DD 15 cut off her hair tonight

[Serehawk]

I want to give some quick background. DD15 has said that she was trans for the last month or two. I have wrote another thread in that section about this issue. The big thing with her being trans is that the idea usually stems around a boy named Jack. She seems to use being trans as a way to be different because other than being asked why she is trans she says she feels like a boy. She never refers to herself as a boy only as trans. From what I have experienced females who are trans do not refer to themselves that way. They say they are a boy or male; not trans. (Saying she is trans and Jack come into play about her hair in a bit)

We are in the USA.

Okay, DP and I went for a night out tonight. We left DD home alone as she has done this before. We are on our way home when I get a phone call from DD. She is crying and calls me mommy. She only calls me that when something is wrong, she has done something, or she is hurt.

Me: Whats wrong?
DD: Your going to hate me:
Me: What did you do?
DD: I cut off my hair.
Me: WHAT?
DD: Crying.
Me: Why?
DD: Many reasons (crying still)
Me: Start talking.
DD: It's a trans thing. (Notice doesn't say she is a boy)
Me: What else?
DD: I want it short. (Okay I understand that)
Me: What is the real reason? ( I ask this because when answering the other two she seemed like she was holding back)
DD: I don't want to be normal I want to be different. (Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner.)
Me: Your hair was beautiful how it was.
DD: I knew you would say that. (crying louder)
Me: Why didn't you wait? I would've taken you to Teresa's(how hairdresser).
DD: Because if I waited I wouldn't have done it.
Me: Do you regret it?
DD: No I love it(She is crying really loud into the phone)
Me: Why are you crying?
DD: Because I did it.

When we get home she is told that there are consequences to what she has done. I do emphasize that she is in trouble because of cutting it behind our backs when we were out NOT because she wanted it short.

So I take her phone and her truck(She can drive to school in the USA). I make her unlock and take all passcodes off her phone. I begin going thru her messages.

Low and behold, I find what I thought I would find. Here is how the message went.
DD: I want to cut my hair
Jack:(friend from other thread) coughcutyourhairthen
DD: coughiwillwhenseventeenoreighteen
Jack: coughdoitthisyear
DD: coughwhen
Jack: coughdoittonight

There are a could pics of her long hair. Then.
DD: Video chat me. I will only do it that way so I don't chicken out.

Video chat call then a pic of her short hair.

This is not the first time Jack has told her to do things. Last year he tried to control her with late night calls and suicide threats if she didn't answer.

I don't know what to do. Right now she is not allowed any contact with Jack has I have her phone.

She has been told that when she gets it back she is not to lock her phone and I will be reading messages. If I see messages from or to Jack that I don't like there will be no more contact with him. (I have threatened to make her go to a flip phone, she hates them m ore that anything) If she deletes messages, pics, vids or anything then she looses her phone all together.

What else can I do to get thru to her? MAke her see that Jack isn't great. That she is great just how she is.

She thinks that her home cut looks great and it doesn't need fixed at all.

You won't report grooming of your daughter in case she gets into trouble? Bloody hell. Victim blaming much?

I suggest you do some online investigation into child grooming and contact some US organizations who specialize in this area for advice.

They prosecute the child!!!!! What the actual fuck????

They can here. I doubt they would when it is an adult asking the child and the child responding but they can.

Exactly - I doubt they would, but it's exactly the same in the UK - and a lot of parents use that as a stick to beat their sexy selfie taking teens with. Don't send pictures to your boyfriend because it's against the law. It's exactly the same rule that we use to tell our kids not to share pictures of your friends girlfriend either. Not cool. That's distribution of of porn at best, and worse if they are underage.

In the op's shoes I would report anyway. Sure the dd might get some heat from the cops, but ultimately the actual adult predator would get more. For the sake of protecting my child from an adult creeper, I'd take the risk. It doesn't make any sense not to.

I remember your last thread . You need to inform the authorities and get your DD into counseling or therapy. Maybe there is someone at school she can talk to?

She needs to be in no contact with Jack at all.
He a fucking psycho.

The problem here is Jack. Have you met him? Do you know who he really is? Is that his real name and age? How many other underage girls is he talking to online?

You need to protect your dd and get him out of her life - she's a child and she is being manipulated by him.

That's one heck of a drip feed. Dodgy hair cut vs sending naked pics.

To the PP who said I didnt have permission to post that photo. I got it from her, but as she has it posted to many online sites with public settings then she has given it out. I see no difference between posting here and sharing on facebook for others to see.

This was me and I don't accept this. Her sharing it herself is fine. You sharing it for people to look at how bad her hair cut is isn't on really. There was no need to put it on this thread.

I don't know about this Jack, as I don't know the background but from your post, I can tell that you've placed importance on issues that belong to you, not your daughter. Maybe have a think about why she's seeking validation and acceptance from someone else and stop punishing her for no reason.

Children under 16 in care need permission from their parents for hair cuts. It's perfectly normal to have parental permission before the age of 16.

Is that the child needing permission, or the general permission of the parents, who i assume don't have responsibility for the child?

Do children in care need parental permission because the parents would kick off at the foster parents or authorities for carrying out a "parental" task?

For some reason parents seem to have a really wierd control issue about hair. Even on here, if a mil/dm/dh/ex/stepparent dares do anything to a childs hair without a parents permission there's hell on.

My own mother was like it about my hair. I had to have it cut how she wanted it until i was around 17.

I also think the o/p has handled the hair thing really badly. The kid is upset because she knew how her mother would react, and tht she's done something "not allowed". It's only hair ffs. There are much bigger issues here- the fact that she doen't want to be a stereotypical girl being one of them. Less pressure on her looks and more support developing her own personality quirks perhaps?

I too think you should flag this up with the police. I would also be careful about removing her phone 'for a long time'. It would be the easiest thing in the world for Jack to send your dd a secret phone, thus opening up some scary possibilities.

It sounds like your dd needs someone to talk to in person, regularly, she's obviously feeling 'something' and is having trouble working it out.

I wonder if she's wanting to be trans in the hope that if she's a boy then Jack won't want her to send nude pics. Maybe the whole thing is making her feel uncomfortable so she's trying to find a way out of not being attractive to him as a girl.

Chopping her hair, being "trans".

To the PP telling me to go to the police. I will. I am getting legal advice fron the family lawyer to make sure DD does not get into trouble. Also talking about how to file a no contact order against Jack.

That way he cant contact her and she cant contact him.

Where i live i am not going to run straight to police without legal council because here they are known for victimizing the victim.

Yes, this is the American police.

It sounds that you are taking this seriously, and not are no longer sidetracked by the non-issue of the DIY hair cut.

I'd be interested to learn what your legal counsel will advise you.

Hope your DD is ok

Oh my, massive grammar fail again.
I should really not post while distracted by other things, sorry.
You get my drift, I hope.

"Yes, this is the American police."

Age of consent works differently in the US and varies a lot between states. Child marriage is still legal in most US states, as is prosecution of children groomed into sending pictures of themselves.

Europe isn't perfect but this is an area of massive difference either side of the pond.

Have you taken on board any of the advice to look at your part in this at all and trying to help your daughter feel confident to make her own decisions?

I agree it sounds like OP issue is with this friend Jack not necessarily the fact that her daughter cut her hair.
OP can I suggest that you find your daughter a good counsellor? It seems that she is being pressured into something by her friend and is unable to hear what you are saying but if there was a neutral safe place where your daughter could really discuss her feelings without feeling being judged then that could help her immensely. I am not saying you are judging her but as a teen I certainly felt disconnected and judged by my parents and know a lot of teens go through this.

Friday night when we both got home from school. ( I work for the school system) DD and I had a short talk. I again apologized and told her that I was wrong for going crazy over her hair. I also told her that I was wrong for taking away her ability to hang out with friends because of it. She would be allowed to go the sports game that night as she planned. The only difference being that I wanted her home after the game instead of staying the weekend out at her friends house.

I wanted her home because the friend lives in a rural area and DD wouldn't be home till late sunday night as that is then next time the family would be coming to town.

I want her home earlier because on Sunday DP will be working and I am going to be talking with DD about the pictures I have found on her phone. I want to do it when we are alone and have some privacy. She and DP get along but not on such a private level and I don't want her to think that he is invading that privacy. She has said things in private to me before regarding sex and that type of thing and didn't want DP to know. So in this instance I want to have the conversation when DP is not home to make her more comfortable.

Am I doing the right thing waiting for DP to be at work? I feel that it would be better because she would be more comfortable having the conversation when he is not there.

100% the right thing to wait for you DP to be out - intimate photos are not something I imagine she wants people to know about especially given she wasn't comfortable with topics of a similar nature in the past.

I'm glad you've calmed down and spoken to your daughter OP. Please make sure you keep approaching this in a supportive manner, it's certainly a delicate situation. Does she know the legal implications of this? Will you tell her you've spoken to a lawyer?

Given that she was so young when she started talking to this boy while he was well into his teens, I would support her not having contact with him. That being said, he's been in her life for a significant amount of time for her age. It's important to remember that as he may well be a large part of her current social support system. Does she have any close friends that know about him? Do they discourage her from talking to him? It'll definitely help her if she has friends her own age to guide her through, or a psychologist/counselor.

Sounds like a plan.

Do please also seek some professional advice on how to help her and what to do about Jack.
She needs to understand that sending any image of herself to anybody means that she loses ALL control over it, it may be shared and can end up on the internet forever.

It is quite common for employers to do social media/google searches on potential employees and she should be protected from a teenaged act to follow her around for the rest of her life.

Jack? He is a worry - at best he is as naive as her, at worst he is not who he pretend to be and is a predator.
You cannot handle all this on your own, but there are people out there who can help.

Well the plan to wait till Sunday to talk to DD has had to be put on hold. DP got a call from work this morning (he works retail) and was told that they did not need him for his shift. So now he is home and I know there will be no privacy in the house to have a conversation. Unfortunately there is no where in the surrounding area I know that DD and I could have a private conversation on a Sunday.

DD has also been in contact with her best friend and invited him (NOT JACK) to come to the house for the afternoon so they can go see a movie. She was able to contact him from the house phone that we have as I still have her cell. She has BF's phone number as I keep a phone # list near the phone and he is on it (His mother is my BF). I was happy that she called this friend and they are going to go hang out. Right now they are playing video games together and then they will be heading out (walking) to the cinema.

This best friend knows about Jack. He does not like Jack but he is supportive of DD. He never bad talks Jack, but does encourage her to get out and do things that do not include being on her phone with Jack all the time.

The plan now for talking with DD will be Monday night when we get home. DP will be at work (not retail as he works retail on weekends and a full time factory job during the week). I have asked DD not to make any plans for Monday night as we have something going on at home. I will be talking to her about the pictures. Showing her research I have found about local girls who have gotten in trouble for doing what she is doing. I am debating on telling her about talking to the lawyer as I have yet to hear back from him. I may wait to see what is said. Depending on the advice will depend on what I tell her regarding the legal matter.

I have been advised by my mother (who I have talked to since this has happened and told me straight up I was crazy for how I acted about DD hair) that I should give DD phone back but not a smartphone. I should get her one that only has calling feature. It is common understanding that Jack does not like to talk on the regular phone as I have never seen and calls in her call log or texts in the regular text form from Jack.

I am debating on following my mothers advice. I would like to give DD back a phone, but I don't want to give her the ability to send more photos of any kind or take any photos of any kind like that right now.

Should I follow my mother's advice or should I just keep DD phone altogether and if she wants to call someone she can use the house phone like I did when I was her age?

Sorry, hit post too soon. I am in contact with a few therapist for DD to talk to. The problem is finding the right one who will listen but not be a yes person. I have seen too many posts and articles about therapists being yes people and not questioning anything that a child/teenager tells them.

I want someone who will support her, but also question what she may say to help her figure out the right choices for her.

The other thing we are looking into is a therapist that will do family counseling for my daughter and I to help our relationship and help me let go more and not be so controlling of her world.

I hope getting her private counseling and getting family counseling for the both of us will help us in the future.

"Showing her research I have found about local girls who have gotten in trouble for doing what she is doing."
Are you sure that's the right thing to do? She is being groomed by someone older than her and you're going to tell her that. she might be in trouble? What are you going to say to her about Jack?

Yes. Also do some research about men grooming under-age girls. And show her that.

Is Jack trans? It smacks a bit of someone needing validation for their own actions by persuading other vulnerable people to copy them.