16 year old DS away with GF

[Woody67]

My DS is 16 (17 in December) and he is going on a "mini break" for 3 nights to a B&B with his GF, also 16. They've been together about 7 months. My view is that it's probably preferable to a lads rowdy holiday and if they are going to have sex then they don't need to go away to do so.. Would you let your 16 yo go?

It goes on the individual 16 year old I think. If they were very immature, and young mentality then no I would not let them. 16 year olds still need support and guidance. However if I thought they were mature and able to cope alone in situations I would maybe consider or come to a compromise.

We had similar with DSD last year when she wanted to go to Leeds Festival. Saved up all year for a ticket and her friend booked them and she told us she was going.

DH was an adamant no at first, I told her as long as she funded everything herself and understood she wouldn't be driving there in my car then she could go. TOOK him a few weeks but DH eventually realised he wasn't going to stop her and she went.

Over Christmas last year she went and stayed in London for 2 nights with friends- again funded by herself.

Those of you who wouldn't "let" their 16yo do this, I want to ask: would they just take a telling from you, or what sanction would you devise to make sure they stayed at home? Genuinely interested yes,ds would take a telling from us.

Yes. At 16, my dc were/are adolescents, obviously, but still schoolchildren living at home, dependent on us for everything, (aside from the pocket money they earn through jobs) and that includes support and guidance as much as the monetary side.

No, it wouldn't be ok in our family. Unless they were equally good at playing 'adults' around the house all the time and had a spectacular level of maturity. But I somehow doubt that would be the case at 16.

And yes, I would be surprised if any of my kids didn't take a telling from us at 16. While they are living in the family home, dependent on us for meals, clothes, lifts, and a university education soon.

At 16, he's old enough to leave home and join the army. I'd allow it and while they are both of the legal age of consent, I would probably have a quick chat about playing safe.

Yes. At 16, my dc were/are adolescents, obviously, but still schoolchildren living at home, dependent on us for everything, (aside from the pocket money they earn through jobs) and that includes support and guidance as much as the monetary side.

^ Yes, agree with this^. My DS knows that we provide board, lodging, support and guidance (as parents should) and that as he wants to stay at home to do A levels he respects our 'guidelines'.

And no one has really answered the question about how many 16 year olds are likely to leave home at 16, get employment sufficient to cover renting etc etc?

Of course you should let them go can you really stop them what harm can possibly come to them other than the usual concerns that could befall anyone of any age.
They're clearly already having sex, they're in a committed relationship and the girls' parents like your son and are ok with it.
As you point out your son could go on a holiday with his mates and meet a random girl (or girls), have sex and you'd be none the wiser.

Yes. At 16, my dc were/are adolescents, obviously, but still schoolchildren living at home, dependent on us for everything, (aside from the pocket money they earn through jobs) and that includes support and guidance as much as the monetary side.

How can someone be an adolescent and a child at the same time? And I thought we had established that 16-year-olds don't have to attend school (they have to continue with their education), so to call them schoolchildren is completely wrong.

I don't disagree with you regarding the support and guidance aspect, but imo that should not extend to dictating their behaviour.

The age of majority is 18 but absolutely no biological changes take place at that age to suddenly "switch on" maturity. The transition point is puberty, and it's a pretty big deal. It's a life-changing event which separates childhood from adulthood. Adolescence is better regarded as the first stage of adulthood - a time when young people are capable of adult behaviour but lack the experience to make a reliable job of it. The role of parents is to encourage (or even push - think young birds out of the nest) their children towards independence. Not to stifle them and actively prevent them from growing up.

A few days spent away from home, with a partner, is an excellent first experience of what it would be like to live independently in a grown-up fashion and I would actively encourage it for that reason alone.

Yes.
I was this age when I had a weekend away with now DH.
We stayed at a lovely B&B and went to a festival.
They will not do anything different when away to what they do at home.
This is the age when they start to gain independence and need some trust.

At 16, I didn't live at home.

I was at college and had a job, I shared flats with different friends, went away on camping and festivals with friends, towards later 16, I was in a relationship and we went away together quite a bit. (We were together nearly 4 years)

My parents had no say in who, were and when I spent my time, as I didn't live there. I had a good relationship with them though.

Your DS sounds mature enough to be going away with his GF, no reason to 'stop them'

I would say it would depend on the dc maturity though. I remember at 18 meeting other 18 yo who surprised me, with how immature their outlook and behaviours Were.

And no one has really answered the question about how many 16 year olds are likely to leave home at 16, get employment sufficient to cover renting etc etc?

OK, let me try.

Very few. But we need to think about why this is the case.

Rents are high. Employment prospects for 16-year-olds are not high. And teenagers, unlike adults who only have to work (unless they are doing an OU course or suchlike), also have to fit study around work as well. And it's worth remembering that the majority of teenagers actually want to do A levels/IB/Btec and these are full-time courses. It's simply impractical for them to leave home and pay their own way.

It worked for our DS because we funded him (and he lived in our house) so he could focus on his studies and just work part-time for a bit of experience/pocket money. But the important thing is that it did work. He was completely capable of living by himself, keeping the house clean, making his own decisions, getting himself to school, etc.

So, if you changed your question to "how many would like to leave home", I suspect the answer would be "quite a lot".
And I further suspect that those teens with parents who try to dictate their behaviour would be more likely to leave if they could (and be more frustrated when they can't).

I left home at 16, working/paying rent and totally independent. I often wish my parents had put guidelines in place,I would've made some very different choices that have affected me since. So no,ds won't be going off for weekends with his girlfriend.

I don't understand the connection between leaving home and having a few days away.

There is a major transition from child to adult. Tbh I would be wondering why at nearly 17 people had not learnt enough of life to have a mini break.

dame

OP ds is still living at home, and I presume still has guidelines and support in place.

But he has a relationship and a job the same as his GF, it's only a few nights away.

Not totally independent like you and I.

I went on a mini-break with my boyfriend when we were both 17. We paid for it ourselves (we were both still in sixth form but both had well paid holiday jobs which didn't stop us both getting a string of As each at A-level). My mum wasn't keen but frankly it wasn't much of her business short of grounding me. We went to a lovely indie hotel in Oxfordshire and had a great couple of days - weren't asked for ID either.

I'm now 28, engaged to a different guy and in no way scarred by the experience. We were both mature and respectful of each other (although if I recall AF turned up on the Saturday which halved the shagging opportunities. I was most annoyed )

So no,ds won't be going off for weekends with his girlfriend.

But I've been trying to point out, calmly and politely, that parents don't have that level of control.

I wanted to do exactly this at that age - I was 17, GF was 16. DF put his foot down and came with us! It was mortifying. Separate rooms, of course, at the insistence of our chaperone, when we weren't even planning to have sex - we just wanted to share a bed and be alone together.

But that was half a century ago. The age of majority was 21 and parents had the absolute right to dictate their children's behaviour. Such is no longer the case. The following extract is from Wikipedia and I'm annoyed with myself because I once found the original source but don't seem to have bookmarked it. But it's a House of Lords ruling from 1985 - more than 30 years ago. Unless I have misunderstood, or there have been subsequent changes that I haven't discovered, young people have the legal right to make their own decisions as long as they are "competent", and competence is assumed from 16 (hence the right to leave home, obtain an adult passport, etc.). So I'm pretty sure parents cannot legally say no, and the fact that their children still live at home and are dependent is irrelevant, because parents have to support them anyway. That's the whole point of the concept of Parental Responsibility.

Gillick competence ruling in the case Gillick v West Norfolk and Wisbech Area Health Authority, which sought to decide in medical law whether a child is able to consent to his or her own medical treatment, without the need for parental permission or knowledge. A child is defined as 16 years or younger. The ruling, which applies in England and Wales (but not in Scotland), is significant in that it is broader in scope than merely medical consent. It lays down that the authority of parents to make decisions for their minor children is not absolute, but diminishes with the child's evolving maturity; except in situations that are regulated otherwise by statute, the right to make a decision on any particular matter concerning the child shifts from the parent to the child when the child reaches sufficient maturity to be capable of making up his or her own mind on the matter requiring decision.

But I've been trying to point out, calmly and politely, that parents don't have that level of control

We still do though. It will probably change over the next year or so, I'm sure it will but atm we do.

I would like to hear if the girl's parents are happy about it, or even know about it

The OP has said they do know and are happy about it.

Yesterday 20:45 Woody67

They are pretty sensible and mature for their age. They have both had jobs since they turned 16 and are paying for the trip themselves. I was in full time work when i was their age. The B&B owner knows they are under 18, and her parents are fine with it. They like him because he treats her well. With regards to sex, they left school last month and have ample opportunity to DTD while us parents are at work. I had by that age and I never spent the night with my boyfriend. We have had several open conversations about contraception, safe sex, respect etc.

Apologies, missed that.

Can't see the problem?

I paid for a mini break for my 16yo and her boyfriend (train ticket to local-ish city and premier inn) they had been together for well over a year at this point and it was a Christmas present. They are both very sensible and used to travelling by train/staying in hotels etc.
I couldn't really see the problem? Still together now at 17.

I don't understand why people would be against two young people in love, happy, responsible that want to spend time together and possibly have sex?

Why is that so bad or wrong? What is the worst thing that could happen? They have an argument and come home?

If my DS at 16 wants to spend time with his girlfriend and have sex which he is legally entitled to do with a girl that really likes him, why on earth would I stop him?

There are million worse things such as: abusive/Drinking/Drugs/Involved in a gang /Crime/Unemployed/dropped out of school etc

16year olds in relationships that want to be sexually active, will be sexually active, stopping them going away won't stop them having sex. But it might stop them talking openly about things if you treat them like a child.