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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

15yr DD having sex

86 replies

Crispyf · 30/01/2018 21:44

I have literally just found out my 15yr Dd is having sex. I found a condom in her bag. I tried to stay calm as new it was going to happen at some point. She has been with her boyfriend who is 16 next month for 7 months.We let him come round to the house and she goes to his house and have spoken to his parents. I am going to her to the docs this week to go on the pill. I feel like we can talk about things but feel really emotional about it. She has asked me not to tell her dad... what do i do. I feel like i should as dont want to keep secrets but don't want to break her trust. He does have a tendancy to be quite hot headed and being our first born will obviously be difficult. Any advice would be great!!😣

OP posts:

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Yumsymumsy1 · 25/02/2018 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

S0ph1a · 22/02/2018 06:44

There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy.

Some things are private and don’t need to be discussed with everyone in the family.

Sundance2741 · 21/02/2018 16:44

I don't think families should keep secrets and wouldn't agree with not telling your DH. That means she knows you cover for her. I'd hate for my kids to think I'd keep a secret from DH or vice versa. It's disrespectful to the other parent. (Admit my DH would probably be cooler about it than me). I'd be supportive but honest that I thought she was too young.

TinaMena · 20/02/2018 21:15

If she is underage surely her boyfriend will be committing an offence once he turns 16?
They are both committing an offence now if they are both under 16

JDilla · 15/02/2018 00:48

It's important to let her do what she wants but to be there for her if anything goes wrong, that's the best relationship you can have with her.

Twinkletoes2018 · 04/02/2018 22:52

@leonardthelemming talks a lot of sense. I was 18 when I lost my virginity but my mum shamed me even at that age I would say not to tell her dad but to support her As you are clearly trying to do. Take her to the doctors but then tell her she can go in on her own or you can go in with her and leave it up to her.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 14:41

Marg not convinced.
But possible. I also hate the thought of it until they are adults

MargaretCavendish · 04/02/2018 14:05

Primark you seem very convinced that sex WILL lead to pregnancy. Of course there's always a tiny risk no matter how careful you are, but it is hugely mitigated by being very sensible with your precautions. Almost all of my female school friends were having sex by 16, not one of them got pregnant - but we were all very, very paranoid about it, and religious in our use of contraception (and used to take the morning after pill if we had the slightest concern about whether pill was late/condom had slipped, etc.). The problem with acting like contraception doesn't work is that it doesn't necessarily convey the message you want ('so don't have sex'). Study after study has shown that that's why teens in very religious environments given abstinence-only education are more likely to get pregnant: they still have sex (teenage urges are very strong!) but they've been told that condoms are a) for sluts and b) ineffective anyway, so they don't use them.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 13:41

He knows allison. Doesnt need to ejaculate. We have had these chats along with internet safety
Honestly i have drummed it into them all.

ALLIS0N · 04/02/2018 13:31

If it were my son I would want to know so i could keep him away from her so a) he isnt doing something illegal and 2) so he doesnt wreck his life getting her pregnant

If you have a teenage son then you need to tell him that every single time he ejaulates inside a woman he loses the choice over whether or not he becomes a father.

Don’t wait until he tells you he’s having sex

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/02/2018 13:06

Thankyou Leonard

MonaTheMoaner · 04/02/2018 13:05

YY to everything lenordthelemming said.

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 12:31

it ISNT completely natural at 15

Smoking and drugs aren't natural - sex is natural and normal part of growing up and in this case they have been together a while.

The law is there to protect children from adults

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/02/2018 12:08

Of course , most of us would prefer that 15 year olds didn't have sex; in general they are too young for the responsibility of unwanted pregnancy and the risk of damaging stis in the under 25s is significant. It would be a very unusual teenager who wanted to do it but didn't because their parents didn't permit it .
If a young person is going to have sex and even more if they are already having sex we have a responsibility to educate them and to help them avoid harm.

LexieLulu · 04/02/2018 12:07

Please don't tell her DF. There's no reason for him to know or find out.

I'm 30 and wouldn't want my DF knowing about my sex life.

Go get her the pill, condoms and a locked storage box so DF wouldn't find them.

Then stop routing through her things and leave her alone. Give her privacy

leonardthelemming · 04/02/2018 12:06

A word of warning to those who are saying it isn’t an issue if she is 15 and the bf is 16 - it most definitely is and is dedicated as statutory rape.

I wasn't going to contribute to this thread because the first few posts were so helpful, but now we have nonsense being spouted so here I am to set the record straight.

There is no offence of statutory rape in the UK. And the only offence which might warrant that title would be sex with someone under thirteen. A person under 13 cannot legally give consent (if they do, it's invalid) but someone aged 13 to 15 can - it's the activity itself which is technically illegal.

The age of consent is 16 for a reason - and the reason is essentially to make it easier to prosecute adult sexual predators who target young people (mostly girls) and groom them. It is not to prevent consensual sex between younger teens of similar age (and this is made quite clear in the (2003) act).

It is not helpful to think of teenagers as children. The very fact that they are capable of having sex demonstrates that they are not. In this situation a legal definition of 'child' (which exists to provide under-18s with benefits/protection) is inappropriate.

OP - please do not tell either the father, nor the boy's parents. A healthcare professional would not be allowed to, so why should you? To do so would be a breach of trust and confidentiality. This is a private matter between the boy and the girl. You only found out by accident so, other than being supportive (as you are), you should not interfere.

Regarding the doctor. Good that you are supporting her, but have you asked her if she wants you to go with her? If she does, then of course that's fine, but does she know she can go on her own? She might prefer a private consultation. She could even go with her boyfriend - if that's what she wants. And it's entirely her decision as to the type of contraception she uses. As long as the HCP is happy that she is mature enough to understand what is being proposed, she has the right to make that decision.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 12:00

Enid.
No. Brothers very close. Joint friends. All come here as we are further out than their friends. And only get taken and picked up by me or my sister. Sisters kids same age. Same views as me. So they dont miss out.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 11:53

Well op you obviously love your daughter and we are all guided by our own experiences. I hope everything goes well for you both. You are right, teenage years are terrifying. Im not as far in as you so may eat my own words one day

Whisky2014 · 04/02/2018 11:50

Oh yeh and my mum ignored me for 2 weeks when she found the pill in my underwear drawer. But it was my bf mum who wanted me to go on it. I couldn't win.

Whisky2014 · 04/02/2018 11:47

I went on the pill at 15. I so wish i hadnt. I changed to the implant at 24 and 3 years ago decided to stop using anything whuch affects my hormones. We use condoms. I hate that my ovaries are covered in little holes caused by the pill (i know this because i had a scan when i thought i had appendicitis and the woman asked if i had that ovary fibroysis condition as my ovaries were covered in these follicles). I also hate that since being 15 (now 31) i was the responsible one for not getting pregant. I have altered my hormones for so many years it makes me feel ill thinking about it actually.

Crispyf · 04/02/2018 11:42

Thanks. I to had an awful expierence with my mum when i was 17. That is why i want to deal with things in a different way. Both my parents were strict catholics no sex before marriage. My sister rebelled and ended up having an abortion at 18. My dd is sensible and has always been older than her years. She shows me pics that her friends put on instagram not nude but in underwear and it is shocking. She understands the repocuctions of this. Alot of the girls in her year at school have already lost their virginity and some with boys they hardly know and one has had an abortion. Being a teenager at the moment is so hard , i feel like i have to keep her trust. She has her periods every 2 weeks so that is why i thought the pill but we will have a long discussion with the doc to see what is best.

OP posts:

Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 11:41

Lady i fully agree. I am more scared for my sons given that the softly approach of mums will not stay soft when the girl falls pregnant and her dad gets involved. No way will i condone him having sex with an underage girl which could leave him with a criminal record.
Pills are useless and the implant would be wiser as insurance.
Of course the age of consent wont change. Im not naive. I agree Op is doing the right thing for her and it is her child so she knows best.
And it may be pleasureable but so can drugs be. Would people be saying oh its ok doing weed or coke at home because at least they have told me. Both can seriously ruin life especially when young and feeling nice isnt enough. Cant see how a 15yr old will benefit from stis and pregnancy myself. If it means shaming them so be it, at 15 it shouldnt be happening and im not colluding with that by being my child's best mate. I doubt my nieces would be where they are if their dad had lived at home and not let boyfriends stay overnight. It is our duty to guide not give in and go ok anything goes as long as you tell me.
And again the ops daughter didnt trust her. She was caught out.
Again these are my views and i appreciate others have different views.

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GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 11:37

They didn’t have a clue

Yes they did - unless they were complete idiots!

Parents were young once

Enidthecat · 04/02/2018 11:30

So at 15 he doesnt go out with friends? Ever?

LadyPenelopeCantDance · 04/02/2018 11:15

Agree she will not stop doing it, she is discovering one of the greatest pleasures in life!

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