanks for inviting her over!'.

When I was 15, honestly, I might well have been using 'sleepover at Jane's' to cover for 'Jane & I are off clubbing & speeding our tits off. With boys. & we will quite likely end up stranded, pissed & vulnerable in some dive at 3am'.

Meanwhile, Jane's mum would be under the impression that we were at mine, revising for our Latin exams & discussing whether Judd Nelson was fitter than Rob Lowe over our bedtime ovaltine.

I'd completely encourage the sleepover! But with the caveat that you/Jane's mum have each other's numbers. Let her think you are a fussy helicoptering PITA by all means. Present it as 'Yeah, I know, I'm sure you thjnk I'm being ridiculous, your grandparents were the same with me & jolly irritating it was too...once I've heard back from Jane's mum I'll leave you in peace!'

Thehogfather · 19/02/2018 21:55

I didn't do this in y7, I certainly wouldn't do it at 15. And I think she has a point when she says it's embarrassing.

I have the address, and I always tell dd that she should give the parents my number incase of emergency, but that's it. And I've not had any phone calls from other parents.

BertrandRussell · 19/02/2018 22:25

With my children I have always said "Imagine if you go missing. You don't want me to have to appear on telly saying that I had no idea where you were last night" They get this point!

MyDcAreMarvel · 19/02/2018 22:28

I would always call the parent even at age 16 if in year 11.

LemonysSnicket · 19/02/2018 23:10

At 15 I think she’ll be fine.
But I would wait to see who answers the door and see her walk in the door.

Just in case it’s a boys house/ a boys house is round the corner.

orangesticker · 20/02/2018 07:27

I would ask for parent phone number just in case of emergency. It depends on a few factors, has dd talked about this friend? - I feel I get to know her friends through her, I trust dd. She's not into boys yet or alcohol, we are fairly open minded parents and the dcs talk openly about the stuff that goes on - she would be reminded that we would be prepared to pick her up at any time if she wanted to come home for any reason.

BertrandRussell · 20/02/2018 07:46

We also had a code word they could text which meant we were to pick them up immediately.

Dd used the word last Christmas from a nightclub- she was 22! Grin

Steamcloud · 20/02/2018 08:33

I know I sound highly suspicious/lacking in trust, but how do you know that a girl who you don't know/ have never met answering the door guarantees safety? The parents could be away and there could be a load of boys already there or invited around. How do you know the girls will be staying there and not going somewhere else for the night?

duckingfisaster · 20/02/2018 08:38

I agree with previous poster - we have a code word he can text or use in a call if they need picking up immediately but don't feel comfortable (only used once years ago when DS1 stayed with some deeply religious people that made him feel really uncomfortable!).

I don't mind parents ringing me if teens are staying - but they don't usually. I often wish I could. I also use the iphone thing where you can see where they are (but I think he has forgotten!).

MsHomeSlice · 20/02/2018 08:41

I would be quite surprised if Jane actually exists!

This whole thing reeks of A Big Fake Plan to me, so definitely insist on getting in touch and getting details....and check them

I also used Bertrand's tactics..... the excuse of not wanting to be emblazoned all over the Daily Fail as a terrible mother who had NFI what the children were up to. I still use it now a bit....the baby is 20, but in the event of anything untoward I'd like to know where to make a start!

NotSoSprightly · 20/02/2018 08:43

Yes. She's 15 not 5.

Sparklingbrook · 20/02/2018 08:46

It is possible that in 3 year's time these 15 year olds will be off to University and you won't have a clue where they are staying the night.

Best to start building some trust with them sooner rather than later.

BertrandRussell · 20/02/2018 08:46

I have to say I find the lack of trust deeply depressing. I lied like a trooper to my dad because that was the only way I could get to do anything. Don’t make his mistakes!

Nyetimber · 20/02/2018 08:47

All of mine were 15 at some point. I would absolutely agree with making contact with parents to check there will be an adult present and their views on supplying alcohol to children. She will undoubtedly say it’s embarrassing but nowhere near as embarrassing as being referred to CAMHS by an ED doctor because of an alcohol related injury.

I would always phone to discuss arrangements but I knew most of their friends parents anyway. Single sex sleepovers with parental presence were OK at a weekend. Usually they just went straight from school on a Saturday but they didn’t happen very often as they’d been living together all week anyway.

General house parties with large numbers of children standing around (or indeed lying around) drinking and smoking whilst thevparents were elsewhere were not something I allowed.

Sarahh2014 · 20/02/2018 08:48

Make sure you speak to the mum.Its the oldest trick in the book when I was this age(mid 90s) it's what most of us said if we were going to a party,boys house etc

Sparklingbrook · 20/02/2018 08:50

I never lied to my parents. I don't think it's a given and I find the lack of trust depressing too.

Quaza · 20/02/2018 08:57

I would and did let my DC at this age.

Lisajane2810 · 20/02/2018 09:04

if its a name i dont know i would definetely want to check! my dd is 14 and its the same names and faces since year 7 and she stcks with them always so a new name would alert me and i wouldnt let her stay without checking thats where she was going.
when dd had just started high school she was hanging around with a girl and had planned to go swimming then stay at this girls not far from our house. hubby let her go before i finished work and i hadnt met them .he didnt realise. i remember the panic and made him drive me there to meet them. the girls gotback and i remember my daughter face was a picture i was there having a cuppa in their lounge! think that set the presidence and she knows ill check lol

metalmum15 · 20/02/2018 09:05

If you feel uncomfortable, check. I would. Who cares if she feels embarrassed, her safety is more important, life is going to throw plenty of embarrassing situations at her in the future anyway. My dd recently arranged a sleepover with a friend I'd never met, so I didn't ok it until I had word from her mum that it was ok. I wouldn't dream of rocking up on someones doorstep and depositing my child and they possibly know nothing about it! I had plenty of sleepovers as a child, but always with parents consent first as to who was coming.

Have you watched the Kayleigh Haywood video? With hindsight and all that.

LadyinCement · 20/02/2018 09:06

Oh, Sparklingbrook, sometimes it's fun to fib! I spent hours plotting with my friend at school. It didn't mean I didn't like my parents or that I wasn't close to them, it was just the thrill of the subterfuge. Some of our plans were very elaborate. We weren't particularly wild, but a couple of days truanting to go on a trip to London (we were 15) remains a great memory, and the scheming was a huge part of this.

Of course I tell dd none of this and that is why I would ask for Jane's mum's number - even if I didn't actually ring her to check that she existed...

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