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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My DD keeps bringing men home!

66 replies

agathal2 · 23/08/2017 02:50

My DD is 18, everytime she goes on a night out she'll bring back a bloke! Im too embarrased to say anything to her because she would start making excuses like why are spying on me, you shouldnt even be awake at that time etc and make me feel like an idiot. Its always pretty loud and its not like im gonna storm into her room while shes doing it! (im a single mom and shes the only child in the house as my older DS has moved in with his girlfriend a few months ago and I dont speak to their father anymore). I literally dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Bue · 23/08/2017 03:52

Erm.... Tell your teenage daughter in no uncertain terms that she is not to bring men home for one night stands while living under your roof??

What is your relationship like with her? Does she have self esteem issues or a lack of strong male role models growing up? I'd be extremely worried about this type of behaviour in my own DD.

ems137 · 23/08/2017 03:56

She needs to learn that she should have more respect for you and your home.

My parents would have gone ape with me if I did the same even once!

Out2pasture · 23/08/2017 04:36

no ONS under your roof and when the time is right you should be introduced to them prior to her bedding them.
safety for who is in your home and her safety as well.

mn may suggest she is an adult and entitled to her privacy however your safety and that of your belongings could easily be compromised.

highinthesky · 23/08/2017 04:45

Time to show DD who the boss is. (Clue: it's not her).

CaptWentworth · 23/08/2017 05:06

Ooft. I remember bringing a long term boyfriend home for the first time... Despite being 18 I was frequently reminded that many of the privileges of adulthood did not yet apply to me, because I didn't pay for the broadband, or the TV licence or the mortgage!

RozDoyle · 23/08/2017 05:11

Yikes. I wouldn't have dared do this as a teenager. And tbh I still wouldn't now at the age of 33 (although I have a DH and two babies so it's moot really but still!)

You need to toughen up and she needs to show some respect.

(I'm laughing at the use of "bedded")

Burnett · 23/08/2017 05:11

Wow! No way......I would never have been allowed to do that nor would I have shown my parents such utter lack of respect. You are the boss it out.....but you know this?? I don't know any parents who would allow this.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/08/2017 05:15

Im too embarrased to say anything to her because she would start making excuses like why are spying on me, you shouldnt even be awake at that time etc

Well, she has you over a barrel then, you'd better get used to it, if you're too embarrassed to say anything.

You're awake because her bringing someone home and shagging then wakes you up.

You're not spying - her bring someone home and shagging them alerts you to what's going on.

Sweet jaysus, I wouldn't have dared do that when I was 18.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/08/2017 05:23

What is it that you don't like? That she has sex in your home, that she brings back people you don't know to your home over night, or that she's loud?

If it's not a dislike of her having sex (which I think comes across as moralising in a way that it's just a bit late to try and enforce) then I think it's best to concentrate on the non-sexual aspect of what you don't like in a clear and polite request for her to stop a behaviour that impacts on you. It's reasonable to not want strangers in your home overnight or to expect reasonable noise levels when you want to be sleeping.

If you don't like her sleeping with people then you can, of course, broach that, it's your house, but I think there;s a risk you will harm your relationship. I would be reluctant to draw a hard line on bringing people back. Sex is a fairly natural pursuit for an 18 year old. If she can't bring men back to her home to sleep with them, where is she likely to sleep with them? How safe would she be then? You know her better than anyone on here though.

Travelledtheworld · 23/08/2017 05:49

At 18 I don't think she should be working her way through a succession of one night stands. Can you talk to her about respect, relationships, staying safe ?

My almost 19 year old DD always asks politely if her long term boyfriend can come and stay over. I have always said this because I would rather they were somewhere safe and comfortable than shagging in the back of the car or something. But they are quiet and respectful and he always brings his pyjamas.

Original poster

agathal2 · 23/08/2017 06:31

Its mainly the one night stand thing. Im too worried about her not being safe at one point. Im thinking about not stopping it, just telling her to tone it down a bit (in terms of noise) and the usual safety talk thing. She is 18 tbh and she does pay rent.

OP posts:

AdalindSchade · 23/08/2017 06:33

Unfortunately the tone of your posts and the fact that she does this in the first place indicate that you have let her rule the roost for far too long and it may be impossible to claw back some parental authority - but this is absolutely unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour!

BudgiesInABlender · 23/08/2017 06:35

I would be worried about the strangers she's bringing back. You never know if they're stealing from you, using drugs or worse.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/08/2017 06:35

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to want to know the people that stay overnight in your house!

Have you ever met one of them? Does she know you know?

Original poster

agathal2 · 23/08/2017 07:25

No,I woke up one morning and there were keys by the door which were obviously posted through the letterbox when he left. Her room always stunk of alcohol. I dont think she knows that I know about it and doesnt wake up until 6pm sometimes! No im not gonna meet one night standers.

OP posts:

Runninglateeveryday · 23/08/2017 13:49

I think she's treating you like a mug. I wouldn't have this it's so disrespectful , not about age, would you have really loud sex with her in the house ? No because you know it makes others feel uncomfortable. Tell her if that's what she wants to do she can go find her own house.

schoolgaterebel · 23/08/2017 15:25

Tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not to have ONS under your roof. It's increasingly disrespectful. (She sleeps until 6pm)...she's taking the piss.

She's an adult, she needs to shape up or ship out!

Floralnomad · 23/08/2017 15:27

Just tell her the rules and if she doesn't like it she can move out .

RebornSlippy · 23/08/2017 15:32

Isn't it mad the difference a generation (ok 2 generations) have made?! My mother would have kicked my arse all over the shop if I'd even dared to do this. NB, I'd never have dared to do this.

OP, grow a pair. Your house, you rules. If you don't like it (and who the fuck would like it?!) she needs to be told.

YouRat · 23/08/2017 15:35

Eww. Sorry but tbh if my dc treated me like this in my own home id tell them where to go. .
Doesn't matter if she's paying rent. It's bloody disrespectful.

arousingcheer · 23/08/2017 15:41

What about your safety OP? I wouldn't feel safe if a drunk 18yo had the last word on who was coming and going in my house at all hours.

It's time for a sit-down discussion about how this will affect her. No more visitors after Xpm (whenever you think is fair), certainly not strangers who've been invited when pissed. If she wants to have a bona fide friend stay over she can tell you in advance. If she doesn't like it what does she intend to do about it?

Tbh I don't think it matters if she pays rent. Does she pay all the expenses and her name is on the lease/deed? If not, then she doesn't make the rules.

When I was 20 I was a lodger in a family home. I paid rent, sure, but I don't think that would have entitled me to have strangers wandering in and out at all hours.

To be fair I used to have arguments with my mum because she made up some rules on the fly and they were only in her own head until I unknowingly broke one. So the thing to do is to sit down with her and say, calmly, this is how it is going to be from now on. And there will be consequences if the rules are broken. Think it through, tell her about it and then implement it.

She may just stay out all night OP, so decide in advance how you want to address that in your new world.

Batteriesallgone · 23/08/2017 15:48

What's your situation OP? Is the rent she's paying token or an equal contribution? Would you struggle to afford to live where you do without her? Would the amount she is paying easily get her a room in a houseshare?

A lot of posters are taking the 'your house your rules' approach but actually if you are living as equitable adults financial contribution wise it's a little different I think.

If she could easily afford to move out I don't think laying down the law will help particularly. If she works it's her business if she sleeps until 6pm on her days off. Have you tried simply telling her she's been waking you up?

Lauralou69 · 23/08/2017 16:20

No way would I be having that! Tell her in no uncertain terms that it is completely unnaceptable and it's not to happen again........or you'll be walking into her bedroom with a bucket of cold water!! Seriously, where are the boundaries with kids these days??.

MazDazzle · 23/08/2017 16:23

Who's to say that the guys are ONS? Maybe she already knows them, or it's the same guy each time, or one of a few guys? Would you feel differently if this was the case?

Either way, it's disrespectful to disturb your sleep. Could you just try saying something like... 'What a racket you were making last night. You woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep. Keep it down next time.' Or 'Who was that you had back last night? I heard voices. It creeps me out when there's people in the house at night.'

If that fails, go downstairs and bang on her door the next time it happens!

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 23/08/2017 16:27

travelled

Quiet and respectful and always brings his pajamas

love it

I'm going to tell dd that thats what she should be looking for in a man

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