15yr DD having sex

[Crispyf]

I have literally just found out my 15yr Dd is having sex. I found a condom in her bag. I tried to stay calm as new it was going to happen at some point. She has been with her boyfriend who is 16 next month for 7 months.We let him come round to the house and she goes to his house and have spoken to his parents. I am going to her to the docs this week to go on the pill. I feel like we can talk about things but feel really emotional about it. She has asked me not to tell her dad... what do i do. I feel like i should as dont want to keep secrets but don't want to break her trust. He does have a tendancy to be quite hot headed and being our first born will obviously be difficult. Any advice would be great!!😣

[dkb15164]

You've done the right thing by taking her to get the pill. Leave dad out of this, a lot of men are weird about their daughters having sex and it will just cause unnecessary upset. A thorough conversation (however embarrassing for her) talking about consent (including consent in the eyes of the law) and how fertile she is at her age is also a good idea as the sex ed I received in school (age 19 now so not long ago) was quite lacking.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

The issue of OP's daughter's age is a red herring. Is she competent to consent to sex with her boyfriend? Does she understand the implications? Is there coercion?it doesn't sound like it so there will be no problem with her acquiring contraception from the doctor or having Sex with her 15/16 year old boyfriend. The police will not be interested.she sounds v sensible and her mother has handled the situation perfectly.
I don't think you should tell your husband. Your daughter has asked you not to and she needs to be able to trust you. Your greater responsibility is to her and there is a risk of harm ie loss of trust going forward if you tell him.
Remind all your teens that condoms + other contraception are essential to reduce risk of pregnancy and STIs also that sexting or allowing partners to take intimate photos is potentially going to lead to a criminal situation not to mention embarrassment and should be an absolute NO in teenagers.

[Primarkismyonlyoption]

Enid yes i would know because he is only ever at home or clubs. His friends cone her. Hes not left to roam around the estate or hand on 'street corners' like my mum used to say. So unless a girl came here, it wouldnt happen.
They arent on facebook either.
Hoping mortified yes. But if thats what it takes. If i was married i would hope a father would try to at least with my boys talk some sense into them.
Changing the law wont stop them having sex but it might encourage parents to actually give a fuck about stopping their CHILDREN taking part in an ADULT act.

[Primarkismyonlyoption]

Come here

[LadyPenelopeCantDance]

A word of warning to those who are saying it isn’t an issue if she is 15 and the bf is 16 - it most definitely is and is dedicated as statutory rape.

When I was that age, a couple I knew were having sex, she was 15, he was 17. Her mother found out and called the police and the boy was arrested and taken into police custody. I don’t think he was charged, but it must have been terrible for him.

Anyone under 16 cannot legally consent to sex and therefore the other party is commiting an offence.

Completely agree with OP being open with her daughter, but they need to be aware that this could be a problem if things didn’t go well.

[hollowtree]

I started having sex at 15 with my lovely BF who I was with for 3 happy years. Still friends.

My mum found out because my face gave it away I think! She wasn't very nice about it. She acted quite disgusted with me.

My dad was way worse and made me feel like a disgusting creep. It gave me a horrible sex complex and even now, happily married, his voice pops into my head shouting "you're committing blue murder under my roof you horrible girl".

It was so damaging, I needed counselling when I started experiencing pain during sex from a psychological block on enjoying sex.

Please please PLEASE be nice to her

[Purplerain101]

You can get married, win the lottery and join the armed forces too when you are 16. Whether we agree with it or not, the government deem 16 old enough and adult enough to be having sex and they aren’t going to change it to 18

[LadyPenelopeCantDance]

Purple - 16 is old enough, but legally, 15 is not!

[hollowtree]

Also my first time was a lovely experience. I have never regretted it and the relationship set the bar really high for me as he was a lovely, kind, respectful boy

[Purplerain101]

@lady yes I know - I was referring to the post about how the legal age should be increased to 18 instead of 16. The OP’s daughter is under the legal age but I highly doubt that’s going to stop her so the OP is doing the right thing by ensuring she is being as safe as possible

[PinkDaffodil2]

It’s great that she feels comfortable talking to you about this - please don’t jeopardise that by telling her DF against her wishes!
Also maybe suggest she reads up on some more effective forms of contraception before going to see the Dr (is it a standard 10 min appointment or a longer ‘contraception’ slot?).
The implant, depot and coil are much more effective and don’t rely on her remembering to take every day.

[LadyPenelopeCantDance]

Agree she will not stop doing it, she is discovering one of the greatest pleasures in life!

[Enidthecat]

So at 15 he doesnt go out with friends? Ever?

[GreenTulips]

They didn’t have a clue

Yes they did - unless they were complete idiots!

Parents were young once

[Primarkismyonlyoption]

Lady i fully agree. I am more scared for my sons given that the softly approach of mums will not stay soft when the girl falls pregnant and her dad gets involved. No way will i condone him having sex with an underage girl which could leave him with a criminal record.
Pills are useless and the implant would be wiser as insurance.
Of course the age of consent wont change. Im not naive. I agree Op is doing the right thing for her and it is her child so she knows best.
And it may be pleasureable but so can drugs be. Would people be saying oh its ok doing weed or coke at home because at least they have told me. Both can seriously ruin life especially when young and feeling nice isnt enough. Cant see how a 15yr old will benefit from stis and pregnancy myself. If it means shaming them so be it, at 15 it shouldnt be happening and im not colluding with that by being my child's best mate. I doubt my nieces would be where they are if their dad had lived at home and not let boyfriends stay overnight. It is our duty to guide not give in and go ok anything goes as long as you tell me.
And again the ops daughter didnt trust her. She was caught out.
Again these are my views and i appreciate others have different views.

[Crispyf]

Thanks. I to had an awful expierence with my mum when i was 17. That is why i want to deal with things in a different way. Both my parents were strict catholics no sex before marriage. My sister rebelled and ended up having an abortion at 18. My dd is sensible and has always been older than her years. She shows me pics that her friends put on instagram not nude but in underwear and it is shocking. She understands the repocuctions of this. Alot of the girls in her year at school have already lost their virginity and some with boys they hardly know and one has had an abortion. Being a teenager at the moment is so hard , i feel like i have to keep her trust. She has her periods every 2 weeks so that is why i thought the pill but we will have a long discussion with the doc to see what is best.

[Whisky2014]

I went on the pill at 15. I so wish i hadnt. I changed to the implant at 24 and 3 years ago decided to stop using anything whuch affects my hormones. We use condoms. I hate that my ovaries are covered in little holes caused by the pill (i know this because i had a scan when i thought i had appendicitis and the woman asked if i had that ovary fibroysis condition as my ovaries were covered in these follicles). I also hate that since being 15 (now 31) i was the responsible one for not getting pregant. I have altered my hormones for so many years it makes me feel ill thinking about it actually.

[Whisky2014]

Oh yeh and my mum ignored me for 2 weeks when she found the pill in my underwear drawer. But it was my bf mum who wanted me to go on it. I couldn't win.

[Primarkismyonlyoption]

Well op you obviously love your daughter and we are all guided by our own experiences. I hope everything goes well for you both. You are right, teenage years are terrifying. Im not as far in as you so may eat my own words one day

[Primarkismyonlyoption]

Enid.
No. Brothers very close. Joint friends. All come here as we are further out than their friends. And only get taken and picked up by me or my sister. Sisters kids same age. Same views as me. So they dont miss out.

[leonardthelemming]

A word of warning to those who are saying it isn’t an issue if she is 15 and the bf is 16 - it most definitely is and is dedicated as statutory rape.

I wasn't going to contribute to this thread because the first few posts were so helpful, but now we have nonsense being spouted so here I am to set the record straight.

There is no offence of statutory rape in the UK. And the only offence which might warrant that title would be sex with someone under thirteen. A person under 13 cannot legally give consent (if they do, it's invalid) but someone aged 13 to 15 can - it's the activity itself which is technically illegal.

The age of consent is 16 for a reason - and the reason is essentially to make it easier to prosecute adult sexual predators who target young people (mostly girls) and groom them. It is not to prevent consensual sex between younger teens of similar age (and this is made quite clear in the (2003) act).

It is not helpful to think of teenagers as children. The very fact that they are capable of having sex demonstrates that they are not. In this situation a legal definition of 'child' (which exists to provide under-18s with benefits/protection) is inappropriate.

OP - please do not tell either the father, nor the boy's parents. A healthcare professional would not be allowed to, so why should you? To do so would be a breach of trust and confidentiality. This is a private matter between the boy and the girl. You only found out by accident so, other than being supportive (as you are), you should not interfere.

Regarding the doctor. Good that you are supporting her, but have you asked her if she wants you to go with her? If she does, then of course that's fine, but does she know she can go on her own? She might prefer a private consultation. She could even go with her boyfriend - if that's what she wants. And it's entirely her decision as to the type of contraception she uses. As long as the HCP is happy that she is mature enough to understand what is being proposed, she has the right to make that decision.

[LexieLulu]

Please don't tell her DF. There's no reason for him to know or find out.

I'm 30 and wouldn't want my DF knowing about my sex life.

Go get her the pill, condoms and a locked storage box so DF wouldn't find them.

Then stop routing through her things and leave her alone. Give her privacy

[yikesanotherbooboo]

Of course , most of us would prefer that 15 year olds didn't have sex; in general they are too young for the responsibility of unwanted pregnancy and the risk of damaging stis in the under 25s is significant. It would be a very unusual teenager who wanted to do it but didn't because their parents didn't permit it .
If a young person is going to have sex and even more if they are already having sex we have a responsibility to educate them and to help them avoid harm.

[GreenTulips]

it ISNT completely natural at 15

Smoking and drugs aren't natural - sex is natural and normal part of growing up and in this case they have been together a while.

The law is there to protect children from adults

[MonaTheMoaner]

YY to everything lenordthelemming said.