Do you allow your 15 yr old DD to sleep over at a girls house you don't know?

[trickydickie]

Dd asked if she could have a sleep over at a friends house for the friend's 15th birthday about a month ago. I had never heard this girls name before left alone met her. In Dd defence she never has friends back to our house and maybe only meets up with a friend once every 6 weeks or so. (whole other topic).

She does talk about friends so I am use to hearing the same 4 or 5 names from her. Though I have never heard my Dd even mention this girls name before.

As I said she did ask about this sleep over about a month ago. I just kind of ignored it as I felt unhappy about it. She said again tonight, "Mum, remember I am going to Jane's house on Saturday night for a sleep over for her birthday". I have asked her a few questions about Jane. She sits with her and others for lunch every day.

I am delighted she has been invited but I don't know this girl, have never met her. I wll drop her at Janes house but I am very uneasy about allowing her to stay over night. Different if I had met Jane a few times.

I have asked Dd to ask Jane for her Mums number so I can call her and just check it is ok for Dd to stay over etc. Obviously Dd is mortified that I would want to do this, and no one else's parents are doing this according to Dd.

Do you think Jane's Mum will think I am a rude cow phoning her and checking that it is ok for my Dd to stay there? Am I being unreasonable to say to Dd that she can only go if she gets me Jane's Mum's number or I can contact Jane's Mum to check all is ok?

I was at work today as was DH. DS2 (16) spent the day at home. Or not. I honestly don't know, he was in bed when I left the house.
He was doing his paper round when I got home, and says he's been in all day .

I am not in the same country as my teens, they came home, fed themselves and did whatever, dh is due home at 10pm - they could have got up to all sorts - they knew they'd be in the house alone all evening.

See, I wouldn't have thought a quick text check with a parent that a sleepover with a girl you have never met is actually happening is "strict rules" for a 15 year old. By 16 I would be relaxing some more.

My teens would also be at home until 10 without a parent - that is entirely different to me. Yeah they could probably be up to all sorts but frankly they have too much homework on a weeknight to make that feasible.

I think if my teenagers and their friends were transported to life as a teen in the UK (well MN life in the UK) they would be gobsmacked.

I have a 17 year old son and a 14 year old daughter (+ 3 little ones.)

My approach is this...

I ask all the right questions. Who, what, when and where. Address, contact number etc. I talk about risks and consequences and respect for themselves and others and the law.

Then I tell them that I know that the best plans can go wrong and the best of us can make stupid stupid decisions. So if something does go wrong, or you do something stupid, PHONE ME! There is nothing that will shock me or make me love you less. I am your mum. Call me.

Drunk in a field and need to get home? Call me and I'll come and tuck you into bed. We'll talk in the morning.

Stuck somewhere dodgy you wish you wasn't? Call me and I will be there ASAP. No lecture.

Taken something and feel funky? Call me(and maybe an ambulance!) and we will sort it.

Regret or worried about something sexual and feel like shit? Talk to me. I will never judge you.

Hurt someone? Damaged something? Call me. I might not be able to fix it but I will stand by your side while you face the consequences.

Maybe I am wrong but if my dc find themselves in trouble, (which they will at some point) I want the first thing they think to be, call mum, she'll help me. I've told them that ultimately, all I want is for them to come home alive. Everything else can be fixed. We all fuck up at some point in some way. I don't want them to worry about how they can't call because they shouldn't have been at that house, or that I would think badly of them.

Do I like my 17 year old walking to McDonald's at 2am with 6 others after a party? No. But at least I know where he is. I know when he has got back safely. Some of his friends' parents think they are tucked up playing PS4 with a pizza because they would lose their shit if they knew.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong but I know my dc trust me, even if I can't completely trust them yet.

Maybe I am wrong but if my dc find themselves in trouble, (which they will at some point) I want the first thing they think to be, call mum, she'll help me.

In fairness, I'd say every single poster on this thread has tried to make sure their children think this. We just differ a bit in how involved or trusting we are at certain stages/ages.

Do you think we've answered the OPs Question then? 😂

I would want the parents number and for them to have mine in case of emergencies.
They mostly have their sleepovers at ours although from the volume of the talking very little sleep.