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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Schools attitude to sharing indecent images

183 replies

Greengirl3803 · 08/06/2017 15:30

Hi everyone- my daughter was pressured into providing nudes to a boy who then showed it all around school.
The police are investigating and a crime has been admitted and recorded.
The School refuse to exclude him, he's currently suspended, my daughter is now on medication and receiving therapy for the effects of his actions. She can't face going to school if he is there. So it looks like she will have to move. The School are completely unsupportive.
Does anyone have a similar experience- how have their schools behaved?
Thanks so much for any advice/info xxx

OP posts:
Oswin · 13/06/2017 14:19

No they are bloody well not both at fault. Good God can you not see the power imbalance here?

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 14:21

The lengths some go to in order to excuse this kind of behaviour in boys is astounding.

WannaBe · 13/06/2017 14:21

Of course they're both at fault. Presumably she was happy to have shared the pictures wen she believed they were private pictures but the reality is that teenagers are told time and time and time again that if they send a picture, a quote, a video, anything beyond their own phone then they lose control of what potentially could happen to it if it ends up in the wrong hands.

He is at fault for having distributed them beyond his own space but she willingly sent them to him in the first place.

We need to get past this belief that girls are always victims who are incapable of making their own decisions and having any control over what they do. She took pictures of herself on her phone and then sent them to someone else. She was in control of that. She became a victim when he distributed them elsewhere but not before.

And the reality is that there are as many girls sharing images as boys, it's not a one gender fits all.

And they're both under age. Assuming she's not primary age there isn't a sliding scale of under age, under age is under age. They both need a good talking to about distributing images. And the parents need to be keeping a closer eye on what their daughter is doing with her phone wrt taking explicit images of herself as do the parents of the boy.

FWIW there was an incident at my DS' primary where a group of y6 girls shared images of ... other y6 girls with each other. Presumably all of those were victims then? No didn't think so.

CreamCrackerundertheSettee · 13/06/2017 14:23

What a depressing thread. Victim blaming right, left and centre. We'd all like to think that out children listen to our advice and know not to send naked photos, but all of us must have done things in the past we regret.

Revenge porn is a crime and this boy committed a crime by sharing the images whether they were sent under duress or not.

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 14:23

You don't need to know anything more than the boy shared explicit images of the OP's daughter (a criminal offence) without her consent intending to humiliate and demean her. Yet you still want to blame the victim. Abhorrent.

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 14:28

And naturally here comes the inevitable next stage of defending this behaviour in boys and men "girls do it too". It's nearly always boys and men doing this to humiliate girls and women. It's grounded in misogyny. It's sharing explicit photos without consent, posting photographs of girls and women they know they've taken from Facebook on misogynist forums and other well known sites, all intended to humiliate, demean and degrade women and girls. It's abhorrent and those seeking to defend such behaviour are almost equally so.

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 14:31

I doubt any of those defending the boy and blaming the girl would be too happy if a partner did this to them, or if a man they knew did what this man did with their photos (far from a rare case): www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/04/04/revenge-porn-victims-complain-police-treated-abuser-like-victim/

Caprianna · 13/06/2017 14:36

Noone is defending the boyHmm

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 14:37

There's no point in engaging with you Caprianna as you've completely ignored every one of the countless rebuttals of your ridiculous victim blaming.

OfficerVanHalen · 13/06/2017 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2014newme · 13/06/2017 14:59

Nobody is defending the boy.
But the girl shouldn't have sent him the photos. people have a responsibility for themselves to safeguard themselves. It's either stupid or naive to send someone naked pics

Notreallyarsed · 13/06/2017 17:03

Nobody's saying she should have sent the photos ffs, just that it is absolutely not in the same league as then sharing private photos sent in confidence with half the school. I'm stunned people are equating the two! Naivety is to be expected of a 13 year old, were we all worldly wise at that age? Were we heck as like.

Angelicinnocent · 13/06/2017 18:04

I have a DS 18 and DD 15. Just showed them this thread and asked their opinions.

DD - he's a sad bastard who can't get a girlfriend but wanted to impress his mates cos he has the pictures. He needs to ask the wrong girl and get kicked in the balls! She was stupid to send them but should be grateful it's nearly the end of the year, other things will happen over summer and everyone will forget but don't do anything daft for a while or it will all get brought up again.

DS - he's a sad bastard who can't get a girlfriend, thinks he's impressing the other lads who probably all think he's a tosser and in about a years time he'll say the wrong thing about the wrong girl and someone will chin him. She's stupid to have sent them but at 13 everybody is stupid, she'll grow up and move on.

youarenotkiddingme · 13/06/2017 18:11

I doubt very much you'll get permanent exclusion.

I got a call to say a pulled a knife from their pocket at ds in class.

Ds also couldn't attend school after this due to anxiety.

I had to beg for help and arrange to move him at a cost of travel to myself.

The boy got 2 days exclusion.

11 months later ds still is having CBT.

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 18:16

The boy in question is a pathetic misogynist but where I'd disagree with your children is the "can't get a girlfriend" line as revenge porn is often of ex girlfriends, plus some share images of current girlfriends.

The boy is abhorrent and has no respect for women or girls.

pieceofpurplesky · 13/06/2017 18:41

Squishedstrawberry at no point in either of my posts do I blame or say anything negative about the girl. Not sure where you get this from - I said it blows over - I was referring to previous post about the gossip. I am fully aware of the damage. My posts were about the OP blaming the school when she is responsible for her daughter's phone usage.

Nolove I said 'something like this happens every month or so'. They happen out of school when pupils are at home. Sometimes girls and sometimes boys. Most often when the 13/14/15 year olds are pissed. Schools can educate but parents need to keep track of their kids. We have PSHE/assemblies/form time discussions and the kids all day they would never do it. Parents let them out at the weekend, vodka and cider later it's flashing on snapchat. This is the monthly occurrence - sadly the drinking is weekly.

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 18:44

I'm 17 and have rarely heard of behaviour like this. I don't think I've lived too much of a sheltered life either, I rather enjoy socialising at the weekend. If children are regularly sharing around explicit images of other children then they would appear to need a lot more education on the subject, not least that they're committing a criminal offence and how distressing this can be for the victims.

NoLoveofMine · 13/06/2017 18:46

Sorry to hear about your son youarenotkiddingme. I don't think the school dealt with that appropriately either as the boy with the knife also committed an offence. I hope your son will feel better soon.

GreenTulips · 13/06/2017 19:00

DC school do nothing unless the picture includes the child's face

These pictures have been of both boys and girls

Girls are quality sharing pictures of girls and the boys share boy pictures in equal measures -

Some enjoy the attention the get sharing the photos BUT they don't see the lasting damage it does on the inside 'brazening it out' masks the hurt they feel - due to either negative comments or shaming the pictures

More needs to be done to protect both sexes from themselves - and assembles should include the lastingly damage not just a peep show

pieceofpurplesky · 13/06/2017 19:14

Nolove can I ask what type of school you attended as this is really common. I teach and have teens and have friends at other schools.
You say you have rarely heard of it. This does not mean it doesn't happen.
Can I just also point out that I, and other teachers, have said that pupils do receive education on this - but parents also have a responsibility.

StarUtopia · 13/06/2017 19:22

I thought we were all aware of teaching our children (both girls and boys) the importance of not sharing anything you wouldn't want your grandma to see? (although I like the poster who said, nothing you wouldn't be happy to be up on the school notice board.

I have a son and a daughter. I would be blazing with both of them if either of them were so bloody stupid.

Forget victim blaming. We need to take responsibility as adults here (parents and teachers) for ensuring children are not taking sexual pictures and sharing them. FFS.

GreenTulips · 13/06/2017 19:23

I have a son and a daughter. I would be blazing with both of them if either of them were so bloody stupid

Do it before anything happens not after -

StarUtopia · 13/06/2017 19:26

Absolutely !!!!!!

But given how many of these stories do the rounds, how come people aren't having these conversations?! I'd presume teenagers were this stupid tbh.

Angelicinnocent · 13/06/2017 19:28

Agree with purple. My DC have both said it's rather common. Either drunk and/or stupid youngsters who send them anytime they are asked or even without being asked, both boys and girls.

As above, I asked my DC their opinions on this and my DD pointed out that sometimes it's not surprising that boys don't respect girls who don't respect themselves!

Far more worrying are the cases where young people are blackmailed into it by someone who knows something embarrassing about them. I would like to see some kind of stricter punishment for these people.

Schools educate slot about this subject but they can't stop young people doing stupid things away from school, that's a parents job and too many don't check up on what their children are doing but expect school to deal with the problems that arise afterwards

ASauvingnonADay · 13/06/2017 19:33

I think the school is doing the right thing in excluding him. There is a police investigation ongoing. The school needs to focus on educating against this sort of thing, prevention is key! We don't know the story or background of the other child, but I think if it was one of ours a 'fresh start' might be encouraged elsewhere through a managed move. Schools need to avoid using PEX unless absolutely necessary.