DD - Teen 16 - No friends

[Monica53]

Hi
Well it's 2.15am and I cannot sleep after our poor DD 16 has been breaking her heart!! most of the night, saying she is sick of being on her own and would like just that one friend and be able to go out and look forward to stuff and do normal teen stuff. I'm typing this with such an ache in my chest as I'm at a total loss as to what to do.

She was bullied in the first few years of high school by old friends! ***! and made new friends who all seemed OK?, however she has suffered from anxiety and depression since the bullying and consequently suffers from very low confidence and low self esteem, so now when in school with one thing and another she spends a lot of time in the year leaders office or welfare office, and her friends in school she does have (not real friends she says)ignore her when she does sit with them and some of them have stated she has drifted. We have had a chat about this and saying yes if you're feeling like she is sometimes you can be quiet and due to nature of teens they may take that sometimes in away like you've distanced yourself. However she has just heard today that two of her so called friends have said stuff to someone she knows that they shouldn't go around with her in case they catch 'depression' OMG!!!!!! can't people be so down right mean and nasty and totally vile!.

I've suggested we do things together but she has said she so much wants to do normal teenage stuff, and her so called friends are all out and about and never invite her and she has asked on a number of occasions when they have group chats and they ignore her requests, it is so heart breaking and I seriously don't know what I can do anymore.

Also she said as she has no friends to go up to school with the get results in August, her Cousin will take the day of work and go with her

Also she did have a dress picked out for Prom but tonight she has said it's pointless going as she will be going on her own so there is no point!

DD is due to do NCS in summer for four weeks and we have said she'll meet some lovely people and make new friendships though she really doesn't believe that anymore, and at the moment just wants someone to talk with and her words do normal teenage stuff - Oh I could cry I feel so damn useless as I do not know what to do for her other than cuddle her when she is breaking her heart- which now I'm doing as I'm typing

Also she says she is dreading the summer as it is extra long and she will have no one to do anything with, even if we have said she will meet new people on NCS. Also we have said perhaps get a little job, which there might be the opportunity of one locally 12 hrs a week though she says at moment she doesn't think she could do it, I have said perhaps she could try and also it would be opporutnity to meet some new people?

Also she has a place at 6th form college and at moment she cannot see light at end and thinks the same thing will happen there with regards to not having any friends or friends will just be horrible like they have in the past.

DD is having counselling for everything she has been through etc,though not sure it is any good. She has said some scary things over the last few days, and we are keeping a close eye on her and to be honest I feel useless and annoyed particularly because of the bullying and now the so called friends being down right vile and horrible beyond words.

I'm hoping to speak to school tomorrow if possible not sure.

Sorry to go on - I am at such a loss and really don't feel I can burden by small family much and have a lead weight in my chest with worry and everything that goes with it..

Very much doubt I''ll sleep tonight - thankyou for reading and any advice will so so much appreciated.x

I would strongly encourage her to either get a job, or get some volunteering experience - the local library will be looking for teenagers to help with their Summer reading challenge for kids. It is a good opportunity to meet new people. I would definitely speak to the school - they may be able to arrange for her to spend time with someone her age who is also lonely. They really ought to be arranging an assembly about mental health issues to dispel the ridiculous false beliefs too (without mentioning your daughter's name obviously).

I would also take her to the GP and discuss whether she should be on antidepressants (Fluoxetine is fine at her age). If there is anyone at school that is being vaguely nice, you could try to encourage the friendship by offering to pay for them to go out somewhere cool (depending upon your financial situation).

Hi Chocolateworshipperx

Thank you for taking time to read and to reply! I've had little sleep and am planning and speaking to Youngminds to seek advice and also speak to school when it opens, as last year managed after 4 years to get a 1:1 with Head to discuss the unresolved issues(she was in tears) and she was shocked thatt nothing had been done, when I had been told so many times they were looking after our daughter, also The Head informed me that the year leader at that time had left under a cloud - No flipping wonder!. However, I have forwarded the link for the This morning "BeKind" campaign to the school along with the videos of the parents interviewed and have asked that an assembly be arranged for each year group so they know what sadly can happen if people are down right mean/vile, I originally got a response back from school saying they have notices throughout the school in relation to being kind and thoughtful - NOTICES!!!! OMG!. However if I do not get a response, the Head did say speak direct to her and I will, I must add the new year leader is very good, though I do think they only do so much.

I am hoping DD when she wakes up will be open to taking her CV upto the store, an old friend of hers (From when she was 6) stopped me in the store and actually said get her CV in and put in for her attention and that she can recommend people - So fingers crossed I can get her to do this, we have discussed this and about how she will meet new people and also that there is already one person there she knows-fingers crossed!

I just feel sick and yes I know exams are knocking on the door, but DD has asked can she not stay at home to study and just go in for exams, I wish she could as I feel I'm putting her through hell sending her there.

Now she feels she is just a nuisance to everyone and no one messages her anymore, which is heartbreaking for her and me to hear that.

Also I'm starting a new job soon, and keep thinking it is a positive thing to show her, so fingers crossed, I just feel churned up now and sick with worry about her.

I remember feeling a bit like your daughter when l was 17/18 and doing my Alevels. I hated school and all the people in it, and felt l had no real friends or nothing in common.

Then l went to university! God what a difference! I made millions of friends and had a great time socially. I do think that at times, teens go through lonely periods, but need to have it pointed out to them that there is lift at the end of the tunnel. Hth

Hi TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince
Thank you for replying!- so much appreciate, yes I have had many chats with DD and trying to get her to think light at end of tunnel and so many positive things to look forward to, though she is so low and feeling alone and when supposed friends say vile things like she has heard make you sick.

I've spoken to school this morning and informed them that they need to be proactive and do an assembly about "BeKind" as per link I've sent to them rather than just notices on walls, as they are just bits of paper to most of the kids and they just don't take notice of it, they need real information - showing how the mean/nastiness as effects on young people, and not specifically naming people state there are many instances that have happened throughout the school, and will not be tolerated. I'm ringing Heads PA next Tuesday for a 1:1 meeting to discuss the serious issues. Roll on the end of school for DD and new 6th Form college which i've said will be so different for her, she just needs self belief.

I would be talking to the school. What are they doing to address the bullying? They have a duty of care to your daughter. I would also be talking to the parents of the children responsible. Surely they can talk some empathy into their kids?

Oh poor love, I would strongly encourage a little job, I got one when I was 16 and it was amazing, I made so many friends, perhaps look for some other activities outside of school too

Sorry, just saw that you're talking to the school. Perhaps sit down with the head and a copy of the school's anti bullying policy, (which is a lot more than just silly notices up on the wall. - It's something the school is legally bound to have and to follow), so you can go through and make notes of what they've done so far to address it, and which steps they still need to take.

Volunteering is a fantastic idea to give her a bit of a boost. I did a couple of years as a teen and it was really good for me. I told them I didn't like the outdoors or small kids so they sent me to help out at a nature club for five year olds but I actually had a blast and it was great for my confidence. I was there for a year or two in the end before I got a paid job.

Hi there
Thank you for support - I'll be speaking to heads PA next Week as they are all on leave today!! - Have had many discussions with Head and Year Lead(New one) as past one left under a cloud - due to being totally useless!!!.

Originally the bullies were her past friends and yes I did attempt to speak to parents having been friends - or thought so! no way in their eyes their kids were angels and wouldn't do anything mean!!!!!!!!, so to date 4+ years later they are still underhandedly mean - not directly but if they walk past her they laught or say something mean.

I have sent a link to school in regards to "BEKIND"campaign and want a assembly also I have told them about so called friends recently saying "Don't be friends with her -you'll catch depression - OMG!!!.

I really hope she will at least give the little job a go or at least take her CV in - which is good as she has done some great stuff - as she used to volunteer at a stables and assist in the training, but she stopped due to other issues in school!!

I will be having a 1:1 with head ASAP and hopefully next week as this is awful and yes TEENS have usual anxiety but OMG!! this is awful.

I think 16-17 can be the absolute worst for a lot of people - certainly was for me! Pure shite. Not sure if this is any help to her but "this too will pass". It's hard to see things that way when you're so young and everything seems so urgent, but by and large the best is really yet to come.

I think the problem is at that age that you're nearing adulthood in a lot of ways...but when you look back you were so far off the mark! I can remember being in a real rush to feel like I had lifelong friends and that I'd racked up experiences and that I had my own story. In reality, that story had not even begun and had I known that I really would have given myself a break.

By and large, some of the most interesting and fulfilled people I know now had zero friends at 16. And the ones that hark back to that age as if it was the best time ever ? I just don't think their twenties were interesting enough

I know this will be really hard to get through to your daughter, but if I could give advice to any 16 year old, it would actually be keep your social expectations way low. It really doesn't matter if you don't have a massive gang of friends. Find out what you're interested in, pick up something (her enviably long summer holiday will be ample opportunity) get work experience, meet lots of different people but don't worry if you aren't best buddies with them. Friendships worth having take time, and once you know yourself what you are interested in and like doing, you will be so much more likely to meet people you'll want in your life forever! So find out what that is! Maybe you need to try a load of different stuff before you find it, but you will. A random jumble of hormone filled teenagers thrown together simply because they attended the same school may be the source of long lasting friendship for some (and right now that seems like everybody) but in just a few years this will no longer be the case. Many many years later and I still make new friends all the time because I know what I like to do. Some stay around forever, some only a short time. I have a great time however long they are around.

This has turned into a very rambly message but I hope that despite the pressure chamber of being 16 (it's awful) that your daughter will be able to see that one day soon she'll come up for air and wonder what she was worried about. Certainly that happened to me when I was about 20 and I wished that someone had told me just to chill out.

Sending lots of love to you & your daughter, from an ex anxious teen xxx

Such a difficult age poor thing. But I do,believe things will improve for her with 6th form and NCS, they get to a stage where they need a change.

My DDs are doing NCS and were advised not to apply with friends as its a great opportunity to make new ones, so I really hope your DD does too.

Little shits! "catch depression "! My arse!

The school needs to step up its game. NCS sounds like a good idea. And you sound like a brilliant Mum.

I feel for you as had similar probs with DD at age14 but not to this extent. Its horrible. I remember having a constant churning in my stomach and dreading her coming home from school and seeing the tears in her eyes. So i totally know how you feel. It took about 14 months for it to pass - nothing dramatic happened - other girls fell out with each other, got fed up with the stronger characters, started pairing up with boys - and now its all good. Whilst I completely agree that schools need to be proactive in tackling bullying, unfortunately at this age it can be ineffective as they invariably see things like bekind as "lame". I would really push for the job - to help fill time ,build resilience etc. Good luck

It's horrible. I know it doesn't help but as you can see OP your DD is not alone in this.
Some folk get so self-absorbed and heartless: "Glad it's not me being picked on".
Unfortunately adults as well as teens can have the attitude of steer well clear, depression might be catching which is very isolating.

Lots of people would question whether 'the best years of your life' really applies to this age when for many it's a tough time to navigate.
On the bright side DD can clearly trust you and can share stuff.
It is great her cousin is able to lend support on results day.
I hope DD gives a holiday job a go.
She has a place at 6th form college, bingo.
With more confidence she will be able to face her new surroundings. Sixth form helps, there'll be others who are new; smaller classes and more in common with the classmates whp picked the subjects rather than bored kids who couldn't care less about a topic and look for someone to target.

Good times will come!

No comfort but mean girls I knew became fuck ups or had a complete personality change. They are the ones with problems.
Again, that's no comfort.

Hi
Thank you sooo very much for all the support/advice/comments, it is really helpful!.

We(Me and OH especially) are on countdown for her leaving the horrid school. Last night this girl who stated depression doesn't exist was bombarding DD with snapchat stuff, saying you've said this or that and also excusing DD of talking to other boys and actually going out for coffee with them when this girl likes/fancies them OMG!!! (DD says she talks to more boys than girls as they aren't bitchy - see has a valid point) who the hell this girl thinks she is -- god they are 16!!!!.

I've taken her phone off her and she will get in back when we feel ready to give it to her as I do think it just adds to the way she feels low!.

Printing CV and cover letter for her and if she doesn;t take it I will, I seriusly think the job will do her the world of good and she will also see there are so many other nice, different people to meet.

DD will be talking to a counsellor again today, as we had to ring crisis team last night as she was so distraught! and they did state she can speak to them anytime over the weekend if need be so I reckon its needed.

Also when I talk to school on Tuesday, we'd; DD and ourselves would be happy even if she has to spend the last weeks of school in welfare teachers room and away from the nastiness that really she has had to cope with throughout the school years!!.

I just feel so churned and sick - and dreading what today holds as she is still in bed, though awake so we'll see. Thank you for supportxx

Hi everyone
Well DD still so down, and saying she won't be going into school when they return from Easter break. I have an appointment to speak with the Head next week to see what they can put into place to assist DD to have a safe last few weeks in the hell hole of a school!

Just breaks my heart so much to see her this down, and in her words I just want that one person, whom she thought she had though not the case! as they are just vile mean girls. Also DD has now signed out of all her social media and blocked these horrid people.

Thanks for reading and providing supportx

Just keep reminding her - secondary school is not real life. It's a little ecosystem all of its own

monica my heart is breaking reading about your DD. I would feel exactly like you.

NCS and volunteering are great ideas. Volunteering especially, as I always think 'nice' people do this sort of thing. That is what you want for your DD, nice/genuine/sincere friends in her life. The 'popular' types are clones and desperately want to fit the criteria of 'cool'.

My DD had her group of friends as does my DS, neither one of them would've been party to this kind of behaviour, and if any parent had come to me with your issues I would've spoken to my DC, not just dismissed you or your concerns.

I was bullied myself (many moons ago) so I detest bullying of any kind.

Get your DD involved in any type of activity outside of school. This will pass and she will have a social circle, quite frankly I wouldn't want my DC to be a clone, or have friends like you describe anyway, she's far better off without them, she just doesn't see that yet.

I don't even know you or your DD but it has upset me deeply reading this

Hi
Thank you! Dd won't get out of bed today😣 Waiting for stables to ring back about lessons and possibly volunteering.

I too was bullied in school and work and hate!! Bullies and particularly the ones who hurt and those who continue to try and attempt to hurt/put down and make my lovely Dd so very sad.xx 😢

This "social bullying" is really horrid and as bad as any other kind. The school needs to be more robust.

A new sixth form will be seen by her as a fresh start, hopefully.

University is different again. Most people find their tribes at uni. Most of the puerile schooldays nonsense disappears.

If only they knew the effect of bullying has on someone's mental health, they might think twice. I doubt it though, at this age they are mostly self absorbed, and all trying so desperately to fit in.

I am sending a virtual hug for your DD, I would do anything to protect one of my DC from bullies.

I was never one of the 'populars' thank god! It's so good to be different, but you don't realise that when you're a teen. Animal volunteering is a good way to go, animal lovers are generally very nice people

Reading this thread is bringing back horrible memories (the worst time of my life) when my daughter was bullied at the same age. After the Easter break she was hardly in school at all apart from the actual GCSE exams. She had (invisible) physical health issues which lead to on line bullying and 'friends' deserting her, which in turn led to mental health problems.

Like others have suggested, leaving school, starting college and getting a part time job changed her life around. She now has lovely friends at college, has a fantastic new hobby with more like-minded friends, and is hoping to go to university next year.

I just really want to say Monica53 that you and your dd will get through this. There were times when I thought we wouldn't get there, but we did.

Thinking of you both xx

Hi there
Thank you all so very much for the support /advice and kind words. It is awful seeing your child si down and heartbroken 😣, although I have attempted to stay positive (even with tears) and I do hope this week she will get a glimpse of the positive things ahead.

Bullies are the low of the low and I despise them. Tomorrow morning I will be speaking to school to see what schedule we can work out for the last 8 weeks in that he'll hole of a school. Yes I have a major regret sending DD to this particular school! !Though todate even through all the mean nastiness she is doing well.

If it is ok with you all I will keep you posted on progress. Thank you Mxxoo

Just want to say good luck for tmw. I didn't fit in well @ school but it got better in sixth form and also I made most of my friends outside school as I was determined to find my 'tribe' as they say. Being bullied is the absolute pits and there is never an excuse for the vile behaviour . DD has born the brunt of some social exclusion type bullying and it's very upsetting - it's never been that bad as your DD but if you don't fit the mould it is hard. I'm sure your DD will do well in her GCSEs and leave those dreadful girls behind. Please update on how it goes tmw.