DD 15 cut off her hair tonight

[Serehawk]

I want to give some quick background. DD15 has said that she was trans for the last month or two. I have wrote another thread in that section about this issue. The big thing with her being trans is that the idea usually stems around a boy named Jack. She seems to use being trans as a way to be different because other than being asked why she is trans she says she feels like a boy. She never refers to herself as a boy only as trans. From what I have experienced females who are trans do not refer to themselves that way. They say they are a boy or male; not trans. (Saying she is trans and Jack come into play about her hair in a bit)

We are in the USA.

Okay, DP and I went for a night out tonight. We left DD home alone as she has done this before. We are on our way home when I get a phone call from DD. She is crying and calls me mommy. She only calls me that when something is wrong, she has done something, or she is hurt.

Me: Whats wrong?
DD: Your going to hate me:
Me: What did you do?
DD: I cut off my hair.
Me: WHAT?
DD: Crying.
Me: Why?
DD: Many reasons (crying still)
Me: Start talking.
DD: It's a trans thing. (Notice doesn't say she is a boy)
Me: What else?
DD: I want it short. (Okay I understand that)
Me: What is the real reason? ( I ask this because when answering the other two she seemed like she was holding back)
DD: I don't want to be normal I want to be different. (Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner.)
Me: Your hair was beautiful how it was.
DD: I knew you would say that. (crying louder)
Me: Why didn't you wait? I would've taken you to Teresa's(how hairdresser).
DD: Because if I waited I wouldn't have done it.
Me: Do you regret it?
DD: No I love it(She is crying really loud into the phone)
Me: Why are you crying?
DD: Because I did it.

When we get home she is told that there are consequences to what she has done. I do emphasize that she is in trouble because of cutting it behind our backs when we were out NOT because she wanted it short.

So I take her phone and her truck(She can drive to school in the USA). I make her unlock and take all passcodes off her phone. I begin going thru her messages.

Low and behold, I find what I thought I would find. Here is how the message went.
DD: I want to cut my hair
Jack:(friend from other thread) coughcutyourhairthen
DD: coughiwillwhenseventeenoreighteen
Jack: coughdoitthisyear
DD: coughwhen
Jack: coughdoittonight

There are a could pics of her long hair. Then.
DD: Video chat me. I will only do it that way so I don't chicken out.

Video chat call then a pic of her short hair.

This is not the first time Jack has told her to do things. Last year he tried to control her with late night calls and suicide threats if she didn't answer.

I don't know what to do. Right now she is not allowed any contact with Jack has I have her phone.

She has been told that when she gets it back she is not to lock her phone and I will be reading messages. If I see messages from or to Jack that I don't like there will be no more contact with him. (I have threatened to make her go to a flip phone, she hates them m ore that anything) If she deletes messages, pics, vids or anything then she looses her phone all together.

What else can I do to get thru to her? MAke her see that Jack isn't great. That she is great just how she is.

She thinks that her home cut looks great and it doesn't need fixed at all.

My daughter cut her own hair shortish (similar length to your DD) at 13 at home, behind my back without my permission, but my thoughts were that it's her hair and she did it, so she can deal with the consequences. I didn't react to it. As it turns out, my DD didn't like it and grew it all back (she's now 15). I found it no big deal and didn't make an issue of it.
I would reassure your DD over the haircut - it's her hair and her choice, she has to live with it, but it does sound like the relationship with Jack is a much bigger problem, he sounds controlling and she sounds very impressionable. I would get her some counselling so she has someone to talk to and help to make her own choices in life without being manipulated by friends. I would also step back a bit as a parent as she is 15 and old enough to make more decisions on her own. I don't think taking the phone is wrong under the circumstances though. I would be very wary of someone I thought was pressurizing my daughter and/or negatively influencing them and it's hard to know what to do about it. Maybe also have a quiet word and ask for some confidential advice at her school.

I think that saying a 15 year old can't handle the 'responsibility' of cutting their own hair is bizarre. It's her hair. If she's cut it and she doesn't like it shorter, she has to live with it until it grows out. Punishing her for cutting her hair without asking you is seriously OTT.

I'd be concerned about the influence that Jack has over her too, but conflating it with the issue of hair-cutting isn't the best way to address the issue.

She may or may not take this trans identity on into adulthood, I think it is quite likely just a teen exploration thing - but don't we all do that with something? I used to listen to Placebo and flop around philosophising about death, for heaven's sake. For that matter, haven't most of us given ourselves terrible hair at some point in the teen years? I recall a LOT of dodgy home cuts and dye jobs on schoomates at that age. You seriously need to take stuff like the hair in your stride.

If Jack is controlling, all the more need for you to model healthy boundaries. Jack is positioning himself as an ally and currently you're positioning yourself as an enemy - I know you don't think of yourself that way, but she will if you try to control her more than you try to understand how she feels. Which is not the same as triumphantly deducing that she wants to feel different. Of course she does, she's 15, they're all trying on new identities to figure out who their adult selves are going to be. Don't sneer at her for doing something that's developmentally normal, try to actually understand what it's like in her head right now.

Also, why is she responsible enough to drive a truck, which could easily kill a person if she makes one split second's poor judgement - but she can't be trusted to make decisions about her own hair, which harms no one? If I can notice that kind of cognitive dissonance in how you parent, so can she, and she will stop trusting your judgement.

The real issue is her doing exactly what Jack tells her to. Does she know Jack in real life or is he an online friend only.

When it comes to radical hair changes, I'm not talking teens trimming their fringes forget trans and Jack it can be according to my mate who is an actual psychologist not an armchair one a sign of deep distress.

I wonder if the issue is you dont think she can handle the responsibility of making a decision so she cant. So she has found herself in an abusive relationship with someone who controls her because that is the way that she can make decisions.

What can you do to get through to her, enable her to make decisions herself, let her take responsibility tell her she does not need anyone's permission to cut her hair or do anything like that.

Because at the moment you are telling her that she is not capable and that only you can, but what happens if she does not agree with you, you are telling her her she cant make that decision and Jack has stepped into the vacuum you have created

You need to give her phone back and you need to trust her, because at the moment she is flitting between one controlling situation and another and the trans thing is her way of trying to scream out that she wants to try and take control herself

Also, 'great how she is' from you sounds a bit like 'great how she was before she started all this silly identity exploration stuff'. 'Great how she was before she wanted to change'. The fact is she's going to change immensely in the next decade of her life, and this teen stuff is laying the groundwork for those changes. Of course it looks a bit silly to an adult, but it's deadly serious to her. I think maybe you need to see that she's great however she is, so long as she's healthy and safe.

It does Seem that you have over reacted and are not addressing some of the deeper issues here.

I'd be far more concerned about this 'friend' Jack and the fact that she was frightened to tell you that she'd cut her hair, than the actual haircut.
Why on earth do you think she's not capable of making decisions about her own hair and needs your 'permission'? I had my long hair chopped into a very short pixie cut by a friend (!) when I was 14, my mum wasn't impressed but certainly didn't punish me for doing it.
I think you've got far more serious issues to address than her hair. Is she being groomed by this Jack person?

I've not experienced this as a parent and it must be hard. But from my memories of this kind of thing as a teen I'd say don't try and control her out of a controlling relationship.

If you contribute to this notion that she needs telling what to do you are effectively colluding with Jack in making her feel she needs someone to take direction from.

You need to help her find her own direction/independence and resolve.

I am concerned about the wrestle your dd is having between you and Jack and herself - you need to encourage her to have confidence in her own needs and preferences - are you very controlling normally or is it only about hair?

You are the problem here.

From what I recall of the OP's previous thread I'm not sure she is healthy and safe, and I do understand why the OP took her phone away. I also agree with pretty much everyone that punishing her is not the right response. It is only hair, and if she's given herself a bad cut she'll feel the consequences herself.

What I think I'd do is look at getting some counseling to see if your dd can get better at making her own decisions and being less susceptible to influence, but I'd also be very concerned that the counselor might go down a trans rabbit hole instead so finding the right person might be a challenge. Oh and be aware that the counseling might uncover some changes needed in parenting too so that the dd can grow up making her own decisions.

Give a hug, some money and let her get her haircut sorted out.

The hair is just hard and will grow.

Have you met Jack?
Has she??

She sounds like a quite normal teenager who is trying and struggling to find her identity. Chances are she is not trans but it's something that is spouted everywhere, it is pleasingly 'different' and has good shock-value which is what teenagers need to become separate from their parents and their parents values.

I'd very much down-play the whole sorry episode, but invite Jack to the house if that is practical.
She sounds unhappy, confused and 'shopping around' for who she is.

You need to be listening to and supporting your Dd.

I feel horrified by your immediate punitive approach.

You can still get the hair neatly cut at a hardresser.

You can still ask to see her phone, but as a boundary and safeguarding, not a punishment.

She is responsible enough to drive a 'truck' on tne roads, you know, where a wring decision might kill someone, but you instantly punish her because she cut her own hair?

Your FIRST THOUGHT when your distressed, confused and conflicted teen calls is to interrogate her to find the misdemeanour (Bingo!) in your eyes which you immediately meet with talk of 'consequences ' before you have even seen tne haircut.

She sounds like a normal teen with an added level of unhappiness, confusion and insecurity. And the unfortunate addition of Jack.

You need to talk, listen, re-assure, support, let her trust you.

Not punish her for her emotional state. You are isolating her in her unhappiness.

It's hair, it grows back, it's temporary. Can't believe you are punishing her about the hair.

Jack sounds like a prat. Yet, ask yourself why she trusts Jack more than she does you. :(

You allow your daughter to drive but you don't allow her to cut her hair?

I agree that Jack is an issue. But so are you given that you punish your daughter for something minor when what she really needs is your support to learn to deal with peer pressure.

In fact, I think it's utterly disgraceful you have punished her so severely for succumbing to peer pressure.

She is still only 15. I understand some kids can handle the responsibility of cutting their own hair. She can not. So she isn't allowed to.

This comment is very worrying.

Is she not neuro-typical? Does she have mental or developmental disabilities that you have not mentioned?

Assuming she does not have any developmental problems, then why do you believe she is incapable of handling the simple responsibility of styling her own hair? Is it because she would make style decisions you would not approve of? Is it because she has come to you worried about such decisions before?

She may well call you crying because she knows you will be angry and fears your punishment, not because she regrets her "impulsive and poor" decision making. She may well have cut her hair on her own because she knew you would never support her decision to have her own hair her own way.

Unless she is atypical or has special needs, you refusing to let her make decisions about her own hair sounds overly controlling, stifling, and even potentially inhibiting. Your lack of confidence in her abilities, and refusal to allow her such simple and personal responsibilities, could cause her own lack of confidence in herself, and her own inability to rely upon herself. That cycle could be, in and of itself, the very reason why you don't believe she can handle such harmless decisions as her own hair. Encouraging her to make her own decisions, and to deal with (and learn from) her own failures, is the only way she will ever be able to grow and develop, as well as the only way she will ever prove to you that she is capable.

At ~15, it is inevitable that she will begin to pull back from you, to rely more upon her peer group far more than her parents and family, to seek the advice of friends and to trust their opinions (particularly about things like fashion) more than she trusts yours. That's because she is growing up, preparing to strike out on her own and become an independent adult, and learning to depend upon (and trust) herself and others her age. As adults, it's what we all must do, and as teenagers, it's what they all must prepare for. That is not to say that this Jack is harmless - he does sound like somebody you should keep an eye on - but she will be taking more advice and instruction from peers than family from here on. Frankly it's lucky she hasn't started doing more of these things already.

I simply cannot agree with "only" 15. She is "only" 15 in the sense she should not be given the responsibility of a credit card or a flat, but her own hair?? I cannot agree with that, unless she is disabled - and even then, it's only hair and it grows back.

As you are in America, it will be less than three years until she is legally free to strike out on her own, undertake binding contracts, live in her own flat or even take on a bloody mortgage, die in a war, get permanent tattoos, take out and use credit cards, support herself financially, and in all other ways become an independent adult. I won't even tell you what she'd be legally free to do over here just next year. Obviously loads of learning happens in those three years, but if you cannot trust her now to make such simple, reversible, and completely harmless decisions as her own hair, how on earth will she ever become responsible enough for you to trust her supporting herself and making ALL of her own (including very permanent and impactful) decisions as an adult, in only three short years?!

What she needs right now is your support and encouragement, not your discipline. It's past time she had the most basic body autonomy like a hair cut. Punishing her and continuing to forbid her making such personal, temporary, and harmless decisions on her own will only push her away from you at this volatile age, and she will run right into the arms of potentially bad influence peers who she feels enable her to have the freedom she so craves and needs.

(Yikes, sorry for such a long post! Brevity is not my strong suit!)

If she's old enough to drive surely she's old enough to cut her hair? If she liked it that's up to her. If not take her to get it neatened. At 15 I was dying and perming it was the 80s my hair without checking with my parents. Maybe you need to try and separate this from the other issues?

I dont think this is about her hair cut.

I think its about the way it was done.
The OP has said DD has had short hair before so its not an issue.

Whats worrying is that she was encouraged to do it in secret by a boy who has a disturbing hold over her.
This kind of relationship is not healthy.

You need to help her see that.
Encourage her to be open and honest with you and tell her how respect her opinions and choices but as her mum and because you care about her you will want to discuss those choices. Not to change her mind but so she can make the choice thats best for her not other people or be based on their influences alone.

From what I recall of the OP's previous thread I'm not sure she is healthy and safe, and I do understand why the OP took her phone away.

OK, I went and read the other thread. Jack does sound like a problem and I wouldn't want him in my child's life either - controlling someone with suicide threats is abusive and I would be worried for my child.

But Jack seems to represent a lot of things that the OP's child identifies with, and I really think that conflating the whole trans issue with Jack is going to bind her more tightly to him. If she thinks she can't forge her own identity without him, she will cling to him. She messaged him wanting to cut her hair in the first place, he encouraged her - she may have done it to please him but the idea didn't just come from him. She needs to know she can still be herself - whoever that is - without Jack.

I think that in ten years this kid will probably be laughing and embarrassed and saying 'Oh my god, do you remember the time I decided I was trans?' Not definitely, but probably. However, she's not that 25 year old right now, she's 15. Refusing to respect any of her ideas about trans identity and trans rights will only lead her to reject her family as transphobic.

Another thing I noticed from the other thread is that the OP interprets the trans stuff (and the daughter's overidentification with the police talk about abuse that took place at school) as 'lying'. I don't think it's lying at all. I think it's a teenager casting about for something that will explain how weird and sad and unsettled she feels. And yes, part of it is probably attention seeking, but again the key question is why she feels she needs the attention.

I'm confused, from your initial post I thought "Jack" was a persona she had chosen to express herself but now you are implying he is a real person she sounds off with , is he a rl friend or online, same age? Are you worried she is being groomed and influenced in which case It would be a police matter. If so the hair is the least of your worries.

Sod the hair! Jack is a much more important issue. Why is he telling her what to do? Why is she so caught in his trap of control?

Hair is hair it will grow and actually I like the length she's cut it to. I'd be seriously concerned about Jack. If he goes to her school can you ask school about their friendship there?

Okay. Lots of posts telling me off for overreacting.

I did overreact. I apologized to Dd this morning when we both got up. She has her truck back as many PP was right that if she can drive she can get her hair cut.

She has asked to see our stylist to get it trimmed up. We will be doing that this weekend. On talking this morning she told me she did it to force her own hand cuz she was afraid she wouldnt do it. I am understanding a little more, still disappointed she didnt just ask to go to stylist to get it done. But I did not tell her that this morning.

To the PP who said I didnt have permission to post that photo. I got it from her, but as she has it posted to many online sites with public settings then she has given it out. I see no difference between posting here and sharing on facebook for others to see.

In regards to Jack.

Jack is 18 going on 19 this fall. They met online in a game chatroom 3.5 years ago. Jack lives halfway across the country. He has made one trip out to see her last summer.

What I have found recently is that she is sending him pornographic pictures. Here in the usa he could get in alot of trouble for having them and hef for sending them. He is asking for these pictures of my child. I have found posts dating a year ago or more where he is asking and she is sending. That would make her 13/14 when she started sending them.

Dd has sent moat recent last night before cutting her 💇. It is serious as she can get in a lot of legal trouble for it.

This is why i still have her phone. I need to really talk to her but before school was not the right time.

Many are telling me it is an invasion of privacy. It may well be, but she is 15 and I go thru it to protect her.

That being said I have only gone thru stuff she has with Jack as that is where the issue lies. I said earlier i found bad stuff.