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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do you allow your 15 yr old DD to sleep over at a girls house you don't know?

107 replies

trickydickie · 19/02/2018 19:49

Dd asked if she could have a sleep over at a friends house for the friend's 15th birthday about a month ago. I had never heard this girls name before left alone met her. In Dd defence she never has friends back to our house and maybe only meets up with a friend once every 6 weeks or so. (whole other topic).

She does talk about friends so I am use to hearing the same 4 or 5 names from her. Though I have never heard my Dd even mention this girls name before.

As I said she did ask about this sleep over about a month ago. I just kind of ignored it as I felt unhappy about it. She said again tonight, "Mum, remember I am going to Jane's house on Saturday night for a sleep over for her birthday". I have asked her a few questions about Jane. She sits with her and others for lunch every day.

I am delighted she has been invited but I don't know this girl, have never met her. I wll drop her at Janes house but I am very uneasy about allowing her to stay over night. Different if I had met Jane a few times.

I have asked Dd to ask Jane for her Mums number so I can call her and just check it is ok for Dd to stay over etc. Obviously Dd is mortified that I would want to do this, and no one else's parents are doing this according to Dd.

Do you think Jane's Mum will think I am a rude cow phoning her and checking that it is ok for my Dd to stay there? Am I being unreasonable to say to Dd that she can only go if she gets me Jane's Mum's number or I can contact Jane's Mum to check all is ok?

OP posts:

metalmum15 · 20/02/2018 09:13

Sparkling it doesn't necessarily mean that OPs daughter is lying, she might genuinely think she's just having a sleepover with 'Jane', doesn't mean Jane has the same idea though. What if parents aren't going to be there and Jane has invited several friends and a couple of boys too? I know a situation where this actually happened. I trust my own children but I won't always trust other people's.

ScattyCharly · 20/02/2018 09:14

Much better to be safe and embarrassing. Many a teen has been rumbled this way. You do need to check that they are sleeping at this other girls house, otherwise how do you know they have not cooked up a plan to stay out all night or a plan to go and have a large mixed sleepover at someone’s house whose parents have gone away for the night. As a teen, my db did just this. I’d always check.

Steamcloud · 20/02/2018 09:20

Despite what I've written here, I believe it is very important to build trust. 9/10 times I trust what my teen is telling me. But like all teens she can be incredibly emotionally mature one moment and naieve/daft as a brush the next! And in this context, although I trust my daughter and her closest friends, I don't necessarily trust all the teens in her wider group, so common sense applies. I don't care if people find that depressing or not.

SheldonandPenny · 20/02/2018 09:29

There's a big difference between 15 and 18. A new name would make me more alert. As pp said - you may trust your daughter, but you can't trust someone you don't know. Having an opt out to come home is important and will probably be enough, but that wouldn't be enough to make me comfortable. Better to be the embarrassing parent IMO. There's ways and ways to do it though. I'd talk to my daughter about the most preferred ways to keep her safe, after outlining with good humour how I would explain in the daily fail what I had done to keep her safe...

If she persisted in keeping things quiet she would be rumbled....

BlindLemonAlley · 20/02/2018 09:31

I agree Steam. While I trust my daughter I cannot be 100% about some of her wider group or their parents views on things like boys staying over and alcohol. I also never underestimate the power of the peer group in certain situations and the fact that sometimes even the most sensible teens do stupid things. I really do not see what the problem is with a quick text or conversation with the host parent just confirming the arrangements, particularly if this Jane is someone you do not know. While I have parental responsibility, I will be check where they are going to be if they want to stay overnight. I really do not want to answer to the police and SS or the DM.

Sparklingbrook · 20/02/2018 09:32

You can have incredibly sensible 15 year olds and incredibly childish 18 year olds. All depends on the individual.

But everyone knows their own DC best and can make decisions accordingly. They may not always be the right decisions either.

bear28 · 20/02/2018 09:34

I would certainly contact the other mother. When I was 15 i used to tell my mum I was staying at my friends when actually I was drunk In a field and ended up getting alcohol poisoning. Always good to double check that she's going where she says she is.

purplelass · 20/02/2018 09:41

I had to think about this as DD14 has only ever stayed with friends I know but if a new name came from nowhere I'd definitely ask for a parent's phone no. as DD is rubbish at answering her phone! I would probably send a text introducing myself as emergency contact should anything happen to DD in their care. That way you're not obviously checking up on them but you've made contact.
Good luck - it's hard to do right for doing wrong at this age isn't it?!

DragonBone · 20/02/2018 10:23

The 2 things I ask my DD's to give me when they want to stay at a friends is

1: informations - address, times, phone numbers

2: confirmations - phone call/ FaceTime from the friends parent

Then everyone knows what the score is and there won't be any wondering what's going on

BertrandRussell · 20/02/2018 10:50

This is the deal I have with my children.

They tell me what town they are in and if they move to a different town.
I always need to know where they are spending the night, and they text me when they get there.
If they text me the code word I will pick them up as soon as I can possibly get there.
They always answer the phone if I ring.

5.. They don’t do anything that would make me look an idiot at a press conference. 6.We’re a family. We love each other and don’t give each other a hard time if we can possibly help it.

cannotmakemymindup · 20/02/2018 11:08

I think I am going to be the only one who says that could 'Jane' be someone Dd has met Online? Someone saying just say you're seeing Jane? That would always be my worry especially after being told you don't need to talk to Janes' mum.
I only mention it because although lots of pp have said oh my children grew up fine without extra checks, some at the time didn't have the Internet or such easy access to it at the very least.
I would always be talking/facetime to Jane mum to check because what harm is done by talking? Yes 15 years old isn't 5, yet they are still a minor, they're still learning.

SM2132 · 20/02/2018 11:31

I actually had this same situation last week. My son is nearly 14. I insisted on the mums number (much to my sons embarrasment) and just gave a quick call and said 'just checking it is fine for him to sleep and that it isn't a plan they have concocted without you knowing'.
I also dropped him and off and picked him up (necessary though as he lived a few miles away) and walked him to the door. My son actually wanted me to though as he is a bit shy of meeting parents. I wouldn't have insisted on walking him to the door though. Felt I looked a bit overprotective doing so actually. I would probably give a quick phone call/get the kids to ask the parents to send me a text to say it is fine, at age 15.

BlindLemonAlley · 20/02/2018 14:57

Sorry to hijack but can I just ask what the feeling is about parties? Would you also expect some contact or check with the hosts parents about the arrangements?

lljkk · 20/02/2018 17:08

Parties: I like to make sure I understand the arrangements. Make sure the host parents expect to happen what I expect to happen based on what DC told me. This keeps everyone more honest.

15yos at parties tend to have booze.
I am very uncomfortable about that.
(Partly b/c DD tells me about all their alcohol-fueled misadventures).
I would want to make sure I knew who the available adults were for the party, and to calculate any booze-linked risk accordingly.

I find 'code word' OTT, but I love the comment about "don't make me look like an idiot at a press conference" !

Motherlucker · 20/02/2018 17:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

BlindLemonAlley · 20/02/2018 18:01

Me too Mother and unfortunately for my DCs this makes me very suspicious. Although when I ask my DPs now it seems they knew a bit more than I thought. They have said that the biggest thing for them was that I had a loyal bunch of friends and they knew we would always look out for one another. This was so true and no matter what happened at parties with boys, alcohol etc. we always kept an eye on the one who was drunk and kept to arrangements for getting home together. However, I don’t have that same confidence in my DCs friends.

Motherlucker · 20/02/2018 19:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

Paperdolly · 21/02/2018 15:57

It's got nothing to do with a lack of trust or in three years time... it's your duty of care as a parent. 😳

I trusted my 15 year old but I also work with adolescents and hear some shocking confessions. Mistakes made because of being coerced or wanting to be 'one of the gang'. Some from the best parenting backgrounds that have slipped up. I'd have to let my daughter 'go' in 3 years time but until then she's under MY roof and MY wing.

pallisers · 21/02/2018 16:13

At 15 I would definitely text or email the mother to say "hear there is a sleepover on Saturday - DD is looking forward to it."

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 21/02/2018 16:35

Yes. DSD stays at friends houses, and they stay here and none of the parents have ever checked with us first or wanted to meet us.

I think at 15 you need to trust her a bit

Sundance2741 · 21/02/2018 17:27

Totally agree Paperdolly! Ridiculous argument that 15 year olds must make their own decisions as they'll have to in 3 years when they're 18. Ok why not 13 yo, only 5 years? 10 yo, only 8 years. A school or college would have to account for your childs well being or report concerning behaviour to you up to 18 because it's the law -they have to safeguard. Why wouldn't a parent do the same and check things out?

BlindLemonAlley · 21/02/2018 18:25

If a 15 year old is going to be away from home for 12 plus hours I think it would be slack parenting not to check the arrangements. The only reason not to seems to be to save embarrassing to your teen and to show that you trust them. Personally I’d rather they were a tiny bit embarrassed by me than having to face the shame of admitting that I had no idea where my 15 year old DC was overnight.

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2018 18:35

“Personally I’d rather they were a tiny bit embarrassed by me than having to face the shame of admitting that I had no idea where my 15 year old DC was overnight.”

Why is it one or the other? Don’t they have phones?

NeganLovesLucille · 21/02/2018 19:12

But it's not a case of not knowing where they are. It is easy to ask them for the address, or to drop them off. I don't think that the parent needs to know the friend personally.

Original poster

trickydickie · 21/02/2018 22:52

Thanks everyone.

My main reason for concern is that I have never heard this girl's name mentioned before. There are 4 or 5 friends names that she talks about all the time (that I don't know very well) but their names are always in conversation. I am just a bit worried because I've never heard this girls name.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

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