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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you allow your 15 yr old DD to sleep over at a girls house you don't know?

107 replies

trickydickie · 19/02/2018 19:49

Dd asked if she could have a sleep over at a friends house for the friend's 15th birthday about a month ago. I had never heard this girls name before left alone met her. In Dd defence she never has friends back to our house and maybe only meets up with a friend once every 6 weeks or so. (whole other topic).

She does talk about friends so I am use to hearing the same 4 or 5 names from her. Though I have never heard my Dd even mention this girls name before.

As I said she did ask about this sleep over about a month ago. I just kind of ignored it as I felt unhappy about it. She said again tonight, "Mum, remember I am going to Jane's house on Saturday night for a sleep over for her birthday". I have asked her a few questions about Jane. She sits with her and others for lunch every day.

I am delighted she has been invited but I don't know this girl, have never met her. I wll drop her at Janes house but I am very uneasy about allowing her to stay over night. Different if I had met Jane a few times.

I have asked Dd to ask Jane for her Mums number so I can call her and just check it is ok for Dd to stay over etc. Obviously Dd is mortified that I would want to do this, and no one else's parents are doing this according to Dd.

Do you think Jane's Mum will think I am a rude cow phoning her and checking that it is ok for my Dd to stay there? Am I being unreasonable to say to Dd that she can only go if she gets me Jane's Mum's number or I can contact Jane's Mum to check all is ok?

OP posts:
pallisers · 22/02/2018 00:49

Why is it one or the other? Don’t they have phones?

A phone doesn't tell you where your child is - unless you mean putting one of those tracking things on the phone (I would not want to do that).

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2018 07:04

"A phone doesn't tell you where your child is"

No. But your child uses the phone to tell you where they are.........

Sparklingbrook · 22/02/2018 07:06

I only commented about the 'in three year's time' thing because it goes remarkably quickly, from 15 to going to Uni. (Well it has for me)
If you build some trust at 15 then it will be an easier transition for all.

A lot of these children will be driving at 17 too. Another world of the unknown.

So you can say it's ridiculous to think ahead but it's not a bad plan.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 22/02/2018 07:10

DD is 14 and started High School (not UK) in September. Since then she's had 3 sleepovers in 2 different towns (not ours) The rules are:

  1. No, I don't accept "but it's all organized, you don't ring her Mum" I wait for "her mum" to ring me and confirm the arrangements.
  2. If the girls are going together on the bus to the sleepover, (or anywhere else) she rings me on arrival.
  3. If she ever feels like she doesn't want to stay, for whatever reason, she rings me up with "stomach ache" (not happened thus far)
  4. She rings me as soon as they wake the following morning

Same for when they are out and about at night. If it's anything other than an hour evening walk round town, I expect a message every half an hour or so. She goes to violin and Spanish lessons in the afternoons, and here (Italy) at 3pm there are only weirdos and pervs and girls going to violin lessons on the streets. She messages me when she arrives etc etc.

Demz the rules.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 22/02/2018 07:13

I agree Sparks.

I hope I have a firm, but trusting relationship with dd. She's hoping to go abroad for a year when she's 17 so I'm going to have to trust her pdq then!

christmaswreaths · 22/02/2018 07:49

I would check too. Even just out of courtesy, as some teenagers are disorganised and arrange things with their friends but forget to tell their parents.

I would definitely ring/text, for all the other reasons too. Or at the very least have the parents number handy, just in case..

dkb15164 · 22/02/2018 08:19

At 15 don't think you need to call. Has she got her own cell? Arrange a safeword so that if she feels uncomfortable about anything she texts that word with the stipulation being that you pick her up ASAP for a made up family emergency with a promise of no questions asked as to why she was uncomfortable. My mum did this with me and I used it a few times. Mum always said she'd rather me safe than sorry. Just casually ask who else is going and then call the friends mums that you already know if you're really worried. At that age in high school it is common for her to have friends you've never heard of before, the little circle she had at the beginning of high school has expanded.

BlindLemonAlley · 22/02/2018 08:29

No. But your child uses the phone to tell you where they are.........

Yes they can and it is very useful and reassuring that they can text or call to say they have arrived. This assumes that they are always where they are and that they will always tell you the full truth about what they are up to. I suppose this depends on the teen and they are all so different. I know friends of DCs that can do no wrong in their DPs eyes that regularly lie about where they are and who they are with. The most important thing is that they know how to stay safe and that they can call you no matter what if if they are in a situation that is uncomfortable or out of control.

orangesticker · 22/02/2018 09:21

I agree too Sparks, I've seen too many parents refuse to acknowledge their kids were growing up. Keeping them on a very tight leash up to their departure for Uni - then the dc goes completely wild with their new found freedom away from their over protective parents.

pallisers · 22/02/2018 14:14

No. But your child uses the phone to tell you where they are.........

yes indeed. I admire all of you who have utterly truthful 15 year olds who would never want to do something risky and dangerous and who think their mother should know everything. Mine are a bit livelier.

strawberrysparkle · 22/02/2018 14:25

I would check a
Though we used to get older brothers/sisters to pretend to be parents for us and also so,e parents would lie for us by saying yes we are staying there but we actually were going to a party!

JustDanceAddict · 22/02/2018 18:50

I Would drop off to make sure I knew the address. I was staying over at parties from 15 - mixed sleepovers - my mum
Had def never heard of all the people! I went from a small social life to an active one very quickly too. Amazingly my mum
Never batted an eyelid at mixed sleepovers in the 80s!!

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2018 18:54

“I admire all of you who have utterly truthful 15 year olds who would never want to do something risky and dangerous and who think their mother should know everything. Mine are a bit livelier.”

Is “livelier” the teen version of “spirited”? Grin

Sparklingbrook · 22/02/2018 19:20

I was wondering that Bertrand. Grin

BackforGood · 22/02/2018 19:21

yes indeed. I admire all of you who have utterly truthful 15 year olds who would never want to do something risky and dangerous and who think their mother should know everything

Thing being, it doesn't matter then, if the OP's mother walks her to the door, goes in, has a cup of tea with the parents, inspects the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen. The dc can still then go out later at night / after they've gone.

This is much more about giving them trust, talking to them about recognising (maybe acknowledging ?) wen they feel uncomfortable in a situation, and talking to them about "What would you do if...."

That starts back when they are little (and links in to the other thread running where the ds rang police unnecessarily)......
What would you do if .........I weren't in the playground / my usual place when you came out of school ?......... if I wasn't there to meet you from cubs?....... if someone came up to you in the park (when on own) and said that your Mum had asked them to bring you home?...... if you got home and I wasn't there ?....... etc.,etc.etc
The same principles apply to both situations. Your dc know that things don't go according to plan sometimes. Letting your dc know you'll have their backs when things go wrong, but you can only do that if they are being honest with you.
It does also mean you have to let them make their own mistakes sometimes and let them work that out for themselves.

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2018 19:35

If my teens want to get up to reckless and unsafe stuff, me knowing their mate’s mum’s number isn’t going to stop them. Arming them with resilience and a sense of responsibility and common sense might just. As might knowing that I trust them and they don’t have to lie to me to get a bit of freedom.

BackforGood · 22/02/2018 19:54

Exactly Bertrand

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2018 20:01

And while i’m on a roll, I think that people often get a false sense of security by things like having phone numbers and so on. Parents feel they are doing the right thing. I don’t think it makes a blind bit of difference, to be honest. You can only arm them for the world, then just hope.

Steamcloud · 22/02/2018 20:35

To quote your phrase back at you if I may Bertrand why does it have to be one or the other? Just because we are keen on getting phone numbers/addresses etc, doesn't mean we are not arming our teens with resilience, responsibility, common sense etc etc as well.

We did all of the discussing of scenarios about what to do in the event of things going wrong too when did was little Backforgood; and agree they have to make their own mistakes sometimes.

orangesticker · 22/02/2018 20:36

If my teens want to get up to reckless and unsafe stuff, me knowing their mate’s mum’s number isn’t going to stop them. Arming them with resilience and a sense of responsibility and common sense might just. As might knowing that I trust them and they don’t have to lie to me to get a bit of freedom.

CeeCeeMacFay · 22/02/2018 20:39

My ds and I have exactly the same rules as Bertrand

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2018 20:49

"To quote your phrase back at you if I may Bertrand why does it have to be one or the other? Just because we are keen on getting phone numbers/addresses etc,"
No it doesn't have to be one or the other. Just that I honestly donMr see the point in having addresses and numbers and so on. One of our rules is that my teens tell me where they are going to spend the night-they may not actually know when they go out whose house they will end up in. And I know my children's numbers and those of their best friends- if they want to lie to me there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to hope and trust they won't.

CurlsandCurves · 22/02/2018 21:00

I would at the very least find out where it is she’s going to be staying, ask her for the addreso. I’d want to know where they are.

pallisers · 22/02/2018 21:10

If my teens want to get up to reckless and unsafe stuff, me knowing their mate’s mum’s number isn’t going to stop them. Arming them with resilience and a sense of responsibility and common sense might just. As might knowing that I trust them and they don’t have to lie to me to get a bit of freedom.

You can actually do all 3. You can text the mum and say "hear there is a sleepover at yours" AND trust your children AND build resilience. We are talking about a 15 year old. I'd rather send a quick text than discover after the fact that the unknown "Jane" is actually someone from the internet claiming to be a 17 year old boy and they are off to London for a party. Now, I know that all of your 15 year olds are resilient, trustworthy, truthful etc.and would never do something so foolish. Here in my reality, I pretty much would trust them - but i'd still send the text because I would see it as my job to do so for a 15 year old.

I certainly wouldn't tell myself that I will know exactly where my child is because he will always tell me. Did your teens never lie to you? I find that extraordinary. Someone on the radio today said the entire purpose of the teenage years was to hide as much as possible of your life from your parents - it was said as a joke but there is certainly an element of truth in it.

But I accept that attitude towards younger teens is one of the areas in which I and MN diverge most strongly.

Thehogfather · 22/02/2018 21:10

Agree with back bert etc. Strict rules and checking with parents isn't going to stop any teen doing something they are determined to do. I don't know any parent, wohp or sahm who spends all day everyday at home with their teens in the holidays. So presumably they all have ample opportunity to lie about where they are going in the day, and instead get drunk, experiment with drugs, have sex etc if they are that way inclined.

Dd's not long turned 14 and there's a group locally I really don't want her hanging around with, but nevertheless she was invited along. Now she could have lied and said she was staying with any of the large number of local dc she's known forever knowing I wouldn't question it. But because she hadn't had to lie, when she felt uncomfortable she was able to text me and I collected her. Without that option, she would no doubt have felt she had no choice but to tolerate it up to the point getting in trouble was the preferable choice.