Caught my DD watching porn!

[candicemerlot]

Hello mums! So my DD, 16, has a laptop. My DH has installed K9 Web Protection on her laptop, so this blocks certain things such as pornography, certain youtube videos with age filters, gambling, violence, drugs etc.
Now she had left her laptop downstairs the other day, and I went on it to search for some caravans as my laptop was upstairs. When I began to search it came up with a list of suggestions that were very x rated? I went on her history and she had been visiting sites like xhamster and pornmd and watching only what I can describe as 'hard' pornography? Now if she was 18, I would not care, but it's the fact she's underage and I do wonder if 16 is too young? I get that kids do things now out of curiosity, and I am a very liberal parent, but the material she had been watching is in no way suitable for a 16 year old.
Also, I do not understand how she got on to these sites as when I tried accessing them on her laptop it was saying it was blocked? Now I am not tech savvy like the modern kids, so I don't understand how she did this? I want to tell DH but don't want to worry him.

Please mums say this is a regular thing, just don't want my DD to grow up too fast!

I wouldn't know how to bring the subject up or what to say (well, before reading this anyway).

Giving you the benefit of the doubt - now you do know what to say and how to bring it up. I hope you do so, for your child's sake if you have any.

Not knowing how to do something doesn't excuse you from opting out of a particularity aspect of parenting. When I had a baby I had no clue about how to bath a baby - didn't mean I could just not bother.

I'm really surprised and a bit shocked by those saying it ls fine. I'm not a prude by any means, and my children are very young, and boys.

Obviously teenagers will be curious, and have access to a hell of a lot more than was available in my pre Internet teens.

I do think it warrants a conversation at the very least about the porn industry, exploitation, realism etc.

I do think a talk about how it's not all about the man and you don't have to do any of these things if you aren't comfortable is a good idea.

You might also want a chat about prostitution and porn being filmed prostitution.

Don't mind me. Just placemarking. 'Fascinating' attitudes on here. Would be interesting to get a genuine profile of posters.

Just wondering if you're the kind of guy who races to any thread about 16tr old girls and porn to advise everyone it's great. No problemo

Nowhere have I said it's great. I said it's normal, that's why it happens so frequently.

Why so hostile?

Thank you, Ketchup123, for so perfectly illustrating my point about how bizarre this thread is.

Which bit of porn is "great" for you? The simulated/actual rape of women for titillation purposes? The abusive scenarios enacted? The routine degradation and humiliation of women? The way that it promotes a rape culture in our schools and universities?

As the mother of adult ds and late teen dd I can honestly say she will see it as the norm to watch porn. It's so available now.
It's vital you speak to her about it all in order to address some misconceptions she may have picked up from it though and to her her to critique the sex there versus the sex that would be enjoyable for her.
Maybe chat whilst going for a drive or doing a task or even on a walk, face to face she may be more likely to feel really embarrassed and mortified and shut down.
Nowadays most young people do think shaving all body hair is normal. They know about anal bleaching and consider anal sex as quite vanilla. They are also pretty hot on consent issues- far more than some MNers indeed.
Talk to your kids about sex and let them know there is NOTHING they cannot ask you about or indeed tell you about.

I'm not being hostile to you personally. I'm hostile to some of your dim-witted advice/comments.

Ketchup, porn is great?...Really? I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm assuming the point has been made about the amount of women being forced into it. Do you honestly think it's "great", knowing that?

I've banned porn from my house and my DC are all adults. I think porn is revolting and degrades women etc etc. Fortunately I'm far more tech savvy than my DC but I realize this is unusual.

I've always been happy for my DC to have their boy friends and girlfriends stay over as long as they are in relatively long term relationships. I.e. I wouldn't want someone they have been dating a week to stay over as I wouldn't want a 'stranger' in my house. Other than that I'm not fussed.

I've boys and girls and I honestly think they respect my wishes. They can watch porn in their own homes if they wish. That's got nothing to do with me whatsoever 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nudity, sex etc doesn't bother me - I am not the least bit prudish however I can't stand the porn industry.

Jeez, Mumsnetters can be so hostile! Enough with the name-calling!

Yes, I think porn is great. Sexual fantasies are completely normal. Your kids are going to access porn, it's human nature. Women aren't some special class of sexless victim, you know!

Just be happy that she has a healthy private sex life. Orgasms, ftw!

Mumsnet seems a little unusual in terms of attitudes towards porn/women. A bit "vicar's daughter"y. The vast majority of women enjoy watching porn, they just don't seem to be mumsnetters, it seems!

Calming down with the panic might be helpful.

I think to pretend that this isn't about pearl-clutching prudishness, but rather about safety, is a bit unreflective. Do you wear clothes? It's likely that some of them were made in sweatshops, by children coerced into making them. I don't see you getting so hot under the collar about "my DD bought clothes from Primark". Have a little think about exactly why your daughter's sexuality makes you uncomfortable.

The prevalence of hard porn available now compared to 20 or even 10 years ago is shocking.

Yes, exploring sexuality, and porn can be part of that.
But some stuff cannot be 'unseen' and 16 is still very young.

Porn is not normal healthy sex and cannot represent that.

Porn threads always always attracts morons.

They always get confused between the words porn and Masturbation.

They think sexual fantasy equals porn.

They think orgasm equal porn.

They think debating on Internet equals panic.

I can't believe the suggestion to tell your DH!!! Do NOT tell her dad. At sixteen I literally would rather have died than my mum know anything about my sexual interests, let alone my dad. Not because he'd be angry, but just because I would feel so awkward. By that stage in my life, whilst I would be willing to have general adult discussions on sex culture, the porn industry etc with my mum I would not want any of it to be personal to me. I had my own private sexual interests at 16 which my parents did not need to know about!

I think this is 100% normal. I watched porn at 16, not to 'prepare for a sexual act' but just when I was masturbating. I would not tell her you have seen what she was watching. However, I would start a general conversation about porn and the negatives of the industry and expectations that come from it. Start the conversation off by saying you've read an article on Buzzfeed or Vice about the porn industry (I think young people are into those publications?) and see if you can have a chat about it from there. This way you can ensure she knows that it doesn't reflect real sex at all and that it can be very harmful whilst not embarrassing her.

They talk a lot about primark.

histiny Jezz, mate! Fairly hostile!

*Jeez! Not Jezz!

No more hostile than you, buddy.

inkjoy I completely agree about not mortifying her. Especially telling her dad! This can lead to a lot of shame feelings around sexuality, and can feel like a massive violation of sexual privacy.

histiny I don't feel like I've been hostile, my apologies if I've offended you.

Ketchup123
I can't stand porn but I'm not the least bit of a prude. If you honestly believe that everyone who dislikes porn MUST be a prude then you are very wrong. If you use porn to get your kicks then so be it but not all of us want to. I dislike porn. It's a nasty industry and I don't want to have anything to do with it.

I'm also not sure why you are moaning about the 'hostility' and 'name calling' on the threadwhen you then go on to name call yourself.

You need a conversation about the porn but it is fairly normal to be curious.

As for the software, often it blocks the sites but you can

a) add exceptions, you just need a password, and that can be blocked afterwards so it looks like it is still blocked.

b) sometimes by going to a cached site, if someone blocks you on twitter you can still see their tweets using a cache

She is not that savvy if she is leaving her history on. Or she wants you to know what she is looking at.

I would have thought the number of threads from women with porn obsessed/addicted partners and the damage that causes would be explanation enough of the harm porn does. It does not represent real healthy sexual behaviour . It is extreme, often violent, and degrading to women. For a young girl just learning about sex , is this really a good start? For many adolescent boys, this is their only understanding of how sex should be, and they try to replicate it with their partners. The results are there to see in the rates of depression/sex harm and low esteem among both sexes.

I am astonished by the number of people on here who thing it is perfectly fine for a 16 year old girl to be watching porn routinely.

Itsnotlit Oh I don't think everyone should like porn! I just think perhaps parents should try not to over-react when their child watches it.