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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

15yr DD having sex

86 replies

Crispyf · 30/01/2018 21:44

I have literally just found out my 15yr Dd is having sex. I found a condom in her bag. I tried to stay calm as new it was going to happen at some point. She has been with her boyfriend who is 16 next month for 7 months.We let him come round to the house and she goes to his house and have spoken to his parents. I am going to her to the docs this week to go on the pill. I feel like we can talk about things but feel really emotional about it. She has asked me not to tell her dad... what do i do. I feel like i should as dont want to keep secrets but don't want to break her trust. He does have a tendancy to be quite hot headed and being our first born will obviously be difficult. Any advice would be great!!😣

OP posts:

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SingingSeuss · 04/02/2018 00:51

Have you spoken to his parents yet? They should probably know what's going on given their ages, so yes I would tell your DH.

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/02/2018 00:52

Good post cupcake

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Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 08:38

Cupcae it ISNT completely natural at 15. Uk law says they need to be 16 for a reason.
If it were my son I would want to know so i could keep him away from her so a) he isnt doing something illegal and 2) so he doesnt wreck his life getting her pregnant.
Anything goes parenting re sex jas become the norm. Id go as far as to change the law to 18

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Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 08:39

And she cant hop skip or jump when they live at home. If it continued i actually think id tell her dad in order to try and stop it.

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WeAllHaveWings · 04/02/2018 09:07

Uk law says they need to be 16 for a reason.

Agreed, 15 year old children are not emotionally ready for the intensity of intimate relationships. OP will not be able to stop them even if she wanted too, but this is exactly why they need the support of both parents.

If my spouse kept something as important as this, something my child would need some support and guidance on, from me because they decided unilaterally they knew best or pre judged my reaction, that would be the end of my marriage.

I cant believe everyone here would be happy with their partner not telling them their child was having underage age sex

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Bluelonerose · 04/02/2018 09:14

I think all you can do is support her decision. She's using contraception AND is talking to you so use say you can't really ask for anything more from her.

About not telling your dh. I can see both sides. If I were you ide have a chat with her and say because of your age I have no choice to tell dh BUT that you still trust her desicions but it's another person to help support her IF she needs it.

Good lunch I've got ds1 14 and dd 13. I've had the sex talk with them both but I'm sure I'll panic too when I found out for sure.

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Bluelonerose · 04/02/2018 09:15

Good luck not good lunch

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SundaysFunday · 04/02/2018 09:20

Yes, the law is that you have to be 16.

However, that's not the question on this thread, as she is 15 and already having sex (and will continue to do so) the OP is asking how best to support her daughter.

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Screaminginsideme · 04/02/2018 09:40

Make them both watch consent is like a cup of tea on Youtube

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Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 09:47

I do think to a certain extent you can prevent it happening though. Both parents aware while they are at either home, doors open. Might do heavy petting but much less likely to have underage sex.
Yes harsh and embarrassing for them but at least they will respect you.
My sister let her 15 and 14 yr old daughters have boyfriends staying over all week arguing that inder her roof was better.both dropped out of school early, both have babies and both on benefits.
Fuck this 'glad shed told me' lark. She hasnt. Op found a condom.
Prevent stop till 18 and hope they grow apart enough that they go to uni and dont fuck up their lives for a teenage leg over.

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WeAllHaveWings · 04/02/2018 09:52

@SundaysFunday ”However, that's not the question on this thread,”

From OP She has asked me not to tell her dad... what do i do.

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WeAllHaveWings · 04/02/2018 09:53

Oops ignore that, misread

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Crispyf · 04/02/2018 10:07

Thanks all for your advice. I have an app on tues at the docs and we have had the chat about extra precautions and the fact she is under age. I still haven't told my DH and feel like i should as we are going through a difficult time already but not sure if this will push everything over the edge. I think as the bf turns 16 next week we will be extra aware and i think i will chat to his mum. I don't think he would support her to be fair i think he would fly off the handle but has said he would have her chat with her BF and say thay our DD is only 15 so if he pressures her into sex he would call the police!! but he did say thats if they aren't doing it already. I just said well i'm going to get her on the pill.

OP posts:

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superduperdo · 04/02/2018 10:13

I was OPs daughter, I lost my virginity at 15 to my 16 year old BF. It was a lovely, pressure-free experience, with a boy I was in love with and stayed with for another 2 years before we broke up. I told my mum, and she was fantastic. Helped me get onto the pill, no judgement, no guilt. I also asked her not to tell my Dad, I'm not sure whether she did or not but he never mentioned it. It in no way fucked up my life or got in the way of my academic achievements, and I am still grateful to her now for how she handled it. I grew up with a great view of sex as being a normal and healthy part of life, and have continued to be confident and comfortable in my sexuality into my 30s. I agree 15 isn't ideal, but it's not usual, and I don't think trying to prevent it once it's already happening is helpful. Support her to make it as safe as possible, and you will gain her trust that she can come to you if things do go wrong in the future.

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Errrmmm · 04/02/2018 10:22

Does she want to go on the pill? If she feels mature enough to be in a sexual relationship she should be mature enough to choose her own contraception & arrange getting it herself. Personally I wouldnt discuss it with her dad as it's not really his business but I would tell my husband if our daughter was going on the pill, if they were home alone together & she was showing signs of a blood clot, it would be important he knew that it could be a possibility.

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hopingandprayingthistime · 04/02/2018 10:24

As a PP said she’s 15 not 5! Why all the fixation on the arbitrarily set legal age of consent and 15 year olds not being mature enough to have sex? Do they suddenly become mature enough the day they turn 16? Some 15 year olds will be mature enough, some 17 year olds won’t be. Everyone is different. As PPs have said they are similar age and in a consensual relationship - the authorities would not be interested even if someone did make a complaint. The OP’s DD sounds like she is mature enough (using condoms, talking to her Mum) and is in a stable relationship.

The best thing you can do OP is be supportive and make sure she knows she can come to you to talk about anything. That is the best way of keeping her close and making sure you’ll be able to help her if anything does go awry. And don’t tell her Father! Especially if he can’t be trusted to act appropriately. I would have been MORTIFIED if my Mum told my Dad I was having sex at that age and would certainly have never talked to her about it ever again. Maybe she did tell my Dad but I never knew about it and I am grateful for that. It’s so embarrassing being a teenage girl anyway without your Dad knowing you are at it!

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Anasnake · 04/02/2018 10:26

Get her an implant, in case she's likely to forget the pill. Be sensible about it. Telling her off or shaming her is not going to stop it. Abstinence does not work.

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Worldsworstcook · 04/02/2018 10:30

I got Dd the implant when she came to me at 16. Didn't have to remember the pill or leave evidence around!

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Enidthecat · 04/02/2018 10:35

primark you're deluding yourself if you think a) 15 year olds don't have sex and b) that you'd even notice that your son was sexually active. Even if you did notice and tried to stop it all your achieve is making sure your son lost all respect for you and never confided in you again.

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MargaretCavendish · 04/02/2018 10:36

Like a PP, I don't have a teenage daughter, but I started having sex at 15 myself. My mum handled it very much as OP has, and I think that was just right - you're not going to stop it, so being calm and supportive about contraception is much better than scaring her into hiding it (and thus not getting the pill because you might find out, etc.). From my own memories of my friends this -

I do think to a certain extent you can prevent it happening though. Both parents aware while they are at either home, doors open. Might do heavy petting but much less likely to have underage sex.

Prevented absolutely no one from having sex, but did mean they did it in riskier places or lied to their parents about their whereabouts to get opportunities.

I also agree that the 'line' at 16 is necessary legally, but fairly arbitrary in practice - especially given as school years actually make a much bigger difference. If this girl is year 11 then she will have friends who have already turned 16 - they have such similar experiences and are at the same life stage; it seems a bit crazy to insist that the September born girl is completely ready and mature enough, but the July born girl in the very same class as her is absolutely not.

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Purplerain101 · 04/02/2018 10:36

I was having sex when I was 14 with my 15 year old boyfriend. We used condoms and I didn’t tell my mum anything about it until a year or so later when I asked her to take me to the DRs for the pill. She assumed I was only losing my virginity then but i’d already been sexually active for over a year.
My dad had to take my sister for an abortion when she was 16 and she had been on the pill. She wasn’t taking it properly even though my parents would constantly remind her.
If I were you i’d want to physically see her take the pill at the same time each day, and I’d also be strongly advising her to use condoms too. If you won’t gain anything out of telling your DH other than him being incredibly anxious/angry about it all then I wouldn’t bother until she turns 16.

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Enidthecat · 04/02/2018 10:37

And as for changing the law to 18!! You can get married at 16 ffs

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Anasnake · 04/02/2018 10:38

Changing the law to 18 ??? yeah that'll work !!

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Purplerain101 · 04/02/2018 10:41

Changing the law to 18 won’t make a scrap of difference. Teenagers will always find a way to be sexually active if that’s what they want to do. Drinking is illegal under 18 but a lot of teenagers still find a way to get drunk together on the odd occasion. Or smoke together. I used to spin the most elaborate stories to my parents to be able to sneak around and do rebellious things. They didn’t have a clue and thought I was this academic goody two shoes who never stepped a foot wrong. The reality is I was having sex, getting drunk and going to parties behind their backs

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Singlikemiranda · 04/02/2018 10:46

I also first had sex at 15 with my now husband who was 17. My mum also found out by finding a condom in my bedroom when she was putting the washing away. She told me and we had a really good talk and explained that I should go on the pill. I was already on it.
Of course 15 year olds can be responsible enough to make their own decisions. I was in love with my boyfriend and we were very sensible. I am not sure if my mum told my dad, if she did I never knew.
I find it quite insulting that Primark seems to suggest that having sex at 15 means you will drop out of school, have babies and live off benefits. For example my husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, have been together over 20 and have children(born in our 20s) and successful careers. Having sex at a young age hasn't somehow made us make bad decisions!
The teenage rate of pregnancy has decreased in recent years and I think it is because we are generally more open to discussing these things and have better sex education in schools.
The age of consent in many places in Europe is 14, like in Germany, so I very much doubt it will be increased in the UK.