DD 15 cut off her hair tonight

[Serehawk]

I want to give some quick background. DD15 has said that she was trans for the last month or two. I have wrote another thread in that section about this issue. The big thing with her being trans is that the idea usually stems around a boy named Jack. She seems to use being trans as a way to be different because other than being asked why she is trans she says she feels like a boy. She never refers to herself as a boy only as trans. From what I have experienced females who are trans do not refer to themselves that way. They say they are a boy or male; not trans. (Saying she is trans and Jack come into play about her hair in a bit)

We are in the USA.

Okay, DP and I went for a night out tonight. We left DD home alone as she has done this before. We are on our way home when I get a phone call from DD. She is crying and calls me mommy. She only calls me that when something is wrong, she has done something, or she is hurt.

Me: Whats wrong?
DD: Your going to hate me:
Me: What did you do?
DD: I cut off my hair.
Me: WHAT?
DD: Crying.
Me: Why?
DD: Many reasons (crying still)
Me: Start talking.
DD: It's a trans thing. (Notice doesn't say she is a boy)
Me: What else?
DD: I want it short. (Okay I understand that)
Me: What is the real reason? ( I ask this because when answering the other two she seemed like she was holding back)
DD: I don't want to be normal I want to be different. (Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner.)
Me: Your hair was beautiful how it was.
DD: I knew you would say that. (crying louder)
Me: Why didn't you wait? I would've taken you to Teresa's(how hairdresser).
DD: Because if I waited I wouldn't have done it.
Me: Do you regret it?
DD: No I love it(She is crying really loud into the phone)
Me: Why are you crying?
DD: Because I did it.

When we get home she is told that there are consequences to what she has done. I do emphasize that she is in trouble because of cutting it behind our backs when we were out NOT because she wanted it short.

So I take her phone and her truck(She can drive to school in the USA). I make her unlock and take all passcodes off her phone. I begin going thru her messages.

Low and behold, I find what I thought I would find. Here is how the message went.
DD: I want to cut my hair
Jack:(friend from other thread) coughcutyourhairthen
DD: coughiwillwhenseventeenoreighteen
Jack: coughdoitthisyear
DD: coughwhen
Jack: coughdoittonight

There are a could pics of her long hair. Then.
DD: Video chat me. I will only do it that way so I don't chicken out.

Video chat call then a pic of her short hair.

This is not the first time Jack has told her to do things. Last year he tried to control her with late night calls and suicide threats if she didn't answer.

I don't know what to do. Right now she is not allowed any contact with Jack has I have her phone.

She has been told that when she gets it back she is not to lock her phone and I will be reading messages. If I see messages from or to Jack that I don't like there will be no more contact with him. (I have threatened to make her go to a flip phone, she hates them m ore that anything) If she deletes messages, pics, vids or anything then she looses her phone all together.

What else can I do to get thru to her? MAke her see that Jack isn't great. That she is great just how she is.

She thinks that her home cut looks great and it doesn't need fixed at all.

Absolutely understand where your coming from.

It's not the cutting of hair, it's the reason the hair was cut, how the hair was cut and when. It's about you thinking your daughter was pressured into something, about you thinking your daughter might be in an EA relationship.

It's about so much more than your DD cutting her hair but that's how it's manifested on this occasion.

I would feel exactly the same.

It's seems to be an unpopular view on MN, but I think we (as a society) are currently making a huge fuck up with children & 'trans'. I have a lot of sympathy for people who genuinely feel they've been born in the wrong body, However, I think the vast majority of children/teens are just either confused/unhappy about what it means to be a boy or a girl or are confused about their sexuality. It feels like it's being encouraged/acted on in far too many children & at far too young an age
^ I also agree with this. Society has gone too far with painting girls as pink and fluffy vs boys as hard and macho. So when our children don't want to do the stereotypical thing, it automatically becomes an issue of gender or sexuality. When actually it might not be.

Tbh I seems that she doesn't have a trans 'iqssue' but a friend issue.

Cutting her hair is just one of the symptoms. Don't focus on that, punish her, giver her consequences etc... it's only hair and it will grow again if she wants to.

But you do need to address the issue of 'Jack' (whoever that person is).

I would be looking at counselling for her. She needs support, a place to sort out how she feels about 'Jack', learn to stand up to 'peer' pressure and as many ways as possible to build up her self esteem.
Yes ur dd seems lost more than anything else. She needs support not punishment.

Oh and don't take your DD to a hair dresser, ask her does she want to go.

Forget about her hair. Don't worry that she cut it, or that she didn't talk to you first. It's just hair, it's hers, and it will grow.

Focus on the fact that she did it because Jack encouraged her to, and now she regrets it. Be a safe place that she can talk about that. Don't be another person who's trying to control her.

Also who is 'Jack'??
Does that person exist in RL? How did your dd meet Jack?

But why are you punishing her?

There is a huge backstory here which I don't think some posters appreciate.

She's got some very serious issues going on. I think you are right to be concerned about jack, she seems to be behaving to get his attention all the time.

This could be a good lesson for her that she's upset that she cut her hair.

I think you could do with professional advice.

Can you say any more about Jack?

Honestly, this sounds like quite controlling behavior, and I would worry that it would create distrust with your DD and (from experience) kids get sneaky if they can't trust their parents with the truth.
Whether she is mature enough to cut her own hair, reading teenage DCs phone messages is a breach of privacy - personal conversations are just that, knowing what your DD is up to is important but she should be able to trust you.
In saying that, I can understand your concerns around Jack. He is pressuring her and in that situation, she needs a strong support network. I think carefully approaching the issue might be the best way to go because as PP has said you may end up driving her away. If you have a close relationship with her maybe you could have a calm talk with her about it? If not, another adult she trusts or a psychologist? I don't think is so much a trans issue as much as it is her becoming friendly with people because of a lack of support at home.

All you can do is monitor her interactions with Jack to see how influenced she is by her peers. Limiting access to the internet at 15 will be hard, might be easier to make an agreement that you can spot check her conversations with him.

Raising 13-16yo can be hard work. My dd was for a while - peer pressure, attitude issues etc - but she's grown up a bit over last 6mths and has recently turned 17. It didn't help she is August born and her close friends at beginning of school year so they were always ahead of her.

I had controlling parents -you sound much like them. I didn't know how to be me as I hadn't been allowed to make mistakes without huge consequences so terrified of being an adult I went from one controlling relationship to another.

Forgetting this issue I think you really need to go back to basics with you and your daughters relationship and let her grow and make mistakes. It's what will mound her and let her find her own path.

She was devastated and crying over the phone because YOU wouldn't like her hair - she said that she loved it. There is something quite weird about that. It is completely up to her how she wears her hair and who cuts it. She doesn't need permission to make a change to her hair. I wonder if you had a more relaxed attitude to her appearance she wouldn't have latched on to this idea of being trans as a way to be different.

I also think the hair is a red herring.
This is about her being torn between doing what you want, and doing what Jack wants, and possibly doing what she wants, although her actually knowing what she wants might be in doubt.

The situation with Jack definitely needs further exploration and hopefully an explanation because friends who can exert such influence over her, especially to do things against her parents' wishes/ concerns/feelings has the potential to be very dangerous.

You need to back off with the "punishment" aspect and get her to talk. Find out what's going on with her, if you can, and see where this impetus is coming from.

I wonder if she struggles to know and enforce her boundaries with Jack because she doesn't get a sense of having a right to her boundaries from home?

Whyever can't she have the responsibility for her haircut at 15? I think you're investing the long hair (you mention it was down to her waist) with the status of a symbol of her femininity, which you see as under threat from Jack/the 'trans' thing. (And FWIW I agree with the PP who very eloquently said that a 'trans' agenda is being forced on many many kids for whom it just isn't appropriate).

If she's cutting off her hair on the instruction of Jack - what else is she doing?

Does she know Jack in RL?

Most of you seem to be ignoring the real problem here. The daughter has a relationship with a controlling individual and is being unduly influenced by him. She needs professional help and her mother is right to remove the phone which he uses to manipulate her.

OP please get your daughter professional help to get her to realize she is being abused and help her work out how to pull away from this toxic person.
You must be very stressed out.

What do you mean about her being unable to handle the responsibility of cutting her hair? She's made a perfectly reasonable job of it, after all - it's not as if she's shaved it all off or cut it into tufts.

I may be wrong here bit you sound quite controlling. My parents were really strict but by the time I was 15 I had been deciding how to have my hair for a long time (and going to the hairdresser on my own). Maybe this is why she has entered into another controlling relationship with Jack? Is it just what she's used to?
She comes across as feeling that she is boring and needing to make herself more interesting. She needs to know she can be loved for who she is

This jack sounds like a psycho. What else can he tell her to do that she does?
I would forget the hair and try to sort out what this 'friendship' is doing.

The daughter has a relationship with a controlling individual and is being unduly influenced by him.

Absolutely this - Jack sounds dangerous. What else is he going to decide to persuade her to do.

The hair doesn't matter at all - it's the fact that Jack persuaded her to do it that's the problem.

to handle the responsibility of cutting her hair - what does this even mean?
It sounds to me as if you are emotionally invested in her having long hair. It's just hair, for goodness sake.
I've noticed this kind of attitude on youtube - teenage girls wanting pixie cuts but their parents not 'allowing them' to. What is it about girls having short hair at the moment?

This bit in particular bothers me about your OP:
"This is not the first time Jack has told her to do things. Last year he tried to control her with late night calls and suicide threats if she didn't answer."

THe trouble is that by completely cutting off her access to Jack, who I still think has the potential to be a very dangerous influence on her, you are adding to the problem because she will just see it as you oppressing her friendship (all very Romeo and Juliet). I'd be inclined to see if I could find out who Jack was in RL and go from there. And if your local police have any form of cybercrime advice they can offer you. I mean, is Jack even a real peer of hers? OR someone she's just "met" online?

Punishing her for cutting her hair is completely crazy - you are pushing her towards Jack with your behaviour because she'll need to talk to someone about your crazy behaviour.
15 year olds are searching for their identity, that's completely normal and trying to be different in some way - rebelling against your parents is completely normal too and by over-reacting to a haircut adds fuel to the rebellion.
Chill out - she is telling you that she can make her own decisions about her body - it's symbolic, of her need to take control - the conversation with Jack is her fear of making a decision - it's scary and empowering being the one who decides.
If you continue trying to take control over the small stuff, this battle will continue and probably get worse - save the intervention for the stuff that matters.

She is still only 15. I understand some kids can handle the responsibility of cutting their own hair. She can not. So she isn't allowed to

What does that even mean?