Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15yr DD having sex

86 replies

Crispyf · 30/01/2018 21:44

I have literally just found out my 15yr Dd is having sex. I found a condom in her bag. I tried to stay calm as new it was going to happen at some point. She has been with her boyfriend who is 16 next month for 7 months.We let him come round to the house and she goes to his house and have spoken to his parents. I am going to her to the docs this week to go on the pill. I feel like we can talk about things but feel really emotional about it. She has asked me not to tell her dad... what do i do. I feel like i should as dont want to keep secrets but don't want to break her trust. He does have a tendancy to be quite hot headed and being our first born will obviously be difficult. Any advice would be great!!😣

OP posts:
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 30/01/2018 21:48

Her privacy and trust is more important than telling her df. Why put her through that??

StylishMummy · 30/01/2018 21:48

It's great you have a good relationship with her and she's happy to talk, id agree not to speak to her dad yet but encourage her to understand that a healthy relationship works both ways & that it's important she only does what she's happy to do. Contraception is another good step to take and the GP will reinforce the need for protection from diseases as well as pregnancy

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 30/01/2018 22:10

Ah, just gone through this myself. I’m so happy that she talks to me, she tells me what she wants to and like you, I found out by accident and asked outright in a calm way.

She is already on contraception to help her periods and I think we have covered sex talks enough to know she is safe and I trust her.

I haven’t told DH for the same reason that I haven’t told him things that close friends have confided in me.

It’s not a family event and DD would be doing it without telling me anyways.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/02/2018 09:01

If she was 16 I wouldn’t tell her dad, it’s legal and her business. But at 15 she is underage and as her parent, who also loves and cares for her, he has a right to know and be involved in supporting her.

How would you feel if it was the other way round, he found out first and didn’t give you the opportunity to be there for her?

LoveBeingAMum555 · 03/02/2018 19:51

My DS and GF were both 15 when they started having sex. Even though they had been together for six months I was quite upset, they both seemed so young. I kept this to myself though, we had a couple of chats about contraception, intimacy and respect as well as the fact that they were actually breaking the law. Even though GF went on the pill I bought (and still buy) condoms for DS although I agonised for a bit over whether I was encouraging them.

I decided that they were going to have sex whatever their parents said so in a way it was better that we knew and could talk about it with them. A year later they are still together. I know it's different because DS is a boy but it's difficult to think about them having sex at that age so I understand how you feel.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/02/2018 20:00

I know it's different because DS is a boy

Underage boys need support too, from both parents, if they start having underage sex before they are emotionally ready to deal with an intimate and potentially intense relationship.

Butterymuffin · 03/02/2018 20:04

Encourage her to still use condoms after starting the pill. No harm in being super careful when you're that age. And yes, all the stuff about consent, only doing what you personally want to and so on. I'd not tell her dad so I could keep her confidence for when it potentially all ends or goes wrong.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/02/2018 20:05

I'd advise her to stop altogether until she's protected by the Pill. I'm not convinced condoms are enough when it's so important not to get pregnant.

Darcychu · 03/02/2018 20:07

What would be the point of telling her dad??? why the hell should he need to know about your DD sex life? :S I am so glad i had sane Parents when i was younger and lost my V.

And you feel emotional about it? shes 15 not 5. You just need to talk to her about needing to talk to GP Re contraception and then go pretending you don't know.

HamishBamish · 03/02/2018 20:09

I would be very concerned about the implications legally. If she is underage surely her boyfriend will be committing an offence once he turns 16?

Shouldershrugger · 03/02/2018 20:13

It's so good to hear that you and your dd are able to talk about this stuff. My mum was and is in denial. Even after 3 kids lol. My dd and I are going through the same thing and tbh I'm ever so thankful that both she and her bf are using condoms. So many people don't bother!

TheCowWentMoo · 03/02/2018 20:17

Don't tell her dad, shes got you to support her and keep her safe her dad really really doesn't need to know. If she wants him to know she can talk to him but if you tell him she might just stop telling you things altogether, you would completely break her trust. How long till she turns 16?

LIZS · 03/02/2018 20:18

They could get into a lot of trouble, especially once he turns 16.

Oblomov18 · 03/02/2018 20:31

Will GP give pill to an under 16?

TheCowWentMoo · 03/02/2018 20:37

Of course the gp will give the pill to someone under 16! Presumably he would only get in a lot of trouble if op or her dh went to the police about him once he turned 16? The dd won't get in any trouble apart from being upset

yikesanotherbooboo · 03/02/2018 22:39

A 16 year old won't get in trouble for having sex with a 15 year old if it is a consensual relationship which this is.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 22:45

God I am going to be gutted when this is my DD. I think youre doing good OP. Some of me would want to scream at her it is so young.
Hope all goes fine. At leadt she talks to you.

StarUtopia · 03/02/2018 22:47

For god's sake, before you put her on the pill, just check it's safe for her.

The pill could literally kill me. Luckily, we found out before i was sexually active. It did nearly kill my Mum. I will have to be very open with my daughter down the line as she will need to know this isn't an option for her.

Condoms are a priority. And ensuring that she doesn't allow her BF anywhere near her with his phone whilst they're 'busy'! They are very young. This could turn sour. He could blackmail her. That would actually be one of my biggest concerns (other than medical/pill related, and getting pg)

ALLIS0N · 03/02/2018 22:50

Please encourage her to use the pill AND condoms .

I’m glad she’s told you and I agree not to tell her dad if he can’t be trusted to act reasonably.

For those of you asking, yes it technically illegal now and also when he is 16. But the police and social services will not take any action where the couple are 15 and just turned 16 ( so similar age ) and in a consensual relationship.

The concerns here are avoiding pregnancy and STI and also the emotional issues that come with having sex young. So it’s great that the DD has confided in her mum who is the best person to support her.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 22:54

How can the pill kill her? Allergy?
I will be telling my boys they will get into police trouble if the girl isnt 16. If necessary will move away. Not worth wrecking their future for.

SundaysFunday · 03/02/2018 23:01

OP did say she was taking DD to a healthcare professional for the pill.

I wouldn't tell her Dad, I don't discuss personal conversations with my DD with her father, he trusts my judgement and knows I handle some sensitive subjects with her.

AJPTaylor · 03/02/2018 23:02

My dh is very mild mannered.
I never told him anything i knew about our daughters intimate lives.
He would not have wanted to know, nor considered it any of his business

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 23:04

My mum gobbed off to my dad that id started my periods because shecwas pissed off i was being all hormonal and angsty. i couldve killed her. Felt really embarrassed.

MonaTheMoaner · 03/02/2018 23:04

Please don't tell her dad. If you want an open and trusting relationship you need to respect her wishes and privacy. If her dad asks, you have been handling it and didn't think it was something worth a big embarrassing discussion.

Secondly I'd advocate seeing a health professional about an implant rather than the pill. It takes five minutes, pain free with local anaesthetic, no need to worry about missing it, lasts for three years and often lightens or makes periods go away altogether.

CupcakeWithIcing · 04/02/2018 00:37

Ffs they will not get into trouble for having consensual sex at 15 and 16!!

And OP please do not try to scare your daughter and her boyfriend by saying that! There is no reason for you to tell her dad either, and I can assure you that if you do she will loose a lot of trust and respect for you. She is 15. She is old enough to make her own decisions and has been with the boy for a while. It is a good thing that you know, she has someone to speak too. Defo take her to the GP to find some more contraception, but don't rush her into going straight onto the pill, another option could suit her more. And remember it is her decision on what type of contraception she wants to put in her body not yours.

Don't ask her loads of questions or constantly bring up the fact she is having sex, but please do have a long chat with her and explain that you are okay with what she is doing (even if you are unsure) and you trust her and her boyfriend to do it safely. Explain that if things go wrong you will be there for her and she can speak to you knowing that you won't tell her dad about it.

Please focus on making sure she is safely having sex and can still rely on you for advice if she needs it, DO NOT MAKE HER FEEL ASHMED OR BAD FOR DOING A COMPLETELY NATURAL THING WITH A BOY SHE OBVIOUSLY TRUSTS AND HAS SPOKEN ABOUT AND DISCUSSED THIS WITH. Because she will hop skip and jump right out of your life I can assure you!

I know it is scary and I know you will be feeling all over the place, but this is where you need to loosen the 'apron strings' a little and give your daughter space to grow and encourage her to live her own life and make her own decisions without jumping in every second. The way you react and follow on from this will shape your relationship with your daughter for years to come. Please think about that!

Swipe left for the next trending thread