Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Caught my DD watching porn!

139 replies

candicemerlot · 21/08/2017 19:36

Hello mums! So my DD, 16, has a laptop. My DH has installed K9 Web Protection on her laptop, so this blocks certain things such as pornography, certain youtube videos with age filters, gambling, violence, drugs etc.
Now she had left her laptop downstairs the other day, and I went on it to search for some caravans as my laptop was upstairs. When I began to search it came up with a list of suggestions that were very x rated? I went on her history and she had been visiting sites like xhamster and pornmd and watching only what I can describe as 'hard' pornography? Now if she was 18, I would not care, but it's the fact she's underage and I do wonder if 16 is too young? I get that kids do things now out of curiosity, and I am a very liberal parent, but the material she had been watching is in no way suitable for a 16 year old.
Also, I do not understand how she got on to these sites as when I tried accessing them on her laptop it was saying it was blocked? Now I am not tech savvy like the modern kids, so I don't understand how she did this? I want to tell DH but don't want to worry him.

Please mums say this is a regular thing, just don't want my DD to grow up too fast! Sad

OP posts:
Sambodi · 22/08/2017 00:11

Perfectly normal. Nothing to worry about.

perper · 22/08/2017 00:12

She's 16, and learning about sex. That is exactly why I would be concerned about what she is viewing.

Unfortunately you'll need to have a conversation with her about porn and how it is so different to what sex is for the vast majority of relationships. I would not expect a 16 year old girl to be having sex in the way it happens in hard porn, so no, I don't think that is ok for her to be watching at this stage.

If she develops particular tastes as an adult then fair enough- but there is so much evidence to show that porn shapes people's attitudes to sex etc, and at this stage she needs to understand sex as part of a healthy emotional relationship, not as part of a hard fuck for some dude to get off with where the women are treated as sex dolls.

When you do bring it up I'd probably do it in a casual way, as if it's just another topic of conversation, rather than "I saw that you've been visiting..."- however you may feel that it won't be effective unless you have a really frank discussion with her, you know best in that respect.

I'd also block the more concerning sites specifically (either through the web protection on her laptop, or through the broadband, or ideally both). It's possible though she's worked out how to get round the protections on the laptop.

perper · 22/08/2017 00:14

I would also involve DH, but probably tell him when she's out of the house in case he gets het up about it. Discuss as a team how you're going to tackle it, but for god's sake don't make him be the one to discuss it with her! Blush

Loopsdefruits · 22/08/2017 00:28

This is quite a good video, and a good channel. She's a clinical sexologist, and she has videos on various sex/relationships education topics, and other things to keep people safe in their bodies and sex lives.

Loopsdefruits · 22/08/2017 00:32

This one as well

Lambnmint · 22/08/2017 00:37

As others have said 16 is old enough to actually have sex so watching porn is no surprise. I'm not sure bringing it up would be a good idea either. It would probably just be embarrassing and awkward and I doubt it would be very constructive to be honest.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 08:02

So you stop parenting your dc as soon as they are 16 or having sex?

What a bizzare idea.

Showandtell · 22/08/2017 08:04

"As others have said 16 is old enough to actually have sex so watching porn is no surprise."

Well it fecking should be. Porn and sex do not go hand in hand

Lambnmint · 22/08/2017 08:19

Well it fecking should be

Look at the statistics for how many young people have watched porn. If you think a 16 year old having watched porn is surprising then you need a reality check.

Porn and sex do not go hand in hand

Being of a sexually curious age and looking up some porn pretty much do go hand in hand.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 08:23

"now you're dd has shagged Tommy from tennis club she should regularly be watching young women take it up the arse and getting slapped, choked and spat at by fat older men.
This is great and entirely to be expected"

Lambnmint · 22/08/2017 08:26

So you stop parenting your dc as soon as they are 16 or having sex?

I don't think anybody is saying that. You can parent a child without bringing up porn.

Just for curiosity, what exactly would you say to your 16 year old daughter if you were in this situation?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 08:28

I have a 16 yr old ds - we've had loads of conversations about porn. He knows my feelings. Grin

I think those clamouring to say it's fine, keep out of it, are moronic parents.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 08:32

you can parent a child without bringing up porn

Are you a parent of a teen?

Showandtell · 22/08/2017 08:36

Yes - "now you've had a night of fumbling passion with Tom in the upper sixth, it's important that you watch this video where the dad shags the babysitter up the arse with a dildo"

Lambnmint · 22/08/2017 08:37

I have a 16 yr old ds - we've had loads of conversations about porn. He knows my feelings

I'm just curious, what exactly do you say? Don't watch porn? This sex act is okay but this one isn't. Genuinely curious about how such a conversation goes.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 08:40

You're not a parent of a teen, right?

2littlemoos · 22/08/2017 08:49

It is very normal. Could even be she want's to lose her virginity but is nervous and unsure how to do it iyswim. However I would want to talk to her about the realities of porn. That it isn't always as it's portrayed. That women's vaginas look different (just in case she has only seen the "perfect" ones online). That there are no expectations of her to perform like any of the women online. Etc. I think 16 is a vunerable age so could be worth a chat.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/08/2017 09:06

Genuinely curious about how such a conversation goes

Well, as the parent of a 14 year old DS, our conversations have gone: porn doesn't depict the reality of sexual relationships, not all women look like that, not all men look like that, the abusive behaviour in porn is not the norm, lots of women in porn are trafficked, porn does not help you understand about consent or bodily autonomy, porn addiction is a real thing, overuse of porn can have a significant and detrimental effect on developing healthy relationships and a healthy sex life...

Why? How do your conversations about porn go? Confused

Am absolutely baffled by some of the responses on this thread!

Lambnmint · 22/08/2017 09:20

Why? How do your conversations about porn go?

They don't exist. I wouldn't know how to bring the subject up or what to say (well, before reading this anyway). I was never spoken to about this when I was a teen (and there was plenty of porn around then and it wasn't uncommon for teens to watch it) and I've had no issues. The same with most people I know so it has never seemed necessary.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/08/2017 09:25

They don't exist

Yeah. We could have guessed that.

MumBod · 22/08/2017 09:27

This thread is interesting. If the OP had found her husband watching it, the 'totally normal' responses would have been far fewer, going by my experience of MN.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 09:30

Are you a parent, lambnmint, just curious. Are you a mum or a dad?

Just wondering if you're the kind of guy who races to any thread about 16tr old girls and porn to advise everyone it's great. No problemo!

histinyhandsarefrozen · 22/08/2017 09:39

you can parent a child without bringing up porn

Of course, you can parent a child without bringing up sex, drugs, politics, terrorism, racism, sexism, etc, etc, if you like. However, why not try to help your kids cope with what society has in store for them?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/08/2017 09:49

MumBod - exactly what I thought. On those sorts of threads, there are usually lots of references to the damaging effects of porn on a relationship, and how it can contribute to erectile dysfunction and problems with sex.

This is why I felt as if I'd fallen down some kind of rabbit hole into Bizarro World on this thread, with some posters tripping over themselves to say how completely fine and normal it it!

Ketchup123 · 22/08/2017 09:55

Porn is great! Let her enjoy herself. Don't say anything to her, as sexual fantasies are very private things, and she'd be mortified if she knew you knew. Perhaps stop snooping?