DD 15 cut off her hair tonight

[Serehawk]

I want to give some quick background. DD15 has said that she was trans for the last month or two. I have wrote another thread in that section about this issue. The big thing with her being trans is that the idea usually stems around a boy named Jack. She seems to use being trans as a way to be different because other than being asked why she is trans she says she feels like a boy. She never refers to herself as a boy only as trans. From what I have experienced females who are trans do not refer to themselves that way. They say they are a boy or male; not trans. (Saying she is trans and Jack come into play about her hair in a bit)

We are in the USA.

Okay, DP and I went for a night out tonight. We left DD home alone as she has done this before. We are on our way home when I get a phone call from DD. She is crying and calls me mommy. She only calls me that when something is wrong, she has done something, or she is hurt.

Me: Whats wrong?
DD: Your going to hate me:
Me: What did you do?
DD: I cut off my hair.
Me: WHAT?
DD: Crying.
Me: Why?
DD: Many reasons (crying still)
Me: Start talking.
DD: It's a trans thing. (Notice doesn't say she is a boy)
Me: What else?
DD: I want it short. (Okay I understand that)
Me: What is the real reason? ( I ask this because when answering the other two she seemed like she was holding back)
DD: I don't want to be normal I want to be different. (Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner.)
Me: Your hair was beautiful how it was.
DD: I knew you would say that. (crying louder)
Me: Why didn't you wait? I would've taken you to Teresa's(how hairdresser).
DD: Because if I waited I wouldn't have done it.
Me: Do you regret it?
DD: No I love it(She is crying really loud into the phone)
Me: Why are you crying?
DD: Because I did it.

When we get home she is told that there are consequences to what she has done. I do emphasize that she is in trouble because of cutting it behind our backs when we were out NOT because she wanted it short.

So I take her phone and her truck(She can drive to school in the USA). I make her unlock and take all passcodes off her phone. I begin going thru her messages.

Low and behold, I find what I thought I would find. Here is how the message went.
DD: I want to cut my hair
Jack:(friend from other thread) coughcutyourhairthen
DD: coughiwillwhenseventeenoreighteen
Jack: coughdoitthisyear
DD: coughwhen
Jack: coughdoittonight

There are a could pics of her long hair. Then.
DD: Video chat me. I will only do it that way so I don't chicken out.

Video chat call then a pic of her short hair.

This is not the first time Jack has told her to do things. Last year he tried to control her with late night calls and suicide threats if she didn't answer.

I don't know what to do. Right now she is not allowed any contact with Jack has I have her phone.

She has been told that when she gets it back she is not to lock her phone and I will be reading messages. If I see messages from or to Jack that I don't like there will be no more contact with him. (I have threatened to make her go to a flip phone, she hates them m ore that anything) If she deletes messages, pics, vids or anything then she looses her phone all together.

What else can I do to get thru to her? MAke her see that Jack isn't great. That she is great just how she is.

She thinks that her home cut looks great and it doesn't need fixed at all.

Sorry meant to add before she cut it, it was down to her waist.

I'd be having a long talk with her about giving into peer pressure but I think you've massively overreacted about her cutting her hair. I cut my own hair all the time at 15, and didn't need my mum's permission. It's her hair, how is she cutting it "behind your back?". It's not anything to do with you.

The trans issue is something different although obviously the two are linked. Would you be punishing her for not asking your permission for shorter hair if she had never mentioned being trans?

She's 15. She can decide to cut her own hair.
You all sound bonkers tbh

No advice about the Jack situation, but I honestly can't understand why you've punished her for cutting her hair she's 15, surely she can have her hair how she wants it..?

The issue is not that it is cut it is that she waited till i was out for the evening and then did it. She got punished for doing without permission. I would have happily taken her to get it cut.

She is already regretting it. Caught her in her room saying to herself it will grow back while crying.

I can't understand why she needs you permission though, it's her hair not yours.

Why does she need your permission?

And why do you place so much importance on her hair and appearance? It's just hair.

You should have reassured her it's just hair, it will grow back and you love her regardless.

I think she's done a pretty good job. Offer to take her to a hairdressers to get it styled properly but don't make a massive deal about it, it's not like she shaved it all off.

Purplemac - She had shorter hair a few years ago. (Her choice) so no not a trans issue.

WhittlingIhopMonkey - I probably am bonkers. If it was just the hair then i wouldnt be so crazy. It was that fact that she follows Jacks directions instead of just telling me.

After taking phone i found a bunch of disturbing things to do with jack on it so she wont be getting it back for awhile.

She's 15- of course she can cut her own hair if she wants to. Please stop being do angry with her. She needs love and comfort and support, not punishment and harshness.

The issue here is not necessarily an identity issue but a peer pressure one. The haircut is a red herring

You need to support your daughter in what she wants against Jack

Lordy,Lordy! There are obviously deeper issues here,such as her wanting to be "different" and using the trans thing to qualify her uniqueness,and also a controlling relationship (that would quite frankly terrify me),but to punish her for cutting her hair behind your back is ludicrous. My daughter (11) has in the past come downstairs with both a hatchet job on her hair-hers was her fringe, and shaved eyebrows as she had seen a YouTube tutorial and wanted to copy it. While we had a good talk about applying a razor to your body when you have no experience,and how you can easily hurt yourself,I have no problem with either of those things. The reason I don't have a problem is this-it is her body,and she can do what she wants with it. Just as she has the right to choose to wear whatever she wants (as long as it is appropriate to the event) she can make her own decision about how her hair looks. The other thing I would say is don't harp on about fixing it-if she is happy with the way it turned out,leave her to it. There are enough people out in this world that will shame us for our size,what we wear and how we choose to present ourselves-as a mother,I feel our job is to support our children in whatever decisions they make.

Is that her in the picture? She still has a lot of hair it's certainly not 'cut off'.

Lot of drama created out of nothing about everything by your 15 year old daughter usually? Do you tend to make mountains out of molehills?

You will drive her away- if you want to keep her away from Jack, try to give her a refuge and a space to think.

I think the OP's issue is that her daughter is giving in to Jack's peer pressure, not that she cut her hair.

I understand it is her hair and she can wear it how she wants. She is still only 15. I understand some kids can handle the responsibility of cutting their own hair. She can not. So she isn't allowed to.

If she'd sent the message that she sent to Jack 'I want to cut my hair' would you have told her you would make an appointment or would you have to,d get that she had lovely hair and why would she want to cut it?

She is relying on Jack as she is feeling that you don't get her and he does.

Telling her that her hair was beautiful and why did she cut it was not helpful. It's not what she needed to hear. Give her a fist of dollars and tell her to find a hairdressers.

She got punished for doing without permission. I would have happily taken her to get it cut.

She is 15, she should not need permission. She should not need you 'taking' her.

Are you so controlling about other things? I say this because my mother was incredibly controlling so when I met a boy who was toxic I didn't see it. He was just less controlling than my mother so I thought it was freedom.

I was so used to having to ask permission for anything and everything and being controlled, told when and where I could go that it just seemed natural.

She cut her hair because she wanted to. At fifteen, it's reasonable for her to have her hair how she wants it.

She phoned you in tears because of it. Not because she regretted itshe wanted it shortbut because she'd cut it and she knew you'd be angry.

You could have comforted her, told her it was her hair and she was entitled to do what she liked with it. Instead, you punished her for cutting her hair without your permission. You looked at her private phone messages.

You are now blaming her friend Jack. I don't think Jack is the one at fault here, I think you are.

She's growing up. You should be encouraging her to take responsibility for herself, not punishing her when she does it.

How old is Jack?

Does he go to her school?

Was Jack born a boy? Is he TG?

I'm on the fence about a 15 year old needing permission to cut her hair. In 'real life' I think that's probably how most parents I know would feel, on MN it always seems that as soon as they're old enough to talk, they can have their hair how they want. However, I think the issue here is that she knew how you would feel, but did it behind your back anyway because Jack encouraged her. In one way that's worrying, in another that's what teens do.

I just think after last year, Jack would be out of her life, even if it meant changing school, no phone, no truck, etc

It's seems to be an unpopular view on MN, but I think we (as a society) are currently making a huge fuck up with children & 'trans'. I have a lot of sympathy for people who genuinely feel they've been born in the wrong body, However, I think the vast majority of children/teens are just either confused/unhappy about what it means to be a boy or a girl or are confused about their sexuality. It feels like it's being encouraged/acted on in far too many children & at far too young an age.

She already regrets doing it. That's punishment enough - punishment that will last for ages. I think your best move now would be to have some sympathy for her and try to comfort her. Take her to her stylist as soon as you can, and get her a cute cut that she likes at that length.

For now, let her talk when she is willing, and try to listen to her issues without anger or judgment. We all make mistakes that we regret - especially with our hair - as teenagers, and she has a LOT going on right now. And it is her hair. There really isn't anything wrong with her taking it into her own hands, whether you were with her or not. She is growing up fast now, and she needs and deserves that independence and that body autonomy anyway. I personally don't think it's right to punish her for cutting it, but particularly not now she's crying about it.

IMO - and obviously this is based only on what you've said here and in no way an expert opinion - it doesn't sound to me like she is terribly certain that she is trans; it sounds like this could indeed be a peer pressure thing or at least be something that she is still trying to work out. The pressure may not necessarily come from this Jack; she may very well have told him that she wants to cut her hair, and he may well simply be trying to support her. But it's apparently quite "cool" to be trans these days (or to be gender-unique in some way), and kids do go to great lengths to stand out in that arena.

I worry that a lot of impressionable kids are inadvertently being influenced, before they are sure, into making irreversible decisions that could severely damage their bodies. That is, of course, not at all to say that nobody is trans or that trans issues are not valid or even that teenagers cannot be absolutely sure that they are trans - I would never make such assertions as I do not believe those things - that's just not the impression I get about her from your posts, that's all.

I really do think you need to go easy on her right now, to talk to her and listen to her as much as she will share (I know they can be awfully stand-offish at her ate), and try your best to help her work through things and be CERTAIN that this is indeed what she needs. I imagine she needs your shoulder right now far more than she needs (or deserves) discipline, both for her emotional state and for her development.

*All statements in this post are opinions. I am not an expert. I am only trying to offer support and friendly advice.

In what way can't she handle the responsibility of getting her own hair cut at 15? I genuinely don't understand that. What is there to be responsible for?

Telling her that her hair was beautiful and why did she cut it was not helpful. It's not what she needed to hear. Give her a fist of dollars and tell her to find a hairdressers

^ this

The issue is her friendship with jack not the diy haircut.

Going through her messages is a huge invasion of privacy. Taking her truck because she cut her hair is a massive overreaction. Telling her it was beautiful before-not helpful at all. Why have you posted a picture of her here? I'm guessing you don't have her permission.

Blame jack all you want but the way you're treating your daughter will make her hate you.